Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 4, Episode 7 Transcript

October 9, 2023

MPS: Hello to all our internet friends! That came out weird.

Ted: Yeah, that didn’t sound complimentary.

MPS: Nevertheless, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

 

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

 

MPS: Ted, have you ever been hit in the head with a hammer so many times your assailant had to take a break midway through, sit down on the arm of a loveseat, catch his breath and then continue with the other half of the beating?

 

Ted: Nope. I don’t think so. Doesn’t check any boxes. I think I would remember that one. Why do you ask?

 

MPS: Because if you ever, even as a joke, sit on my couch naked again, that scenario will become a reality.

 

Ted: Ok, loud and clear. That prank goes in the “never again” pile. But just so you’re aware I really cleaned my bottom very well before I sat. Like I really got in there and made sure things were good. Like that was a, “guests are coming over” type deep clean.

 

MPS: You’re a very considerate asshole, to clean your own that well. However I must insist you go put pants on. 

 

Ted: Roger that.

 

MPS: Listen to this, won’t you…?

 

—

 

“Russian Mustaches”

 

V.O: And now we present 2 Russian friends about to attend a double-blind date.

Nikolai: Ok, I’m ready. Are you ready?

 

Ilya: I too am ready.

 

Nikolai: Are the girls inside yet?

 

Ilya: Yes they are.

 

Nikolai: How do you know?

 

Ilya: I know because I can see them. Look in the window? See?

Nikolai: I see two women. But how am I to know if…

 

Ilya: Two women, blonde. Gray and black top, Nikolai. Just as they said in the emails.

 

Nikolai: I don’t feel so good. How do I look?

 

Ilya: You look fine, Nikolai.

 

Nikolai: Ilya, you barely looked at me.

 

Ilya: I’ve been looking at you all day.

Nikolai: Check my mustache.

 

Ilya: What for?

 

Nikolai: Crumbs. Do I have crumbs?

 

Ilya: No.

 

Nikolai: No crumbs?

 

Ilya: No crumbs.

 

Nikolai: You’re sure.

 

Ilya: I’m sure. No crumbs. Are you ready?

 

Nikolai: Fruit? Do you see any fruit?

 

Ilya: Fruit?

 

Nikolai: Yes, I had grapes.

 

Ilya: Grapes are not sticky.

 

Nikolai: Do you…?

 

Ilya: You don’t even bite grapes.

 

Nikolai: What?

 

Ilya: You just pop them in!

 

Nikolai: Do you see chips? I had some Lay’s.

 

Ilya: No. Nothing like that. I don’t see remnants of Lay’s potato chips.

 

Nikolai: Pretzels? It was really a trail mix that I made myself…

 

Ilya: There’s nothing. There’s nothing in your mustache. I would tell you if there was.

Nikolai: What about sauce? I had pizza.

 

Ilya: No. Why do you eat so much?

 

Nikolai: I was nervous for date.

 

Ilya: I see.

 

Nikolai: And I was also hungry.

 

Ilya: Yes, obviously.

 

Nikolai: Is there cotton candy?

Ilya: Not a thing. 

 

Nikolai: I stopped by the carnival…They had elephants. 

 

Ilya: I would tell you if there was fucking cotton candy in your mustache!

Nikolai: Is there soup? I had soup.

 

Ilya: I would tell you if there was any food.

 

Nikolai: Ok but is soup a food or is soup a drink?

 

Ilya: It’s a food.

 

Nikolai: Ok, let’s go.

 

Ilya: After you.

 

*They enter the restaurant*

 

Ilya: Hello ladies, so nice to finally meet you. I am Ilya, this is Nikolai.

 

Nikolai: Call me Nik.

 

Ilya: And you must be…Courtney…

Courtney: That’s right.

 

Ilya:  Which makes you…Judith.

 

Judith: Nice to meet you, guys.

 

Ilya: So please, tell us about your…

 

Courtney (Interrupting): Nik, there’s some soup in your ‘stache there.

 

Nikolai (To Ilya): I fucking knew it!

 

Ilya: She is crazy. There is nothing. I looked, Nikolai! What do you want from me? 

 

*They continue arguing.

 

Nikolai: (Interrupting) What kind of person are you? I couldn’t have been clearer with my questions. You didn’t even look! Fuck you!

 

Ilya: Fuck me? FUCK YOU!

