Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 4, Episode 11 Transcript

November 6, 2023

MPS: Hello hello! Welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

 

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

 

MPS: So Ted here’s the pitch: It’s a sketch where we’re basically ourselves, but we host a comedy radio show during the 1940s. Gives us a chance to play with the humor that was popular during that era and do some old-timey voices. Kind of like the Martin and Lewis inspired sketch from last season.

 

Ted: The 40s? When in the 40s specifically? 

 

MPS: I don’t know, I didn’t think that was super important. Let’s call it ‘44.

 

Ted: Well you’ll be hosting that show by yourself.

 

MPS: Why?

 

Ted: I’ll be in Europe fighting the Nazis. You may be ok not defending your country. Not me. I bleed red white and blue. Presumably you paid a draft board doctor to classify you 4F. Typical. You probably were runnin’ around your house sandin’ it down to pin-up girls while I was in parachute school. After all, why would you want to disrupt your lavish radio star lifestyle to risk life and limb to serve Uncle Sam? Oh and I’m just now remembering that your grandfather was German. What’s wrong Mike, can’t go against the Fatherland in case they win? Hedging your bets by not picking a side? Let me tell you something. The only good kraut is on my hotdog while I’m watching Joltin Joe Dimaggio hit one out of Yankee Stadium! 

 

MPS: Well, ok. DiMaggio wasn’t really a home run hitter, but uh…you know what, those are some things to think about. How about we change it to ‘49?

 

Ted: ‘49? Yeah I can do ‘49. That’s a completely different story.

 

MPS: Except I’ll still be hosting alone.

 

Ted: Why? Mikey the war was over by ‘49. I’m back stateside, baby.

 

MPS: Sadly, Ted. You died.

 

Ted: You’re saying I died during the war?

 

MPS: No you never even saw combat. You worked as a mess hall dishwasher. Came back without a scratch. You died breaking your neck in a violent fall down the subway stairs after your old radio partner intentionally pushed you and then paid a cop to say the stairs were icy and it was an act of God.

 

Ted: So, ‘44 you said? That works, I can do ‘44

 

MPS: That’s what I thought.

 

—

 

“Hogwarts LA 3”

 

OG: Are you tired of takin’ the 405 to the 10, working for eight hours, and then taking the 10 back to the 405 every day? Does your thrice daily shot of wheatgrass just not taste quite as earthy anymore? Well maybe muggle pursuits aren’t enough for you. Baby, it’s time to update that “special skills” section of your acting resume and head on over to Hogwarts LA for some inclusive, yet exclusive, socially conscious and super trendy magical training!

 

Torp: At Hogwarts LA, once you pass your broom class you’ll never have to wait in traffic again. You can just fly over all those stupid muggles with glee. And guess what; our brooms are emission free! You’ll get to your destination quickly, and feel good about your role in healing our planet.

JJC: My whole life I wanted to be the next great extreme sports athlete. My adrenaline chasing ended when my chute didn’t open and I splashed down in The Santa Clara river. My spine was shattered, my skull made a popping sound, and part of my brain leaked out my ear. But thanks to the Hogwarts infirmary they regrew my bones, then they took pity on me and let me stay on as a house elf! 

 

OG: Buddy boy, at Hogwarts, your headshots move! It’s like having a second reel! Which is great, cause most of my clients don’t even have a first reel!

Anxious person: I love all my professors here at Hogwarts LA. Except for professor Larry David. He’s always prowling the halls, and correcting people’s etiquette with his “unwritten rules.”  One time he caught me drawing on my desk, and he made me sit in detention for five hours, writing, ‘I will respect wood’ over and over.” My magic quill ran out. Pretty pretty pretty bad. Bald asshole.

 

MPS: I wasn’t sure if Hogwarts LA was for me. Then I toured the campus. Tupac’s ghost lives in the upstairs bathroom! When he’s not on tour, that is. I saw him live in 2011. I thought it was a hologram. It was NOT.

Hallie: I went to Hogwarts LA to see if any of the halls of wisdom and prophecy could tell me what Steve Guttenberg is up to. I still haven’t found out. (To the crew) Do you guys know?

 

GP: I went to Hogwarts

OG: And I got sorted

Ted: And I got sorted

MPS: And I got sorted

Everyone: Get sorted. For life.

 

OG: Yup yup. West side.

—

 

“Adventurous Friends”

 

V.O: And now we present a sexually adventurous group of friends ordering brunch.

*Restaurant/mild crowd noise

 

Al:  I’ll have two eggs over easy, home fries, no toast, bacon, crispy but please not burnt, and I know that’s a fine line, but your best effort will be fine. And are those free range eggs? Because I can’t with those factory eggs anymore. 

