Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

May 20, 2020

Michael: Hey guys, welcome to episode 5 of season 2 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: With him as always, I am Garth…I’m Ted.

Michael: Ted, why don’t you set this first one up?

Ted: So what we have first is a sketch that when it was first written, it was mailed to Gillian…and she wasn’t wild about it at first.

Michael: We mailed it to Gillian?

Ted: Well, emailed. Do we have to say “electronic mail” everytime we mail something, Mike?

Michael: I might’ve just handed her my laptop. We do live next to each other. But either way, that’s the…

Ted: Point is she got the sketch, she wasn’t wild about it. And I think we turned a corner after she read it a few times.

Michael: Have a listen.

—

“Gillian Gets A Gun”

*Ted knocks

MPS: Come in! It’s open!

*Ted enters

MPS: Hey man.

Ted: What’s up pal?

MPS: Not too much. Get settled and let me grab you a drink. We just have to keep it down a little. Gillian is recording some pickups in the other room.

Ted: Cool.

MPS: Oh, and a quick heads up, it’s not like a big deal or anything, but Gillian bought a gun and really likes waving it around and sticking it in people’s faces. So just prepare yourself for that. Wine?

Ted: Oh… um. Yeah I’ll have a glass. That sounds nice… Did you say Gillian bought a gun?

MPS: Yeah, handgun. Real peach of a pistol if you ask me. She loves how people treat her now that she can freely wave around a gun. Haven’t paid for a cab since she got the thing.

GPS: (Off mic) Hey, you guys talking about my gun? Hold on I’ll come in there. (On mic) Here it is Ted, this is my brand new gun.

Ted: Jesus, please don’t point that at me.

GPS: It’s ok, the safety’s on. Plus I have an impeccable firearm safety record. I’m like a really responsible gun owner.

Ted: Still.

MPS: Wine Gillian?

GPS: Na…

Ted: Yeah probably better not to drink while handling a pistol.

GPS: (Interrupting) I’ll have a double Cutty, splash of water.

Ted: Jesus.

GPS: Want to hold it?

Ted: I’m ok. Thank you

GPS: See how clean the barrel is? And I fired it a bunch last night!

Ted: I’m seriously asking. Please don’t point the barrel of the gun directly at my eye.

MPS: You’re supposed to aim for between…between the eyes.

Ted: Even that. I don’t…

Gillian: I’m just showing him the gun. I don’t understand. It’s like…

Ted: I just, I could tell when you pointed it at my face that it’s loaded, and I prefer that you not do that.

Gillian: Alright but here’s a question: what is more useless than an unloaded gun, Ted? Honestly. Are you new here?

Ted: I…

MPS: We’ve got plenty of paper weights.

Ted: I’m new to guns, I guess.

Gillian: Yeah, so am I. And look at me!

MPS: Ted, here’s your wine. Gillian, your scotch. Aaand your black beauties.

Gillian: Thank you.

Ted: Wait, where could you possibly go to fire a gun in new york?

GPS: I go wherever I want. Last night we headed down to the river and I shot a bunch of empty soda cans we took off a bum.

Ted: You robbed a homeless person of the cans he was going to recycle?

GPS: I didn’t say like, “Give me the soda cans, or else.” I was just like, “Hey bro, nice soda cans. Like my gun?” And he dropped his bags and ran. That’s not technically robbery. He could have easily gone about his normal routine. He chose to run. It’s not my fault.

Ted: Wow, I have to say I’m surprised. I never knew you were such a firearm enthusiast.

GPS: Well I wanted to up our game since Mike only carries a blackjack.

Ted: Mike, you carry a blackjack?

MPS: Mmhmm. Keys, wallet, phone, blackjack. Every day.

Ted: How did I not know this?

MPS: Right here in my waistband. Blackjack Bessie’s been good to us, but we feel a lot more comfortable now that Gillian has… Did you land on a name yet sweetheart?

