Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

July 8, 2020

Michael: Hello everyone Welcome to “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

Michael: And this is a sketch that, like many others, began with me saying to Ted, “Hey Ted, you know what would make an unforgivably movie? This.”

Ted: It’s true. It’s true. Yeah, a lot of our sketches have started that way. And oh a lot of our fights have ended that way.

—

“Legally Blonde 3: Part 1”

V.O. You’ve seen her graduate Harvard, and argue in front of the supreme court, while never straying too far from her sorority roots. Now she’s discovered her true passion: being prejudiced towards people who aren’t like her! Elle Woods is taking white privilege, and making it “legal.”

Elle: Well the collision happened at the corner of 5th and Broad. That’s the Little Italy section of town. Isn’t it possible that the defendant’s car slipped on a skid of olive oil that dripped out of some local dago’s hair onto the street?

Judge: Mr. Graziano approach the bench and let me feel your hair for oil.

V.O. She’s putting it all on the line, right as she’s crossing it.

Elle: How do we know Mr. Flanagan is telling the truth? He could have sold his testimony to whoever was willing to pay him the most potatoes…or whiskey.

V.O. She’s willing to tackle the tough cases…

Elle: Let’s just say, I’ll bet you “approved” of the OJ verdict, Mr. Williams.

V.O. And she doesn’t mind making herself perfectly understood.

Elle: Your honor, we can all surmise that Mr. Epstein counted the change twice. I mean that’s what they do. I went to law school. I think I’d know.

Judge: Excuse me? What do you mean by that comment counselor? Who are “they”?

Elle: Ahhh, yes I wasn’t very clear, your honor. Let me clarify so there is no ambiguity and no insult. The Jews, Sir.

V.O. This is an entree of law… with a side of freedom fries.

Elle: I’m a white upper class lawyer from Southern California, I’ve been to Monaco. I know a Frenchman’s lies when I hear them. This cheese-eating surrender monkey wasn’t there on the night in question. He was probably at his chateau watching something with Gerard Depardu. In the original French. Disgusting.

Other Lawyer: Your honor, Ms. Woods can’t base this whole case on her dislike of a person’s ethnic background. It’s not only not just, it’s patently un-American!

Elle: You’re wrong. It’s the most American I’ve ever felt. And I’ll prove it in court!

V.O: Lady justice may be blind, but Elle Woods sees all colors! “Legally Blonde 3: Prejudiciary.” This fall in theatres everywhere.

—

“Connery Reads Madea”

V.O: And now we present: Sean Connery sitting in Central Park, reading from the Wikipedia page of Tyler Perry’s “Boo 2: A Madea Halloween.”

