Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 3, Episode 3 Transcript

February 4, 2022

MPS: Hello hello, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: Hey man, I thought I’d spice things up for myself this season.

Ted: How’s that?

MPS: I have a few catch phrases that I’d like to try out, if that’s ok.

Ted: So you want your own “Dynomite”, your own “Did I do that?” your own “Hello Newman”?

MPS: Yes. Exactly. I think I’ve earned it, quite frankly.

Ted: Ok. Do you have some options?

MPS: Yeah, here’s a few of my faves. Say something that sounds like a punchline.

Ted: So…that’s when I saw my first cactus.

MPS: (Fake laughing) “The shine still isn’t off these Diamond Gals!”

Ted: (Interrupting) Too long.

MPS: Ok. Throw me another one.

Ted: And the cheesecake…had a graham cracker crust.

MPS: (Fake laughing) “Keep your mitts to yourself!”

Ted: (Under his breath) Doesn’t…really apply.

MPS: Keep ‘em comin’.

Ted: I couldn’t tell if it was a real candle…or a tealight.

MPS: (Fake laughing): “Yow!”

Ted: And I said cup your hands and we’ll see if you’re right! And the boys just let ‘em rip!

MPS: (Fake laughing) “Enough concentrated oomph for a whole carload of Hollywood Starlets”

Ted: Can I stop you there?

MPS: One more.

Ted: (Sighs) And the tablecloth was right where I left it.

MPS: (Fake laughing) “What a hitter!”

Ted: Mike those are all just lines from the newsreel in “A League of Their Own.”

MPS: Is that…No good?

Ted: No. No.

MPS: Damn. I thought plagiarism was ok if it was…

Ted: If it was audio, but we’ve talked about this. And even if it’s audio, you can’t do that.

MPS: Ohhhh. I thought we were exempt.

Ted: No. It’s not just films and TV.

—

—Celebrity Smash Bros. 6—

V.O: And now we present, Ted and Michael unlocking more hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers, already in progress.

MPS: Oh man, I wonder who’s left.

Ted: I feel invincible, man. Once you knock the spaetzle out of Kristoff Waltz, anything is possible.

*Game V.O: Challengers approach!

Ringo: I’m Ringo Star

Ted: Oh man.

MPS: I knew this day would come. He popped up once to fight alongside Paul McCartney, then disappeared.

Ted: Like a real cartoon villain, this guy. Just toying with us.

Ringo: Hi I’m Ringo.

Ted: Yeah, Ringo. You just said that.

MPS: Like that voice could be anyone else.

Ringo: I can take you. I was 25 before I had salmon that didn’t come in a tin.

MPS: I wish I could give you advice, Ted. But this is deeper into the game then I’ve ever been.

Ted: Guess we’re gonna be flyin’ blind together, pally.

MPS: I’m focused, man. I’m your Chewbacca. Your co-pilot. Pushin’ buttons, pullin’ levers, makin’ sounds. You know?

*MPS makes Chewbacca sounds.

MPS: How’s that? Pretty good?

Ted: (Interrupting) Hey Mike, Mike, this is me pushing the “I get it” button.

Ringo: I bested Pete Best. And now I’ll best you.

MPS and Ted: Awwwww.

Ted: Poor guy.

MPS: Who, Ringo?

Ted: No. Not Ringo. Pete Best.

MPS: Oh.

Ringo: I’m 80, I’m beautiful, and I’m winning!
Ted: I…seem to be able to jump-kick him in the face when he takes his round sunglasses off.

MPS: Oooh, good observation. It’s really fast, though. That’s probably why.

Ted: I know. But I’ve almost got the timing, I think.

Ringo: I’m winning. You can’t see it, but I’m making the “peace” sign.

MPS: Why couldn’t we see him…making the…? We’re looking right at him.

Ted: Well he’s wearing a cloak.

MPS: Oh. I see.

Ringo: Fire is beautiful.

MPS: He did this when Paul McCartney summoned him! Remember?

Ted: Oh I remember.

MPS: Well then cover up!

Ted: Shit.

MPS: He produces the fire.

Ted and MPS: From beneath the cloak.

MPS: Of course.

Ted: Yup.

