Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 4, Episode 6 Transcript

October 2, 2023

MPS: Oh. Hello there. Welcome to a special episode of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

 

Ted: Whoa.

MPS: What is it, Ted O’Gorman?

Ted: I just didn’t know this was one of those serious episodes.

 

MPS: What do you mean? It isn’t…

Ted: Oh! Cause you called it a special episode. In those old TGIF sitcoms, that always meant that it was the episode with a serious message. Like the Full House episode when Stephanie’s friend confides that he lives in an abusive home.

MPS: Oh. I was just trying for a tonal shift. I forgot all about your encyclopedic Full House knowledge. 

 

Ted: Plus I’m deep into my bi-annual rewatch.

MPS: You watch the entire Full House series TWICE a year?

 

Ted: And “Fuller House.” Yeah.

 

MPS: Can we just cut this and try it again?

 

Ted: You mean “Cut. It. Out”?

 

MPS: Shut up.

Ted: You got it, dude.

MPS: SHUT. UP! 

 

Ted: Have mercy.

MPS: Forget it. Just play the sketch!

 

—

 

“Hogwarts LA  2”

 

OG: Are you tired of takin’ the 405 to the 10, working for eight hours, and then taking the 10 back to the 405 every day? Does your thrice daily shot of wheat grass just not taste quite as earthy anymore? Well maybe muggle pursuits aren’t enough for you. Baby, it’s time to update that “special skills” section of your acting resume and head on over to Hogwarts LA for some inclusive, yet exclusive, socially conscious and super trendy magical training!

 

Torpey: I did time in Chino for something I didn’t do. Wink. But because Hogwarts L.A. is ok admitting convicted weapons traffickers, I now do wand-based botox. And as a bonus, anytime somebody comes to visit me, we hike Runyon Canyon. Eats up like a good few hours and you don’t have to talk the whole time.

 

GP: Here at Hogwarts LA, every Oscars statue in town is a portkey! I mean…I’ve seen the inside of Meryl Streep’s living room more times than I can count. I’m actually starting to notice that she’s getting sick of all the surprise visits, but…she’s so subtle.

JMI: Hogwarts not only taught me magic, it also taught me how to speak with this cool English accent: “Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge, break to new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.” And scene. Thank you. Kayden Brandon Sunrise, Jr. 6 foot 1. Available on all shoot dates. 

 

OG: Baby, at Hogwarts LA, all the Quiddich matches are frequented by celebrities, usually when their favorite team is on a winning streak. But Jack Nicholson is pitch-side most days. Sometimes the matches get ugly and even result in fly-by shootings!

 

Ted: I enjoy Hogwarts LA, generally. But the Slytherins are weird. They all swear that OJ Simpson will be back on top someday. And I’m starting to believe them! The rest of the school drove him out, but he keeps popping up! I think his Horcruxes are hidden in his sports memorabilia. His death eaters include the remaining members of the Manson family…and M.C Hammer. I do not fuck with those guys.

Jennie Harney Fleming: All the meals at Hogwarts LA are farm to table. And while you enjoy your vegan, gluten-free, locally harvested avocado toast, say hi to our cafeteria ghost: Nearly Skinny Marlon Brando!

 

MPS: I always wanted to get onto the Hogwarts LA Gryffindor Quiddich squad. From my very first memory, I knew that it was my ticket out of my lower-middle-class, midwestern steel town. So I tried and tried. But I just wasn’t very good. I’m five foot nothin’, a hundred and nothin’, without a speck of magical ability. But I paid my way through junior magic school, keeping my grades up, and when I finally got in, I befriended a gruff but well intentioned janitor, who gave me a job and the keys to the basement so I could crash and shower before my shifts. I worked my Quiddich broom to a twig in practices, but I never was allowed to suit up for a real game; until the Quiddich Cup, my senior year, when all my teammates laid their robes on our coach’s desk and volunteered for me to take their place. It worked! I even got to play at the end when the whole crowd started chanting my name! Who’s the wild man now?!

GP: I went to Hogwarts

OG: And I got sorted

Ted: And I got sorted

MPS: And I got sorted

Everyone: Get sorted. For life.

OG: Right on, bra. Have your team reach out to my girl Beverly, and we’ll set it up. You know it. Later.

—

 

“Professional Athlete Boyfriend 3”

V.O: And now we present–a professional athlete…boyfriend.

 

Girlfriend: Hey, you’re home late. 

 

Boyfriend: First of all, let me say good after…good late afternoon.

Girlfriend: It’s 8:00 at night. I just said it’s late. 