GPS: I’m leaning towards Honest Abe. Because this motherfucker don’t know how to lie. It’s a good name, right. Say it’s a good name, Ted.

Ted: It’s a good name. I would really appreciate it if you could refrain from pointing your gun directly at my face.

GPS: Listen. Baby. I told you the safety is on, so just cool out. What more do you want? Nothing’s going to happen. Me and honest Abe got your back, baby.

Ted: When did you start calling people baby?

GPS: Just something I always wanted to do. Ya dig?

MPS: Something about owning a gun has turned Gillian’s speech pattern into that of a 1950’s beatnik. Is it weird? I kind of like it.

Ted: This is a lot to take in. And I’m no expert, but Gillian, maybe twirling the pistol while sipping from a tumbler of scotch isn’t the best idea.

GPS: Stay in your lane, funny man. Mike you believe this lame-o? Getting all topsy turvy over a dame with a gun? You’re a pip, kid. If you got such a problem with me having a gun why don’t you shake that pancake ass on outta here?

Ted: I don’t know what that means.

GPS: Means you got an ass that looks like a pancake, baby. I mean, does Honest Abe have to tell you, or…

Ted: No no no no no.

GPS: If you don’t like Mamma G with a gun, you can skedaddle. Hit the bricks. Pound some sidewalk. I’m done with people telling me what to do. You got any more advice, you can tell it to my gun.

Mike: You’d better hit the bricks, pally. Twenty three skidoo.

Ted: Huh? Yeah, I mean…for my own safety.

Mike: So long.

Ted: I’m leaving. I’m leaving. Mike, you wanna get the door? I’d feel much more comfortable if my hands remain up this whole time.

Mike: Would you like her to shoot a path for you in the floor?

Gillian: Yeah, like breadcrumbs? You wanna know, like how to get out?

Ted: No.

Mike: She’ll shoot you some bullet-hole breadcrumbs.

Gillian: Same way you came in, pancake ass.

Ted: Now I’m very fearful for your neighbors.

Gillian: Oh, don’t worry about them.

Ted: You pointed the gun in their face?

Gillian: Look, who is this guy? I’m sick of people telling me what to do all the time!

Ted: Alright, alright. I’m out. I’m out. I’m out.

Mike: So long.

Gillian: God! Hey Mike, you wanna go to AC?

Mike: It’s a little late. Wanna go tomorrow? Make a day of it?

Gillian: We’ll take a cab. It’s on me. Well, me and Abe here.

*She racks the pistol again*

Mike: Ok, let’s hit it.

—

Michael: Alright now this next sketch…I know it sounded like the end, but like all good supervillains, Werner’s back in the game, baby!

Ted: You think he’s a villain?

Michael: Yeah. He’s a kidnapper.

Ted: Or is he trying to save humanity?

Michael: By harnessing the power of Steve Zahn?

Ted: Exactly. Like the sun.

Michael: He’s a villain. And he broke out of Arkham Asylum, and he’s back in the game.

Ted: Alright. You see green, I see blue.

Michael: But Steve Zahn’s always a hero.

Ted: Peach of a guy.

—

“Werner Calls Zahn”

*Phone ringing… eventually goes to voicemail

Zahn: Hey you’ve reached Steve Zahn. Please leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. I hope you’re having an awesome day. Thank you for calling. Bye.

Werner: Hello Steve. It’s your good friend Werner Herzog. It’s wonderful to hear your voice again. You’ll be happy to know I’ve released myself from the psychiatric ward where the State of California demand I reside until my trial for what they say are crimes. I did not realize passion was a crime. But I digress. Steve I wanted to inform you that I have found myself in possession of an old painters van, and your wife and two beautiful children. We’ll just have ourselves a little joy ride, not unlike when you thrilled and mystified audiences everywhere in the role of Fuller, in the underappreciated John Dahl mystery thriller “Joy Ride.” Tonight, your family will be staying with me in my backup lair until you can join us for a lovely family dinner. The children refuse to call me uncle Werner just yet. Or maybe they don’t, it’s tough to tell. They’re still passed out. Ok my cherub. You can call me back at this number. It’s my burner. Ta.