Ringo: I’m winning! And not just here. I’m one of two Beatles left!

Ringo: Oh fuck.

MPS: Now you’re getting it!

Ted: Yeah, he tips that he’s gonna take the sunglasses off by lifting his leg just a little… Ha!

Ringo: You got by with a little help from your friends.

*Game V.O: Game!

*Ted and MPS: Yeah! Nice job, etc.

Ringo: Congrats. You’ve unlocked All Star bandleader Ringo Star! Don’t forget to get tickets to see us on October 22nd and 23rd at the Jones Beach Ampitheatre on Long Island, New York.

MPS: Oh. Look at that. You wanna go?

Ted: No.

MPS: Oh.

Ringo: See you next time, on Super Smash Brothers.

*Game V.O: Challengers approach!

Ted: (Singing) Who could it be nowwww?

*MPS hum/sings the corresponding saxophone part.

John Mulaney: Oh, hello. I’m John Mulaney.

Ted: Well I’ll be.

MPS: This guy is awfully “hip” for Nintendo, isn’t he?

Ted: Well, you know, they also had Steve from “Sex and the City.”

MPS: Oh, that’s true.

Mulaney: Most of my weight is carried in my suit!

Ted: Wouldn’t that make him less intimidating?

MPS: Yeah, it’s like he’s trying to talk you out of fighting him.

Ted: Well that’s not gonna happen.

MPS: Nope.

Mulaney: What a kerfuffle! No! I can’t be losing! No!

Ted: That’s one way of putting it. Another way would be that I’m kicking your ass.

Mulaney: I’m losing! Probably because I look like a boy!

Ted: (After “I’m losing”) You sure are, Mulaney. You sure are.

MPS: Don’t get too over-confident.

*Game explosion

MPS: See?

Ted: You wanna do this?

MPS: No, I like watching.

Ted: Ok then.

*Game explosion

Ted: Where does he get those exploding amps?

MPS: You gotta knock him over the cliff. That’s the key, I think.

Ted: But Yoshi doesn’t push!

MPS: I know. Try an egg throw when he’s close to the edge. Now!

*Ted/Yoshi does so. Mulaney falls over a cliff.

Mulaney: Oh, I didn’t see this comiiiiiing!

*Game V.O: Game!

MPS and Ted: Well done, sir! Nice! Etc.

Ted: On to the next chapter, Mr. Mulaney you have been retired.

Mulaney: Well, color me defeated! I guess I’ll just crawl right back into Nick Kroll’s pocket.

MPS: Wow. That’s honest.

Mulaney: Well, good for you. You’ve unlocked John Mulaney. That’s my time. Thank you, Chuckle Hut in Tempe, Arizona.

Ted: There’s no comeback for this!

*Yoshi sound

*Long pause.

Ted: That sounded more badass in my head.

MPS: I figured.

V.O: This has been Ted and Michael unlocking more hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.

—-

—Gillian Has A Gun 2—

V.O: Last season on “Ted and Michael…”

MPS: Oh, and a quick heads up, it’s not like a big deal or anything, but Gillian bought a gun and really likes waving it around and sticking it in people’s faces. So just prepare yourself for that. Wine?

—

GPS: Want to hold it?

Ted: I’m ok. Thank you

GPS: See how clean the barrel is? And I fired it a bunch last night!

—

Ted: I would really appreciate it if you could refrain from pointing your gun directly at my face.

GPS: Listen. Baby. I told you the safety is on, so just cool out. What more do you want? Nothing’s going to happen. Me and honest Abe got your back, baby.

Ted: When did you start calling people baby?

GPS: Just something I always wanted to do. Ya dig?

MPS: Something about owning a gun has turned Gillian’s speech pattern into that of a 1950’s beatnik. Is it weird? I kind of like it.

—

*Ted enters and closes the door as he begins.

Ted: Hey guys.

GPS: Hey bud, I’d be a little careful just walking into someone’s apartment. I don’t want you to get shot right between the eyes. Not that the world would be losing another Brad Pitt…

Ted: Oh, well I figured that since you buzzed me up and unlocked the door you expected me to just come in.

GPS: Oh! Yeah well, maybe Mike and I assume that people will be respectful of the fact that we don’t have locks anymore. Just guns. It’s ok, blondie, I get what you’re selling.