 

Boyfriend: On our very first date, I was ineffective and passive.

Girlfriend: You mean our first date, like…a year and a half ago…?

Boyfriend: I was shy and awkward. Not unlike that time I ran into Johnny Unitas as a kid at the mall. I shook his hand and thought “Is this Johhny Unitas? I think he might be dead.” I’m still not sure. But he did say, “Kid, I’m pulling for you.”

Girlfriend: Great story.

Boyfriend: There is just something about eighteen months. Eighteen is a good number. And today, I retire from this relationship.

 

Girlfriend: Oh, really?

Boyfriend: I just want to make clear, first of all, that I take full responsibility for our losses. We weren’t really communicating out there. I was still working on getting all the signals. Sometimes her endless rehashing of conversations with her mother took a toll on me as well. But I tried to stay in there and tough it out for the sake of the team. And I guess now I get to enjoy some of the other sides of living…that because of having a girlfriend…the long dates and so on…I wasn’t able to enjoy.

Girlfriend: Oh is that right? I was preventing you from living? Really?

 

Boyfriend: Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a recent fight we had.

Girlfriend: There are no fans. What are you livestreaming?

Boyfriend: (Interrupting) But when her friend Janet, a woman that, trust me, you would give your right arm to avoid having to talk to, and vice versa, sends a christmas card-that’s only addressed to you-that’s something.

Girlfriend: Again, just me.

Boyfriend: (Interrupting) When everybody down to the doormen, and those fancy retirees that live across the hall from us, remember you with encouraging words such as “Sheesh, she’s in a mood today” – that’s something.

Girlfriend: (Interrupting) Stop talking about me like I’m not here! I’m the only one here.

Boyfriend: (Interrupting) When you have a wonderful would-be-mother-in-law, Ruth Ann, who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter – that’s…that’s really something. So…thank you, Ruth Ann. Life is gonna go on for me, and I’m going to be a happy man.

Girlfriend: I’m leaving this conversation with a LOT of scores to settle.

Boyfriend: Any questions concerning the team and so on, we have my agent Mr. Harvey here.

*A door bursts open.

 

Girlfriend: (Startles) Ah! Where the hell did he come from!?

Boyfriend: (Interrupting) Of course the league — our commissioner who I want to thank. I want to thank everybody up here, as well as my teammates, because they’ve been behind me all the way.

*A crowd of people suddenly enter.

Girlfriend: Wait, you invited the press? Is this a fucking press conference!?

Boyfriend: I want to thank Jonesey for coming out, him and Burnsey who — who stood side by side while I fought a lot of these battles.

Girlfriend: So glad you had such a wide support system. To tell all of our business to.

Boyfriend: Now, of course, part of me will miss the battles and the wars, and I will miss you reporters.

*More people come in, this time with camera lenses going off through to the end..

Girlfriend: You have GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!

Boyfriend: (Cont.) But life goes on. I want to thank the people of Kennedy Fried Chicken, for sticking by me through some of these awkward nights. Staying open late. There’s a saying that goes, treat a man as he could be and he will become what he should be. Over my relationship career, I’ve had five ex-girlfriends who have helped me become better at my craft and have helped me become a better lover in general.

Girlfriend: (Interrupting) Gross.

Boyfriend: (Cont.) Those ex-girlfriends are: Twyla Henrickson, Danielle Puzatellie, Judy Goldberg, Sandy Goldberg, and Lucille Jones. So you don’t have to wonder if I’ll miss it. Absolutely. Absolutely I will. 

 

Girlfriend: Me, or them…? Cause it sounds like…you know what, it doesn’t matter. Why did I have to run out of wine, tonight of all nights?

Boyfriend: (Interrupting) And fans everywhere need to know–you were at the core of what made this relationship remarkable. 

Girlfriend: How’s that now?

Boyfriend: I’ve received more letters from you than I can count. Fan letters that have touched me, made me think, and moved me to act.

Girlfriend: Again–how’s that?

Boyfriend:  (Interrupting) I know without a doubt that I gave everything I had to help us walk away with a win. There were other guys who were more talented but there was no one who could out-prepare me, and because of that I have no regrets.

Girlfriend:  (Interrupting) Ok you’re delusional. And fuck this. I’m outta here. My name’s on the lease, asshole. Get your shit outta here tonight. Move in with my mother, for all I care, since you seem to like her so much.

Boyfriend: (Interrupting) Yet today I consider myself the singlest man on the site of Tindr. And may I say I am not only GGG, but also DTF. And of course I will continue to be a professional athlete. I’ll take a few questions at this time.

