Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 4, Episode 5 Transcript

September 25, 2023

MPS: Hello dear sweet listeners. Welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

 

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

 

MPS: Ted, what do you think about the rose’?

 

Ted: It’s nice. Good legs, delicate body, nuanced acidity. Notes of watermelon and strawberries. Light pink color. Provencal in style I would say.

 

MPS: Cool. Yeah, I just woke up one day and thought. Hey, I’m secure enough in my masculinity that I can drink a pink drink. And so what if people make fun of me for that. I’m not going to be offended by someone’s ignorant implication that a color traditionally associated with femininity makes me a girl. Aren’t we past that? And wouldn’t that mean that I think being labeled a girl is bad? And I don’t think that at all. So I drink this pink drink in solidarity with people all over the world who may or may not like the color pink. Here’s to you, fam!

 

Ted: This is the only booze in the house because you and Geeps had people over last night, right?

 

MPS: Yes. It was game night.

 

Ted: And that whole speech?

 

MPS: A ruse. A goddamn rose’ ruse. Listen to this.

 

—

 

“Fast & Furious 19: Arctic Drift.”

 

Ted: Hey folks, Mike and I have another super high-value sponsor.

MPS: This one should keep Ted and me in Pop Tarts for a while…

Ted: It’s a movie. And as part of our sponsorship, we get to release their audio trailer for the first time ever.

 

MPS: Please enjoy the audio trailer for…“Fast & Furious 19:

 

Both: Arctic Drift.”

Ted: And stay tuned, because later in the episode we also have exclusive interviews with some of the stars. 

 

TRAILER

 

V.O. When the polar ice caps are shifting. And mother nature’s not the cause. There’s only one crew you want driving on ice.

 

Gen.: Hello everybody. Welcome to the North Pole. Think of me as General Santa Claus. I’ve gifted you all the newest in high tech cold weather ankle monitors. These ones have a special feature. If I don’t like what I see on the satellite feed, if you try to run, or if I plain don’t like you. BAM!! I blow a hole in the ice with your ass. The deal is simple. Do what I say and accomplish this mission and President Amanda Bynes will issue you all full pardons. Don’t, and you’ll just be a little red stain on this big block of white. Now, Toretto here tells me this SoCal crew is the best in the world at driving souped up street racers through arctic conditions. Isn’t that so Toretto? 

 

VD: We’re the best. I once drove in an eighth of an inch of snow. On the Ventura Freeway. At 17 miles per hour. For 6 minutes. During a freak storm in ‘96. If I can handle that. I can handle anything this berg can throw at us. And so can my crew. You tell us what to hit and we’ll hit it.

 

Hot Female Chief Scientist: Thomas Quaiden, the billionaire oilman, is trying to shift the polar ice caps to reach the massive oil reserves underneath. This will have cataclysmic effects. Rising tides. Earthquakes. You name it. But you don’t want to hear about that. Toretto, here’s your ride. What can you tell me?

 

VD: This is a Michinoko Diablo Blanco with an 18 cc injection, a fuel rod made of store bought aluminum foil, 1 billion horsepower, manual windows, a tape deck your assistant stole, 4 round tires that are slightly under pressure, there’s a thing of cheetos in the glovebox, and the trunk is a single cup holder. This beauty comes off the line like a rabid mongoose chasing your kid. Wanna race for pink slips, Doc? 

 

HFCS: Mr. Toretto, you’re impressive.

 

VD: Doc, you don’t know the half of it… 

 

—

 

JS: Letty, you ok over there? That Russian tank’s just disappeared.

 

MR: Oh that fella? He was my date from Minsk. I thought he deserved a snow job!

 

V.O. For this kind of mission, you’d better be sure you have ice in your veins.

 

Gen: Turetto, don’t you and your crew jump that crevasse! It’s seven miles across. And we never should have outfitted you with sports cars for this. Shit, we didn’t even give you motherfuckin’ snow tires! For once in your life Turetto, don’t be a hero!

 

VD: General, sounds like your engine is getting a little overheated. Maybe you should switch to cold brew. Everybody gun it!!!

 

V.O. Fast & Furious 19: Arctic Drift. Coming soon to theaters. Whether you like it. Or not.

 

—

 

Ted: Hi everyone. It was our pleasure to debut the trailer for Fast & Furious 19: Arctic Drift. We hope you enjoyed what you heard and reserve your seats for the premiere. With me now is of course Michael. Michael, say hello.

 

MPS: Whatever.

 

Ted: Going to push past that. We are also very fortunate to have some of the cast and crew of Fast & Furious Arctic Drift with us. 