Connery: After school on Tiffany’s 18th birthday, she and her friend Gabriella encounter Tiffany’s dad Brian. Brian’s ex-wife Debrah, arrives with her new husband Calvin and they surprise Tiffany with the car she wanted. She and Gabriella drive it recklessly to the frat house from the first film, where they hear that Jonathan and the others are having a Halloween party at Lake Derrick. She hopes to make it up to them for ruining the previous year’s party.
As I sit in this park, I have to take note of the man selling soft pretzels. And the pigeon that’s going to town on someone’s leftover hot dog which they discarded on the floor.
Tiffany rounds up Gabriella, Leah, and Anna and they arrive at Lake Derrick. The frat boys meet up and have fun with the girls until some of them disappear after seeing “Derrick”, his brother, and his daughters.
I gather that “Derrick” is both the name of a character, and the lake.
Madea overhears Tiffany’s conversation about the party, and gets her friends to go with her to Lake Derrick, to get Tiffany. On the way, Madea accidentally hits one of “Derrick’s” daughters with her car when she mysteriously appears on the road. Madea, Bam, and Hattie check on the girl, who pulls her hair and shows her scarred-up face to everybody. The ladies run back to the car, but the girl appears on top of the car, and Joe immediately drives away.
At this point I’m confused about Tyler Perry’s narrative, having never seen the film, and only reading the Wikipedia article..
Back at Lake Derrick, Tiffany, Gabriella, Leah, and the remaining frat boys are at the campfire discussing the murders that happened in the area. They soon realize that people from the party are missing, so Horse and Leah agree to go look for them. But they actually want to get away to have sex. “Derrick” and his family chase them into the woods, with Horse getting caught and presumably killed. Leah runs out of the forest and sees Madea and the gang, deciding to wait with them until Bam sees a “grim reaper” figure standing in the middle of the road. Though Madea initially thinks it’s a prank, the figure follows her and slashes one of the Cadillac’s tires, but Joe continues to drive it anyway.
In another tent, Tiffany hooks up with Jonathan until “Derrick” tears down the tent. Madea’s group finally arrives at Lake Derrick, but Derrick’s daughters arrive to cause havoc at the now abandoned camp.
At the police station, Debrah and Calvin desperately ask the sheriff to check for Tiffany at Lake Derrick but Brian says he will go look for her with Gabriella’s dad. Madea’s car stops in front of an old broken-down house, where the little girl scares everyone out of the house again. Brian and Victor are waiting for them, where they had been pranking them for lying and sneaking out. Debrah agrees, and the people who were “killed” are safely at the police station.
However the masked chainsaw killer at the outhouse was not part of the prank; he is the actual Derrick. When Brian and Victor realize this, they drive away from the camp. Joe asks Derrick if he can help him kill Madea and he nods in response.
I’ve read this entire article, and can tell you confidently that I have no clue what the subject matter of this movie is. I can tell you that its budget was 25 million dollars, and its box office was 48.3. Its critical reception is 5% on rotten tomatoes based on 21 reviews, with an average rating of 2.6 out of 10.
There’s two elderly men playing chess quite aggressively and shouting at the table next to me. I think neither one of them has installed their hearing aids.
V.O: This has been Sean Connery sitting in Central Park, reading from the Wikipedia page of Tyler Perry’s “Boo 2: A Madea Halloween.”
—

“Legally Blonde 3: Part 2”

V.O: This fall, Elle Woods is back. She sees the world very differently, and she doesn’t have time to mince words.

Elle: Well maybe all the mercury in the raw tuna you ingest clouded your judgement, Mr. Watanabi. Sayonara, swindler!

Judge: Answer the question, Mr. Watanabi. How much high-mercury sushi do you consume on a daily basis?

V.O: She’s taking on the fatcats…

Elle: Your Honor, let’s be honest. My client doesn’t have the mental capacity to pull off a ponzi scheme of such magnitude. He’s Polish on both sides of his family. I move for a mistrial!

Judge: This court will take a ten minute recess so that we all might digest the information we’ve just heard.

V.O: And the average joes…

Elle: I’m not saying he was driving recklessly, your honor. I’m just certain that he was…well, sleepy. Or should I say, “Cansado.” Probably from waiting around all day in a Home Depot parking lot.

Judge: Does the witness have any experience building porticos? I may have a job for him in 12-18 months.

V.O: No piece of evidence will go undetected…

Elle: Your honor, Mr. Wagner is MUCH too organized to have so conveniently lost his company’s ledger. Looks like he “invaded” his own file cabinet.

Judge: Your people never seem to get the message, do they, Mr. Wagner?

Elle: They really don’t, your honor. It’s too bad for him that in court there’s only winners, and…lugers.

Judge: Very funny, council. Very funny.

Elle: Thank you, your honor.

Judge: And thank you for the cupcake.

V.O: And no witness will go unexamined…

Elle: You’re ‘Putin’ me on, Mr. Ivanov. The only thing transparent, besides your skin tone, is your lack of transparency. I’ll bet if I offered you a cold shot of Stoli, you’d be willing to tell the truth.

Judge: And trust me, you wouldn’t ‘Bore-us’ with any details.

Elle: Really good.

Judge: Thank you.

V.O: Elle Woods is here to party like it’s 1899. “Legally Blonde 3: Prejudiciary.” Coming this fall to theatres everywhere.

—

“Celebrity Smash Brothers 5”

V.O: And now we present: Ted and Michael unlocking hidden celebrity characters in the video game Smash Brothers-already in progress.

Game voice: Challengers approach!

Jason Bateman: Jason Bateman, so…yeah.

MPS: Oh, fantastic!

Ted: Oh. This is gonna be interesting.

Jason Bateman: Uh, come on guys. Uh…bring it on there. Ok?

MPS: What a peaceful guy. I’m not really worried about him.

Game voice: 3…2…1…Go!