 

—

 

“Inappropriate Sports Announcer 2”

 

Bob: Balanger takes the pass from Roy, Gagne will get back in a hurry to defend. Hitters are up 1-0 as we approach the halfway mark of the second period. The game has settled down now quite a bit. A little surprising, especially from the Bullfrogs who really need to win this one in regulation if they’d like to keep their playoff hopes alive. Collins will start the rush coming the other way, but Balanger not giving him much space. They’re pressing pretty hard.

 

Gene: I’ll tell ya Bob, Balanger came over the blue line like a man preoccupied with getting his home out of foreclosure. I’d imagine his wife’s lavish spending and his own gambling have finally caught up with them. And if I’m laying odds, it’s two to one they’ll be divorced before the beginning of next season.

 

Bob: Gene, are you breaking this story? Is Balanger in financial trouble?

 

Gene: How would I know? I was just commenting that the way he crossed the blue line looked like the skating of a man in a hole, clawing at dirt walls, desperate to find a way out. His wife, unaware of the strain she’s putting on her husband, continues her internet shopping craze for anything from jewelry to embossed cigar cutters even though neither of them smoke. Bob, that’s just my insight on a once great player’s fall from grace. 

 

Bob: Weird take, I’d say maybe keep the unfounded theories off the air. We wouldn’t want to alarm any of Balanger’s family if they’re listening. Balanger slips the puck back to Roy and Roy takes a wrist shot that is saved by Ivanov. Ivanov of course won last year’s Vezina trophy. And as predicted he’s had a great start to this season with 32 saves in last week’s game against L.A.

 

Gene: I had the pleasure of meeting Ivanov after that game. We spoke through a translator who I’m certain, is a closeted collector of Precious Moments figurines. No doubt he looks for ones that remind him of significant moments from his grandmother, or babushka’s, life. He feels she was taken too early, even at the ripe old age of 92. No doubt because she provided the structure and boundaries that he craved as a youngster while his mother bounced around from boyfriend to boyfriend trying to substitute for the love SHE didn’t receive from babushka’s late husband, her father. It’s amazing how trauma can be passed down as easily and consistently as genetic traits such as hair color, and eye color. We’re waiting on the puck drop, as a fan has thrown something onto the ice and they’ll have to try that faceoff again.

 

Bob: Gene pull up you’re about to hit the mountain. Hitters are ahead by one, the Bullfrogs are struggling to find a rhythm today. Nagen is still sidelined with a lower body injury. Should rejoin the team next week.

 

Gene: Nagen claims that he tweaked something in practice, but anyone who’s seen him knows the truth.

 

Bob: Gene I beg you not to…

 

Gene: Obvious to even a casual observer that he strained a hamstring while looking at puppies at the pet store in the mall. His glee, too grand to contain, led him to jump up and down while he screamed, “That one likes me! That one likes me!” as his wife Judy begged him to reign it in. Then when he tried to run around inside the store, he slipped on a discarded Annie’s pretzel that was over-buttered. And If I’m a betting man, this is just the excuse the Hitters need to start looking for trade options. And it’s likely that this will be the last season he has a chance to grow a playoff beard, because wherever he ends up will not be a contender. I give it two years before he’s a greeter at a casino or working at a Dodge dealership in his native Newfoundland. 

 

Bob: Jedsun will get to the loose puck and will hope to get the red line and dump it in, as this second line has been on the ice for a while. He does just that and the Bullfrogs will change on the move..

 

*(Whistle) 

 

Gene: That’s gonna be a penalty on Thutterberg. Not a good one to take when you’re chasing a one-goal deficit. He’ll go off for two minutes for high-sticking Grayson, and he’s lucky that Grayson didn’t cut his lip. That could easily have been a four minute double-minor.

 

Bob: Gene could you plea– Wow, that was actually very accurate and pertained only to the game. Thank you Gene.

 

Gene: Bob, the Hitters are on a power play now with their number one unit out there. They get a fairly easy zone entry and will set up. The Bullfrogs penalty kill is excellent at keeping the opposing team’s shooters on the perimeter. Zeitelberg does just that. Blocks a shot and the Bullfrogs will send it all the way down.

 

Bob: That’s Zeitelberg’s third stop of the night. He’s in for a long night against The Hitters who bring the pressure.

 

Gene: Hard to believe he can play like that with his trousers brimming over with rice pudding. 

 

Bob: Gene.

