Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 2, Episode 4 Transcript

May 13, 2020

Michael: Ted, what are you drinkin’?

Ted: Right now I’m having a Scotch, Mike.

Michael: Cool.

Ted: Can we start the episode?

Michael: Yeah.

Gillian: Well, welcome to Ted and Michael…we gotta really…

Michael: Yes. Thank you, Gillian.

Ted: Thank you.

Michael: Hey everyone! Welcome to “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

Michael: And most of this episode is based on a certain Jerry Seinfeld-hosted streaming series. And if we’ve done a good enough job, we won’t even have to say the name of it.

—

“Hitmen In Cars Getting Coffee 1”

Giorgio (V.O) This blue Chevy caprice station wagon is old, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. But it can still get where it needs to go, and jump on and off a highway if necessary. Similarly, my guest is legendary hitman Guy Zetella. I’ve known Guy since our days as mercenaries for the mob. He has trouble getting out of bed these days, and has his share of health problems. But, fuck it. He’s a lot better off than his victims! He used to kill men by the dozen. Now he kills them one at a time. But he still kills.

*Giorgio dials a phone. Guy answers.

Guy: Who the fuck is this?
Giorgio: Hey Guy baby, it’s Sal Giorgio.
Guy: Hey Paintcan, how’s it goin’?
Giorgio: You feel like gettin’ some coffee today?
Guy: Oh yeah. Always espresso.
Giorgio: I’m on my way.
Giorgio: This is uh, Sally “The Paintcan” Giorgio. Welcome to the show.

Producer: Sally, just say your name, and then the title of the show.

Giorgio: I thought you’d put the thing that says the title under my name…? Why would I…?

Producer: Well you have to do both. It has to open the same way.

Giorgio: It’s gonna be graphically there.

Producer: It’s “I’m Sally ‘The Paintcan’ Giorgio, and this is Hitmen in Cars Getting Coffee.” You just gotta say it one time.

Giorgio: It’s, that’s redundancy if I’m saying it and you got it in letters. That’s like saying the audience is dumb.

Producer: Sal, when you killed someone, why did you always take their left shoe?

Giorgio: That’s a trademark.

Producer: It’s a trademark. It’s a signature. Exactly. That’s all this is.

Giorgio: You want my shoe? You want my shoe?

Producer: I’m saying this is our version of taking a shoe. Just say “I’m Sally ‘The Paintcan’ Giorgio, and this is…”

Giorgio: “I’m Sally ‘The Paintcan’ Giorgio, this is…his version of takin’ a shoe.”

Producer: And this is “Hitmen in Cars Getting Coffee.”

Giorgio: I’m Sally ‘The Paintcan’ Giorgio, and whatever this is, uh “Hitmen in Cars Getting Coffee.”

Producer: Alright, good enough. Thank you.

*A little later.

Giorgio: So how many hits do you have under your belt?

Guy: Seven hundred and eleven killed, another six wounded, but, you know I was just starting out. I was a kid.

Giorgio: So, six guys got a pass.

Guy: Three guys. The other three were quickly seen to by more established hitmen, much to my, uh, chagrin.

Giorgio: No hitman likes to be another hitman’s opener.

Guy: Fuckin’ right.

Waitress: Ooookay, what can I get ya?

Giorgio: I’d like a regular coffee and a cherry danish, please.

Waitress (Writing) Mmmhmm.

Guy: Do you guys have apple turnovers?

Waitress: We do.

Guy: I’d like one of those. And an iced coffee, please.

*Waitress exits

Giorgio: You got started in the club scene, right?

Guy: Yeah, the social clubs were the hangouts for all the mobs. All the white mobs, anyway. That’s how all us old timers got started. There was none of this social media, or murder for hire on the dark web stuff.

Giorgio: You had to get seen.

Guy: You had to get your “stage time.”

Giorgio: So what was your home club?

Guy: Oh, the only club for aspiring hitmen in northeastern Queens–The Hazel Otter Social Club.