V.O: This has been a professional athlete…boyfriend.

 

—

 

“Singing Bully Film Trailer”

 

MPS: Here’s the scoop, folks. We struck gold again.

 

Ted: Fuckin’ A right we did. And you blithering idiots can fund our newest venture. 

 

MPS: We wrote a movie titled, “The Singing Bully: Origins.” So we recorded a trailer for this movie to whet the appetites of investors like you.

 

Ted: Better get on board now, before your dicks stop workin’. 

 

MPS: Exactly. Good pitch, Ted. Here it is. The “Singing Bully: Origins.”

—

Boy: Why are we in a tunnel under the school?

Boy 2: I told you, Ricky. This way’ll be faster.

Boy: But what’s that shadow up ahead?

Boy 2: I…I don’t know…

 

V.O: You’ve seen his trail of destruction…

Carter: Is it better to be safe than sorry? Take on me…

 

V.O: You’ve heard his remarkable singing voice…

Boy 2: It must just be a shadow from outside. Come on, we’re gonna be late!

Carter: 99 red balloons…

 

Boy: It’s not from outside. It’s from down here. And it’s not just a shadow. It’s a boy!

V.O: Now it’s time…

Boy 2: But his voice is…so enticing. I must…

Boy: No! Tony! Don’t go any further!

Boy 2: Ok. Sorry. You’re right.

Carter: HI BOYS!

 

Boys: AHHH!

V.O: To learn about the evil from which he sprung.

 

—

 

Anthony Hopkins: He’s unlike any boy you’ve ever seen. And he’s unlike any THING you’ve ever heard. Do you know what violence sounds like Principal Moskins? It’s beautiful.

 

Principal: How do you know all this?

 

Anthony Hopkins: I’m the one that released him. And now I must correct that mistake.

 

V.O All you have to do to cross him…

 

Carter: Did I hear someone compliment my mellifluous voice?

Boys: Yes, no, kind of, etc.

Carter: Good enough. Here’s another one for ya’s!

 

*He sings Duran Duran’s “Rio” and beats them up.

V.O: Is to cross…his path. The Singing Bully: Origins. Starring Mike O’Gorman as Carter Fredericksburg. And Anthony Hopkins as Doctor-Detective Ron Dingleberry-Fist. Check local listings for showtimes.

 

Boy 2: Keep crawling to the light!

Boy: We’re almost there!

Boy 2: Just keep crawling!

Carter: Gotcha!!!

Boys: AHHH!

 

Boy 2: I never saw Orlando!

 

—

 

“Big Wits”

 

MPS: Audience, Ted and I wanted to do something a little out of the ordinary here and thank the ladies that get us through the day and help us stay sane while we put together this little podcast for you. If you’ve got a glass please raise it as we toast our wonderful wives, Hallie and Gillian. Ladies, we wouldn’t be here without you.

 

Ted: Yup, we’re two lucky fellas.

 

MPS: You ain’t lyin’ pally.

 

Ted: Mike?

 

MPS: Yes, Ted?

 

Ted: May I ask, what first drew you to Gillian?

 

MPS: Well Ted, you may ask. And I’m going to get some flack for this, people are maybe going to think that I’m pandering. But in all honesty it was her sense of humor. And what pray tell drew the moth that is Ted to the flame of Hallie?

 

Ted: Similar answer, bud. It was her off the cuff comments. Her perfect comic timing. She has a wit that I was drawn to. She’s intelligent and funny. She’s got great wit.

 

MPS: That’s the way to say it. Our wives have great wits. 

 

Ted: A big set of wits on those two.

 

MPS: Giant wits. Big beautiful wits! You wouldn’t think those unassuming ladies would go shaking their wits in people’s faces as often as they do. But that’s what makes them great.

 

Ted: I love when I can see a situation unfolding and watch Hallie’s take on it. Like the other day we’re at a bar and Hallie is, of course playing Big Buck Hunter–

 

MPS: Of course Hallie is playing Big Buck Hunter. She’s got a high score to defend.

 

Ted: So this guy comes over and he says–

 

MPS: What did he say, Ted?!

 

Ted: I’m gonna tell you. He said, “You know real hunting is a lot different than this video game.” And so Hallie goes, “Well that shouldn’t surprise you, a real woman is different than that real doll you keep warm at night.”

 

MPS: A classic Hallie witticism. I’ve often admired your wife’s wits. I’m not going to lie.

