Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 2, Episode 8 Transcript

June 24, 2020

Michael: Hello hello! Welcome to episode two of season eight of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

Michael: You guys have spent two months with us. This season alone. And that’s pretty awesome. We have a lot to get to, but first…

“Business Ideas”

MPS: Ted I have an idea for a new business that I wanted to run by you.

Ted: Oh?

MPS: What would you say if we could get rich…quickly…with an innovative and slightly deceptive idea?

Ted: That’s called a get rich quick scheme. It’s a staple of every sitcom.

MPS: Well this idea could…

Ted: It’s usually the dumb-guy character that’s always getting involved with them. The Kramers, Homers, Ralph Kramdens.

MPS: Ok, I get that.

Ted: Norton, too. They were both equally dumb, actually. Their wives were the ones with all the sense.

MPS: Ok, I shouldn’t have framed it like that. But this is actually a good idea.

Ted: Lay it on me.

MPS: Ok, thousands of kids come to New York from out of town to go to college every year.

Ted: Yeah.

MPS: And their out-of-town parents worry about security, here in the ‘ol concrete jungle.

Ted: Welcome to it.

MPS: So what if…

Ted: We’ve got fun and games.

MPS: Do you wanna finish the rest of the lyric, or are you good?

Ted: I’m good. Go on.

MPS: So what if we offered our services as sort of…not security per say. But we can be the…cousin who moved to New York years ago who just says, “Hey, let me know if you ever drink too much, you don’t know where you are, you don’t feel safe” that kinda thing.”

Ted: So we’re on call?
MPS: Sure, for a hefty fee! We can guarantee that their kid’s gonna get a rescue from a trustworthy local any time day or night. And when they don’t need us, they’re still paying us to be on call. It’s like a retainer.

Ted: That’s really not bad.

MPS: The only trouble is getting the clients.

Ted: Mike, that’s easy!

MPS: Post some flyers in local colleges?

Ted: No no no! We use the podcast. We already have listeners and everything!

MPS: Cool, and we can have like a more expensive “deluxe package” where if your kid gets into real trouble, like they rack up a bunch of gambling debt with the Russian mob or something. We can’t like muscle the Russian mob, but we can show up with the indebted kid, hat in hand, and try to work out a payment plan, maybe save the kid from getting hurt.

Ted: So like what Matt Damon did in Rounders.

MPS: Right. See, you get me!

Ted: But in the movie, he paid off his friend’s debt by playing against the Russians in high stakes poker, and winning.

MPS: Well we’re not going to do that.

Ted: You sure?

MPS: Yeah. But what we can do…here’s another idea…we can set up a high stakes poker game and funnel the cash profits into legal cash businesses, and maybe just pay a kickback to a local ethnic mob for protection and sanctioning.

Ted: That’s also pretty Rounderesey. Did you…did you just watch Rounders?

MPS: I, uh…

Ted: Thought so.

MPS: Wait, what if we just got really good at poker ourselves, and starting showing up at games, pretending to be a friend-of-a-friend of someone who’s not there, so they let us play, and then…

Ted: Mike.

MPS: Yeah?

Ted: Let’s just, you know, write and record sketches for people to listen to. Ok?

MPS: Ok.

—

“Spud Irons His Pants”

V.O: And now we present Spud from “Trainspotting” ironing his pants after several illegal stimulants.