Jason Bateman: Hey, hey, hey, well…um…

MPS: Did he just jump and calmly say, “Well, um…”

Ted: Yeah.

MPS: He never seems out of breath, he must be in really good shape.

Jason Bateman: Hey chief, I’m uh, I’m beatin’ ya pretty bad. But whaddaya say we call it a day and uh, you pack it in there, pal? Ok?

MPS: Listen to him. He’s trying to talk us down already.

Ted: I’m gonna put a leg drop on him.

MPS: Ooh! Do it!

Ted: Yup.

MPS: Yup. The Yoshi leg drop.

Ted: The Yoshi leg drop. Hey guess what. That’s my Hogan family.

Jason Bateman: Hey uh guy, uh could you show uh, could you show some mercy you’re killin’ me here. Ok?
MPS: He always has trouble finding the words. Like he’s always sort of stammering a little bit. It humanizes him.

Ted: Yeah always intellectually disheveled, I’d say.

MPS: Yeah, makes me feel like I’m, uh…he’s one of us.

Ted: You just had trouble finding that sentence.

MPS: I just did it. Exactly.

Ted: You did it. You did the same thing. He’s really not putting up much of a fight. This is easy.

Jason Bateman: Hey uh chief, hey bud. You got me pretty bad there.

Ted: Watch this. I’ll put the controller down. Look at him.

Jason Bateman: Well, uh, hey.

Ted: He’s just being Jason Bateman.

MPS: Yeah.

Ted: Normally, if I was playing he’d be punching me right now. He’s just rubbing his temples.

Jason Bateman: Ok…

MPS: And his kick just makes him sound like he’s confused…like “Why am I doing this?”

Ted: Yeah. I’m gonna put him out of his misery. Let me just get this over with.

MPS: You know what you do? Just walk over to the edge, then eat him, and when Yoshi poops out the egg, the egg will go over the edge.

Game voice: Game!

Jason Bateman: We’re not, um, we’re not doin’ too well. Ok? Here?
Ted: That was easy. That was maybe the easiest fight in all of Smash Brothers.

MPS: Easier than Cristoph Waltz.

Ted: Yeah.

Jason Bateman: Well congratulations guys you’ve unlocked…um…Jason Bateman so…fine.

Ted: Alright, who we got next here?

Game voice: Challengers approach!

Bill Clinton: Bill Clinton!

Ted: Jeeze man, they got a deep bench. This is weird.

Bill Clinton: Bring it on!

Game voice: 3…2…1…Go!

Ted: The era of big government is over.

Bill Clinton: Shit yeah! I haven’t felt this good since my appearance on the Arsenio Hall Show!

Ted: Oh I gotta watch out for the saxophone. I gotta watch out for the saxophone. When he puts on his sunglasses, that’s when you know the saxophone is coming out.

MPS: And I think fire comes out of it when he plays it. Just like life.

Ted: Do you think I can serve him impeachment papers?

Bill Clinton: Hey man.

MPS: Yeah, see if there’s one in the crate.

Ted: Alright.

MPS: Yeah yeah. Swing it like a razorblade.

Ted: I don’t have impeachment papers, but sir you are being censured!

MPS: “Wee.” He jumps and says, “Wee.”

Ted: I don’t get it. He’s so happy.

MPS: Be careful. He might summon Arsenio.

Ted: Alright. Lemme just get him close to the edge, here.

Bill Clinton: You are kicking my keyster like a Gingrich-led Congress.

MPS: Well, he’s not gonna summon Gingrich. If anything, you could summon Gingrich cause Gingrich would probably be on your side.

Ted: Well that’s why I tried to give him the censure cause I thought Gingrich would come out behind me.

MPS: Yes. With the contract for the American people.

Ted: Yeah.

MPS: So now that he’s really weak, he’s gonna try to charm you, and he’s gonna try and weasel his way out of this. So just don’t let him.

Bill Clinton: Now you gotta listen to this…

MPS: There’s the saxophone! Now try to use it against him before the fire comes out.

Ted: Alright. Alright. Lemme turn it.

MPS: Use it against him.

Ted: Lemme turn it.

MPS: Swing it.

Ted: There we go!

MPS: That is what I am talking about.

Game voice: Game!

Ted: You are done, sir!

