Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 3, Episode 2 Transcript

February 4, 2022

MPS: Hello hello, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman. Mike, how many times have you been described as spicy.

MPS: Ted, not once. Once I was described as saucy, however. But I deserved it. I was wearing a fedora on the beach.

Ted: Oooooooh that is saucy.

MPS: You ever been called spicy?

Ted: Does Ginger Spice count?

MPS: That was a weird Halloween. Listen to this.

—

—Sriraching-–

V.O. Hey parents–how many times have you slaved over your child’s birthday cake only to have them say…

Kid: What kind of frosting is this mom?

Mom: It’s vanilla, sweetheart. I thought that was your favorite. That’s what I make every year on your birthday.

Kid: Yeah, but mom, I’m five this year. Can you grab the hot sauce? Vanilla is just…too vanilla.

V.O. And when your little daughter had to bring cupcakes to school and came home with tears in her eyes?

Mom: Candice what’s wrong?

Candice: You were in charge of the cupcakes and all the other girls said they tasted like BLEEP because they weren’t spicy enough. You don’t get it mom! Cupcakes are supposed to be spicy. I hate you. I should have told the judge that I wanted to live with dad. At least his new wife can bake! Oh, and both her legs are real!

V.O. We know! Too many times to count, right? Tyburn Industries has your solution. Introducing Sriraching, the world’s first Sriracha accented frosting. Imagine your childhood favorites; vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, milk chocolate, and more! All with the overpowering smack of the Sriracha your children crave. So next time you bake a cake, instead of this…

Kid: I said I don’t like vanilla, what are you deaf?

V.O. You’ll hear this…

Kid: Oh Jesus h. (BLEEPING) Christ! My mouth is on fire! This is the best cake I’ve ever had! Look at me I’m tearing up! So tasty! Oh (BLEEP) I just got some of the frosting in my eyes! It burns so much. Mom, please help me! Where are you going? I’m your son! What’s in this glass?

*Sound of door opening and closing*

Kid: (Cont.) MOM!? Is it milk?

*He throw-drinks the contents of the glass in one shot.

Kid: (Cont.) It’s grapefruit juice! Why!? Who drinks that with cake?! I’m going blind! It’s getting worse! Mom? Mom!

*Sound of car starting and driving away*

V.O. Tyburn industries. Solutions for every occasion.

—

—Walken and the Whale—

V.O: And now we present Christopher Walken talking aloud after finding himself trapped inside a whale.

Walken: Hello, anybody down here? No? Chris, it looks like you’re on your own here, pancho. Let’s get to planning how to exit this mamailiane fortress of blubber.

It doesn’t smell as bad as I thought it would in here. I mean it’s terrible and nauseating, I might pass out. But it’s not REAL bad. You know the kind of bad that really makes you feel sick, all the way down to your asshole? And boy oh boy is it moist. I know a lot of people have trouble with that word. Not me. I’m a moist guy. Best way to describe a nice piece of wedding cake. But at least wedding cakes aren’t cavernous…and echoey. Hey!

*It echos “Hey!*

Walken: Echo!

*It echos “Echo!”

Walken: When I say Walken, you say Walken. Walken!

*It echos “Walken!”*

Walken: Ha. That’s kinda fun. I didn’t kill Natalie Wood!

*It echos “I didn’t kill Natalie Wood!”*

Walken: But I sure could’ve prevented what transpired! Bob Wagner is no prize. Man has a rage boiling inside him.

*It echos*

Walken: (To himself) Let’s see, what else? (To the cavern, shouting) I should’ve had Hanks’ part in “Sleepless In Seattle!”

*It echos*

Walken: Damn you, Reiner! I apologized! It was a misunderstanding!

*It echos*

Walken: I wonder if there is a restroom down here. I didn’t think to go before I yelled, “Hey look at that whale!” and jumped off the boat to come make friends. I don’t know much about whale friendships, but being swallowed whole could mean he really likes me, or he really doesn’t. I don’t find swallowing someone whole… to be a middle ground maneuver. Chrissy baby, you knew it was a roll of the dice. Let’s see if we come up snake eyes. Mr. Whale, if you can hear me please listen. I’m no fool. I know you can’t answer back. But I think, given the mystical powers of your species, you’ll understand my meaning and good intentions. I mean you no harm, sir. I simply wish to get back to shore to be with my family. You see to humans, land is to us, what the sea is to you. It’s a home. I promise I’ll stop using plastic straws, if that’s what this is all about. I tell most people I already stopped. But we both know, sometimes I cheat. Scouts honor, no more plastic straws for old Chrissy boy. Please tell the others, maybe even mention it to a dolphin friend. Get the word around. Don’t want this to happen again. Now sir, would you be so kind as to open your blow hole? It has been a pleasure to be a guest in your magnificent belly, but I think we both know I’m needed elsewhere.