Spud: One thing I like to dae fir masel each day is to present a sharp appearance. Want to be known once and for all as baith a successful and handsome gadge. Nowt beats a crisp pair of slacks. Gotta get all signs of wear oaffay them, so they look factory-new. Why’s us talkin’ so much out loud, like? I’m only here elaine, ironin’ me keks this afternen. I gotta have a bevie when I’m ironing my pants. Keeps me focused, likesay. Showin’ initiative in that, like. Gotta hawd firmly on both sides of the pant, like.
Smooth! Smooth! That’s what we’re looking for! If there’s a single wrinkle left, yay ken you’ve not done your job. Sometimes they’re stubborn, it’s like a swedge…for crease supremacy. That’s Barry. That’s what we’re gayn fir. Takin’ these pants from vagabond to DiCaprio, like. Gotta be vigilant, likesay. Spray bottle at the ready. Toss the water spots, they’ll be dry soon enough. Mind the creases. Can’t be appearin’ daft as you go about your business. Almost there. Maist would be satisfied with this level of smooth, but those people would be failing to keeoe shoatie for the sub-wrinkles that are bound to become more pronounced later in the day. You sit a little bit, there they go. These are coming along nicely. And then of course, there’s the classic dilemma. Tuh cuff, or nayt tuh cuff. Don’t get it twisted in your heed. Now’s the time to decide! A man’s cuff says a lot about who he is. But who am I? Well I’ve long since sussed that I’m a cuff man. Let’s get ‘em on!

V.O: This has been Spud from Trainspotting ironing his pants after several illegal stimulants.

—

“Baseball Fury Sneaks Out”

Michael: (Clinking bottles together) “Warriors! Come out to playyyyyyy! Warriors! COME OUT TO PLAYYYYY!”

Ted: (Interrupting) If you get that reference, you’re gonna like this next sketch.

Gillian: If not, go see the movie The Warriors.

Ted: What’s that, Geeps?

Gillian: And if not, go see the movie “The Warriors.” But for now we present–a baseball Fury trying to sneak out, late at night.

—

*Floor creaking

Dad: (From upstairs) Hold it! Where are you going?

Fury: (To himself) Shit. (To dad) Hey dad, I’m just…I thought I heard a noise.

Dad: So you’re going outside to check on a noise?

Fury: Yeah.

Dad: And then you’re coming back to bed, I take it?

Fury: Yes, father! Gawwd.

*Sound of dad coming downstairs

Fury: You don’t have to come downstairs, I…goddamn it.

Dad: Do you always go to bed in a baseball uniform?

Fury: I didn’t think you’d understand, ok?

Dad: Understand what?

Fury: I’m in a…night baseball league. That’s all.

Dad: What’s with the face paint?

Fury: It’s part of the uniform.

Dad: Really? What position do you play?

Fury: I, uh…shortstop.

Dad: Can you name a single other position?

Fury: Um…uh… field… fielder..?

Dad: Fielder? Is that so? What’s the league? Does everyone paint their face?

Fury: It’s…you’ve never heard of it. Ok?

Dad: Try me!

Fury: The local…boppers. Is what we’re called.

Dad: Oh…

Fury: Yeah. We have our own radio station.

Dad: Ohhh.

Dad: Doesn’t sound like a real league to me. You know, Mrs. Hopkins spotted you one night with a bunch of your “teammates” roaming around the park. She said hi, and no one said a word. She asked one of them if they had the time, again, not a word. What the hell’s that all about?

Fury: She’s nuts. I never saw her.

Dad: Was she with anyone else?

Fury: No.

Dad: Ah-hah!

Fury: Fuck!

Dad: What a disappointment. In my day, gangs were either ethnic, or businesses, or both! You kids today, you run around like mimes, and your gang has a “theme!” “We’re the baseball gang!” Themes are for interior decorators! If you’re designing the bedroom of a fuckin’ 6 year old, then hey, you’re really onto something!

Fury: How dare you!

Dad: Themes are not for any self-respecting gang of marauding hoodlums! Grow up, you little shit!

Fury: Screw you, dad! Themes are great. They’re good for parties, and…um…you already said interior decorating.

Dad: I can’t believe you came out of your mother before she died.

Fury: We’re tough! Ok? We’re badass! No one messes with the Furies! You might not get it, but that’s your deal. It’s not my problem.

Dad: Furries is more like it! You guys like to play dress up, just like them!

Fury: I hate you!

