Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

April 29, 2020

Michael: Hello hello!
Ted: I am Ted.
*Michael laughs*
Ted: I thought you were gonna chime right in there.
Michael: Yeah, well welcome to episode two of season two of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael Paul Smith.
Ted: I’m Ted. Last name redacted.
Michael: And we just wanna, you know, thank you guys for listening. But you know, I’m kinda done with the over-thanking. So…can we do like, a meta-thank you for all the support.
Ted: Yeah. I feel like, when I’m at your apartment, I don’t ask if I can have a cup of water. I just help myself.
Michael: Guys, just help yourself. There’s stuff in the fridge.
Ted: Put your hand in the cookie jar. Enjoy.
Michael: Welcome. Wash your hands. We love you guys. We don’t have to say it all the time.
Ted: You’re family.
Michael: Alright. Let’s get on with it.
Ted: Yeah, that’s enough of that.
Michael: Yeah. Let’s get in the shower.
—
“Shower With Mike 6”
V.O: Alright listeners. Head to the dimmer switch and lower those lights. Light your candles, lay back in your favorite chair. It’s time…to shower with Mike.

Mike: Hey good lookin’, thanks for getting the water nice and hot for me. You don’t mind if I hang up my favorite T-shirt, and steam it up, do you? It’s wrinkley…and I’ve been told that I can wear a tie dye shirt as long as it’s not wrinkled, and still get a table…at Le Bernardin. Oooh, yeah. That feels nice. Maybe I’ll start from the bottom up this time. I mean feet, bottom. Not my bottom bottom. Yeah. Gotta…get in between the toes. I’m out of Odor Eaters, so I have to be extra vigilant.
(Pause)
You know, I really admire rats. I mean, every human on earth wants them dead. And yet still they thrive. It’s like “The Bourne Identity” times…two billion. Not even Matt Damon could survive that.

V.O: This has been another installment of Shower with Mike.

“Fraud Kits: Pregnancy”
V.O: Hey ladies! Are you tired of looking at pictures of your friends’ kids on social media? Are you ready to give in to the pressure to pop out a few dependents of your own? But men are mostly terrible. And are all the donors at the clinic really Harvard graduates? What if I told you that there was a way to get all the attention and pregnancy plaudits, without the headaches and responsibilities of actual child bearing? Introducing the new Tyburn Industries fraud kits brand pregnancy kit. For just six easy payments of $19.99, we’ll send you a carefully designed package with everything you’ll need to have that shower, get those presents, and get your parents off your back. Plus, you’ll never need to change a diaper, let alone buy one. Think of all the money you’ll save on formula, because let’s face it, if you’re considering this at all, you weren’t going to breastfeed anyway.
Your kit will include:
-a silicone belly
-an anatomy chart to help you to complain about back pain.
-Baby naming books to be strewn about your residence.
-A partially assembled baby carriage or cradle
– A fake doctor’s number with a trained actor that will take your calls, and call you to confirm appointments when you’re out at brunch with your friends.
-A poetic-sounding letter that you can send to your favorite ex-boyfriend to convince him to first attend your lamaze classes, then soon after come back to you, for the sake of the kid that isn’t even his,
-A stainless steel mug so you can continue to partake in the alcohol of your choice, without anyone being the wiser. And if anyone asks for a sip of the mug’s contents, you simply have to tell them that you’re keeping close track of your “water” intake.
-We’ll also have a trained actor call you from an insurance company to badger you about premiums and copays. This will incite people in your life to lend you money that you’ll never have to pay back. And when you’re ready to give up the rouse, we have your exit strategy all mapped out. Simply tell your liberal friends that you gave the child up to a well-off, handsome gay couple from the upper west side of Manhattan. And tell your conservative friends that you gave the child up to an evangelical monastery. We’ll send you studio-quality photo evidence of both. Simply switch the photos depending on who’s visiting. It will plausibly end your charade with a grand finale.
Fraud kits: Buy BEFORE you lie.

