Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

February 15, 2022

MPS: Hello hello, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: Ted.

Ted: Mike.

MPS: Time for some more inappropriate things.

Ted: Even by our standards.

MPS: Yup. Roll it.

—

—Things You Should Never Say 5—

V.O: And now we present: things you should never ever say on a first date. Or probably ever.

Woman 1: Well I figure if a rabbit’s foot is supposed to be lucky, I figure a camel’s hoof has to be five or six times as good.

Man: My dream job? Two words. Lighthouse sheriff.

Woman: So I absconded with the drug dealer’s fortune and I have a penchant for running my mouth. What could go wrong!?

Man: I think Tim Allen is very funny.

Guy: I speak parseltongue. But everyone can tell I’m from New York. I’ve got that, uh…that bite.

Woman: What do I look for in a relationship? Power. Specifically wielding all of the power.

Woman 1: What’s the weirdest dick you’ve ever seen while peeing at a urinal? I’ll go first. So I don’t know what happened to this person. But picture like a cartoon exploding cigar…

Prepper: I think doomsday preppers are stupid. I’m an interrogation prepper. I’ve been injecting myself with sodium pentathol to build up my tolerance since I was 16. I’ve also pulled out all my fingernails. Where are you putting your olive pits? There should be a dish. I’m Yelp-ing this. They just totally lost a star.

Guy: You ever smell something in your apartment and think, “No it can’t be. Mother’s been dead for years!”

Crotch Woman: I once shared myself with a wolf and her cubs. She couldn’t make milk, so I nursed them. I’m still considered part of their pack.

Prepper: I’ve also hung myself upside down more than a few times, but who hasn’t, you know? Check out this morse code game (*starts banging and slashing morse code on the table with silverware). Notice I’m not even breaking eye contact. Booyah! What’d I say? Time’s up. I said “Help me.”

Woman 1: My living room is a ballpit. So if you wanna get some of this tonight, you’re gonna have to climb in my window.

Prepper: I also waterboard myself after every meal. Excuse me. This was delicious, by the way. Can I borrow your napkin?

Man: (Somber) She was so old and it wasn’t going well. And eventually we made the decision to turn off the machines and she just drifted off peacefully. Might have been more impactful if we knew who she was. We scurried out before the nurse came back.

V.O: This has been: things you should never ever say on a first date. Or probably ever.

—

—Shower With Mike 7—

V.O. Alright listeners, it’s that time again. Lay back in your favorite chair and light some candles. It’s time to shower with Mike.

Mike: Is it me, or is it a little too quiet in here? I mean…it feels like you don’t actually say anything at all. You…you’re still not. It’s fine. Let’s…you wanna sing? This is a shower after all. After which I’m going to make you a meal of veggie dumplings and waffles. People say they don’t go together, but that’s where people are wrong. Syrup and soy sauce, a fucking marriage made in heaven. But first, we sing.

*Mike fakes his way through “Be-Bop-Aluba”

Mike: Do you know this one? Can you guess what the title of the song is? It’s basically this. You know, you can join me anytime. You just come in on the “Op Aluba.”

*Wilguins knocks on the door

Wilguins: Michael! Mike!

Mike: Oh no. It’s Wilguins. My super. He’s always up to no good.

Wilguins: Michael I keep getting complaints from your neighbors about loud singing coming from here. What’s wrong about you? And why your apartment always smell like a waffle house crossed with bad chinese food? That’s not ok, man. Think of what you’re doing to your body! Think of your insides! Ok?

Mike: I always just wait him out. So, just…shh. Shouldn’t be too hard for you. We just had that discussion. Want to help me scrub my keister? I’ve been a dirty boy.

Wilguins: If you just closed your bathroom door, then the sound wouldn’t travel through the front door, and go all the way through the building. No one wants to hear that, man. And who showers at 1 in the afternoon? You don’t work? You don’t have no job? And don’t ask that girl to clean your bounda ou. You’re lucky to have someone in there with you!

Mike: I always just make sure to whisper when he’s doing this. I mean, I would if… this is the first time I’ve ever had…someone to whisper to in here. Promise.

Wilguins: I hear you in there, whispering! Alright man. I’m going. I have to be at another building. Please stop being such a weird guy. And open a damn window when you cook chinese food and waffles. It stinks up the hallway!

