Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 3, Episode 10 Transcript

March 15, 2022

MPS: Hello hello, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

 

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman. Listeners, I’ve found an irregular mole. The kind of mole you worry about. The kind of mole that makes you see a specialist. As many of you know I’m fair skinned and growing up I spent a good amount of time at the beach… I wish someone would have told us about sunscreen, but in those days…

 

MPS: Everyone. Literally everyone told us about sunscreen. What? Did you grow up in a different time than I did? Are you George Hamilton?  Whatever that god forsaken mole is, you brought it on yourself, bud. And I for one think you deserve it. You mess with Ra, god of the Sun, and don’t respect his power, he will gift you a horrendous mark. Here’s some comedy. 

 

Ted: I ju…

 

MPS: Don’t, nobody cares. He’s fine, everybody. Yes, get checked out. But he’s fine.

 

—

 

—Sandwich MD—

 

V.O. Hey there sick and hungry fella, are you tired of this happening?

 

Patient: I can’t believe I’ve been in this waiting room so long. I’m starving. And the vending machine is out of everything that I’d like. 

 

V.O. Seems like a bummer to me. But what if there’s a better way? We here at Sandwich M.D. think your urgent care needs are missing one thing; an artisanally crafted deli sandwich. Why sit in a waiting room with a growling belly when you can fill it with ham and cheese on pumpernickel with your choice of kettle cooked chips, and a soft drink? You can order in the office or call ahead and have your sandwich waiting for you on arrival.

 

Receptionist: Mr. Fletcher, Dr. Simmons can see you now. And here’s your “mile high pastrami on rye” hold the mustard, jalapeno chips, and a root beer. That’ll be $37.25 and we’ll put it towards your deductible. Exam room 4.

 

Mr. Fletcher: Well, thank you very much. This sounds like exactly what I need to take my mind off of my rheumatoid arthritis and crippling medical debt. Oh, and also, I have gout! Sandwich M.D: the best darn care and the best darn sandwiches.

 

Testimonial 1: Once a week I call up Sandwich MD and tell them I have a sore throat. It’s a lie. What I have is a hankering for the number 3. That’s turkey, provolone, bacon, banana peppers, and mayo on a kaiser roll with lettuce and tomato. Pair that with a Schweppes bitter lemon and some baked vegetable chips and I’m on cloud nine! After I see the doctor I just throw out my prescription in the nearest garbage. And the best part is, my insurance is none the wiser! I’m in good hands, and that number 3 is in my hands!

 

Testimonial 2: I have migraines, I’m here a few times a week. I order off of the daily special menu. Today was salami, swiss cheese, diced girkins, and homemade sauerkraut with a spicy dijon. It’s so good, I’ve almost forgotten how these bright lights are making my headache worse!

 

Old man testimonial: I…get…the tuna.

 

V.O. And if you choose to fill a prescription in one of our in-house pharmacies we can combine your medicine with your meal. All our pharmacists are board certified in tastiness!

 

Clerk: Mrs. Harrison. Order up!

 

Mrs Harrison: Right here!!

 

Clerk: Ok, we got a prosciutto with gruyere, caramelized red onion, with arugula, on a ciabatta roll, chipotle mayo, with crushed up Zoloft. Side of salt and vinegar chips and one Jones diet cream soda. You’re not going to want to drive or operate heavy machinery after eating this. Also if you have diarrhea or a mild tremor that’s the Zoloft, not the sandwich. Take care peaches, you can pay up front, always good to see you, love!

 

Mrs. Harrison: Thanks Marty I’ll see you next time I’m feeling blue! The days are getting shorter, so…shouldn’t be long. 

 

Clerk: Ok! Next up I got a BLT. Bacon, lettuce and Triazolam. This should cure your hunger and your insomnia Mr. Branacaccio.

 

V.O. At Sandwich M.D. it’s tough to tell what we take more pride in: medical care…Or top notch gourmet sandwiches prepared with the freshest ingredients to order. 

You could get your flu shot anywhere. But where can you get a french dip with your flu shot in the au jus? The choice is clear. Sandwich M.D. is who I’m trusting with my urgent medical needs, and more importantly–my lunch. 

 

Testimonial 3: Thanks Sandwich M.D. I’ve never felt better and I’ve never been fed better. Now if you’ll excuse me I think I’ll grab a sliced steak with porcini mushrooms and garlic aioli while I wait for the doctor to check out this irregular mole on my thigh. It’s purple and shaped like the state of Michigan!