“Professional Athlete Boyfriend: Dinner”
V.O: And now we present…a professional athlete…boyfriend.

Girlfriend: Hey, wanna order Chinese?

Athlete: Well Chinese is always good to have around, no question about it. I’ve ordered a lot of Kung Pow recently, and hopefully I can keep it going throughout the week.

Girlfriend: You hate Kung Pow.

Athlete: No, Kung Pow’s always a strong option right outta the gate. I’ve had a lot of success with Kung Pow in the past. And I think I’m gonna go with that. It’s been good.

Girlfriend: You but you always say it’s too spicy.

Athlete: It is, but at the end of the day, I sort of see it as a rivalry. It’s like we both enjoy the energy. You know, but at the end of the day it’s just a regular meal, just a regular season meal. When the time comes, we’ll both have a job to do. It’s my job to eat it, and it’s uh it’s the food’s job to be as spicy as it can be. I think we both enjoy the hype that’s involved. So I’ll try to keep it up, just play my game, and hopefully it’ll keep me going for the next couple meals.

Girlfriend: (Interrupting) Ok, got it got it got it. Where should we order from?

Athlete: I think Szechuan Dynasty has been a good option for me. We took a chance on them in the spring, and they’ve really come through. Just a solid 2nd or 3rd line meal option. Pretty solid. It’s all about whoever gets more scallions on the cutting board, really.

Girlfriend: Ok. Do you want me to order?

Athlete: I don’t know. You’ll have to talk to…you’ll have to talk to the skip about that.

Girlfriend: Is…who is Skip? Does he work at the restaurant?

Athlete: If I make the call, I think there’s a good chance that we’ll be on the same page. I think it’ll increase the chances of us having an accurate meal. But at the end of the day, it’s not about me. It’s about our meal as a whole. It’s about everybody at the table. It’s not about individual bites, it’s not even about individual meals. It’s about the whole group atmosphere. You know I gotta think about everybody else. If we come out with a win, it’s it’s…I’d rather have a bad meal if it means we all come out with a win. It’s about the whole meal. It’s not just about me. We’re a team. We just gotta take it one dish at a time.

Girlfriend: A team? How many people are…? Did you invite people over? To my apartment? Again? I thought we talked about this.

Athlete: (Looking around) Alright, thanks, guys.

Girlfriend: What guys? Why aren’t you looking at me? Do you have someone on speaker phone? (Pause) Whatever. I’m ordering Italian.

V.O: This has been a professional athlete…boyfriend.

—

Michael: I think that sketch went pretty well. I think we left it all out there.

Ted: Ok. You gotta drop it, dude.

Michael: I just try to put it all out there for two minutes.

Ted: Mike…Mike. The sketch is over. You gotta drop it.

Michael: I’M A METHOD ACTOR, TED!

Ted: I know. And nothing is more infuriating.

Michael: How many chairs do I have to break? When you insist that I break character, I insist that I break my furniture.

Ted: I’m gonna throw myself against the wall next. Here’s another sketch, gang!

—

“Trump Guess Who 5”
V.O: And now we present Donald J. Trump and Stephen Miller playing Guess Who.

Miller: Is your person wearing a furry hat?

*No response*

Miller: Sir?

*No response*

Miller: (Knowing, parental) Sir…?

*No response*

Miller: Sir?

Trump: (Interrupting) NO! STEPHEN, MY PERSON IS NOT WEARING A FURRY HAT! OK!?

Miller: Ok, I’m just saying…

Trump: (Interrupting) He’s certainly not wearing the kind of hat that they wear in Russia, ok? And if he was, it’s certainly not the kind of hat that’s not been given to me many many times, by not close associates of President Putin, ok? If those hats were included in gift baskets filled with cultural souvenirs that were meant to curry favor with me and to accompany blackmail overtures, then yeah sure maybe MAYBE I’d recognize it. But I don’t. Ok? OK!? Ok.