—

“Scenes For A Visual Medium: Dress”

V.O: And now we present, scenes exclusively for a visual medium.

Woman: I don’t know. This just isn’t my kind of store.

Man: Well you’ve never been to a gala like this. We have to get you something formal.

Woman: Yeah, but…what if I embarrass you?

Man: Impossible. You’re gonna light that room up. Just you wait.

Woman: But…I’m nervous…

Man: Let’s just try a few things on. If you don’t see anything you like, we’re outta here. But I think you’ll know when you’ve found the right dress.

Woman: Ok.

Man: I promise we won’t settle.

*Montage music

Woman: I like this one.

Man: But what about the back?

Woman: Ooh, you’re right.

*More music

Man: Uh-uh. We can do better.

*More music

Man: Nah.

*More music

Man: Nope.

*More music

Woman: This is my favorite one so far.

Man: I promised you we won’t settle.

*More music

Man: Nah.

*More music

Man: THAT’S IT! THAT’S THE DRESS!

Woman: I love it.

V.O: This has been scenes exclusively for a visual medium.

—

“Hogwarts Canada 2”

O.G: Hey there! Have you had it up to here bein’ the last to know aboot cool goin’s` on in the world? Do you feel like life is passin’ you by one centimeter at a time? Well don’t worry aboot it, ‘bud`. Because Hogwarts is comin’ to Canada, eh. Here’s some testimonials, if you don’t believe me. Soarry if that sounded harsh, there. Soarry aboot that.

Wong: My father always wanted me to go to the University of Manitoba to study Agriculture and Food Sciences. But after he was killed trying to save my mom from a charging moose I knew I had to drop out of university. Then my mom passed three hours later from the injuries my father died trying to prevent. I decided to make a change and enrolled in Hogwarts. Nobody has seen my brother since the moose carried him off on that fateful day. If you see him, just let him know that all the family he has left in the world is a Hufflepuff.

Ted: I love two things in this world. Studying herbology, and Labatts. Oh, and my daughters. I also love my daughters. Not that I see them much since their father moved them to Alberta. Do you guys have a LaBatts?

GPS: Before I found Hogwarts Canada, I had no idea how many famous Canadians were actually wizards and witches, eh! I mean–Drake performed at the Yule Ball last year, Catherine O’Hara subs for Defense Against the Dark Arts sometimes, and Tom Green usually cleans the bathrooms. He’s a Squibb, too. So he’s gotta do it all by hand, there. Such a shame.

Ted: My husband Winston once told me that I had to choose between him and Labatts and I told him “That’s no choice at all.” (Pause) It’s LaBatt’s.

MPS: At my first day of Canadian Hogwarts, a real skyvee prefect convinced me to eat a polar bear turd. But, of course, he apologized later. So all’s well. Thanks Hogwarts.

Ted: Oh, LaBatt’s? I mean Hogwarts? Soary, I’ve got…I just want a LaBatt’s. I don’t know nothin’ aboot Hogwarts. This studio just looked like a place that might well contain a large fridge filled with icy cold LaBatt’s. (Pause) Is it? I’m feelin’ real irritable, here.

I went to Hogwarts
And I got sorted
And I got sorted
And I got sorted
Get sorted
For life
OG: Keeners always welcome! Right? Haha.

—

“Zahn Calls Werner”

*Phone rings for a while

Werner: Hello, this is Werner Herzog speaking. How may I assist you today?

Zahn: Uhhh. Werner, I got your message and I…

Werner: Ahhhh Steve, so wonderful to hear from you.

Zahn: Werner I…

Werner: Your voice is like a children’s choir going door to door singing carols on a snowy Christmas eve.