Ted: Ah, you guys purchased more firearms? Lovely. Also, I’m not blonde.

GPS: Yeah but you’re about as smart as one. Mike, you believe this dopey dick?

MPS: He’s so stupid. Ted, what are we going to do with you? We’re gonna educate you. That’s what we’re gonna do. Geeps, educate him.

*Gillian brandishes a revolver*

GPS: See this here, Teddy, old timer? It’s a vintage Smith And Wesson Schofield chambered in .45. Same kind used by Jesse fuckin’ James. I got it at a pawn shop in Vegas.

Ted: You…did?

GPS: Yeah, I traded it…for the cashier’s life. I told him the gun I was pointing at him needed a friend. Let’s play a game. Ever see The Deer Hunter?

*As Ted answers, we hear the chamber spin, click, and the “click” sound of GPS pulling the trigger.*

Ted: I’ve seen The Deer Hunter before. Please, don’t do that. Jesus Christ! You could have killed me!!

GPS: No shit dopey. We play with live ammunition at this level.

Ted: What level? Mike did you see that? Gillian almost shot me!

MPS: Hey Gillian, seems like Ted is wearing his wife’s panties again. I can tell because he’s obviously got them in a twist.

GPS: We’re hardcore Ted. Get on board this train or get off the tracks. Cuz this choochoo ain’t stopping for any pants pissing ginger who don’t carry a piece. So cool it, fatso.

Ted: You’ve said so much hurtful stuff…right in a row, just now.

GPS: Boo hoo. Complain to my gun, tub-o’-guts.

Ted: Please! Don’t! For the love of god…Do you really think I’m overweight?

GPS: No, I don’t really subscribe to that shit. I think you actually look really healthy.

Ted: Thanks, I mean my doctor just told me that my blood pressure’s looking better…

GPS: Doesn’t change the fact that you’re about as attractive as you are smart. This is Gillian’s world. And you’re just livin’ in it. Now scram, dopey. Shake those soiled dungarees down the steps. Look after your knob you blob.

Ted: Ok bye guys. So incredibly hurtful.

*Door closes as Ted leaves in a hurry.*

MPS: Bye Ted. See you next time, pal. Safe home. Tell Hallie we said hi. Love you buddy. Always so great to have him over. I really enjoy entertaining, you know. The older I get. I finally get to break out the chip and dip. But I think he did piss a little more on the way out.

GPS: That pathetic, aspiring Ron Howard lookalike totally dribbled on our welcome mat. Next time I see him I’m going to wing him a little bit.

MPS: Really? Don’t tease me.

GPS: I’ll use a .22. We gotta toughen him up, friggin dingus!

MPS: Yeah. I mean…frankly I think it’ll be good for him.

—

—Morning Show: Tooth Cake—

Kip: Thanks again to our segment reporter Kevin Franklin for bringing us that wonderful story. I guess it’s true, when one door closes, the universe opens another. But sometimes that other door fills your house with hazardous industrial cleaning foam. All of us here at “Top o’ The Mornin’” hope that the Delgado family will one day be located, or at least…identified. Well Donna, it’s almost beach season again and that means it’s time to put down the cupcakes and start doing some crunches!

Donna: That’s right, Kip. And if you’re like me, exercising isn’t the problem. It’s keeping that sweet tooth in check. I’ll work up a sweat by digging a big hole to nowhere for hours in my backyard. But then I’ll pack all those calories back on when it’s time for dessert. Talk about lost progress!

Kip: Well you look dynamite, Donna. So…those holes to nowhere seem to be…working.

Donna: Oh Kip! You’re so sweet. Our next guest has a secret to fight those sweet cravings and help keep inches off your beltline. No he’s not a dietician or a nutritionist. He’s actually a hypnotist. And he claims that hypnotism can crack the cravings. Please welcome to the show: Marius Albescu. Look at those robes!

*Marius enters as the audience applauds politely.

Kip: Welcome to Top of the Morning Marius. It’s a pleasure to have you on.

Marius: I am well thank you.

Kip: I, oh…

*Pause

Donna: So Marius, are you ready to keep me away from cake?! I’ve got a two piece I wanna fit in this summer!

