Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 4, Episode 8 Transcript

October 16, 2023

MPS: Listeners! How the hell are ya? Welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

 

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

MPS: Ted, why don’t you tell the people about our first sketch?

Ted: Sure. This one’s a little different. When we had a livestream to celebrate the release of Season 3 last year, we asked you attendees for a title of a sketch that doesn’t exist yet, and we promised we’d write one for season 4 inspired by that title. 

 

This…is that sketch.

 

—

 

“The Day We Invented Cutlery”

 

Sally: Welcome to another episode of “Creating With Creatives.” In this week’s episode, I’ll be chatting with Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith. They’re lifelong friends that have written and produced a great many projects, most recently the fourth season of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” Hi guys.

T + M: Hey Sally, etc.

Sally: Ted and Michael, what was the very first thing you…created together.

M: That’s a great question, Sally. A lot of people, yourself included, would probably have thought that our first collaboration, way back in high school, would have been a one act play, a short story, maybe even a student film of some kind…

T: But no.

M: It wasn’t.

 

T: It really wasn’t.

Sally: Well, please guys. My listeners need to know. What was it?

T: Sally, we invented something that changed the world. It didn’t get any laughs, or elicit any tears. We didn’t make a dime off of it, although Christ knows we could have.

M: We made it, and gave it to the people. This…was our…polio vaccine.

 

Sally: (On the edge of her seat) Incredible…tell us…

 

T: We were the first people that combined the usage of both knife…and fork. Together.

M: You might say that…we invented cutlery. Boom! What’s good.

 

T: Right, because that word was not necessary prior to our invention. You wouldn’t have had to say “cutlery.” It was just, knife, fork, spoon. You got one pick and you stuck with it. Fewer dirty dishes, sure. But at what cost, Sally?

 

M: Then we came along. Couple ‘a kids, sat down at the ‘ol lunch table, and thought…let’s change this whoooooole game.

 

Sally: You really think that you…I mean, you really invented modern cutlery, huh?

M: Before us, it was unresourceful, chaotic, and downright messy. But you remember those years, Sally, don’t you? When the fat cats that run things told us how to utensil? Those bastards love puttin’ people in boxes. Well we weren’t going into no box.

Sally: I…

 

M: You’d walk into a restaurant, and they’d present you with a giant bowl of mixed silverware, with a giant bouncer standing over it, glaring at you. And above him was a sign with a skull and crossbones: “ONE PER CUSTOMER.” And you’re thinkin’ “Well, I wanted to start with the chowder, but then a nice medium-well T-bone steak would’ve hit the spot. NOW what do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!

T: Medium-well destroys the flavor of the T-bone.

M: Shut up, Ted. I was…

T: I’m just saying. It’s not respectful of the chef, and the animal, quite frankly. Just move on…

*They argue

M: This is not the point. Drink some cucumber water. 

 

T: You don’t like steak, then!

 

Sally: And what restaurant are you describing?

M: All of them, keep up, Sally. The point is…we fixed it. Those bouncers are checking id’s at bars now, or roughing up gamblers indebted to the mafia. They’re not policing our…rightful cutlery anymore. And since our innovation, the industry has exploded! Butter knives, forks just for cake and salad, knives just for steak, spoons just for soup! Shrimp has its own fork for Christ’s sake! 

 

T: Now that we don’t have to choose  just one, all those specialty dishes are comin’ outta the woodwork.

Sally: Let me just, rewind for a moment here. You’re saying that there was some kind of law that prevented people from using more than one piece of cutlery at a time, up until you met each other in high school?

*T+M laugh

M: Sally, you’re talking like you weren’t there. I mean, we’re about the same age.

T: Mike, she’s doing it for the benefit of her listeners. Act like you’ve done this before!

M: (To Ted) Sorry. Good point.

Sally: I’m afraid that’s just about all the time we have.

M: Time? It’s a podcast. I thought runtimes don’t matter.

Sally: They do. (To the listeners) What you’ve just heard is a…just a bananas, and deadly serious debate between two writing partners. You know what they say about the line between genius and madness. Although having met them in person, and witnessed the debate first hand, I’m certainly leaning in one direction in my opinion of them. Nevertheless, thanks for listening to “Creating with Creatives.” I’m Sally Jennings. And one more thing… 

 

Ted: Sally, thanks again for having us as guests on your podcast. Your mother has a lovely basement. Thanks to all of you at home for listening to the true story of when Mike and I decided to combine the cutting power of a knife and the stabby power of a fork. 