 

V.O: Sandwich M.D. Medically capable, and perfectly palatable.

 

—

—Singing Bully 3—

 

V.O: And now we present, Carter Fredericksburg…the singing bully.

 

Harry: Hey Dez, did you remember your social studies textbook?

 

Desmond: Yeah, here it…

 

Librarian: Shhh.

 

Harry and Desmond: Sorry, miss Ashley.

 

Librarian: This is a library, boys. Not a study hall. Lock it up.

 

Harry and Desmond: Yes ma’am.

 

Desmond: Did you have any trouble with the math?

 

Harry: Not really. You just need to remember the quadratic equation. I can show you.

 

Desmond: What? 

 

 Harry: Oh no.

 

Harry: See that little dot at the end of the hall?

 

Desmond: The one that keeps getting bigger and bigger?

 

Harry: Yes.

 

Desmond: I can’t make out who it is.

 

Harry: It’s…it’s Carter.

 

Desmond: Oh no! Let’s get outta here.

 

Harry: No, we’ll be safe here. Miss Ashley won’t even let us talk!

 

Desmond: I don’t know.

 

Harry: Just look down. Maybe he’ll walk right past us.

 

Carter: Oh, hello boys! Who in the world told you two that you could study quietly in my library?

 

Librarian: SHHH!

 

Carter: Calm yourself, toots.

 

Librarian: WHAT did you just say to me, Carter!?!

 

Desmond: Wow. This is great!

 

Harry: Yeah, this should be good. 

 

Carter: I SAID. Calm. Ya’self. Then… I called ya toots.

 

Librarian: That’s it! I don’t know who the H you think you are, mister…

 

Carter: Take a walk, sweetheart.

 

Librarian: Are these…quarters?

 

Carter: Go hit the vending machines.

 

Librarian: There must be…what is this, like six dollars in…

 

Carter: Six seventy five. Beat it. 

*She scoops the quarters up, and exits. 

 

Librarian: Alright

 

Harry: What is even happening right now?

 

Desmond: I…I…

 

Carter: So…I take it you boys like books.

 

Harry and Desmond: I…Yeah. They’re ok.

 

Carter: Wanna know my favorite book?

 

Harry and Desmond: I…uh…sure.

 

*Carter sings “Book of Love” 

 

Carter: Encore time!

 

Harry and Desmond: OH NO!

 

*Carter sings “Paperback Writer.”

 

Carter: Just thought I’d…stick with the books theme…you know?

 

Harry and Desmond: Uh-huh.

 

Carter: Glad you liked it. I appreciate the feedback.

 

V.O: This has been Carter Fredericksburg…the singing bully.

 

—

—Peter Lorre Mad Libs—

 

V.O: And now we present: classic movie actor Peter Lorre, reciting Mad Libs written by 6th graders.

 

This one is called “Party Time.” Special thank you to the sixth graders of St. Christopher’s Grammar School in Baldwin, New York. One of the most sexy things about graduating is that my vaginas are sucking a huge party! I decided to have a backyard barbecue for all of my family and penises. I’ve invited my best friends Cardi B, Mike, and of course my teacher, Mrs. Boobie. My dad is going to “do-it” with hamburgers and lo mein on his shiny new shit. He always thinks his lo mein tastes really big, but I think it tastes like scary tap shoes. My mom is going to make her famous jelly fish salad, which is my favorite meat stick ever! Mom said after we finish doing our taxes we can go swimming in our new farts ahhhhhhhhh!

 

V.O: This has been classic movie actor Peter Lorre, reciting Mad Libs written by 6th graders.

 

—

 

—Slutty Little Mouth—

 

MPS: Aaaaannnd it looks like I can safely say that that is a wrap on today’s recording. Great job everyone. We got to everything we needed to do today.

 

GPS: Ok, before we celebrate I want to listen one more time to the sketch where Ted pisses bleach, I think we might need a couple of pickups on the scream, and I’d just as soon get that before we break everything down. 

 

MPS: It’s so hard to listen to. But ok. Thank you, love. 

 

Ted: Thanks Gillian, always five steps ahead. And Mike, the sketch where you read all the possible side effects for that gout medication, so good man. I wouldn’t have been able to read that fast and that articulate. Two takes! Man, that slutty little mouth of yours sure knows what it’s doing! 

 

MPS: Yeah man, it felt pretty good and by the second paragraph I was really in the zone.  Did you just say, sluttly little mouth? 

 

Ted: Mmhmm.