Giorgio: That’s where I got started, too.

Guy: No shit. You know, if the owner of that club…

Giorgio: Troy Jensen…
Guy: Troy Jensen. If he believed in your career, then the sky was the limit. But you had to hang out there every day, hoping to get seen by Troy. It could take months.

Giorgio: So what would you do in the meantime?

Guy: Oh, you know, you try to hone your craft. Scoop up a little “stage time” here and there: you know–getting into fist fights, a little light mugging, impressing people by shooting at targets down in the basement, or maybe even getting some work as an accomplice on someone else’s contract. If you could get signed on as wheelman, or as second shooter to someone’s hit, eventually Troy would take a chance on you with a contract of your own.

Giorgio: And Troy had a direct line to the kingmaker.

Guy: Oh boy. The kingmaker himself. The sultan of snuff outs.

Both: Augustus Powell.

Guy: The fuckin’ legend.

Giorgio: Great guy. Gave a lot of hitters their starts.

Guy: Mmm hmm. Sure did. Sure did.

Giorgio: What made him such an important lifeline for so many of us in the business?

Guy: His contracts were lucrative, he had the highest profile assassinations. You could make a mint. If you were hired by him, you know you weren’t just gonna make the Metro section. Your hit was gonna be front page news.

Giorgio: And if he asked you to come back to his office after your hit, then you knew you were really on your way.

Guy: Oh, I remember those few seconds before he invited me back. So nerve-wracking.

*Music fades in

Giorgio: You gotta take a leak, now’s a good time. We’ll be back with more “Hitmen in Cars Getting Coffee” in just a minute. I might switch to Sanka. This caffeine is gettin’ to me.

“Emotional Support Booze”

Dr: How are you feeling today?
Woman: Not good, doctor. I’m scattered, anxious, bored. You name it.

Dr: How’s your confidence?

Woman: Non-existent. And I haven’t told anybody I love them in hours!

Dr: Sounds like somebody could use a drink.

Woman: …Huh?

Dr: You heard me.

Woman: But I have to work later.

Dr: Here. Just keep this in your wallet. Certified emotional support booze is the newest addition to the psychotherapeutic field. Your doctor can now give qualified patients a prescription to drink openly, anywhere. Because it’s ok to be intoxicated as long as you’re working on you. Don’t believe me? Just take your prescription with you, and watch what happens!

Guard: Ma’am, this is a library. Are you drinking a…margarita?

Woman: That’s right, little girl. This booze is certified. See?

Guard: Oh. Forgive me. I, uh…

Woman: I brought a whole Mad Men cart.

Guard: Would you mind if I poured myself a…

Woman: I’m afraid I couldn’t. This is working booze. Not recreational booze.

Guard: Of course. I’ll leave you to it.

Beverly: I felt like a hollow shell after my husband ran off with my sister. My doctor told me the best thing to do was fill that vast emptiness with white zinfandel. And now that I have a prescription, I don’t even have to hide it in a thermus when I go to the office!

Boss: Beverly, did you finish the inventory report?

Beverly: No Scott, I didn’t. Can you get me a new glass from the supply closet? You’d better grab another bottle while you’re back there.

Dr/V.O: But wait, there’s more! Now you can cope with your postpartum depression, or even your partum depression, with our new line of certified baby booze. Just imagine…

Woman: This baby’s reaching for my nip again. I’d better reach for a nip of my own!

Dr/V.O: Just ask your doctor about certified emotional support booze. Brought to you by Medilibation, Inc. Cheers.

“Hitmen In Cars Getting Coffee 2”

Giorgio: Welcome back to another prodigious episode of “Hitmen in Cars Getting Coffee.” We’re back with Guy Zetella, goin’ over some of the more fun and humorous aspects of the business.

*At the cafe

Giorgio: Do you ever work in Vegas?

Guy: Oh, whenever I can! I love it out there. Hits are lucrative, there’s lots to do. I always ask the client to put me up somewhere nice. Plus it’s a dry heat, good for my sinuses. And my skin.