 

MPS: (To Ted) I don’t think she believes you.

 

Ted: Ummm…I have a degree in history from Queens College, Sally. Yeah that’s right. QUEENS. COLLEGE. Did I stutter?! So, yeah…I think I know what I’m talking about.

Sally: I’m not recording anymore.

T+M: Oh, really, etc.

Sally: Yeah. Sally gets the last word on her own show, guys. So sorry.

T+M: Oh, ok, etc.

 

M: You didn’t even plug your socials.

 

Sally: They know them. They just don’t follow you.

 

M: Oh.

 

Ted: Ok. We’ll Uber.

 

—

 

“Monster Truck PSA 4”

 

V.O: BROS! Are your biceps made of granite? Does your core look like it was molded after a Greek statue? Well let’s put those muscles to work and HOLD THE DOOOOOOOOR!!! When someone is walking behind you to enter the same building, don’t let the door swing closed in their faces. That’s a move for men with low-gain chest-days. It’s more badass to show how light the door is and HOLD IT OPEN FOR THE PERSON FOLLOWING YOU. Wanna win a gold medal at the “Sick Dude Olympics?” When you’re in the elevator and someone is rushing to catch it HOLD THE DOOR!!! You can stick your arm out and physically hold the door or you can PUSH THE BUTTON WITH AN ICON OF OPEN DOORS! One says strength, the other says intellect! HOLD THE DOOR!!!

 

—

 

“Exaggerated Voices”

 

Becky: Hi Arnold.

 

Arnold: Hey.

 

Becky: What’s goin’ on?

 

Arnold: Nothing. Just looking forward to celebrating another “wet chicken parm sandwich” day here at Frogtown High. Fuck this place.

 

Becky: Why does the school have to have us at these giant tables so we can’t even avoid sitting with the kids we don’t like? 

 

Arnold: And what’s worse, we are CURSED with having the same four kids we don’t like sit with us at every opportunity!

 

Becky: I know. They always find each other. It’s like they sniff out other annoying personalities.

 

Arnold: Oh, they synchronized their schedule. I have no doubt.

 

Becky: Johnny always walks a little faster than the rest of them, talking to himself.

 

Arnold: “Gee that lightbulb needs to be replaced (Fake sneezes).

Aristotle was a good philosopher and also a playwright (Fake coughs and slobbers). 

 

Becky: And then Harriett’s right on his heels, talking to no one in particular. (Grating voice) “I wish I could go out this weekend. I have work. Look, it’s raining outside. Gross.”

 

Arnold: And don’t forget Calvin.  “Ohhhh! Lookadis. Chicken parm, they oughta serve this up once a week, Eyyyyyyahooooooo! Get it? BECAUSE THEY DO SERVE IT ONCE A WEEK! BADA BEEP BADDA BAPP, BADDA BOOP!”

 

Becky: Exactly! He’s always explaining his jokes!

 

Arnold: And discussing Italian food, yeah.

 

Becky: And what about Stewart? (English accent) “Has anyone completed the maths assignment? I thought it was pretty easy, myself, then again my mind has always been predisposed to be good with numbers. After All, my ancestor was a navigator for Nelson at Trafalgar.”

 

Becky: “My doctor says I’m gifted and shan’t need to stay in this wretched institution much longer.”

 

Arnold: As God is my witness, I’m willing to shit my pants right now to keep them away. Spending the rest of the school day with everyone in this high school knowing I shit my pants in the cafeteria would be better than listening to them for twenty minutes.

 

Becky: They’re coming. They’re coming.

 

Arnold: Shit. 

 

Johnny: Arnold. Becky. Good afternoon to you both. Would either of you like a tissue? I keep several packs in my pockets at all times, as I’m sure you are aware. Because we’re best friends.

Arnold and Becky: Hi Johnny. 

 

Calvin: Mind if we sit?

 

Becky: (Sighs) Sure.

 

Stewart: I say, these chairs are dreadfully uncomfortable. That’s no way to treat children. I daresay, my uncle had better accommodations when he was captured and sent to Colditz.

 

Calvin: OH! THIS CHICKEN PARM IS P—-ARMAZING, AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT, BIDDA BEEP BADDA BAPP, BADDA BOOP! BECAUSE THE VOWEL SOUND IN “PARM” IS KINDA  LIKE THE VOWEL SOUND “A” IN “AMAZING.” Look at all that mozz!