Miller: I never said Russian. I also never said Ukranian.

Trump: It’s fake news, Stephen. This whole game is a rigged hoax, designed to swing the election for Hillary.

Miller: The election’s over, sir. Although there is another one right around the corner.

Trump: Would your person build a self-driving car, or drive a regular car backwards into a roadside memorial at 2 miles an hour?

Miller: I don’t understand.

Trump: Oh come on Steven. Would your person’s name be a recurring joke in a John Hughes movie?

Miller: I…uh…I’m not the biggest…John Hughes fan…

Trump: Stephen, you’re killing me. If your person was “Crazy Rich” ok? Would they have like a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes?

Miller: Oh, I think I get it now.

Trump: Or did your person’s parents operate a dry cleaner and an ethnic restaurant?

Miller: Yes. Is your person…

Trump: Is your person…

Miller: Sir, it’s my turn.

Trump: Nevermind that. Is your person Takagi?

Miller: Is your person Boris?

Trump: Adududududu, I asked you first!

Miller: It was my turn, sir. Is your person Boris? (Pause) Sir…is your person Boris? You can tell me.

Trump: Stephen, you’re fired!

Miller: I’m sorry sir. Yes, you win.

Trump: And just like that Stephen, you’re unfired, ok?

Miller: Thank you, sir.

Trump: Total and complete vindication, ok? That’s what I just got.

V.O: This has been Donald Trump and Stephen Miller playing Guess Who.

“Werner/Zahn 6”
Werner: Welcome to what will likely be the final, and quite a hurried edition of Werner Herzog interviews Steve Zahn. I’m not sure if our microphones are picking it up at this time, but there are helicopters making their way to Steve and I.

Zahn: Oh, thank God.
Werner: Sounds like blackhawks to me, Steve. They will have boots on the ground in moments. There’s no way they will believe you came here voluntarily and stayed because of your love of great conversation.

Zahn: Well maybe you can turn yourself in, Werner. And maybe they’ll go easy on you, and I promise I won’t press charges.

Werner: Damn that Tom Hanks and Harrison Ford. I will never let them harm you Steve. We will die before that happens.

Zahn: Oh, you think it’s Tom Hanks and Harrison Ford out there, rescuing me? It’s probably just a SWAT team.

Werner: How did they find my beloved lair, Falcon’s talon.

Zahn: Well, they probably triangulated your internet, and you’re also a pretty well-known guy. I think I heard paparazzi outside.

Werner: Steve, my adrenaline is pumping and my palms are damp with sweat. Feel them… My heartbeat has turned rapid. It’s like the first time I saw you in Steven Soderburgh’s film adaptation of Elmore Leonard’s novel “Out of Sight.”

Zahn: Well thanks. Most people don’t remember me for that movie. Why don’t we just keep talking for five or ten more minutes, Werner? And we’ll see where we are then.

Werner: Do you smell that Steve? It is the stink of Tom Hanks’ fear. I smell you coward! Come at me, Hanks!

FBI agent: Jonesey, circle around! See if you can find an open window! I want snipers on that hill!

FBI agent 2: We’re in position, boss.

Zahn: Just kick in the door.

FBI agent: No one takes a shot unless I give the green!

Werner: Steve, if we live through this, I promise to run you a hot bath and feed you cotton candy as you soak your weary bones.

Zahn: Thank you, Werner. I appreciate the offer of water and candy.

Werner: Steve if today I reach the gates of Heaven I will tell St. Peter to please return me to my mortal form. For I was having the greatest day of my life! Shall we go hand and hand into the darkness, my sweet Steve.

FBI agent: Zahn! Scream if you can hear us!

Zahn: We’re down here! He’s unarmed. COME ON!

FBI agent 2: Herzog! You can end this! Come out!

Zahn: Oh, come on! You guys are a SWAT team, you have shields. Just come in!