Dad: Good! Go to your room! We won’t speak of this again!

Fury: Those guys are my friends! They have my back, and they listen! Maybe if you listened once in a while, I wouldn’t have had to turn to them. And maybe if you played catch with me when I was little, I’d know more than one position on a baseball team!

Dad: Leave your hat and cleats! Cleats! Ha! Hell of a gang! Everyone can hear you coming! And if you’re running on pavement it’s bad for your shins! These are going in the fireplace! Things are gonna start changing around here! You’d better start cutting school, mister! Your grades had better start plummeting, and I MEAN PLUMMETING! And I’m getting you a job at the cabstand across the street! Those I-ties will show you what a real criminal enterprise looks like. I’d better find some of my nudie magazines missing! And tomorrow afternoon, you and I are going to Belmont to bet on the ponies, and we’re splitting a bottle of cheap bourbon and a carton of smokes!

Fury: (From upstairs) You’re sick!

Dad: You wanna start now!? The car’s all gassed up, we can be at Foxwoods in 2 hours!

Fury: No.

Dad: No, what?

Fury: No sir.

Dad: That’s better. Little shit.

V.O: This has been a baseball Fury trying to sneak out, late at night.

—

Michael: That’s the second “Warriors” reference that we’ve had this season. The first one was in “Irish Cop.”

Ted: And I’m not even saying it’s the last. Stay tuned, gang. Because you might get an earful of more “Warriors” references.

Michael: I see what you did there. Stay tuned “gang…”

Ted: Yeah “gang.”
Michael: Mmhmm.

Ted: I coulda said “Fuckers.” But I didn’t. Cause I’m tryin’ to class up this joint.

Michael: I appreciate it.

Ted: No problem.

Michael: Would you like a martini?

Ted: Another? Sure.

Michael: Alright, I’ll…

Ted: Mike, I’ll make the martinis. Gillian, can you intro this next sketch?

—

“Emperor Orders Lunch”

V.O: And now we present: Emperor Palpatine ordering lunch at a Mexican restaurant.

Sara: Hi, welcome to Wacko Taco, where all our tacos are super wacko. My name is Sara. I’ll be your server today. This is Paul, he’s my trainee and he’ll be shadowing me today.

Paul: Hi. Paul.

Palpatine: I see that you have a new apprentice. Teach him the ways of your discipline.

Sara: Mmhmm. What can I start you off with, sir?

Palpatine: I’d like the starter empanadas. But I need more flavor. Give me guacamole on the side.

Sara: Would you…

Paul: Good choice. Sorry.

Sara: Would you like that mild, medium, hot, extra hot, caliente?

Palpatine: Caliente.

Sara: And do you know what you might like for your main?

Palpatine: Carne asada!

Server: And to drink?

Palpatine: I’d like a salt rimmed margarita and an ice water.

Sara: (For Paul’s benefit) Paul should have brought you your water by now. Apparently he needs to be constantly reminded of things. Like I said, he’s new.

Paul: Oh! So sorry. I’ll be right back.

*Paul scurries off

Palpatine: You must bring him before me.

Sara: Well, he will be back momentarily.

Palpatine: Mmmmmm…yes.

Sara: What’s that now?

Palpatine: I can feel your anger.

Sara: I’m actually fine.

*Paul returns

Paul: Ok, here you go. Sorry about that. Were you guys talkin’ about me?

Palpatine: Paul, listen to Sara in all matters. And tuck in your shirt. You look like you crawled out of bed without a sense of purpose!

Paul: Sorry. It’s just…I’ve got this little muffin top that I’m workin’ on. I’m a little self-conscious…

Sara: Shut up, Paul!

Paul: Sorry Sara.

Sara: Would you like anything else, or should I get these going for you?

Palpatine: Are there specials? I heard nothing of specials.

Sara: You’re mistaken, sir. I read you the specials.