 

Johnny: I don’t know. Mine’s a little soggy. (Sneezes) Tutankamen was a pharaoh. (Sneezes and slobbers). The ancient Egyptians invented beer. (Coughs loudly). I don’t know if you’re aware. I read it this morning on my daily fact calendar and I thought it would be an interesting conversation starter.

 

Stewart: I forgot my crisps. Anyone have an extra bag of crisps? I have surmised through sampling that Lays are the superior crisp to Wise.  And why hasn’t the HeadMaster reviewed my request for malt vinegar in the dining hall? We’re children, not RAF officers being held in a stalag. You know my great uncle Reggie flew during the war. 

 

Johnny: I quite agree, Stewart. The Wise potato chips tend to be a little blander (Wheezes and coughs).

 

Calvin: Oh! Even the name is blander. I’d rather be laid than wise! See that’s a joke about desiring sex over intelligence. OH! Bang! Boom! Bay Ridge! Hey! Oh!

 

Harriett: This room has a echo. My feet feel swollen. Probably from all the salt. Not from the echo. Echoes don’t swell your feet.

 

Calvin: This lunch would be better if it was a nice bowl of cacio e pepe! HEYYYYAHOWWWWAHEEEEE.

 

Stewart: (Laughs) I never know what the devil you’re on about! But I dare say this meal would be finished best with a Cambridge burnt cream! Scrumptious!

 

Calvin: Hey Joanne! A round of milks for me and my friends. Yeah, you love it.

 

*The bell rings for a fire drill, and the noise swells*

 

Teacher: Children, this is a fire drill. Let’s all file out in an orderly fashion…

 

Arnold: Oh thank the fuck Christ.

 

Becky: I wish it wasn’t a drill.

 

—

 

“Fraud Kits: My Immediate Supervisor Has Been Embezzling Funds”

 

V.O: Hi there mid level executive. Your boss really loves taking credit for your hard work, doesn’t he? He closed that big new merger based on your analysis of the deal. The corporate structure is designed to keep you in your current station in life. Yet somehow, he wines and dines his way up the ladder. But what if there was a way to take out your competition? Introducing Tyburn Industries’ “My Immediate Supervisor has been Embezzling Funds” fraud kit. Our patented fraud kit will leave no doubt in the executives’ minds that your supervisor has been using company money to fund a lavish private life. The evidence of embezzlement will be so real that the S.E.C. will use it to sentence your immediate supervisor to 4 to 5 years in a medium security facility and restitution to the tune of $246,000. Now that’s some payback!

 

Your kit will include documents forged with your supervisor’s signature. A fraudulent set of company books that can’t account for…you guessed it...$246,000. Fake travel receipts attributed to your supervisor’s many business trips. And thanks to Tyburn Industries, many of these trips will appear to lack approval. We’ll also produce email records that show your supervisor was involved in a high end sex ring, thus destroying his home life. So, instead of interactions like this:

 

Evans: Gail, I need that Rockland memo on my desk by tomorrow morning. I don’t care how late you have to stay to finish it. I’m off to the club.

V.O: You’ll enjoy something a little different.

 

FBI agent: Hello, are you Gail Johnson? I’m FBI special agent Regina Winters, White Collar Division. We’ve just taken your supervisor, a Mr. James Evans in for questioning. We believe he’s embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from your company. We got an anonymous call and…

 

Gail: It’s not anonymous anymore. I did it. I made the call. And it goes way north of tens of thousands. Please take a look at this file I’ve been keeping on Mr. Evan’s comings and goings. I think It’s all you’ll need to put that bastard away for a long time. 

 

FBI: Thank you Gail. I’m sure this will be a real help. Here’s my card. If you can think of anything else please don’t hesitate to call. And I’ll be sure to let the board know what you’ve done here. You may have saved this company from becoming Mr. Evan’s personal piggy bank.

 

Gail: Wait! Agent Winters, please when you get to the pictures from the sex club he was in, think of his family. He’s probably just a sick man who couldn’t control himself, even with a pregnant wife at home. 

 

FBI: That son of a bitch is going to get his ass nailed to the wall.

 

Gail: Well, whatever you think is best.

 

V.O: From there, all you’ll have to do is stand behind the one way glass and watch the fireworks…

 

FBI : Evans, I’ve got enough evidence to put you in prison until you’re 70. Rich white boy like you is gonna be someone’s little puddin’ cup within your first 24 hours inside. Of course, you could just make this easy and cop a plea. I’m feel’n generous today.