Werner: Steve, my only regret is that our names will never be carved inside a heart on an old willow tree.

Zahn: Well Werner, I will visit you in prison and I’ll bring a Sharpie and we can write it on the table.

FBI agent: OPEN UP! WE HAVE A WARRANT!

Werner: It would appear this is the universe’s way of saying what we have is too powerful for the world to understand.

FBI agent 2: Zahn, don’t you worry! This is that thing that WE do! We’re gonna get you out, buddy!

Werner: Steve, before we say good-bye, please swallow this capsyule.

Zahn: No thank you, Werner, I…

Werner: Swallow the capsyule. This has been the last episode of Werner Herzog interviews Steve Zahn. Steve, you’re biting my thumb. Don’t be a baby. It’s just a capsyule. NOT MY THUMB. THE CAPSYULE.

Steve: (Garbled) I don’t wannit!

—

Ted: Werner Herzog finally just broke mentally.

Michael: Yeah it’s kinda creepy how the tape just kinda cuts off. Maybe someone stepped on it or something.

Ted: I think the weirder thing is that when that was mailed to us, there was no return address. We have no idea who sent that to us.

Michael: Whoa.

Ted: Or if they’re still alive.

Michael: Well we have some idea. You can narrow it down pretty quickly, I think.

Ted: Somethin’ to think about, people. Stay woke. I’d like to dedicate this episode to sudden switches to sobering tones. (Switches to sobering tone) There’s nothing better when you intend to make people think that what you’re saying is serious, and important, than to switch to sobering tones.

Michael: (Shudders) Whoo. Chills.

Ted: Right?

Michael: Really good.

Ted: Thank you. Sobering tones.

Michael: Stay tuned for outtakes, which are always very popular. And we have a new episode coming out next week.

Ted: And guys, keep shooting us emails. We love hearing from you. So thank you very much.

Michael: I thought we were done with the thanking. With the over-thanking. Just say “we love hearing from you” or “we appreciate…” but you can’t contradict what I said this episode. These episodes are not that long.

Ted: I’m sorry, Mike. Thank you for the note.

Michael: Goddammit.

—

“Outtakes”

“Shower With Mike 6”

Mike: I bet Dean Martin would have been really fun to shower with. Great acoustics for his singing. Man the jokes that guy had. That guy was a real cut up. Most of the time, wasn’t really drunk also. Martinelli’s cider in a rocks glass.

—

Ted: Great.

Gillian: Yeah.

Michael: That was it.

Ted: Two-take Tony’s.

Michael: Woo!

Gillian: There ya go!

—

“Trump Guess Who 5”
Trump: Oh come on, Stephen. Would your person’s name be a recurring joke in a John Hughes movie? I love John Hughes, by the way. I thought he was really fantastic. What an auteur. What an auteur.
—
Stephen: Sir, I think we’ve been playing this game in a very racist manner.
Trump: And now, you’re unfired. It’s that easy. It’s just that easy to un-fire someone. They just have to kiss a little boot. You know what I mean? You just kiss a little boot, you put your lips on the boots, you kiss them, you’re unfired it’s that easy, you just…put a kiss on the boot. Kisses on the boots.
Stephen: Thank you, sir. Thank you for your approval. Now maybe the nightmares will stop.
—
“Werner/Zahn 6”
FBI agent 2: Throw down your schnitzel and come out with your hands up!

—

FBI agent 2: There are two ways to leave, Herzog. Out the front door, and out the front door in a body bag. Don’t forget that dream.

—

Zahn: I vote “no” on that Werner. I think maybe wait ‘til Tom Hanks, or Harrison…

Werner: Steve…

Zahn: Maybe you can have a showdown with Tom Hanks if he kicks in the door…COME ON!

Werner: Steve…

Zahn: No, Werner. No.

—

Ted: (Singing) Zahn and Herzog, Zahn and Herzog.

—

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.