Palpatine: You will find it is you who is mistaken about a great many things!

Sara: Would you like to speak to a manager?

Palpatine: Go ahead. Strike me down with all your hatred and your journey to the bread line will be complete!

Sara: Ohhhh boy.

V.O: This has been Emperor Palpatine ordering lunch at a Mexican restaurant.

—

“Hannity Clippers”

V.O: Has this ever happened to you? You’re sitting for a haircut in your local barber shop, enjoying the music, the conversation, the rhythmic and satisfying “shuck” of the scissors? And then the dreaded question…

Barber: So…3…or 4, you think? How short are we goin’?

V.O: Your barber asks you what numbered extension you’d prefer, because he’s taking out those awful clippers. Your normal, everyday experience is being harshly interrupted by the inane, insufferable, grating, even potentially dangerous prattle of a pair of electric clippers. As your barber peels your ear back to get the clippers as close to your head as possible, it takes over your whole world, and you’re forced to ask yourself questions like, “How can so very few advancements have been made in this technology? Did they wind this thing with a crank? How can something be so antiquated, offensive, distracting, and downright terrifying?” Well, we here at Tyburn Industries have asked those questions ourselves, and we’ve come up with the perfect solution. Introducing—Hannity Clippers! Our technicians have managed to replace the putrid, disgusting, ignorant, diuretic utterances of your barber’s electric clippers with the sounds of… Sean Hannity.

*Hannity ramblings in place of the clipper sounds

V.O: (Cont) listen to some satisfied customers.

Person 1: I’m so glad that the undignified, opportunistic, ass-kissey, intellectually un-curious, bullying, toadying, greedy, full of shittedness of those old electric clippers have been replaced by…Sean Hannity.

*More Hannity ramblings

Person 2: I always found that the sounds of my barber’s electric clippers were just disgraceful. It was like listening to my Aunt Jolene and Uncle Thurston’s racist ramblings every Thanksgiving. So I couldn’t be happier that that pathetic noise has been replaced with the sounds of…Sean Hannity.

*More Hannity ramblings

Person 3: Oh, man. Those old electric clippers just had me at 6’s and 7’s every month! I even considered growing dreadlocks just to avoid them. It’s like–what I imagine a Klan rally sounds like–just…everything that’s wrong with America, and the world. I mean…why are they still so popular!? But thanks to the innovative folks at Tyburn Industries, I’m so glad that this unhealthy noise, with no redeeming qualities what-so-fucking-ever, has been replaced by…Sean Hannity.

*More Hannity ramblings

Barber: So…3…or 4, you think? How short we goin’?

V.O: Let’s start with a 4 and take it from there…I’ve got nothin’ but time.

Barber: You got it.

V.O: It’s the Hannity Clippers! The latest thing from Tyburn Industries. Order now. And coming soon, Hannity bagpipes!

*More Hannity ramblings

—

Michael: I think that was our first targeted rage sketch…arguably.

Ted: Mmhmm.

Michael: You can call this a statement sketch. We’ve made fun of some people we dislike, but that one’s up there.

Ted: I don’t wanna offend anyone. But I hate Sean Hannity. Is that too on the nose Mike?

Michael: No, I think we made that clear.

Ted: Ok.

Michael: So it’s worth re-stating. Anyway, this episode is dedicated to Sonny Rollins. Living jazz legend, saxophone colossus, and proud owner of the coolest name I have ever seen or heard in my entire life. Sonny Rollins. Say it, Ted.

Ted: Sonny Rollins.

Michael: Yes indeed.

Ted: It’s your “Galileo Five.”

Michael: Exactly. You said it right.

Ted: Sonny Rollins.

Michael: Mmmm. Yeah.