 

*Some say their hellos to the audience.

 

Ted: We have some questions coming in from listeners that just heard the trailer. First up–

 

MPS: I’ve got a question. Statham, where’s my money?

 

Ted: What?

 

JS: I’m not going over this with you again, Smith. 

 

MPS: You’re a fuckin’ fork tongued serpent, you limey prick! Hello, is this Hollywood? Oh, lovely you’ve got a part for me, can I drive a car and do some martial arts? I’ll put some things in the boot and I’ll take the lorry up to whatever floor the office is on. Can I bring my trouble and strife? I’ll even wear a syrup of figs if it’s in me costume. Lovely, sign me up. My name’s Turkish. I’m the transporter. The transporter of LIES!

 

JS: Hey Ted, put a leash on your poodle before I housebreak her.

 

Ted: What the hell is going on? I didn’t even realize you guys knew each other.

 

MPS: We met when I was on one of my trips to the Far East. Baldy here was filming The Meg. You know, that wanna be Jaws piece of shit. He convinced me there was a growing market among Romanian men ages 18 to 34 for small speedo-like swimwear. He started a company that sold such wares called “Statham Stamps.” The idea was Jason wanted to outfit Romanian fellas with swimsuits that were roughly the size of a postage stamp. The only trouble? They dissolve when wet! I sunk everything my Nana left me into your bogus Eastern European bikini-bottom ponzi scheme!

 

Ted: Maybe you guys can settle this when we’re off the air?

 

MPS: I can. Because I’m a gentleman. I don’t know about this girlfriend-stealing asshole.

 

Ted: He stole your girlfrie– Mike, you’re married.

 

MPS: Not me personally. But just look at him. He’s probably stolen a girlfriend or two in his time.

 

JS: Affirmative. 

 

Ted: OK! We’re here to talk about the movie. The rest of this can wait. FIRST QUESTION. This comes from Shelly in Grafton Vermont, population 680. This question is for everyone. Shelly writes, “What was it like to say goodbye to the characters you’ve over-acted, or in some cases under-acted, for years? Will you miss phoning it in?”

 

Jason Statham: We felt like we had told all we could with these characters. Having them die by all simultaneously trying to jump a 7 mile wide arctic crevasse, seemed like a fitting end. So we’ll all go do a project people actually respect for a year or two and then sign on for another 5 of these when we run out of money. The writers will figure some way to get us out of that fuckin’ ice. 

 

VD: This is all I have. Well this, and the role of a one-line speaking CGI tree in Guardians. And I had to ask for my line every take on that shoot. And nobody says it, but I know I look like a thumb with eyes. Man, I was in Private Ryan, been downhill ever since. I wish it was me at the bottom of that glacier. 

 

MR: My name is Michelle Rodriguez. I played Anna Lucia on Lost.

 

Ted: Thank you for that Michelle. Not that anyone asked…

 

English Woman: Oh, me? I’m an unknown 22 year old english model. I’m 5’10”, blonde and I have this posh accent. I’ve never acted and to be honest, I’ve never driven a car. I’m here to make these wonderful men look younger and more relevant as their original audience outgrows them. It was great fun to make this film. I had 3 lines and 4 sex scenes.

 

Ted: Again, no one has asked you anything. I don’t even have your name here in my notes. Well folks, sometimes there’s just no getting a train back on its tracks. We hope you have a wonderful evening. Goodnight.

 

*MPS and Statham continue arguing.

 

JS: It’s called an investment not a guarantee!

 

MPS: Well if you want a guarantee I wouldn’t look at Harry and Meghan!

 

JS: Back off the Duke and the Duchess, mate. Do yourself a favor.

 

—

 

“Shower with Mike 8”

 

V.O: Alright listeners, it’s that time again. Lay back in your favorite chair and light some candles. It’s time to shower with Mike.

MPS: Hey babe. Thanks for wiping the fog off the shower mirror so I could shave. Everywhere. Also thanks for unclogging the drain. I don’t know how that lo mein got in there. As Ralph Kramden said, “Baby, you’re the greatest.” Ha. Now that guy knew romance. Anyway, sorry I don’t have a loofa for you. I just have a thing about sharing them. Ditto for bars of soap. Besides, Dove original is…my scent. Maybe next time pack a bit of a bag.

 

*Cable guy barges into bathroom

MPS: (Same time) Ah!

 

Cable guy: Uh, sir…? You wanna get outta there so I could walk you through your new cable setup?

 

MPS: Uh…sorry, I can’t. I’m kinda busy.

