Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

June 19, 2019

Michael: Hello everyone and welcome back to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m…

Ted: (Interrupting) I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Michael: And I guess I’m Ted O’Gorman. Because I’m a trained improvisor, and I’m supposed to “Yes and…” You don’t negate a choice.

Ted: That’s true.

Michael: Right?

Ted: Yup.

—

“WSJ Cartoons 2”

V.O: And now Ted and Michael present another installment of Wall Street Journal cartoons described.

Michael: Hey Ted.

Ted: Hey Mike. How’s things goin’?

Michael: I’m great. I’m looking at some Eisenhower-era satire here.

Ted: Ok.

Michael: This is obviously from the ‘50’s. We’re in what should be a pretty stylish office. There’s actually a pattern on the carpet.

Ted: Ok.

Michael: Sort of like swirly lines all around which I guess gives you a sense that it’s upscale, and there’s a picture on the wall of the office, behind the…I will call it our main character. There’s actually three guys in the cartoon.

Ted: Ok.

Michael: And I kid you not, the picture is of what honestly appears to be four mushroom clouds.

Ted: So he’s got a portrait of…are you sure they’re not trees. They could be trees.

Michael: Now that I’m looking closer, they might be trees.

Ted: I was gonna say, even for the ‘50’s that would be a really weird portrait to have on the…

Michael: But what’s odd is all the foliage of the trees is out of the frame of this picture.

Ted: Alright, maybe they’re mushroom clouds. I don’t know.

Michael: So they’re all trunks. If they’re trees. With just a little bit of the…the bottom rung of leaves…

Ted: Alright.

Michael: …Is visible on the picture within the picture. So we have the main character, I can’t tell you what he’s doing yet. But we have two other guys. They’re all in business suits. The main character has his jacket off because he’s in his office. But he’s got his vest and his tie, and there’s two guys at the door. One of them’s wearing a pinstripe suit and is smoking a cigar, and kinda looks like FDR from a profile.

Ted: Alright so we got a room full of big shots.

Michael: Room full of super big shots. So there’s a guy smoking a cigar in a pinstripe suit standing in the doorway. And there’s one behind him who’s not smoking a cigar, and isn’t in pinstripes. So you get the impression that he actually might be sort of a mid-management kind of guy.

Ted: Right, right. Yeah.

Michael: But back to the guy at the desk. He’s got a telephone. He’s got a stack of correspondence, and he’s got a little name plate. Although there’s no name on it.

Ted: Ok.

Michael: And he’s actually, he looks angry. He looks like a super busy guy. And he is hooked up to an I.V.

Ted: Oh, wow. This is not where I thought that was going. Ok.

Michael: I threw you a curveball. He is hooked up. He is handling it all himself. There’s no nurse’s aid so he’s…

Ted: He’s self-phlebotomizing.

Michael: There’s also a thing behind him and I don’t know what it is. Oh! It’s the I.V extension. The bag is hanging up. But there’s a thing behind him that’s some kind of mechanism. Frankly, I just don’t know what it is. It looks like a toolbox.

Ted: This from the guy that thought trees were mushroom clouds.

Michael: I have a dark turn of mind sometimes. The friends at the doorway. The business associates at the doorway–the guy in the pinstripe suit is looking on, just sort of proud and not surprised at all. Just like “Oh yes yes” kinda thing…

Ted: Ok.

Mike: Like he’s just certain of what that is. And then the other one behind him is like “Huh?” The mid-level management guy.

Ted: Right. Yeah.

Michael: And now I guess it’s time for the caption.

Ted: Can I take a guess first at what the message of this is gonna be?

Michael: Oh, I’d love that!

Ted: That even when you’re sick, you’re supposed to come to work. That’s…that’s super important.

Michael: Incorrect, that would be…

Ted: No? Ok.

Michael: That would be appropriate. Do you wanna try another one?

Ted: I think that’s all I had. Something like that these guys are so rich that even when they need an I.V, he sticks it in himself and he sits in his office still working.

Michael: But you don’t always need an I.V when you’re sick.

Ted: Could be hung over. You know you hang a banana bag, you feel a lot better in the morning.

Michael: You feel instantly better.

Ted: Yeah.

Michael: He could be working on a Tour de France run?

Ted: It could be that, yeah. He could be blood doping.

Michael: Well you’re dancing around it so I’m gonna give you the caption.