 

Gene: As superstitions go it’s not the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. But it is a stone cold fact: that man will not set one foot on the ice unless his belly and his pants are chock-a-block full of rice pudding. Says it was a habit he cultivated when he was a junior at Michigan. His teammates pranked him by holding him down and violently force-feeding him rice pudding and when Zeitelberg couldn’t possibly stomach any more, they put the remainder of the pudding in his pants. He subsequently had a great game and has done it every game since. Also worth noting is that his sister Camille is an accomplished furniture restorer.

 

Bob: (Off mic) Let’s maybe cut Gene’s mic for a bit.

 

Gene: That should do it for the Hitters power play. They didn’t get much going on it. But when you have the lead, you’re also happy to have two more minutes off the clock against this potent Bullfrogs’ offense. Two minutes left in the period and then both of these teams can return to the dressing rooms.

 

Bob: Lou Falcone will have a lot to say to his underperforming squad. 

 

Gene: Also worth noting is Parkins is out tonight as he’s still hospitalized with what I’m told is a condition called Mandibular scrotum. That’s when the scrotal sack grows a jaw and tries to swallow itself. He’s expected to recover, but no one really knows who’s been watching his pet iguana Paul Atreides. That’s a Dune of a pickle to be in, Simon.

 

Bob: Who is Simon? There isn’t a Simon in the booth! You’ve gone round the bend, Gene. We’ll take a time out here. It’s still 1-0 Hitters.

 

—

 

“Lines Gillian Doesn’t Want 3”

 

GPS: And now we present…lines that I–Gillian Pensavalle…do not want to say.

 

—

GPS: I truly value all of your social media criticism. Keep it coming!

 

—

 

GPS: I ain’t the kind of bitch that punches a clock. Though I do insist Mike puts a time card into an old fashioned steam whistle every time he gives me a foot rub. Those hands are on my time.

—

 

GPS: Every now and again if I drive by a high school, something compels me to walk into the front office and ask the principal to take my son out of class because his father has just been rushed to the hospital. People really don’t know how to deal with not finding an imaginary kid. Also, I should mention I can cry on cue.

—

 

GPS: If you wouldn’t want Gerard Depardieu using your toilet after he celebrates Bastille Day, you definitely don’t want me to use it after I eat a rice crispy treat. 

(Makes an extended fart sound) You know?

 

—

 

GPS: I’m not saying Ted’s mom is low class, but she does give off a real shanty-irish vibe. And I know for a fact his grandmother was a piece of shit. I met her once before she died. Only wish I’d done the deed myself.

 

—

 

GPS: My P.O’s bein’ a real twat about lettin’ me leave town for a day or two.

 

—

 

GPS: Does anyone else have no feeling at all when they’re forced to look at some dumb bitch’s baby pictures? I get it Margot. Don finally missed your asshole.

 

—

 

GPS: Ted Bundy? (Whispers), Yeah he’s actually hot.

 

—

GPS: This has been…lines that I–Gillian Pensavalle…did not want to say.

 

—

 

“Dog Cheese Face Mask”

 

V.O: This episode is brought to you by “Dog Cheese Face Mask.” For the demure dog in your life that you just want to love you a little bit more. Just don a dog cheese face mask and it’ll be like you’re coming home from a long trip every time! 

 

Man: Hey Fido. I’m home. Recognize me? Whoa! You do! Alright! Oh, that’s my guy. Easy there! Ow! Ow. Ouch! That…you’re biting now. You’re about to have dinner. Ouch. Off! Stop it! Stop it!

V.O: Get the attention and validation that you deserve from your K9 pal today with a mask that will capture their interest more than just your regular face, which…let’s face it, it…it’s nothin’ special. Dog Cheese Facemask. And coming soon: dog beef face mask, dog salmon facemask, and other dogs’ anuses face mask! From Tyburn Industries

 

—

“Bee or Candy”

 

MPS: Hey fam…so where to begin…Ted has invented a new game that we’re very excited to share with you. This is Ted’s brainchild. I wanna make that very clear. Wanna tell the people what this game is called, Ted? 

 

Ted: Sure do, Mike. It’s called Bee or Candy.

 

MPS: There it is. Now, Ted is currently blindfolded and he will have to decide if what I hand him is either a live bee or a piece of candy. In our tech rehearsals for this game, Ted always resolved his decision by placing either the bee or the candy in his mouth. It’s excruciating to watch when it is in fact a bee, but he enjoys the anticipation. And we’re hoping the audio will be interesting either way. Ted, are you ready?

 

Ted: I am, Mike. I feel good about this. I think my luck is due for a change.