Mike: Whew. Where were we? Let’s choose a new tune. Shall we?

*He starts singing “Rose In Spanish Harlem.”

Wilguins: MIKE!

Mike: AHH!

Wilguins: I’m still here, man! I knew you’d start up again when you thought I left!

Mike: Shit. Pass the loofa. Let’s get cracking. That wasn’t a joke about scrubbing my keister. And yes-that pun was intended.

Wilguins: MIKE!

Mike: AHH!

V.O: This has been another installment of “Shower With Mike.”

—

—OG Challenges Ted—

MPS: So this is nice, huh guys? Nice to have us all back in the same room again.

OG: Yeah. Thanks for having me.

MPS: No problem, Mikey boy. I know Ted, Geeps, and I all feel that when the four of us are together, good things happen. You know?

GPS: Definitely. I mean, I’m not a writer of course. But I can say confidently that the quality of material from the 3 of you is fresher, more inventive, and funnier.

OG: That’s really nice of you to say, Geeps. Cause I have a lot of ideas here in the ‘ol notebook. I just thought…

*Ted sigh-grunts

MPS: Ted, do you wanna say something?

Ted: No, I agree. It’s always great when my older brother pops in. And I’m thrilled to hear that my good friends think that the show with my name on it is better. When my older brother writes it.

MPS: Great! So we’re all in agreement. Mike O’Gorman. In the flesh. Whaddaya got for us?

OG: Ok. Here goes. Here goes! First out of the gate. I call this one “Things you should never say during a marriage proposal.” It would be things like: “You’re the only one I want to put it in,” or “Have you always had that mole?,” or “I want to marry you because you have a terminal disease but great life insurance. Do me a solid.” Stuff like that.

MPS: I love it. Wow. Easy enough to write and all we’ll need are some extra voice actors to give us some variety. Perfect.

GPS: Brilliant. OG, do you ever not hit it out of the park?

Ted: Hey, other OG here. Ummm, does anyone else think this comes a little close to our recurring sketch “Things you shouldn’t say on a first date or probably ever?” You know because both ideas just revolve around a bunch of people on a romantic date, saying completely inappropriate things?

MPS: I’m not following, champ.

GPS: Yeah, I have to say, Ted, I think you need to pay closer attention. The sketch your brother just pitched us is “Things you shouldn’t say during a marriage proposal.” Totally different. OG, I’m really sorry. I thought Ted was listening. Though not surprised.

Ted: I was listen… I just… Uhhhh. My apologies, I’ll try and keep an open mind. Maybe they’re different enough to make it work. What else do you have Mike?

OG: Sorry I didn’t realize this would stir the pot so much. Maybe this next one will be something you’ll like, Ted. Here goes. Idea number 2; we take Christoph Waltz and make him into a crazy guy who is obsessed with, and has even kidnapped an actor, I was thinking Colin Hanks. That gives us a link for me to use a Tom Hanks impression I’ve been working on. Plus I’d obviously play Christoph Waltz. Mike, could you play Colin Hanks?

MPS: Yes. Mike, can you…oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you this–can you play a cinnabon flavored Yankee Candle? Because you’re on fire. And you really do smell great.

GPS: You’re a little Rumplestilskin spinning comedy gold! Even if you weren’t so handsome, which obviously you are, you’d still have to fight suitors off with a stick with comedic acumen like this. Too funny. You know, I almost want to save this one for something bigger than the podcast. You know?

Ted: Guys, I’m really sorry. As funny as that idea is, I think it comes suspiciously close to Werner Herzog and Steve Zahn. It’s an Austrian-German actor and director who goes insane and kidnaps a beloved character actor. That’s our original sketch, just recast! Is nobody seeing this? Also a reference to Tom Hanks? It’s Werner and Zahn all over again!

OG: I’m so sorry I’m not familiar. Ok, I’m a little embarrassed to say I don’t often get to listen to the show.

GPS: Haha! Mike, nobody expects you to listen to a podcast. We know you’re very busy.

MPS: Yeah, Mike I don’t exactly expect you to take the scone out of your mouth and tell the studio executive you’re brunching with that you need to take 15 minutes to listen to your little brother’s podcast. That’ll be the day!