 

Ted: It was amazing. I felt like I stood there and watched while her wits fell out right in front of this guy. He couldn’t believe it. He just sat there with his stupid face open, like, “I’ve never seen wits like these before.”

 

MPS: And you and I have seen some wits in our time. Summer nights. But man does Hallie have some nice big wits. Hope you don’t mind me saying so.

 

Ted: Oh, not at all. I’m married, not dead, Mike. I’ve certainly noticed Gillian’s wits from time to time. Probably helps that neither of our wives have had children. Kids can ruin a set of wits. Gillian’s wits wouldn’t be as “in your face” if she’d had a kid.

 

MPS: They do stick out. You’d have to be blind not to see them. She’s got some perfect, perky wits. I’ve seen everyone on the dance floor at a wedding stop in their tracks just because she flashed some wit. I was there. That happened.

 

Ted: Well you catch a glimpse of a wit like that, you’d better believe your foxtrot just became the second thing on your mind. The first of course being–that excellent wit staring you down.

 

MPS: Yessir. And I’ll tell you wha–

 

GPS: (Interrupting) Nope! Thats enough. 

 

Hallie: Ted, I’ve put up with your so-called sense of humor for long enough. But I think it’s time to tell you. At the end of the day, your schtick doesn’t really do it for me.

 

Ted: It doesn’t? I thought you…

 

Hallie: (Interrupting) No. I often find myself laying next to you at night, fantasizing about a much more substantial schtick. Perhaps even the schtick of one of my ex-boyfriends. Anything but your tiny, soft, shameful, shameful schtick.

 

MPS: Seems like I’m off the hook, here.

 

GPS: No, Mike. You’re not. Your schtick, while-yeah, above average, is getting pretty tiring to me as well. That’s why I only wanna read your “material” once a month or so. You could use some new moves. Cause that schtick of yours isn’t getting any more innovative. Hallie grab the Scotch and two glasses. We’ve got some drinking to do.

 

MPS: Fuuuuuuuuck.

 

Hallie: You guys are canceled.

 

GPS: Say goodbye. 

 

Ted and Michael: Bye.

 

—

 

MPS: This episode goes out to seat kickers. Thanks for ponying up for the premium seats in a 150 year old broadway theatre, built long before people were as tall as we are. Most of all, thanks for kicking MY FUCKING SEAT YOU INCONSIDERATE FUCKS!

 

Ted: You inconsiderate…

MPS and Ted: Fucks.

 

—

 

—Big Wits—

 

Ted and Michael: Bye.

 

Ted: You wanna play Star Wars Legos? 

 

MPS: Yeah, but we gotta go to my room.

 

Ted: Ok. Gillian hates when we make a mess.

 

—

 

Ted: Mike, we are two lucky lucky fellas.

 

MPS: You ain’t lyin’ pally. We stumbled on a jackpot of…of love?

 

Ted: A diamond mind of the stuff. Mind? Jesus.

 

—

 

Ted: “Well that shouldn’t surprise you, a real woman is different than that real doll you keep warm at night.”

 

MPS: A classic Hallie witticism. 

 

Ted: He’s humpin’ a latex doll in that scenario.

 

MPS: The thing about the witticism is that she didn’t need to explain it that much. She just got him.

 

—

 

“Pro Athlete Boyfriend 3”

 

Ted: What’s “GGG”?

 

MPS: It’s a term. I looked it up today. It’s like, “Game, good…” and somethin’. “Good, game, and giving.” I don’t know. Something like that. It’s a thing.

 

Ted: I am thankful that I don’t have to be on dating sites.

 

—

 

“Singing Bully Film Trailer”

 

Mike O’G: Hi, boys!

 

*Cat meows.

 

Mike O’G: Dusty. You’re gonna have to go in the box if you don’t shut up.

 

—

 

Mike O’G: Hi, boys!

 

*Cat meows.

 

Mike O’G: Dusty. Come on. Get outta here.

 

—

 

“Intro”

 

Ted: Whoa. Maybe it’s like WHOA. Oooh.

 

MPS: Sounds like you’re titillated.

 

Ted: Whoooa.

 

MPS: Can you just try it like, “Whoa.”

 

Ted: Ok.

 

MPS: Like “I was not consulted on this at all.”

 

Ted: Whoa.

 

—

 

“Credits”

 

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because Mike loves jazz, and he’s sad he never learned the trumpet.

 

This season of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. This season was also produced in association with our dear friends over at Mischief Media.

 

You can find full credits – including all of our incredible voice talent – plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and look–I know they’re two straight white guys with a podcast. But they’re two of the good ones. So do us a solid.

 

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

 

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