Cable guy: Yeah. Looks that way. But I told you I’d have you all hooked up in like ten minutes. I’m not sure why you had to get in the shower right away like that.

MPS: I’m not getting out, man. Just tell me from there. How is this different from my previous cable box?

 

Cable guy: Well the inputs on the remote will be all different, your internet should be a bit faster, and I moved the modem closer to the office there. That should help, too.

MPS: Ok…thanks…doesn’t sound like I really need a whole lot of instruction. So thanks. I’ve got it from here.

 

Cable guy: Suit yourself.

*Cable guy exits.

MPS: Yeah that’s right. I’m sticking with terrestrial cable. I don’t cut cords. Ever.  Hey, whaddaya say we get Weisted later? No, I don’t mean wasted. I say we just watch a whole bunch of Dianne Weist movies. “Little Man Tate”, “Edward Scissorhands”, “The Birdcage.” Her Oscar winning performances in “Bullets Over Broadway” and “Hannah and Her Sisters” taught me how to trust again. She got nominated for her role in “Parenthood”, but lost that one to Brenda Fricker…which I think was a…frickin’…crock of…

 

*Meanwhile, apartment door opens, then bathroom door opens

MPS and Stranger: AHHH!!!

MPS: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Stranger: Is Alan here?

MPS: There is NO Alan here!

Stranger: Are you sure?

 

MPS: YES, I’M…Wait, is Alan a cable guy?

Stranger: No.

MPS: THEN HELL YES I’M FUCKING SURE. GET OUT OF HERE, PLEASE!

 

Stranger: Ohhhh, you know what. I think he’s in 4A. I must have the wrong apartment. Did it again.

MPS: THIS IS 12C YOU’RE NOT EVEN CLOSE, GET THE FUCK OUT!!!

 

*Stranger exits the bathroom and the apartment

 

MPS: Forgive the intrusion. Where were we? What say we crank up the heat in here? Literally. I brought in my favorite dress shirt so the steam will take out the wrinkles. By the way, who’d you vote for last time around? What was that guy’s name again, the guy who…

 

*Apartment door opens as Delivery person speaks/barges in

Delivery person: Food delivery! Panda Express!

MPS: Ah! Just leave it. 

 

*Delivery person exits

 

MPS: Thank you! I forgot…I ordered us up some orange chicken…45-55 minutes ago. I hope you like…spicy…

*Apartment door opens as Drizly delivery person speaks/barges in

Drizly delivery person: Liquor delivery!

MPS: (Same time) AHHH! GAH!!!

Drizly delivery person: (Cont.) Six bottles of three dollar Merlot, from “Booze Clues: discount liquors with blurry labels”

MPS: Yes, I know. Thanks. Just leave it!

 

*Drizly delivery person exits.

 

MPS: Forgot about that one, too. I thought maybe you’d want copious amounts of…a very specific red wine…that I happen to like. It has notes of…

*Wilguins knocks on the door

Wilguins: Mike!

 

MPS: (Same time) AHH!

Mike, what’s with all these noisy visitors like it’s Grand Central Station or something, man? And the hallway is like a steam room! You gonna answer me, or what? Alright Mike. I’m gonna remember this next time your sink backs up or something. And it won’t be long! Your shower drain keeps getting clogged with Panda Express. Stop eating that stuff! There is much better Chinese food in this city. You’re on Elizabeth Street, man! So close to Chinatown! You live on Mulberry Street, do you order Domino’s? Fuck no!

*Wilguins leaves the building, still muttering to himself about Mike’s rudeness.

MPS: Not one of those people knocked. Except Wilguins. Guy’s old school.

 

V.O: This has been another installment of “Shower With Mike.”

 

—

 

“Monster Truck PSA 3”

 

V.O. BROS! Are the f’n man? Is your Alpha status never in doubt? Are you the biggest swinging BLEEP in any room at any given time? Are you ready to show the world what a silverback gorilla you are?! THEN TREAT WOMEN WITH RESPECT!!! When you’re at a diner and your waitress passes by your table don’t say, “Hey sweetheart when you get a sec I’ll take some more coffee.” Just take out the sweetheart and you’re golden. 

It’s that easy! See a woman walking by on the street, don’t tell them to smile because YOU’RE NOT THE FACIAL EXPRESSION POLICE!!! At a rental car place waiting to check out your mid-size sedan so you can get your work trip in Seattle started? Don’t address the clerk as “Hun.” Check out her name tag. That’s right she’s an individual with her own identity, JUST LIKE YOU!!! Read the tag, use the name, ditch the “Hun.” TREAT WOMEN WITH RESPECT!!! It’s so fuckin’ hardcore, AND unlike beeping your car horn at them if you find them attractive, or going “Psss psss psss” as they walk by, RESPECT might actually get you laid. Even though THAT SHOULDN’T BE YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE!!!