Ted: Ok.

Michael: The caption is-I assume the pinstripe suit guy is saying this. He goes, “Wilkens never wastes a minute, JP. That’s his lunch”

Ted: Wow.

Michael: So the idea is they’re so busy, although I don’t know how much time you’re saving when you could just eat a sandwich.

Ted: Yeah I think it’s less efficient to have to hook up an I.V bag, take it down, inject yourself, make sure there’s no air bubbles in the line. It seems like he’s wasting more time.

Michael: You could order a sandwich. Order a nice roast beef, cheese, whatever–what did they eat back then? Same thing we eat now? Pastrami?

Ted: I think pretty much the same thing we eat now. Yeah, a good pastrami sandwich that they’re gonna make for you and deliver.

Michael: Yeah.

Ted: There’s probably a sandwich cart in this office, by the way.

Michael: But you could have a full mouth and you could be writing away correspondence. You could even be full mouthed, ordering people around.

Ted: Yeah.

Michael: “Buy, sell, whatever” you know. But he’s sitting alone with an I.V staring angrily ahead of him, while his associates are behind him, making comments.

Ted: See, I thought…I didn’t see it going this way. And in terms of waking time, if Mad Men is any indication, guys like Don Draper spend half the day napping on their couches.

Michael: Yeah.

Ted: Like, he wasted a lot of time on that show.

Michael: Hold my calls.

Ted: Hold my calls, I’m gonna lay down. And everyone just kinda goes, “Oh, of course. He’s been thinking so much.”

Michael: Alright Ted, I’m just gonna show you the cartoon now.

Ted: Ok.

Michael: Alright, here it is. What do you think? Was I accurate in my description?

Ted: They do look like mushroom clouds.

Michael: Yes! Told you!

Ted: The other thing about this I.V, which I find strange about like his efficiency is he’s gotta keep that arm still on his desk the whole time.

Michael: Yeah.

Ted: He’s turned himself into a one-armed guy, he doesn’t even have a typewriter in front of him.

Michael: Wilkens, you’re an idiot.

Ted: Yeah.

Michael: And I think he…he likes the pain of it. There’s gotta be some other benefit to him.

Ted: Yeah. I think he likes that it looks like he’s being really efficient. He’s gonna go home after this and be ravenously hungry.

Michael: Yeah, you just wanna chew something!

Ted: Yeah.

Michael: At that point.

Ted: You get no flavor outta that bag.

V.O: This has been–Ted and Michael Present–Wall Street Journal Cartoons: Described.

—

“Shower With Mike 5”

V.O: Alright listeners. It’s that time once more. Head to the dimmer switch and lower those lights. Light your candles, lay back in your favorite chair. It’s time…to shower with Mike.

Mike: I’m hungry. Hang on. I’ll be right back.

*Sound of Mike leaving the shower, and the bathroom, tracking water as he goes, and then he returns.*

Mike: Shower spaghetti is a natural aphrodisiac.

*He eats*

Mike: You want some? Come on, try some. No? Ok. More for me. (Pause) Oh. I almost forgot. I got this bouquet for you. I hid it under the sink. Huh. Who knew? Steam can find its way under a bathroom sink. That is my bad. But a real lady knows it’s the thought that counts, right? Please lock the door behind you.

V.O: This has been another installment of showering with Mike.

—

“Penis Sunscreen”

*A man and a woman are passionately making out*

Man: Oh, wow.

Woman: Take those off.

Man: Ok.

*The man rustles his pants off.

Woman: What is that? Ewww. WHO WERE YOU WITH?

Man: No, it’s not what you think, I just have to…

*Man emits a high-pitched shriek of agony. Woman joins him with a shriek of terror and disgust*

V.O: Remember the last time you let your penis get sunburned? Introducing “Captain Kahl’s Penis Sunscreen” Conventional sunscreen has never been good for those sensitive areas when you visit your favorite nudist resort. It’s hard to comfortably make it blend with your natural skin tone. No matter how much you rub, it just doesn’t look right. And the result leaves you with a blotchy and pale penis, not what you want after a day at the beach. Instead, use “Captain Kahl’s Penis SunScreen.” It’s easily applied and won’t leave you looking like your favorite member is stuck in December. “Captain Kahl’s Penis Sunscreen.” Turn your Schwanz to Bronze. Available only in Florida.

