Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

February 4, 2022

—Intro—

MPS: Hello listeners, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: And I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: Ted, when was the last time you were mad at me? Like really mad at me?

Ted: Oh man. Long time ago. I remember once in high school you took a sip from my juice box, and I thought you were abusing the privilege and taking down more than a sip’s worth. It was triggering for me because well in hindsight because as a middle child, I frequently felt overlooked. So in that moment the juice box became a boundary issue. I just didn’t have the self-awareness to identify that it wasn’t really about the juice box.

MPS: It never is. So that was the most recent time you were mad at me? High school?

Ted: Yessir. What about you?

MPS: That’s easy. About six minutes ago, you chewed a piece of celery with your mouth open. Not sure why you had to eat at all during a one hour recording session, and if you’re going to eat, why you’d choose the noisiest possible food, of any kind, to chew, and if you’re going to choose the the noisiest possible food, of any kind, to chew, why you’d do it with your mouth open, like the worst kind of uncivilized humanity there is.

Ted: And that was that triggering for you because as the youngest of your siblings, you needed to be heard…

MPS: (Interrupting) It was triggering because it was super fucking annoying. Ok? I could have been anyone at any time or place and it would still have been super fucking annoying.

Ted: Well Mike, the thing is, our past still informs how we relate to these things, and…

MPS: Just, no. No. NO. We’re playing the first sketch. Roll it.

—Quint Does Ralphie: 1—
V.O: And now we present: Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.” (Off mic) Who would ask for that?
Quint: Higbees’ corner window was traditionally a high-water mark…of the pre-Christmas season. First nighters, packed earmuff to earmuff, jostled in wonderment…before a golden tinkling display…of mechanized, electronic joy. Wow, there it is. The holy grail of Christmas gifts. The Red Ryder 200-shot range model…air rifle. And there he is. Red Ryder himself. In his hand was the knurled stock of as coolly deadly-looking…a piece of weaponry as I had ever laid eyes on.
V.O: This has been: Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.”
—Charity Conversation—

Gillian: Hi everybody. We’re going to do something a little different today. Ted and Michael recently appeared in a Japanese commercial endorsing a brand of decaf coffee. They were well paid and we find ourselves in possession of a little extra money. We’d like to do something good with it. Today the three of us are going to decide where this money will go to help our community.

Mike: That’s right.

Ted: Yes.

Gillian: Let’s start by opening up the floor to what we are each passionate about. Let’s have an open and respectful dialogue. Where do we think this money can do the most good? Mike, what’s a cause that is near and dear to your heart?

Mike: Well I’ve always admired what Princess Di did to remove landmines. And I think we should focus on doing the same thing with bear traps.

Gillian: I did not see that one coming. Feels like maybe I should have.

Mike: Yeah. Maybe you should have. Because during the last half of the 20th century more than 100,000 bear traps were sold in the north east alone.

Gillian: That doesn’t even seem like a stat that anyone would track. How do you know that?

Mike: And yet no one has an accurate count of where those bear traps ended up, or if they’re still out there waiting for some innocent boy scout to take a hike and then SLAM! Those jagged iron teeth slash into his shin nearly breaking the bone. He screams in pain and passes out. When he wakes he tries to free himself, but the trap has been professionally set and anchored. Night arrives and the smell of his blood is in the nostrils of every beast within a three mile radius. His Boy Scout troop searches in vain. This precocious little nature-loving scout wandered off the trail he was supposed to stick to because he thought he saw a cardinal. It’s getting cold and he feels the warmth leaving his body. He starts to wonder. “Why didn’t I pack the waterproof matches? Why did I leave behind the flashlight that could’ve been used as a signaling device? Where is the tarp that could be providing my shelter?” He swears that if he survives he will take scouting more seriously. He will do his chores, get better grades, be nicer to his little sister, and even volunteer after school. But for now, he’s just a boy shivering in fear as he hears leaves rustling on the forest floor in the distance. Then in the not-so-distance. What walks his way is too big to be human. And humans don’t walk on four legs. This boy…will never be found.

Ted: FUCK! I was going to say getting homeless people employment opportunities. You know, helping them with resumes and getting them new clothes…But Mike screw that, man I’m with you on bear traps. That sounds horrible. What if some kid…I don’t want some kid to have to live that story…nobody…why is nobody talking about this?

Mike: We have to get the word out.

Ted: We have to get the word out!

Gillian: Yup. Should have known this was gonna happen. Ok, boys? The money’s gonna go to an animal rescue charity of my choosing. Ok? We’re done here. Leave my studio.