Marius: This is something I wish to correct. My therapy does not keep you from craving unhealthy food items, oh no no no. Even from trying to consume them. It will only keep you from wanting to finish them. You will still very much want the cake. But no can finish.

Donna: Well as long as it does the job!

Kip: Fascinating. Just incredible. Well please tell us about how you learned hypnosis.

Marius: In my travels I met a Bavarian man.

*Long pause

Kip: Care to expand on that, or…?

Marius: Ah yes. He said he could hypnotize people and that he made the best pretzels in the world. Not being insane, I tested the truth of his…first with the pretzels. Indeed they were good, perhaps they were the best of the world. I ask next for him to show me hypnosis trick. Now for many years I use this technique to make people not eat so much food. It works good.

Donna: Marius hypnotized me backstage. And we’re going to test how this method works when I’m confronted with some of my very favorite treats!

Marius: Yes. You will not want to finish the foods. I promise you.

Donna: Alright the crew just rolled out a dining cart with some of my faves. We have chocolate cake, cookie dough ice cream, just a big ball of cookie dough, blueberry muffins… all the stuff I can’t stay away from!

*Studio audience “Oooooh”s.

Kip: Oooooooooo those do look good! Couple extra gym trips for me this week.

Donna: Well you’re in luck, Kip. You get to taste first and let everyone at home know that these are the genuine article.

Kip: (Laughing) Is this your way to make me look bigger on camera, Donna? You’re already the better looking one.

*Audience chuckles

Kip: (Takes a bite) Yup that’s chocolate cake. And it’s…from “Bakey Bakey”, on 8th Avenue! We get all our office birthday cakes from there. I’d know it blindfolded. I sure would.

Donna: I love that bakery. Here I go! (Long pause then she spits) Oh my god! That is awful! Ahhh!

Kip: Really?! Well I guess it works gang! Donna doesn’t like the taste of dessert anymore! It’s official!

*Audience applauds briefly

Donna: Dessert? It didn’t even feel like cake! Are you guys messing with me? Is this a prank? Am I being plunked? That could have made me choke. Not cool.

Kip: What gives, Donna? You ok? Because this isn’t a prank, I assure you. I tasted the same cake you did. (To the audience) I tasted the same cake she did!

Marius: Yes, Donna, tell the people what you experienced.

Donna: Ok. Ok. Let’s see what’s going on here. Let me try a scoop of this ice cream. (Same reaction. She spits) When I spit it out, strangest thing, I can see that It’s ice cream, but when it’s in my mouth it feels like…

Marius: What, what does it feel like? Please tell us. The public wants to know.

Donna: It feels like I have a mouthful of stones.

Marius: You’re getting (sing songy) warm.

Donna: So unpleasant. Like jagged little marbles.

Marius: You’re getting hotter, Donna! Hotter!

Donna: It almost feels like I have a mouthful of…of…human teeth. A whole mouth full of someone else’s loose human teeth!

*Audience gasps

Marius: Bingo! Yes, and who could enjoy such a sensation? With my method, once hypnotized my client’s mind, their entire mind, will change any unhealthy food they try to eat into the sensation of chewing human teeth. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Kip: Well that sure doesn’t sound pleasant!

Marius: I assure you, it’s very unsettling. But that is the goal of the hypnosis. As you can see Donna bit into a perfectly good piece of cake. Yet to her it was a mouthful of wisdom teeth just clacking around, grinding against her own teeth. So unbelievably sickening!

*Audience applauds

Donna: Well, I’m a believer, Marius. That was really something. So what if, say, we go for something a little less extreme. I don’t know… brussel sprouts. What if we just made cake taste and feel like brussel sprouts?

Marius: No! No. It must be teeth.

Donna: Why teeth?

Marius: Because–it is the only hypnosis I know.

Donna: Ok. Well then I guess we’ll go to commercial break and you can just reverse it for me. I’ll just have to stay away from cake on my own. This is way too unpleasant.

Marius: There is no reversal. This is a forever thing now. Forever…thing…now.

Donna: WHAT!!??? Are you kidding me! So at my daughters birthday party next week, I’m going to bite into a slice of birthday teeth?