Giorgio: Most hitmen have to be able to tour.

Guy: Yeah, I’ll go anywhere if they can meet my quote. Don’t get me wrong. But I can usually do ok with New York and one or two Vegas appearances a year. You know?

Giorgio: What are the witnesses like in Vegas these days?

Great. Very respectful, not too many of them. Or hecklers.

Giorgio: How do you deal with witnesses?

Guy: Well every hitman usually has a range of options of how to deal with bystanders of any kind. That all comes with experience.

Giorgio: Sometimes they’re just drunks that want attention…

Guy: Right, or sometimes they don’t like what I’m doing, how I’m doing it. But, you know–I’m there for a reason. Because I’m a professional. A lot of hitmen can get them to back off with a threat, or even an appeal to their conscience.

Giorgio: “I don’t go to where YOU work and witness things.”
Guy: Right, exactly.

Giorgio: So how do you handle them?

Guy: Oh, me? I kill them. No questions asked.

Giorgio: Right. That’s why you’re so good.

Guy: Ah thanks buddy.

Giorgio: Do you ever use props? What do you like to use? You a gun guy? Knife?

Guy: I’ve always been a garrote wire man. I like to strangle the life out of them. There’s something about seeing the life force gradually leave a suffocating man. Never gets old for me.

Giorgio: You work clean?

Guy: Yeah, I work clean. I wear gloves.

Giorgio: Did you ever have to hit one of your idols?

Guy: Yeah some guys snuck me into a prison, and I beat Tommy Fingers Delvecchio to death with a padlock that I put in a tube sock. I was like, “Mr. Del Vecchio, I’m a big fan of your work, but I have to smash in your skull with this lock in a sock.” Mr. Del Vecchio was a gentleman about it, barely made a peep. He just sat in his wheelchair and took my best stuff.

Giorgio: The professionals always do.

Guy: I mean don’t get me wrong, I felt bad, but he understood business is business. And our business is killing people for money. I mean, I love my work, but that was a sad day. They dimmed the lights in his cell block that night. It was nice. Old school respect.

Giorgio (V.O to audience) These two hitmen are takin’ a break. But don’t go anywhere. Because, you know (laughs) we could find you. I’m just kidding. Stay right there.

—

“Casa Enemigos”

V.O: I’m sure by now you’ve heard of a certain film star’s very successful brand of tequila! Of course we’re talking about George Clooney’s Casamigos. People everywhere love it. And why shouldn’t they? After all, Casamigos is roughly translated as “house of friends.” And who wouldn’t want to be friends with George Clooney?

V.O.: Brad Pitt that’s who. Brad Pitt is done playing second fiddle to a cut rate Danny Ocean. Give it up George. You haven’t been relevant since your days on E.R. And Brad Pitt is done sniffing your jock. Your biggest achievement to date is being Amal’s husband. She’s doing the work, and you just take the credit. But not anymore, you son of a bitch. Introducing a new tequila, by award winning actor and loyal friend, Brad Pitt. Casa Enemegos. “House of Enemies.” Give as a gift and watch as friends receive the worst hangover they’ve ever had… and then go sterile. This tequila will burn through stomach lining faster than it burns through shoe leather. So this holiday give George Clooney…. Um give your enemy a bottle of Casa Enemigos.

Brad Pitt: Hi, I’m Brad Pitt and I endorse Casa Enemigos. And fuck George Clooney! Angie almost broke me, man! And where were you? Off starting a tequila company with some guy Cindy Crawford married? WHO DOES THAT, MAN?! WHO DOES THAT?! And then you go off and get MARRIED! Confirmed bachelor my ass! How many lies are there, George? Go out and get yourself a bottle of Casa Enemigos. I hope the shit tastes like fucking betrayal (laughs maniacally).

V.O.: Casa Enemigos. You let us down George… you let us all down.

“Hitmen In Cars Getting Coffee 3”

Giorgio V.O: Welcome back to “Hitmen In Cars Gettin’ Coffee.”