 

—

 

“Christmas Gift Exchange”

 

MPS: Alright that’s a wrap for today. I’ll start editing these tomorrow. But three sketches in the can. Not bad for a day’s work. For us.

 

Ted: Well then, I think we should get on to the next bit of business.

 

MPS/Geeps: The Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones Secret Santa!!!

 

Ted: That’s right. Was everybody able to stay within the $20 limit?

 

MPS: Ummmmm…I may have gone a little over.

 

Geeps: Yeah I’m guilty of that as well. I just really found a perfect gift for the person who’s name I pulled.

 

Ted: Guuuuys. Come on!  We go through this every year. 

 

Geeps/Mike: (Coyly) Sorry. 

 

Ted: I guess we’ll just have to postpone until everyone gets an appropriate gift.

 

MPS/Geeps: Awwwwwwwwww! Come on/Please?/But it’s Christmas!

 

Ted: Oh alright! I guess there’s no point in not exchanging now. Some of us probably bought gifts so long ago that they can’t be returned. Ok. Did everyone put their gift on the coffee table?

 

MPS: I did!

 

Geeps: Me too. And I didn’t peek at the other gifts.

 

MPS: Me neither! And you know how bad I wanted to.

 

Ted: Alright. Mike, do you want to play Santa?

 

MPS: DO I!? Here we go! First gift. This one is for Gillian.

 

Geeps: Oh wow. It’s a coffee mug that says, “I wish this was wine!” That’s hysterical. Thank you to whoever got me that. One of you boys knows me really well.

 

MPS: Next up is Ted. Here you go buddy. 

 

Geeps: Merry Christmas. I hope you… I mean I’m sure whoever pulled your name really hopes you like it.

 

Ted: Thank you. Wow. These are the crystal champagne glasses I saw in a store window last year that I said would be perfect for special occasions. Wow. I’d forgotten about these. I remember because my grandmother used to have a set just like this and we’d do a champagne toast every New Years Eve at her house with them. And while my family clinked glasses she would say, “To my wonderful family. I wish you a happy and prosperous new year. But mostly I wish that you never forget how lucky we are to share each other’s company. For that is the truest gift of all.” Then we’d all sip champagne and watch the ball drop. I…I can’t accept these. These are way more than twenty dollars.

 

Geeps: Hey, Ted, someone really wants you to have those. Probably because they were so moved when they first heard that story about your grandmother’s new years tradition.

 

Ted: I’m so lucky to have friends like you guys. Well, Mike it looks like you’re up.

 

MPS: YES! Ok. Oh. The outside of this box is very sticky. And if I had to guess it was hastily wrapped by a nine year old. Maybe a nine year old had a gift wrapping stand outside. That’s cool. Supporting…entrepreneurship. Is that a thing? I don’t know. Anyway, Here we go. Ok, it’s a shoe box. It says Clarke’s Desert Boots size 10 and a half. Huh, ok not my style or my size.

 

Ted: Well maybe it’s not shoes.

 

MPS: It certainly doesn’t feel like shoes. So the possibilities are just…Ok. There we are. 

 

Geeps: What is it Mike? What did your secret Santa get you?

 

MPS: A shoebox full of… maple syrup. 

 

Ted: Hahooo, Somebody really knows about your sweet tooth. Isn’t it crazy how well the three of us know each other? These were all such home runs. Who wants to give these new champagne flutes a test flight…?

 

MPS: It’s a shoebox full of maple syrup. Not bottles of maple syrup, mind you. And the shoebox isn’t lined with anything, nor has it been cleaned. The syrup is full of dust bunnies and what appear to be…dead fruit flies. And now syrup is dripping out of the box directly onto our carpet.

 

Ted: Well you’d better get a spoon and start scarfing before any more of that delicious syrup escapes to the floor!

 

MPS: Alright, I know this breaks protocol but I have to ask; Ted did you get me for Secret Santa? Can you just tell me?

 

Ted: Mike. You know I cannot tell you that. I’m sorry, but those are the rules.

 

Geeps: Really uncool, Mike, and not in the spirit of SS gift giving.

 

MPS: Once again, I’ll remind you to please not refer to Secret Santa as “SS gift giving.” We’ve definitely talked about this. You know what? This is the last year we’re doing this. Three years ago I got a secondhand blazer with used kleenexes in the pockets, last year it was a picture of Harry Connick Jr. with a clearly forged Michael Buble signature, and now a shoebox full of maple syrup. Ted I really think you’ve pulled my name for 3 years.