Michael: Stay tuned for outtakes, all you beautiful people, as Ted and I are deeply deeply flawed. And of course we have a new episode coming out next week. You can hear me on Gillian’s podcast The Hamilcast, from time to time. You can find that show on Twitter and Instagram @thehamilcast. And she also has a True Crime podcast called True Crime Obsessed, and you can find them on Twitter @truecrimeobsess (no e-d). If you wander around Astoria Queens, you can find Ted!

—

“Outtakes”

“Baseball Fury Sneaks Out”

Ted: I tried to play catch with you when you were a kid, and all you did was catch that ball with your face. And your mother told me to stop because your hand-eye coordination wasn’t “developed” enough. And after 60 or 90 fastballs right to the face, you started crying. And your mom made me put a steak on your eye.

MPS: That’s a movie called “The Sandlot” and it’s not gonna come out for another 14 years.

—

Ted: Even at 55 and a smoker, you were five, six years old, and I just really rung your bell.

MPS: So a baseball themed injury is what led me to be in a baseball-themed gang?

Ted: I mean maybe, but…

MPS: That’s really ironic.

Ted: I’m gonna still blame you.

—

Ted: I just think it’s ridiculous that they have bats and they get the shit kicked out of them by guys…in leather vests.
MPS: And they really do. They’re standing around.

Ted: Yeah, just holding the bats.

MPS: As the guy from “Sex and the City” hands them their ass.

—

MPS: Uh, thrower…

Ted: Thrower. Hmm. Thrower.

MPS: And there’s the, um…the long run.

Ted: And you’ve got the batsman as well, right?

MPS: The long run is next to the shortstop.

Ted: Mmm. Is it?

MPS: Yeah. So. Show’s what you know.

—

MPS: Do it like Brad Garrett.

Gillian: Were you guys just talkin’ about me?

—
MPS: We have lots of girls that follow us around. They’re called The Girlie Furies. For your information.

Ted: What, do they dress like “A League of Their Own”?

MPS: How did you know?

Ted: Cause it was the logical conclusion.

—

Ted: I heard about what happened in the park! You were chasing about five guys, and you had baseball bats, and they disarmed you? What the hell kind of a gang is that? You got the shit kicked out of you, and you had baseball bats!

MPS: We stood around him menacingly! For your information. Dad.

Ted: Menacingly? Did they win? Or did you win? Who left with the bats?

MPS: He said this really cool line and it sort of distracted us.

Ted: What was the line?

MPS: He said, “I’m gonna shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle.”

Ted: It’s a great line.

MPS: Thank you!

Ted: But still-you have a bat, and they have nothing. From what I heard, you didn’t even get one headshot in with those bats.

MPS: There were like twelve of us.

Ted: That’s…son, that’s pathetic.

—

“Emperor Orders Lunch”

Ted: That will be all. You’ve done well, your waiter.

—

Ted: I see that you have a new apprentice. Teach him the ways of your…(coughs).

MPS: You ok, sir?

Hallie: You ok?

Ted: It’s tough to keep the Emperor voice going for too long.

—

Hallie: He is new and he keeps forgetting what he should be doing.

MPS: I’m so sorry.

Ted: This apprentice has a head full of pissssssss.

Hallie: I was gonna say the same thing.

Ted: Silence, Sarah! I judge by myself. Not as a committee.

—

Hallie: Sorry, sir. I…

Ted: I wish to see you thrown into the Sarlacc.

Hallie: Do you want me to get the manager? Is that what that means?

—

Ted: It sounds like a dish.

MPS: A delicious dish.

Ted: Like, “I don’t know what I want. But I hear you guys make a good Sonny Rollins.” Or a cocktail. Like and could just go somewhere and say, “I don’t know if I want a martini, an old fashioned…I’ll just take a Sonny Rollins.

MPS: Yeah. Can we get a tequila sunrise, a Sonny Rollins, and a gin fizz.

Ted: Yeah. Exactly.

MPS: Love it.
Gillian: And a Tom Collins.

MPS: And a Tom Collins. Thank you, Geeps. Dynamite drop-in.

—

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.