OG: Yeah. Can you imagine? Anyway, if you guys are cool with it, I have two more ideas I’d like to run by you.

MPS: Let ‘em rip!

GPS: Can’t wait.

Ted: Oh joy, another idea. I can’t wait…

OG: And away we go. The next one is a bit of a stretch but would be easy to produce because it’s all one take. I do, ready, a fifteen minute standup set. And that’s the whole episode. Topical stuff, politics, travel, maybe some impressions – you know how great I am at those, etc. We could bill it as a special!

MPS: Let me stop you there. Cut. Print. Love it!

GPS: One voice, one take, no sound effects. Just some canned laughter so the audience knows where the punchline is. Mike, baby, you are an editor’s dream!

Ted: Again I hate to be the one to disagree, but the show is called “Ted & Michael Read Sketches into Microphones.” Not only is that not a sketch but the eponymous Ted & Michael are nowhere to be found.

OG: Well if that’s the issue, I’ll do all the standup with MPS. Smothers Brothers-style!

MPS: Problem solved.

GPS: Sounds great!

Ted: Thanks for offering to take over an entire episode with just you and Michael. Even though I am your actual brother. But it’s a completely different format than what we do here.

MPS and GPS: You’re way off there/Are you kidding?/ What’s your problem?/ Get a grip you moron!/ I never liked you! Ted, you’ve always been lucky to be here, etc.

OG: Guys, guys, let’s settle down. Ted, I understand not every pitch is going to grab everybody. I just thought maybe Mike would like to do an episode with someone with, you know…actual TV credits. And…you know, we’d see where you go from there.

Ted: Where I go? Where am I going? Where am I going?

OG: I didn’t say where you go, I said “Where it goes.” We’ll see where it goes…

Ted: You absolutely did not.

OG: You know what? I have one more idea that maybe you’ll like.

MPS: I for one am all ears.

GPS: Can’t wait. Ted, do you want to shoot this one down before your older brother even has a chance to speak? You know what, don’t answer that. Sorry, OG, the floor is yours.

OG: This one is also a special format. We go live and we interview celebrities and take calls and play pranks and things with people. Michael can be like my “voice of reason” partner in the booth and Gillian can be the engineer that we call in to do bits and stuff. Oh! And we can take calls…

Ted: Nope! That’s just talk radio. That’s literally the format of Howard Stern.

OG: These are just ideas, Ted. You know, there’s something that Danny McBride always liked to say on the set of Vice Principals. Are you guys…do you know about…have you heard of…

MPS and GPS: Of course/We love him/We love that show/You were fantastic in it, etc.

OG: Oh, good. He always used to say… This is something that Jimmy Fallon would frequently remind me of as well, when I wrote for and appeared on his…have you ever seen…?

MPS and GPS: Of course/So good/, etc.

Ted: Jesus Christ.

OG: Yeah, Jimmy would say this a lot. It’s similar to something that Amy Schumer always said on set. I was on “Inside Amy Schumer” as well. Have you guys ever…

MPS and GPS: Of course/So good/, etc.

OG: Yeah she would say this, too. (*Flick sound) Ow. Ted did you just flick me?

Ted: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

OG: Well it felt like (*Flick sound)…That smarts. You just did it again.

Ted: No I didn’t. (*Flick sound)

OG: Ok. Ok. I just watched you do it that time.

Ted: I’m not flicking you. I’m just offering different ideas. (*Flick sound)

OG: I see what’s happening here. I see what’s happening here. (*Flick sound) DON’T. Flick me again. Ted, I’m in such better shape than you, it’s ridiculous.

Ted: Fine I won’t flick you anymore. (*Slap sound)

OG: Ohhh…really? I’m an actor! The face!?

*Scuffle ensues

Ted: Why can’t you just let me have this?! Oh no, you’ve gotta be the favorite here, just like with Mom and dad!

OG: Your Werner Herzog needs work!

Ted: How dare you!

OG: I also sing and play guitar!

MPS: Hey G, should we do something?

GPS: No, this seems like a family matter.

MPS: Can we please go?

GPS: Absolutely.

*The scuffle continues.

OG: I was just on HBO’s Perry Mason! AP Bio, much!?

Ted: Stop shouting your credits!!!