 

Ted: That blazer was really fucking cool. You looked like Steve McQueen in Bullet.  And so what if Michael Buble signed a picture of Harry Connick Jr?  You never make a mistake? Oh, here’s a question: who was it that said last year at Sunday brunch while eating a Belgian waffle, “Maple syrup is so delicious I could eat a shoebox full of it.” Newsflash, it was you Michael Paul Smith. So maybe–just MAYBE the person who got you did a little thinking and it went unappreciated. Happy secret fucking Santa, gang! Mike didn’t get exactly what he wished for and now the whole party has to suffer! It’s raining in Mikey Land! I guess clouds aren’t cotton candy and rain drops aren’t cherry flavored! You know what, I should leave. Obviously we have very different views on what the holidays are all about. Good evening, sir. Gillian, as always, it’s been a pleasure. 

 

*Ted exits

 

MPS: Oh my god. I… did I really say that thing about maple syrup?

 

Geeps: You did. You actually say that a lot. Like why is a shoebox your go-to measure for fluids? It’s kinda weird. 

 

MPS: Shit. Now that you mention it, I do say that. I said it yesterday about ranch dressing. Wait… but the other gifts. There’s no way he put as much thought into those!

 

Geeps: Those were me. I got you two years in a row for SS gift giving. Nice to know you hate my gifts. Grab your blazer. You’re leaving.

 

MPS: (Interrupting) Don’t call it…(sighs) whatever.

 

—

 

MPS: Ted, have you got any tattoos by any chance?

 

Ted: I do not.

 

MPS: Any distinguishing markings that would set you apart from other people?

 

Ted: Not that I can think of. A doctor once told me I was perfectly average in every way. 

 

MPS: I dedicate this episode to murdering people who annoy us and getting away with it.

 

Ted: That’s pretty dark, buddy. Why does this tea taste like sleepy?

 

MPS: Don’t worry pal, it will all be over soon. The tea I mean. 

 

—

 

“Outtakes”

 

—Fast and Furious 19: Arctic Drift—

 

MPS: Ted is it…it’s “Fast and THE Furious”, right?

 

Ted: I don’t know.

 

MPS: Let’s…let’s say “Fast and THE Furious.” I’m pretty sure…

 

Ted: Yeah, “Fast and THE Furious” right?

 

Luke: Fast and the Furious 19: Arctic Drift. Coming soon to theaters, whether you like it…

 

Ted: Whoa. Sorry it’s just “Fast and Furious.” The first one was “The Fast and the Furious.” But the franchise is “Fast and Furious.” OR “The Fast and the Furious.” So either one.

 

MPS: Oh, ok. Well, in that case, we got it.

 

—

 

MPS: I’m the transporter. The transporter of LIES!

 

Ted: A lorry is a truck, Mike. A lift is an elevator. 

 

MPS: That’s fine. 

 

Ted: That’s fine. There was enough of it in there.

 

—

 

Luke: “Fast and Furious 19: Arctic Drift”–it’ll melt your balls.

 

Ted: I just wanted that as a ringtone.

 

—

 

MPS: This one should keep Ted and me in Pop Tarts for a while. 

 

Ted: We might even be going to Toaster Strudel Town, folks.

 

MPS: Ohhh baby. If we make the right moves. You know, you gotta make your money work for you.

 

—

 

Manny: Turetto, how many muthafuckin’ Coronas did you drink?!

 

—

 

—Shower With Mike 8—

 

GP: Can I have a really picky, annoying note for when you do this later? Can you do ranch dressing and not blue cheese? Thanks.

 

And just so you know it’s kind of rude to show up to someone’s place empty handed. But that’s ok, next time just bring two of whatever you should have brought today.

 

—-

 

We can order something for you too in a bit. Didn’t know if you’d be peckish.

 

—

 

—Monster Truck PSA 3—

 

Luke: Unlike beeping your car horn at them if you find them attractive, or going “Hey! Hey baby! Sweet cakes! Tits! Hey! Bitch! Hey! What’s up, girl? Uhh, WHOA!” 

 

—

 

“Credits”

 

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because Mike loves jazz, and he’s sad he never learned the trumpet.

 

This season of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. This season was also produced in association with our dear friends over at Mischief Media.

 

You can find full credits – including all of our incredible voice talent – plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and look–I know they’re two straight white guys with a podcast. But they’re two of the good ones. So do us a solid.

 

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

 

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

 

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