Zahn: Werner!

Werner: Surrounded by evergreen trees, they lift the spirits of the families they sing for. That is your voice, Steve. It warms the cockles of one’s heart.

*Pause

Zahn: Werner may I speak now?

Werner: Please Steve, never stop speaking. Just as you spoke as Frank Heffly in “Diary of a Wimpy Kid.”

Zahn: Werner please listen. I got your message. And there’s something you really need to hear.

Werner: I hang on your word, best friend.

Zahn: Werner, I’m sitting having lunch with my wife and children right now. Whoever you have in that creepy van is not my family!

Werner: Steve, this is so embarrassing. All one can say at a time like this… is oopsy. I will release these people at once.

Zahn: Yes. That’s the right thing to do. And turn yourself into the police and Tom Hanks.

*Hangup sound

Werner: And then if you will kindly provide me with the name of your children’s school and their schedules? I will correct this mistake sometime this week. And what is your wife’s place of work and usual hours? I’ll get a pen and some paper.

*Pause

Werner: Is this a fake hangup? Steve? Steve? Are you roaming? Damned dropped calls…

—

Michael: Oh baby. Is this the end to Werner? I don’t know. It seems like it.

Ted: I don’t think there is an end to Werner, Mike.

Michael: Ted, I hope you’re right.

Ted: Wherever Werner stops, he begins anew. Anyway, this episode to Yosef Grool, the mean Swiss bobsledder from Cool Runnings. Look, you son of a bitch, those four Jamaicans went through a lot to get to those Olympics. Sure, they may not have all the equipment or training, let alone those icy Swiss winters that you can slip and slide all around for half the fuckin’ year. But 3 of them can run the hundred meter in only 10 seconds, and once they re-discover who they are, oh, you and your boys better just watch out. You’re in for a dick kickin’. Did you ever once consider that someone who doesn’t look like you might just need a goddamn chance?! The Olympics are about celebrating our differences, not tearing people down because of them. I’m glad Yul Brynner knocked you out in the Canadian country music bar! And I hope you learn a valuable lesson.

MPS: Check your privilege, Yosef. It’s a new day.

Michael: Stay tuned for outtakes, all you beautiful people, as Ted and I are deeply deeply flawed. And of course we have a new episode coming out next week. You can hear me on Gillian’s podcast The Hamilcast, from time to time. You can find that show on Twitter and Instagram @thehamilcast. And she also has a True Crime podcast called True Crime Obsessed, and you can find them on Twitter @truecrimeobsess (no e-d).

—

“Outtakes”

“Gillian Has A Gun”

Michael: It’s not emotion this time, it’s just fear.

Ted: It’s just honest fear that Gillian…

Michael: She could pop one off.

Ted: She’s also probably not on her first double Cutty of the day. And I’m sure the black beauties level her out a little bit…

Michael: Yeah.

—

Ted: This is a lot to take in.

Michael: And when I say I kinda like it, you know what it means.

Ted: You mean sexually.

Michael: It turns me on.

Ted: You guys have used the gun in bed before, haven’t you?

Michael: Um…

Gillian: Well, we only got it yesterday. So, yes.

—

“Werner Calls Zahn”

Michael: I forgot for a second that I’m not terrified Steve Zahn when I’m doing his voicemail. He’s upbeat Steve Zahn. Everything’s fine. I’m so not used to that.

Ted: Yeah, he’s had therapy since his kidnapping. He’s back to his old self.

—

“Scenes For A Visual Medium: Dress”

Gillian: You’re in this, right?

Michael: I’m in this. I’m Richard Gere, baby.

Gillian: Great.

Ted: I’m uh…the V.O.

—

*Gratuitous kissing sounds

Ted: Can I bag that up for you folks?

Michael: I’ll wear what she’s wearing.

—

Michael: Can we do it again? I had a frog in my throat the entire time.

—

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.