—Quint Does Ralphie: 2—

V.O: We now return to Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.”
Quint: Scut Farkus! Scut Farkus! What a rotten name. We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus, staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me God, yellow eyes! Grover Dill, Farkus’ crummy little toady. Mean. Rotten. His lips curled over his green teeth. Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense. Deep in the recesses of my brain…a tiny red-hot little flame began to grow. Something had happened. A fuse blew and I had gone out of my skull. I have since heard of people under…extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities…and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.
V.O: This has been: Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.”
—What’s In A Sip—

Ted: Gillian, Mike and I worked on this one together. I don’t think there’s any way you’ll get this. Is your blindfold secure?

GPS: Yes.

MPS: The streak ends today babe. We worked hard on this one.

GPS: Bring it on.

Ted: Gillian, are you ready to play “What’s in a sip?”

GPS: You’re goddamn right I am.

Ted: Here you go.

GPS: Oooooooh, a warm mug. Nice touch. Smells like… wow… That is some pretty complex stuff. There’s a lot going on here. This is going to be tough.

MPS: Got ya! We win! Finally! Woo!

GPS: I haven’t even sipped yet, Mike.

Ted: Yeah, Mike she hasn’t sipped yet.

MPS: Oh. I tuned out for a second there. Sorry.

GPS: Ok here goes.

*She sips

The umami is from the soy sauce, the creamy chunks are sour milk, the cardamom is there to confuse my palate and yet it can’t distract from the sour cream and onion chips you’ve dissolved in there. And do I sense you wanted me to choke on the single penny you left at the bottom of the mug? And I would guess you mixed this all together in that dirty bowl Ted tried to make Philly Cheesesteak soup in last Friday. You’re amateurs.

Ted: Son of a bitch! How can we not beat you?! You didn’t even bat an eye at the penny. Gillian, I have to give it up to the master. You’re unbeatable at “What’s In A Sip.”

MPS: It’s a goddamn pleasure to watch. I can’t even wrap my head around this, G. Your palette is absolutely singular. You’ve never been wrong.

GPS: I know. It’s a thing I can do. Enough about me. Gentlemen, blindfolds please.

Ted & MPS: Ok. Here goes. We’ll try our best, a deal’s a deal, etc.

*They sip

Ted: Ooooh. It’s sweet.

MPS: Yup, you’re correct on that one, I also find it sweet.

GPS: Guys ok this one was a gag, it’s antifreeze. You should spit it out. I never thought you’d actually drink it. I thought you’d stop as soon as you smelled antifreeze!

Ted & MPS: I’m not falling for that. No way Jose. I’m not gonna be conned that easily, etc.

*Ted and MPS start guzzling and continue throughout the following*

GPS: No, take the blindfolds off! I have the bottle of antifreeze here. Stop drinking.

MPS: No. Come on. This is some kind of expensive cognac.

GPS: NO. It’s ANTI-FREEZE. And now you both have to purge. Do it. Now. Throw up.

MPS: No it isn’t. You’re a much better sipper than a liar.

GPS: OH MY GOD! THROW UP, YOU IDIOTS!

MPS: Babe, we can’t afford to throw money at expensive cognac like this and just let it go to waste!

GPS: Yeah well, if you don’t throw up right now, you’re going to FUCKING die. And as appealing as that is to me right now…Ted, STOP!

Ted: (Out of breath) Did it! I finished it, you guys. Wow. I owe you a bottle of cognac.

MPS: (Interrupting. Also out of breath.) Damn. I almost beat you.

GPS: JESUS CHRIST. Both of you, throw up. Now!

Ted: Not gonna be a problem, Geeps.

MPS: Really, it’s sittin’ just fine with me. I guess I’m just n…

*Ted and Michael start retching*

GPS: Oh, thank goodness. Mostly thank goodness.

—Quint Does Ralphie: 3—

V.O: And now we present our final installment of Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.”
Quint: For one brief moment I saw all the bolts silhouetted…against the lights of the traffic. And then they were gone. Oh, fudge! Only I didn’t say “fudge.” I said the word. The big one. The queen mother of dirty words. The “f, dash, dash, dash” word. It was all over. I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Mere child’s play compared to what surely awaited me.

V.O: This has been: Quint from the movie “Jaws” playing the role of “Narrator” in the movie “A Christmas Story.”

—Things You Should Never Say: 4—

V.O: And now we present: things you should never ever say on a first date. Or probably ever.

Man: I once owned a Labrador Retriever named Simon. He left one night after a disagreement over the phone bill.

Guy: My father always said, “You turn your back on a Menonite, you take your life in your own hands.” Unwavering distrust was maybe his greatest attribute. He later died at the hands of a Menonite, who stabbed him in the back above his floating rib with a sharpened stick.

Woman: Two questions; how long can you hold your breath in roughly eleven feet of chlorinated water? And are you allergic to any sedatives? Really take a second to think about that last one, it’s important.

Man: I’ve had an erection that lasts longer than 48…years! I’ve consulted with my physician! (Starts crying) He doesn’t believe me.