MPS: Sit your problematic ass down, Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: I just wanna congratulate you. You’ve unlocked number 42 himself. The one and only Billy Jeff. That’s Bill Clinton to you.

MPS: This one’s for Monica. I bet she wishes she coulda done that.

Game voice: Challengers approach!

MPS: I can’t believe this is a thing. But I can tell by the music again.

Ted: Is that…?

Steve: Miranda’s boyfriend Steve from “Sex and the City.”

MPS: I feel like Aiden would be a tougher fight.

Ted: Well yeah, I feel like this guy’s just gonna roll over.

Game voice: 3…2…1…Go!

Steve: Come on. I gotta get home. It’s my night with Brady.

MPS: Was their kid’s name really Brady?

Ted: Actually his name was Brady Brady. And Mike-I’m ashamed that I know that.

MPS: I’m sure they had to justify it in the writer’s room somehow.

Ted: I guess. I think that show was just run on Sarah Jessica Parker’s whims.

MPS: So stay low. I know he’s already short. But stay low, and keep sweeping the leg and just keep rolling.

Ted: Well I’m gonna aim for his beanbag.

MPS: Yeah. And roll into him. Do somersaults into him.

Steve: Hey, I got testicular cancer. What? Everyone has it!

Ted: And he’s telling me he has testicular cancer!

Steve: Ha, I’m winning. Kinda feels like makin’ a shot from halfcourt.

Ted: Oh, Steve.

MPS: So sweet, though. Sounds like a muppet.

Ted: And he’s likeable. I don’t wanna kick his ass, but…that’s why I’m here. I have to.

Steve: Miranda, what’s going on with my ma?

Ted: Oh, God. Why does this feel so bad, Mike? Look at him. His glasses just fell off.

Steve: Hey.

Ted: His pants are falling down.

MPS: He’s gonna throw the basketball at you. Be careful.

Steve: That’s right. Sit down.

MPS: See? He hit you with the basketball. Be careful. You gotta jump over it!

Ted: Yeah, but then it bounced back and hit him in the face, like he can’t even hurt me. This is embarrassing.

MPS: Well it’s gonna be more embarrassing if you lose. So focus.

Ted: Alright, alright.
Steve: Miranda, what’s going on with my ma?

MPS: He keeps talking to Miranda. Where is she?

Ted: I don’t know. I’m more worried about fighting Miranda than fighting Steve.

Steve: Hey.

MPS: She might be hiding in one of the crates.

Ted: I think I’m gonna slap Steve in the face.

Steve: Hey.

Game voice: Game!

Steve: Alright, I lost. It’s no big deal.

Ted: God, that was awful Mike. I need a shower.

Steve: Congratulations. You’ve unlocked Miranda’s boyfriend Steve from “Sex and the City.”

Ted: Yeah, Steve. I’m sorry buddy.

V.O: This has been Ted and Michael unlocking hidden celebrity characters in the video game Smash Brothers.

—

Gillian: I’d like to dedicate this episode to duct tape. Without duct tape Ted and Mike would still be babbling into microphones. You’re welcome, audience. So I’m gonna say thank you for listening to this episode because they can’t talk anymore. The episode that I helped edit, and the outtakes that I also helped edit. And if I feel like it, maybe there will be another episode next week. I don’t know. Let’s see what happens, ok fellas?

Ted and MPS: Mmhmm.

—

“Outtakes”

-Connery Reads Madea-

Ted: Waiting for the siren. And I don’t mean Gillian.

—

Ted: The soundtrack is headed by Brian McKnight’s “Find Myself In You.” A song which has allowed me to find myself in me. Sean Connery.

—

Ted: Maya Angelou never took my suggestion that she should wrote…

—

Ted: …that she should write a compilation of poetry called “YOU’RE an Angelou.”

—

Ted: Where she hears that Jonathen and others are having a party at Lake Derrick. She hopes that…

MPS: You couldn’t have picked a better Scottish word than Lake Derrick.

—

-Celebrity Smash Brothers 5-

Ted: Oh, Steve.

MPS: He was basically the same character in “Justified.”

Ted: Yeah, but at least then, he had a little bit more street cred.

MPS: Yeah, he was a bookie. Little bit of a scofflaw.

—
Bill Clinton: You know, I was heart-attacked into veganism.

—

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.