—

—Suspicion Cologne—

V.O.: We all know that a jealous and insecure woman is a pliable woman. If your lady thinks she’s got competition you’ll see a side of her you didn’t know about. She’ll bend over backwards to please you. Introducing the new fragrance: “Suspicion.” Go home after work and kiss your beautiful wife. She’ll smell a scent that she knows you’d simply never wear. She’ll think to herself:

Woman: Didn’t Brian’s secretary, Allison smell kind of like that at the office Christmas party? She does laugh at all his jokes, even the bad ones.

V.O: You might see a tear run down her cheek as she contemplates her next move.

Woman: Divorce would be hard on the kids and, I’m not going to take them and Brian’s not exactly father of the year, plus: the lawyer bills will pile up quickly. Counseling definitely isn’t the answer. Brian always says psychiatrists are thought bandits, who tell your intimate relationship secrets at cocktail parties to make their colleagues laugh.

V.O: When she takes another whiff of “Suspicion,” she’ll realize:

Woman: No more wearing sweatpants when he gets home. And I’m going to shave above the knee everyday from now on. And I’d better start using that Peloton bike I dry my towels on. Fuck. I need to step up my game and finally be what magazines tell me I should look like!

V.O: “Suspicion.” New from Tyburn Industries’ Patriarchy Division.

—

G: This episode is dedicated to the practice of Manipulating insecure men into making decisions that to you are so obviously correct that it kind of makes you dizzy. By simply making them think they’ve made up their mind for themselves, we can all move forward just a little faster.

MPS: Is that a real thing, or…

G: Nah, I just thought it would be funny to improvise one.

Ted: Oh, good.

MPS: Whew.

G: Yeah. And that way you guys don’t have to write anything else, and we can just order pizza.

MPS: Oh…

G: I mean, if you want! You know, I’m just here to help. Not here to micro-manage. Just helping.

Ted: Umm…

G: But just real quick, the pizza place will start to get really busy soon. We don’t wanna be waiting…you know.

MPS: You know what? Here’s a plan. Let’s order. And pack up the equipment. By the time it gets here, we’ll be done for the day.

G: Great.

—

—Outtakes—

“Shower With Mike 7”

MPS: Now I know what they call the butt in Haiti.

Ted: Bounda ou

Manny: Yup. Bounda ou.

Ted: The way I’ll remember it is because it’s in the back, and it’s down.

Manny: Bounda ou.

—

“Things You Should Never Say 5”

Eddy: Little bloopers.

MPS: Yeah. Totally. It’s a lot of people’s favorite part of the episodes, which, I don’t know what that says about the actual sketches, but…

—
MPS: My dream job? Simple. Two words–Ted. Nugent.

Ted: The creepy eyes really sold that one. Shit. Fuck, my power just went out.

MPS: You just get to travel the country, and play “Cat Scratch Fever” in various honky tonks. What’s not to love? You get to wear gator skin hats.

—

April: Dogs may be man’s best friend, but the threat of a swift kick in the balls is anyone’s greatest ally. Am I right?

—

Ted: How are you with subjugation?
—

“OG Challenges Ted”

OG: well, I also sing and play guitar (Sings/plays) It’s been a hard day’s night…

Ted: I used to cut the strings off your guitar and piss in them.

OG: I knew it.

Ted: Yeah, that’s why they were filled with piss.

OG: I thought there was somebody living in the walls.

Ted: Nope. It was just me pissing in your guitar.

OG: Sucks. You suck.

Ted: Yeah. The moisture probably ruined a few of them.

OG: It did.

Ted: You can’t put urine vs. guitar glue. It just, it won’t hold up. It’s the uric acid.

OG: Well it’s the wood. It’s not even the glue. It’s the wood. It warps the wood. The hot urine warps the wood.

Ted: No, I, yeah. Especially when it’s between seasons and you’ve got the pressure changing the, you know…

OG: Right. But nevermind that. Wood is porous.

Ted: Yup. It’s gonna absorb. And also, good luck getting that smell out.

OG: Yes.

MPS: It seems like they’re making up. At least they’re being civil.

OG: They seem to be on the same page!

Ted: Piss in a guitar is not a good thing. They’ve allied on one issue.

—

“Credits”

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!