Woman: And he never woke up the next day. So no, I don’t cook for people anymore.

Man: I’m not saying I hate the federal government or anything, I’m just saying I’ve invested heavily in pressure cookers and fertilizer. Wink.

Woman: I write historical fiction about men losing their penises in machine accidents during the industrial revolution. Want to hear a passage from my new one? It’s called: “The Scald of the Bessemer Furnace.” Careful, it’s a hot one! (Reads) Chapter one…

Guy: I believe myself to be a time traveler. I’ve warned more than a few people of impending threats to their life from assassins from the future. Joke’s on them. The assassins always come…from the past.

Woman 1: So I slowly burned off my fingerprints and I’ve been looking over my shoulder ever since. But, hey, that’s life on the run!

Man: I don’t know, I just find male servers to be uncouth. It’s really a job for women. Restaurant service that is. I’ll take some more wine. Please pour.

Woman: (Opens menu) I wonder what’s good here. It’s nearly impossible to get a good Dolphin steak in this town. And try asking for a wine pairing…

Guy: You’re from Pittsburgh? Well I guess we can split the check and you can go home and shoot yourself in the face. I’ll say what your parents should have said; “I’m disappointed in you.”

Man: I practice a relatively new sexual fetish called auto-erotic-oxygination. It’s just standard masturbation while breathing medical quality oxygen from a tank.

Woman 1: They say liars never prosper but I’ve made a very healthy sum. You look good tonight by the way.

V.O: This has been: things you should never ever say on a first date. Or probably ever.

—

Ted: This episode goes out to hard candy. Nothing says pleasure like eating a sweet treat while also wanting the inside of your mouth to bleed from a series of small cuts. Thanks for being the candy that is virtually indecipherable from a shard of sugared glass. Hard candy Mike?

MPS: Fuck you, Ted.

Ted: Correct.

—Outtakes—

“What’s In A Sip”

Ted: It’s so stupid.

GP: Pretty dumb.

Ameeta: It’s awesome.

—

*MPS finishes retching.

MPS: How’s that?

Ted: I think there’s enough.

MPS: Anything worth doin’…

—

Ted: Gillian, are you ready to play “What’s in a sip?”

GP: “I’ve been waiting for this my whole life.” That’s Rudy. But yes, I’m ready.

Ted: Here you are.

—

Ted: It burns right in the pit of your stomach, doesn’t it? It feels like it’s goin’ through.

MPS: That’s the cognac.

Ted: Yeah it’s cognac. I don’t drink a lot of cognac. I guess I’m not used to…oh, sweating. I’m sweating. Are you sweating?

MPS: Mmmhmm. But I also feel cool at the same time.

—

“Things You Should Never Say 4”

April: So I slowly burned off my fingertips and I’ve been looking over my shoulder ever since. But, hey, that’s life on the run!

MPS: It’s fingerprints. Fingertips would be…that’s quite grotesque.

Ted: That’s overkill.

April: Gets the job done.

—

Janice: I’m so sorry…can you give me, like 30 seconds, I’m getting…buzzed. I’m getting a delivery.

MPS: Oh. Yeah!

Janice: Ok.

*MPS hums “Girl From Ipanema.”

Ted: Little “Girl From Ipanema” there, Mike?

MPS: Mmhmm. Classic waiting music.

Ted: Muzak.

MPS: Elevators, waiting rooms, technical difficulties…

—

JMI: I write historical fiction about men losing their penises in machete accidents during the industrial revolution. Want to hear a passage from my new one? It’s called: “Scald of the Bessemer Furnace.” Careful, it’s a hot one! Ok. (Reads) Chapter one…

MPS: Machine accidents.

JMI: Oh! Machete accidents!

MPS: Lotta machetes in the industrial revolution.

JMI: That’s definitely true!

—

MPS: So there I was in the middle of the Atlantic with this giant hole in my boat. And I’m just thinking; maybe Carol was right all along, I should have learned to swim before a solo trans-Atlantic journey.

—

Nik: Everybody has a thing. Mine is having women dress up like G.G. Allin and reenact his last concert in my living room. So… pretty boilerplate in that regard.

—

“Charity Conversation”

Ted: Oh yeah let’s do a “fun one” about a kid getting killed while he’s stuck in a bear trap. Right. The “fun one” of that.

—

“Quint Does Ralphie”

Quint: Sometimes at the height of our reveries, when our joy is at its zenith…when all is most right with the world…the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us. The heavenly aroma still hung heavy in the house. But it was gone. All gone. No turkey. No turkey sandwiches. No turkey salad. No turkey gravy, turkey hash, turkey a la king…or gallons of turkey soup. Gone. All gone. That Christmas would live in our memories…as the Christmas when we were introduced to Chinese turkey. All was right with the world.

MPS: Nice job.

—

“Credits”

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!