 

Evans: I… please. I didn’t do any of this. I might be an asshole, but I’m not a criminal. And I don’t belong to a sex club. I love my wife.

FBI: DON’T PISS IN MY EAR WITH ALL YOUR BULLSHIT, Your secretary blew the whistle. We’ve got a whole file on you! Lock the door, Garcia.

 

*Door locks

 

Evans: Why did the light just go off on the camera? Please don’t hit me. Why are you rolling up your sleeves?

*FBI starts choking Evans

 

FBI: Whaddaya gotta say now? Huh? WHADDAYA GOTTA SAY NOW!? MAYBE SOMEONE’S GOING TO FEEL REAL GUILTY AND HANG HIMSELF WITH A BEDSHEET LATER TODAY!!!

 

V.O: Tyburn industries guarantees that in a few short months you’ll laugh as your supervisor changes his plea to guilty in order to reduce his sentence. He’ll also make a tearful apology to everyone he’s alleged to have hurt including his now ex-wife. Then all you have to do is wait for the day at work when the CEO says…

 

CEO: Gail Gail Gail. We’re damn lucky you were there to spot what was going on. That man is a huckster! That bastard could have ruined us. I’ve known his old man for years. That boy is a disgrace to his mother and father. 

 

Gail: Well, he did it to himself.

CEO: You’re damn right he did. And now we’d like you to fill his vacant position. Please know you’re a valued employee and we believe the sky is the limit for you. You are just the plum pie at the blue ribbon party.

 

Gail: Thank you, Mr. Peterson. And thank you Fraud Kits! I’m finally a winner!

 

V.O: Fraud Kits. Buy Before You lie.

 

—

 

Ted: This episode goes out to the guy on the subway who needs to listen to his music without earbuds. He just holds his phone up close to the side of his head and blasts his tunes at full volume for all to hear. Thanks man.

 

MPS: Fuck that guy. And if his parents are still alive, fuck them too. They didn’t raise him right. 

 

Ted: Amen, brother.

 

—

 

“Outtakes”

 

MPS: Fuck that guy. And if his parents are still alive, fuck them too. They didn’t raise him right. 

 

Ted: And then can you say, “And fuck Rush”?

 

MPS: And fuck Rush, by the way.

 

Ted: Amen, brother.

 

Chelsey: I have a giant Rush poster behind me. 

 

Ted: I really have nothing against them, I just thought the Tom Sawyer reference was funny. And if you can work Neil Peart’s name into something, it’s great.

 

—

 

—Exaggerated Voices—

 

MPS: I’m on a slightly new medication. I’m taking an extra Claritin. It seems to be working wonders. 

 

—

MPS: My c-pap machine is due to arrive today. I’m so excited. I’m all ATwitter.

 

—

 

MPS: It’s a little soggier now. Tutankhamen was a pharaoh.

 

—

 

MPS: This sinus infection that I’ve had for 7 years is nothing compared to the rash on…you fuck! This sinus infection that I’ve had for 7 years is nothing compared to the rash on my bottom. We have to order special medicated lotion from China for that.

 

—

 

MPS: The doctor that did my sleep study said he’s never had a patient stop breathing so much and still be alive. My mom says that makes me special.

 

—

 

—Fraud Kits: My Immediate Supervisor Has Been Embezzling Funds—

 

Torpey: We are all just hanging out in Gail’s pigpen watchin’ her eat the hay. We’re not even touching the slop. It is all for Gail. 

 

—

 

MPS: Here I go again. On my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever known. 

 

Ted: Is the objective to just get as many songs stuck in people’s heads as possible?

 

MPS: Like a drifter I was born to walk alone, Ted. 

 

Chelsey: I was just about to ask if you were a drifter! You took my moment.

 

MPS: Sorry, Chelse.

 

Chelsey: It’s ok. In about twenty minutes, I’ll have…

 

MPS: Have you made up your mind? Huh?

 

Chelsey: Been wastin’ so much time. 

 

MPS: There it is!

 

—

 

“Credits”

 

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because Mike loves jazz, and he’s sad he never learned the trumpet.

 

This season of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. This season was also produced in association with our dear friends over at Mischief Media.

 

You can find full credits – including all of our incredible voice talent – plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and look–I know they’re two straight white guys with a podcast. But they’re two of the good ones. So do us a solid.

 

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

 

—