 

Server: They…are not.

 

Al: No? Ok. I guess I’ll just have the pancakes. Now, I know a lot of people think this is crazy, but I’d like a side of ranch. I get it-you think I’m nuts. But they do it in Denmark all the time. OMG guys did I tell you about my trip to Denmark? Jessica, you were there. You were the only London Bridge in Denmark!

*They all laugh. 

 

Jessica: That reminds me! I owe Sven a call! You know he let me keep that dog collar. Such a lovely culture. Very giving. Also not bad at taking. Wink, wink.

 

Al: Beautiful scenery. And the memories! (To the server) Oh! And a black coffee. I need to wake myself up for round two! Thank you so much.

Server: And for you?

 

Tim: I’ll have the breakfast delight special but can I substitute bacon for the sausage?

 

Server: I don’t think so.

 

Tim: Ok well it really should say no substitutions on your menu. Oh! Jessica, when you let me thump my penis on your belly like it was a hollow log this morning, I felt like I was doing a number that Baloo would be singing in the Jungle Book! It was erotic and it brought back a favorite Disney movie memory, so thanks!

 

Al: That was hilarious. I laughed so hard I almost finished!

Jessica: Glad you didn’t! That would have been a waste of those seven viagra I snuck into your protein shake before we started.

 

*Al stands up

 

Al: Is that why this is still going on?! Don’t touch it. It’s very very sensitive. Those are not pleats.

 

Jessica: Yup. You’ll have that little teepee for about three more hours! I just love dosing people!

 

Server: I’m sorry, I actually think we can do substitutions. Can you guys like…

 

Tim: Oh, that’s great. Then yes, the breakfast delight special with the bacon instead of the sausages.

 

Jessica: Nick, when I used your penis to stir my cocoa and then told you to stay in the corner until Mommy spanked you back into the game, I thought you were really crying!

 

Nick: I really was crying!

Jessica: That’s good to know. (To server) I’ll just start with the largest glass of water you have. I’m very dehydrated. And then, I know it’s early but can you do a reuben? 

 

Server: Yeah our lunch menu is available.

 

Jessica: Good, I’ll have a reuben with extra kraut and two ramekins of russian dressing on the side, onion rings instead of fries. And could you check with your kitchen and see if they’d be willing to part with a length of twine that is strong enough to restrain a grown man even as he howls to be released? Thank you so much.

 

Al: Oh, good call. I almost forgot to ask about the twine. Sorry, we’re trying something later. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go try and poop this condom.

Server: Why don’t I…I’ll be right back with your drinks.

V.O: This has been a sexually adventurous group of friends ordering brunch.

—

 

“Basting Denim”

 

GPS: And now we present something no one asked for: Lost commercials from the 1990’s. Why are we doing this again…?

MPS: Because Geeps, it’s important to learn from history, even recent history. And what are we here for, if not to educate?

GPS: Whatever. Just roll it.

 

Surfer dude: Whooaaaaaa, you dudes are all wearing tired old jeans! Grass stains, holes in the knees! What gives?

 

Bunch of kids: What?, These are cool, etc.

 

SD: You think you look cool, but you look like everyone else! Don’t you wanna stand out from the crowd?

 

BOK: Yeaaah!

 

SD: Then you gotta check out Basting Denim! The only jeans you break in by roasting in the oven at 400 degrees and basting every 20 minutes with chicken broth. Then after cooking for 3 hours, put on while they’re still hot! The jeans mold to your body and you’ll smell like a rotisserie chicken!

 

BOK: Whaaaat, So cool, I love chicken. Using an oven and basting a pair of jeans is easy and safe even if mom and dad aren’t home, kids as young as 5 can do it!

 

SD: So if you’re no chicken (cowardly chicken bok-bok) then you’d better start basting! Basting Denim: the only jeans you cook hot to look cool!

 

Ted: I can see why that one didn’t make it. 

 

MPS: Just think of how hot the rivets would have been! It boggles the mind! And yet, in 1997 I bought a pair.

 

Ted: Wow, all the kids I knew that got Basting Denim either died or lived out the last of their severely burned days in insane asylums and could never smell chicken again without clawing at their horribly scarred thighs.

 

MPS: Yup, so many of us 90s kids lost friends to Basting Denim. They smelled great, looked great in the commercial, but trying on 400 degree jeans that have been diligently basted with chicken broth every 20 minutes for 3 hours isn’t safe. And, of course we know that now. But we didn’t know that at the time.

 

Ted: During the 1990’s there was absolutely no way of knowing that putting normal jeans in a 400 degree oven and soaking them in hot chicken broth through rigorous basting would be dangerous. So how’d you survive and not go mad?