—

“Walken Claus”

V.O: And now we present Christopher Walken filling in for Santa Claus, already in progress…

Boy: Santa?

OG: Jesus Christ! Go back to sleep! You just ruined…what would’ve been…a wonderful surprise. Look kid, I’m not Santa. I’m method actor Christopher Walken. Now where’s ya tree? This layout…is illogical. In the morning, you should tell your parents to seriously rethink their decorative choices. Why is the couch at an angle? This doesn’t make any sense at all. Put it flush against the wall. It’s all caddy-cornered. I hate that. And what’s this table doing in the middle of the room? I smacked my shin on it as I walked in. Look kid, presents, and I’ve got a couple billion other houses to get to. And your parents have decided to make this as hard as possible for me…

Boy: The tree’s in the dining room.

OG: In what universe does a Christmas tree not go in the living room? I mean, I get it if you’re poor. Maybe it goes by the furnace in the kitchen where you heat the bricks that you use to get into bed at night when you’re cold. If you were Jewish… yeah sure, no tree. But son, you’re methodist. I have this information on my list. And… I checked it twice. It’s not too late…. To go on the naughty list. Don’t jack with me boy.

—

“Boston Hogwarts 2”

OG: Are you tired of seeing your friends succeed in life while you’re stuck in a rut? Are those red pants wearing Harvard cunts giving you a hard time? Check out the Hogwarts Technical school of witchcraft and wizardry at our new Massachusetts satellite campus. You’ll enjoy the same magical education people have experienced at the original English campus, but you won’t have to venture outside of the greater Boston area, or experience one moment in a new culture.

GPS: My dream of working as an 18th century historical re-enactor wasn’t as glamorous as I’d hoped. I mean, how many times can you tell somebody, “This is where Paul Revere used to take a crap.”? So I went to Hogwarts and got myself a time turner. Now rich people from the past pay me top dollar to tell them what the future’s like!

Luke: I was slinging rock on Dorchester Ave when I got popped by a couple ‘a staties. I had three choices; go to prison, join the army, or go to Hogwarts. I chose Hogwarts and I couldn’t be happier. Wizards will pay through the nose for a dime bag of felix felicis. I haven’t changed my passion and I can’t get pinched, because I’ve gone legit.

OG: Hogwarts promises you that when you’re enrolled here, your security is paramount. Our private squad of dementors is supplemented by a whole bunch of middleweight boxers that are past their prime, but still pretty good.

Ted: I saw the Bruins lose to the fuckin’ Islanders. Me and my friends waited at the locker room exit to call the team a bunch ‘a butt fillas. Boy did we get our asses kicked. When I woke up from my coma and was told my friend had enrolled in Hogwarts, I decided to follow his lead. Because I can’t think for myself!

MPS: My parents died in a freak, I-killed-them-accident. I ran to Hogwarts with the hope of enrollment. After they found out about my checkered history, they deemed me not a fit candidate. But since then, I’ve been surviving on unicorn blood in the forbidden forest. Such trusting and truly gullible animals.

Manny: In ninth grade I found out I had ulcerative colitis. Donny and Markie bullied me into eating all the Wahlburgers I could handle until I shit my brains out in the middle of Yastrzemski’s Bar and Grill. Those fucks had a good chuckle. But then I found Hogwarts. Once I mastered the Cruciatus Curse, Donny and Markie got what was coming. I tortured them for three days with their own early 90’s recordings! And fuck that Joey McIntyre cunt from Needham for good measure!

OG: Hey Mrs Costigan! Hey Mrs Costigan! Mrs Costigan! Mrs Costigan! I heard they sent Tim up Sherley way for passing bad checks. Guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from its whore mother! How am I doing? I’m at Hogwarts, you saggy bitch! (Realizes he’s filming) Oh. Enroll in Boston Hogwarts today. Act now and receive four free months of Spotify. Use your time turner and call five minutes ago, and receive free admission to the farmer’s market at Holy Cross. They got corn. Hogwarts. Get sorted for life.

GPS: I went to Hogwarts. And I got sorted.

Luke: And I got sorted.

Ted: And I got sorted.

GPS: Get sorted…

Everyone: For life.

Kelly: Go fuck yourself.

—

Michael: You guys, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for all of the replies, and the re-tweets, and the rates and the reviews. We appreciate you so much. Thank you for sticking with us for ten whole episodes. Ted, I’d like to dedicate this episode to the two promos that we recorded that never saw the light of day.