 

MPS: Alright here goes. I’ve placed a jar before you. (Light buzzing) You may now open the jar and start feeling around. At this point I’ll ask you to think about why I placed the item in a sealed jar. Candy cannot fly away, Ted. I wouldn’t need to cover the jar if it only had a piece of candy in it.

 

*Ted unscrews the jar and buzzing is heard

 

MPS: First thoughts?

 

Ted: Well I can hear buzzing, which right off the bat makes me think bee. 

 

MPS: Very good…

 

Ted: But then again this could be a new kind of candy that buzzes.

 

MPS: That’s not a thing, I assure you.

 

Ted: This one is too close to call. It feels like either a bee… or a piece of candy that has all the properties of a live and angry bee.

 

MPS: Just by touch, without placing the item in your mouth, please take a guess. You know what? If you wanna just make your guess now, we can call the game right here.

 

Ted: I’m just…I’m just not entirely sure, man. I’m gonna have to go mouth-in on this one.

 

 MPS: Ted, I’m asking you as a friend. Please refrain from placing what is in your hand in your mouth. I just didn’t think it would be this much of a challenge, even for you.

 

Ted: Someone’s a little too concerned about me putting this in my mouth. What’s your game, Smith? You know I’ll figure it out as soon as I give this a taste test. And away we go.

 

*Ted is instantly stung by the bee

 

Ted: Bee! It’s a bee! Unless…wait, is this stinging candy?

 

MPS: It’s not stinging candy. That also is not a thing.

 

Ted: Oooooh that hurts. That really smarts. It’s like spiky licorice that tastes like a bee.

 

MPS: Folks if you’re still listening, I’d like to reiterate that Ted invented this game and to date is the only person that has attempted it. I don’t even think he wants anyone else to attempt it. He just has a weird thing for playing this game in front of an audience

 

Ted: Mike, you got any ice cream pal? The tongue’s starting to swell up a little bit. 

 

MPS: Sure buddy. Folks, this has been Bee or Candy.

 

Ted: Wanna play “Ice Cream or Scorpion”?

 

MPS: Nope. Never again.

 

—

 

MPS: This episode goes out to silence. It’s crucial to your mental health, and certainly at a premium when you live in a city, or have kids, or are friends with Ted…

Ted: I bet you thought I was gonna say something just then.

MPS: (Interrupting) Gahhhh! So close! You were doin’ so good.

Ted: (Interrupting) Almost had it.

 

MPS: Yeah, almost had it big guy. Yeah. Great. Keep…keep tryin’.

 

Ted: I will.

 

—

 

“Outtakes”

 

—Bee or Candy—

 

Ted: Mike…MIKE….Aaaaaaaaah.

 

MPS: And suddenly he’s Jerry Lewis. Fantastic.

 

Ted: Yup. There we are.

 

MPS: Thanks pal.

 

—Lines That Gillian Doesn’t Want 3—

 

GPS: Mike, change your shirt. You smell like a veterinary O.R. after a bovine hysterectomy.

 

—

 

—Inappropriate Sports Announcer 2—

 

MPS:  Also worth noting is Parkins is out tonight as he’s still hospitalized with what I’m told is a condition called Taint Graffiti. 

 

—

 

MPS: With a condition called Yodeling Nipples.

 

—

 

MPS: With a condition called Whistling Taint.

 

—Russian Mustaches—

 

MPS: How do I look?

 

Ted: Is this ok Russian accent? This is pretty stupid.

 

—

 

MPS: Fruit? Do you see any fruit?

 

Ted: Fruit?

 

MPS: Yes, I had grapes.

 

Ted: Grapes are not sticky.

 

MPS: I like how annoyed you are. 

 

Ted: He just wants to get inside and meet these girls. It’s the first American women he’s met since he was let off K19 The Widowmaker.

 

MPS: That’s quite a tale.

 

—

 

MPS: Fruit? Do you see any fruit?

 

Ted: Fruit?

 

*MPS laughs

 

Ted: You really love this sketch!

 

MPS: You’re doing so good, man. You’re really REALLY listening. It sounds like you’re really answering. Like…you’re so incredulous. Like…how could you have fruit…? It’s so ridiculous.

 

—

 

“Credits”

 

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because Mike loves jazz, and he’s sad he never learned the trumpet.

 

This season of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. This season was also produced in association with our dear friends over at Mischief Media.

 

You can find full credits – including all of our incredible voice talent – plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and look–I know they’re two straight white guys with a podcast. But they’re two of the good ones. So do us a solid.

 

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

 

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