 

MPS: Oh, I used a crock pot, Ted. And I set it to low. That way there was no basting. My jeans braised slowly over an 8 hour period. And that freed up 14 year old me for a torrent of masturbation. I mean I really whittled it down. And then, after 8 hours, when I awoke from my post self-coital nap, the crock pot had turned itself to a keep warm setting, thereby allowing the pants to rest and cool slightly. So when I finally did try on my jeans, they were a cool one hundred degrees. No burns for this guy!

 

Ted: Yup. There he is, folks. The smartest guy I ever met. 

 

GPS: This has been Lost 90’s commercials. And again all I ask is… why?

 

—

 

“Song Lyrics Misunderstood By Arnold”

 

V.O: And now we present–Song Lyrics Misunderstood by Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

 

A.S. Of course, when I came to this country I didn’t speak much English. I used Movies, T.V. and especially music to learn the language. But even after getting comfortable with English I would still find new words or concepts and think, “maybe they’re uniquely American…” I didn’t realize that more often than not I had simply misunderstood a conversation or the lyrics to a song. Take Carly Simon’s incredible song “You’re so Vain” from 1971. I thought the lyric was “I had some dreams, there was Klaus in my coffee. Klaus in my coffee. You’re so vain.” I thought, “That’s insane. What’s this man doing in Carly Simon’s coffee? How big is this cup of coffee? How small is this Klaus she sings of?” I hoped the coffee wasn’t too hot, or it could hurt Klaus. Is this how Americans want to treat German-Austrian men? It felt terrible. I called my mother in Austria and said, “I think I’ve made a horrible mistake. Carly Simon and other Americans want to put people like me into large cups of coffee.” And of course she just said, “I told you so.’” I didn’t sleep for a week. A year later I saw Carly Simon at a dinner and I confronted her about it. I said, “The man in your song, Klaus. Was he based on a real person? Did he survive being placed in a bathtub-sized cup of coffee? Carly, do you have a problem with me? Do I remind you of Klaus? You wanna put in coffee?! Dot it! Do it! I’m here! I’m right here!” Carly quietly explained that the lyric was, “I had some dreams there were clouds in my coffee.” She was very sweet and I felt very embarrassed. We hugged and I left, and on my drive home I thought, “Clouds in coffee doesn’t make sense either!” Clouds live in the sky and when they’re sad, they cry and make rain. Clouds can’t go into a beverage. It wouldn’t work! And that’s when I realized; Carly Simon is a psychopath and should be locked away for eternity.

 

V.O: This has been-Song Lyrics Misunderstood by Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

 

—

 

MPS: Ted, I hereby dedicate this episode to grappling hooks.

 

Ted: Have a strong relationship with grappling hooks, do you?

 

MPS: More than you’ll ever know. I’ve hooked my grapple to so many tall buildings. The jewels I’ve stolen, the paintings I’ve pilfered, the cash I’ve absconded with. You’ll never know the full weight of my crimes.

 

Ted: I once saw you return a pack of gum you thought you didn’t pay for.

 

MPS: Cause that would’ve been small potatoes, my friend.

Ted: Huh. Well, alright.

 

—

 

“Outtakes”

 

—Adventurous Friends—

 

GP: I…I’ll be right back with your drinks.

 

MPS: Now just pant like you’re running a little.

 

*GP pants

 

MPS: That sound like she’s turned on. I won’t use that…but it’s fine. She’s super into this swinger scene…

 

Ted: She’s gonna be droppin’ her number at the table.

 

GP: That’s the big twist.

 

MPS: You can definitely stop down on this one. That’s a cut.

 

—

 

Nick: That was confusing. I thought Nick was gonna be me. 

 

MPS: Yeah, yeah I noticed that. Bad fictitious naming on my part.

 

Nick: Seriously.

 

MPS: Maybe you texted me at that exact moment.

 

Nick: “It’s a fine name.”

 

—

 

—Basting Denim—

 

OG: You think you look cool, but you look like everyone else! Don’t you wanna stand out from the crowd?

 

Ted: Was that Pauly Shore? A little Pauly Shore?

 

OG: Yeah, a little Pauly Shore, there.

 

Ted: Give me a little “Rock and Jock.”

 

“Credits”

 

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because Mike loves jazz, and he’s sad he never learned the trumpet.

 

This season of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. This season was also produced in association with our dear friends over at Mischief Media.

 

You can find full credits – including all of our incredible voice talent – plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and look–I know they’re two straight white guys with a podcast. But they’re two of the good ones. So do us a solid.

 

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

 

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