 

MPS: You, my friend, just referred to my mouth as both slutty and little? Is that correct?

 

Ted: Yes, sir. Mike, your lips have hips, baby!

 

MPS: No. No… That’s not a thing. You can’t tell someone they have a sluttly little mouth and then just breeze past it. And the lips-have-hips thing is way offside. 

 

Ted: I didn’t mean to breeze past anything…least of all that slutty little mouth of yours. Listening to you read sketches is like watching butter melt on a window during an autumnal sunset. As they say.

 

MPS: Also not a thing!

 

Ted: Mike, calm down. I’m just trying to say that your velveteen vocal chords are exactly what we needed on that sketch.

 

MPS: Well you picked a weird way to express it. That is all I’m saying. Please don’t…

 

Ted: And to watch your slutty little mouth form the words is just a pleasure.

 

MPS: There it is again! You can’t say that! It’s like you’re suddenly in a porn, a bad and offensive porn.

 

Ted: The only pornography I watch are stories involving Rosie the Riveter and women replacing men in the workforce during the war effort. So it’s very hard for me to understand what “offensive” porn is, Mike.

 

MPS: Is that…a real thing?

 

Ted: Oh, yeah. Whole sub-culture. I did a research paper on it in college. That’s how I got my degree.

 

MPS: They let you analyze historically-themed porn? And they gave you a degree?

 

Ted: Yup. Queens College, but still. 

 

GPS: Hey guys, I’m trying to listen to this sketch to see if we need pickups. It’s really hard to hear when you idiots can’t stop talking. So please, just shut up. 

 

Ted: Sorry, Gillian. Ten-four. 

 

GPS: Thank you, Ted.  

 

MPS: G, did you hear what Ted said about my mouth? I’m sorry to interrupt you again, but… 

 

GPS: Mike I love you more than life itself, but I swear I will aim a howitzer at your balls if you don’t shut that slutty little mouth of yours.  

 

Ted: See!? 

 

MPS: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!? Goddammit! 

 

—

 

Ted: This episode is dedicated to those tri-fold poster board things we used to use during every grade school science fair: easy to fill with printed pictures and oversized faulty charts, and if your older sibling or controlling parent can draw big enough bubble letters, then there’s that much less real estate for you to cover with actual work. 

 

MPS: Education!

 

Ted: That’s right.

 

MPS: USA!

 

—

 

—Outtakes—

“Slutty Little Mouth”

Ted: Do you wanna go to, uh…Slutty Little Mouth?

MPS: Yeah. I can’t say the name of that sketch. It makes me uncomfortable. I can’t even write it down. It’s in my notebook as SLM.

Ted: Yeah. It’s very uncomfortable.

—

MPS: Aaaaannnd that is a wrap on today’s recording. That is not…I did not believe myself.

—

 

“Peter Lorre Mad Libs”

 

Ameeta: Were these really written by children?

MPS: Nope. Nope. Just these two children. 

 

—

 

Lorre: This one is called “Talk Like a Pirate.” Special thank you to Mrs. Paleo’s class of sixth graders at P.S 135, in Astoria New York. You can always pretend to be a blood thirsty ball sack, threatening everyone by waving yer throbbing sword around in the air, but until ye learn to dump like a pirate, ye’ll never be busily accepted as an authentic asshole. So here’s what ye do: Cleverly work into yer daily conversations spooky pirate phrases such as, “Ahoy there, penises,” “Avast, ye anchovies,” and “Shiver me overalls.” Remember to drop all yer “g”s when you say such words as sailin’, spittin’, and fightin’. This will give ye a pimple faced start to being recognized as a swashbucklin’ butthole. Once ye have the lingo down pat, it helps to wear a three cornered boogie board on yer head, stash a pancake in yer pants, and keep a skateboard perched atop yer schnoz. Aye now ye be a real pirate!

“Sandwich MD”

Nik: You could get your flu shot anywhere. But where can you get a french dip with your flu shot in the au jus? (Laughs) So dumb!

 

—

MPS: I’m starving. And the vending machine is out of everything that I’d like. (Breaks character) That sounds like I’m Harry Carey, not a person with a stuffy nose.

 

—

 

“Singing Bully 3”

OG: (Singing) Who wrote the book of love? Oooweeeooooo…

Ted: That was great!

MPS: That was great!

Ted: Nailed it.

 

MPS: That was swingin’, man!

OG: Sounds real good in the booth here, guys.

—

“Credits”

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!