*Back at the cafe

Giorgio: Any hits that stand out in your mind as being really special?

Guy: (Laughs) Yeah, I got one you’re gonna like. The philadelphia mob asked me to kill a guy just because one of the capos didn’t like him. So I says “sure, how do you want it done?” And get this, they said shoot him in his asshole, because the boss thinks this guy is a real asshole.

Giorgio: That is good! Talk about a shitty situation!

Guy: You’re telling me! I had to throw out my gun! Yeah we laughed about that one for a long time. The jokes were endless!

Giorgio: You ever do any time?

Guy: If you’re in this game long enough chances are you’re going to have a bad day somewhere down the line and get pinched.
Giorgio: So what was the inside like for you?

Guy: It was good. All the connected guys had their own thing going. And on the first day if you break a guy’s shin bone and threaten to cut his tongue out in the exercise yard you’re pretty much left alone. It’s pretty standard. So I had an ok time. Not that I’d recommend it. (Laughs) I will say this, the lawyer that couldn’t get me off on those charges could now fit into several zip lock bags!

Giorgio: Haha! I bet he could!

Guy: His wife still thinks he left her! Which I suppose he did. Cause he’s now in three different states. At the same time!

Giorgio: (Interrupting) Ah! Lawyer scum! I love it when lawyers die!

Guy: Oh, it’s the best!

Giorgio: Do you find yourself mentoring a lot of younger hitmen?

Guy: I never volunteer to do that, or offer any unsolicited criticism at all. But if a young hitter says, “Hey, can I show you some photos of my crime scene and you can tell me what you think?” I’ll gladly do it. Hitters today are more interested in…what is it? The Instagram?

Giorgio: Instant Gram.

Guy: InSTANT gram?

Giorgio: Yeah, I mean, it’s instant. Why would you leave off the last of the word?

Guy: Is that like a telegram?

Giorgio: It’s like a cracker.

Guy: The…what?

Giorgio: Instant cracker.

Guy: Oh, I never thought of it that way.

Giorgio: It started off with pictures of crackers.

Guy: No shit.

Giorgio:I don’t know.

Guy: Anyway, these hits are sloppy. Lazy. I mean, where’s the work?

Giorgio: Where’s the love?

Guy: Where is the love? I mean, that’s the whole point! They’re more interested in the Instagramming their carnage than actually living in the moment!

Giorgio: Would you like a refill?

Guy: I’m good. I got this.

Giorgio: No, no. Please. It’s on me.

Guy: Well alright I’ll leave the tip.

*Sound of Guy counting out many…many bills.*

Guy: 700 ok?

Giorgio: That’s good enough. She wasn’t great.

Guy: Alright alright. 720.

Giorgio V.O: This has been another episode of “Hitmen In Cars Getting Coffee.” Tommy? No agita on that one please. That alright?

Guy: I thought that was good. I thought you did a good job.

Giorgio: Good. Alright, boy. (Taps Producer on the cheek). You’re a good kid.

—

Michael: How do you feel about that recurring sketch, Ted? I’d go so far as to say…you killed. Huh!

Ted: Well, okay. Thank you buddy.

Michael: Yeah. Little bit of wordplay there. I digress. This episode is dedicated to night terrors. Hey night terrors, thanks for being the most Stephen King-ey sounding sleep disorder. It’s like the very name for the disorder can encourage the disorder itself. Spooky.

Ted: They’re self-perpetuating!

Michael: Stay tuned for outtakes, all you beautiful people, as Ted and I are deeply deeply flawed. And of course we have a new episode coming out next week. You can hear me on Gillian’s podcast The Hamilcast, from time to time. You can find that show on Twitter and Instagram @thehamilcast. And she also has a True Crime podcast called True Crime Obsessed, and you can find them on Twitter @truecrimeobsess (no e-d).

—

“Outtakes”

“Hitmen In Cars Getting Coffee”

Giorgio: I once killed a guy with his own toenail clippings. It was a sad day. Sad day.