Marius: From this day until the end of time, all cake will be teeth, yes! WILL BE TEETH!!!

*He laughs crazily. Donna pulls her mic off and storms off cursing

Donna: Andrew! Where is Andrew! Who booked this goddamned lunatic!? Well if it wasn’t our segment producer, then who the hell was it?? Don’t act like you can’t see me!

Kip: Well we’d like to thank Marius from Sweet Tooth Hypnosis for coming by. Heck of a thing. Thanks Marius. We’ll be talking about this one for a while.

Marius: My pleasure.

Donna: You wanna see the real Donna, see what happens when I can’t have chocolate every day at 5 ‘o clock!

*Tables flipping in the background

Kip: Oh boy there she goes, oh she’s… she’s flipping tables…yeah. And…according to my teleprompter, Marius has agreed to do a full group hypnosis on our studio audience at our next commercial break. Is that right?

Marius: Yes, on the whole studio audience. My pleasure, indeed. You will all taste teeth! TEETH!!! HAHA!!!

*The audience gasps, then falls silent.

Kip: Up next, is your cat plotting to kill you? Feline psychologist Anabell Schroder says yes–he or she is–but she tells us how to spot the warning signs, and how to make possums your allies. All that and more after a quick word from our sponsors. This is Top o’ The Mornin’.

—

MPS: This episode is dedicated to the lady that Ted once stopped from shoplifting while exiting a shopping mall with a friend. As the security guards gave chase, yelling for help, Ted’s less-than-proactive friend jumped right out of the way, perhaps fearing a legal entanglement of some kind. Ted, on the other hand, didn’t hesitate. He wrapped her up in a bear hug until the security guards caught up with them, thus saving some retail outlet from some annoying paperwork. I like to think that the thief has a picture of Ted featured prominently somewhere in her home, and she looks at it every morning and every night…as she bides her time…and plots her revenge.

Ted: Bring it on, Judy. My kitchen’s always open. What’s on the menu, you ask? All-you-can-eat bear hug sandwiches, that’s what.

MPS: Is her name really Judy?

Ted: I have no idea.

MPS: Oh.

—

—Outtakes—

“Gillian Has A Gun 2”

GP: It’s just the worst. Like I’ve just become the worst. Just a terrible person.

Ted: You’re drunk with the power of gun.

—

Ted: “Start podcasting, Ted” they said. “You’ll have fun.” (Crying) Podcasting isn’t fun. It’s hurtful. It’s so hurtful. Why does she have a gun? (Breaks character) Does that do it? Or should we do another one?

MPS: (Sam Elliott voice) I think you did just fine, hombre.

Ted: (Sam Elliott voice) Hombre.

—

GP: Kaboom.

Ameeta: And can you do the other line again?

GP: Yes.

Ameeta: “We’re hard core…”

GP: Yes. That was the run-on sentence, right?

Ameeta: Yeah.

MPS: I love listening to Ameeta and India refer to our ridiculous dialogue in the most serious possible tone.

GP: I know.

MPS: Like when Ameeta was like “You got a little loud on the ‘Mom sprayed hairspray into my eyes’ line…”

GP: (Laughing) I know.

—

“Celeb Smash Bros. 6”

OG: Oh, I’m a loser. And I’m exactly what I appear to be…that’s a Beatle lyric, if anyone’s wondering.

—

OG: ThemIactoncompunsatoryfactor.

—

MPS: You gotta knock him over the cliff. That’s the key, I think. I think that might actually be the only way.

Ted: But Yoshi doesn’t push. I think if I mention Olivia Munn used to date Aaron Rodgers, I can get him to jump.

—

MPS: I just have one follow-up question, though.

Ted: Mmhmm…

MPS: (Chewbacca voice) Whhhhyyyyy?

Ted: Fuckin’ asshole.

MPS: Sorry.

—

“Morning Show: Toothcake”

JMI: Biden! I am coming for you next, Biden! Everyone will taste teeth! Obama will taste teeth! Trump will taste teeth! Even even sweet, wonderful Michelle will taste teeth! You will watch! Every Disney movie! Teeth! Teeth! TEETH! The Hamilton show will now be called TEETH! (Breaks character) I’m sorry. I have nothing better to do with my time.

—

—Credits—

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!