Ted: I know which ones you’re talkin’ about.

Michael: Yeah, cause you wrote both of them. We played Wisconsin ice fishermen in one, and Ted pretended to be an orphan in the other. Which of course he’s not. They made it all the way to post-production, but couldn’t get past Fort Gillian.

Ted: Thanks a lot, Geeps.

Gillian: Oh, you’re welcome. They weren’t good enough. That’s what I’m here for.

Ted: She’s right.

Michael: Yeah. No argument.

Ted: They were awful.

Michael: Ted, do you have a dedication?

Ted: I’d like to dedicate this episode to comics who still wear bright-colored shirts and wacky ties. Thanks for being the unsubtle embodiment of the spirit of the early ‘90’s mirth that you’re trying to represent.

Michael: Stay tuned for outtakes and our fancy outtro. And we have a new episode next Wednesday, and you can hear me on my wife, our producer, Gillian Pensavalle’s podcast, “The Hamilcast” from time to time. And you could follow her @thehamilcast.

—

“Outtakes”

—Wall Street Journal Cartoons Described 2—

Gillian: Not Wall Street Journal. New Yorker.

Michael: Nope. Wall Street Journal. You were right.

Gillian: Really?

Michael: Mmhmm.

—

Ted: I like the dichotomy of the guy who’s such a strong worker that he’ll have an I.V at his desk as his “lunch”, and the other guy’s in the doorway smoking a cigar.

Michael: Yeah! And the I.V guy doesn’t even notice him.

Ted: Yeah.

Michael: And I like that his name is name is Wilkens.

Ted: Oh yeah.

Michael: Because this was a time where you had to be an Ivy League wasp…

Ted: Where else do you think he learned how to tap an I.V? He was a skull and bones man.

Michael: (Singing) Who rigs every Oscar night? We do!

—

Michael: Doesn’t this guy kinda look like FDR? It looks like he’s wearing glasses.

Ted: A little bit. But he’s standing up. Polio was the real deal.

Michael: Sure was.

—

—Penis Sunscreen—

V.O: Introducing Captain Kahl’s Penis Sunscreen. Because the only time your penis should burn is when you’ve earned it.

—

V.O: Instead, use Captain Kahl’s Penis Sunscreen. The perfect thing for when your little man wants an even tan.

—

—Walken Claus—

Walken: Don’t jack with me boy. It’s not too late…. To go on the naughty list. I’ll burn this house to the ground while you parents sleep, if you sass me again.

—

Michael: This is Walken Claus pickups. (Burps) Excuse me.

Gillian: I’m glad you’re editing that.

Michael: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones brought to you by Miller High Life. The champagne of beers.

—

Michael: Jill, can you do a boy voice? A boy cartoon voice?

Gillian: I mean, I can try.

Ted: Yeah.

Michael: Bart Simpson’s a woman…

Gillian: Yeah. (As a boy) Santa? Santa?

Michael: G! Nice job!

Gillian: Is that ok?

Michael: (As Scott Malkinson from “South Park”) “I’m Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes.

Gillian: Yeah. (As Scott Malkinson from “South Park”) “I’m Scott Malkinson. And I have diabetes. (As Walken Claus boy) Santa?

Michael: This is the role you were born to play. Who knew?

—

Walken: I’ll burn this house to the ground while you parents sleep, if you sass me again. I was there the night Natalie Wood died.

Gillian: Oh my God!

Walken: I’ll make it look like you fell off…fell out of a life raft. I’ve got some experience with this.

Boy: Go to the police, Santa.

Walken: Me and Bob Wagner, we covered it up. We talked to the ship’s captain and said, “You tell anyone about this, you’re next!”

—

“Boston Hogwarts 2”

Luke: Wizards will pay through the nose for a dime bag of felix felicees.

Michael: Felicis.

Luke: Felicis.

—

Luke: Wizards will pay through the nose for a dime bag of felix felicees. Felicis.

—

Luke: Wizards will pay through the nose for a dime bag of felix fillicis. Fa…what is it?

Michael: Felix Felicis.

Luke: Felix Felicees. Felicis.

Michael: Felicis.

Luke: Felicis.

—

Luke: Now rich people from the past pay me top dollar to tell them what the future’s like. And, um…it’s pretty bright.

—

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.

Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.