Guy: Did you feed it to him?

—

Giorgio: Hey, I’m Sally “The Paintcan Giorgio”

Producer: Just say the…the name of the show.

Giorgio: They’re watchin’ they know the fuckin’ show.

—

Giorgio: Hey this is Sal…this is Sally “The Paintcan Giorgio” and this is fuckin’ “Hitmen In Cars Getting Coffee.” You happy!?

Producer: But that’s not…that’s not the name of the show. It’s not called “Fuckin’ Hitmen In Cars Getting Coffee.” It’s called “Hitmen In Cars Getting Coffee.”

Giorgio: You want a fuckin’ whack?

Producer: Just please, just do it for me. I’ll save you the last sfogliatelle. Just hold on…

—

Gillian: Can you say it now? This is very meta, now, just like…Ted! Say the goddamn line.

Ted: Absolutely. This is Sal…this is Sal…wait.

—

Michael: But everything is so good, I can’t, I don’t even need to hear it again.

Gillian: That “meanTIME.”

Michael: MeanTIME.

Ted: In the meanTIME.

Gillian: I can’t.

Houston: Little Walken’ in there.

Michael: “You hungry, ‘Ton? I can send out for Baja Fresh.”

—

Ted: The kingmaker himself.

Houston: Augus…

Ted (Interrupting) Augustus…

Houston: Is that me…? Am I…?

—

Ted: I love it when lawyers die!

Houston: Oh, it’s the best!

Ted: Did you ever find yourself mentoring…?

*They laugh

Houston: I was with you! I was like “Let’s drop back in.”

—

Houston: Ehh, I never volunteer to do that…or offer any solicited, unsolicited. Ugh. Welcome to…reading.

—

Houston: Yeah, somethin’ so beautiful. And, you remember the smells?

Ted: Oh! So many smells!

Houston: Oh, it’s amazing.

Ted: The smells.

Houston: If I can make money off all the smells that I found after killin’ people, I would do it. There might be a market for that.

Ted: Bottling death smells?

Houston: Yeah. You know what we do? You know what we do? We sell that to these guys that have the stores, and then…

Ted: Yeah! The store guys!

—

Houston: And then, you know what we do? We go and we tell them: give us 10%, or we’ll burn your store down.

Ted: Or, guess what? We’ll kill you and no one will be able to smell it, cause your store already smells like death.

Houston: That’s right.

Ted: Yeah.

Houston: That’s whaddaya call it? Meta?

Ted: That’s meta. We’ve already stocked their store with our alibi.

Houston: That’s right. That’s right. You know, now that we’re talkin’ about it, this might be a bad idea.

Ted: This might be a bad idea.

Houston: I don’t wanna go back to…you know what I’m sayin’.

Ted: Yeah.

—

Houston: I’d like an iced coffee please.

Gillian: Yeah, you got it. I just didn’t like how I said it.

Houston: She’s cute.

Ted: Yeah, she’s cute.

Houston: Yeah she’s real cute.

MPS: I think I saw her over at Scandals by the bridge.

Houston: I recognize that.

Gillian: Well look, this is my day shift. You don’t know what happens at 10 o’clock. Alright let’s turn on the ac.

—

“Emotional Support Booze”

Ted: I think you can do kina New Yorkey. Long Islandey.”Between driving my kids to play practice, soccer practice, and their tutors.”

MPS: Great. Hogwarts.

Ted: It’s the same guy, we just keep recycling.

MPS: Yup.

Ted: Gingers.

Gillian: Same guy. Goes to the theatre, Hogwarts…

MPS: Man about town.

Ted: I mean, for a guy with this many family problems, he’s doing alright getting around town.

MPS: Drunk!

—

MPS: So now he’s New York from the 50’s. He’s Ed Norton. “Ralphie Boy!”

—

“Casa Enemigos”

MPS: I hope the shit tastes like fucking betrayal (maniacal laugh).

—

MPS: (Maniacal laugh)

—

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.