*Sound of blow hole opening.

Walken: Thank you my whale friend. I appreciate it. Be good, friend. Be ever so good.

*Walken climbs out and his voice gets fainter, the farther he climbs. But we hear him muttering to himself. Whale sounds.*

Walken: Oooh. So sticky.

*He looks out–street sounds waves, wind, etc.*

Walken: (Shouting) Oooh! Malibu! How did you know? I’m about five minutes inland!

V.O: This has been Christopher Walken talking aloud after finding himself trapped inside a whale.

—

—Phone Meeting—

MPS: Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Oh Ted oh Ted oh Ted oh Ted…pick up…your phone.

Ted: Hello!

MPS: Oh hey. What’s goin’ on? It sorta worked…

*Faint stock market chaos noises go on throughout, There’s also ringing phones.

Ted: Mikey.
MPS: Yeah.

Ted: Whaddaya got for me? You couldn’t have picked a worse time!
(Yells away from phone) Get me Martin Hauser on my office phone. And tell him if he can’t talk now he obviously doesn’t need my business!

MPS: Oh. I thought we both picked this time for a little phone writing session. In fact it was you who suggested…

Ted: (To someone else) And tell Hauser his ass is canned if that tip he gave me about stock in Grumman was bullshit!

MPS: I assume you’re not talking to me. Are you…is everything ok?

Ted: Linda, tell Tom Baxter to fax me the Rothstein memo. If I don’t have it on my desk in 10 minutes I swear to God I’ll slap his kid!

MPS: Why don’t I call back another time? I’m not even sure what’s happening over there. Did you get a new job, or…?

Ted: Linda, quit screwing my calendar. You’ve got me fucked me into a lunch with Calvin Reeves at 1:00. If you want to watch someone dribble clam chowder down his shirt while talking about tech futures, that’s your business. Keep me the fuck out of it!
(To MPS) Now’s good, Mikey. I can fit you in for a tight twenty. Don’t fuck me.

MPS: Ok cool. I’m sorry-don’t what you?

Ted: Don’t fuck me on this, Mikey. My time is very valuable. If you got somethin to work on, I need you to deliver the goods. Now Whaddaya got? Don’t fuck me again, Mikey. I mean it.

MPS: Ok ok. What are you…I didn’t fuck you in the first place, man! I just called you at our mutually agreed upon time!

Ted: What do you goooot Mikeeeeeeey don’t fuck me.

MPS: (Nervous now) Ah. God. Ok! We were working on a commercial parody. Tyburn Industries’ new robotic toilet paper. It works kind of like a roomba. It finds the poop once you hold it near…your butt…it’s also green, and rechargeable. Unfortunately there’s no way to clean it, really. Cause it can’t get wet.

Ted: (Snorts) I REMEMBER THE CONCEPT MIKEY LET’S TALK DIALOGUE (Snorts again).

MPS: Oh, ok. Um…Ted are you snorting cocaine?

Ted: Mikey.

MPS: Yeah?

Ted: Don’t…

MPS: I know, I know. Don’t fuck you. Don’t worry, by the way!

Ted: Well good! If you know what I’m gonna say…(Swallows a drink, with pills) Linda! Get me Gary Bayer on the phone! Tell him if he’s looking for his balls they’re in my desk drawer. And, oh, mention his wife hit on me at the Humane Society Easter party. You got fifteen minutes now, Mikey.

MPS: Ok. So we have the V.O, but we have to set it up better. I was thinking a “fly-on-the-wall” kind of scenario where a guy is like, watching a ballgame or something and rushes off to the bathroom…

Ted: And then his wife walks in and tells him he’s late for an appointment. Take it. I already wrapped it up, put it in the bag, put the receipt in the bag. So take it. Take it. Take it take it take it take it.

MPS: No, I was thinking the man talks right to the V.O guy like they’re in the bathroom together…

TED: DON’T FUCK ME ON THIS, MIKE!

MPS: Ok! I’m writing it down! (Typing fast) Jesus. Christ!

Ted: Carol! Get me the 403-B forms! If I have to ask again you’re out on your ass! These are the 403-C’s! Get goin’, hot stuff!

*Slap sound

MPS: Did you just slap this Carol person on her ass?

Ted: Yeah, she loves it.

MPS: Who even is Caro!?

Ted: She’s my office girl. Don’t worry about it, Mike. Next item! Dont fuck me! (Big snort) Mmmmmmm. Sopapillas.

MPS: What!?

Ted: Oh, Mikey. It’s just fun to say. Try it. Sopapillas. Sopapillas. Sopapillas. Sopapillas.

MPS: Sopa…pillas.

Ted: Also they’re good for the ‘ol sweet tooth. Sopapillas. Sopapillas. SAY IT WITH ME, MIKE!!! Sopapillas! Sopapillas!! Sopapillas!!!

MPS: (Interrupting) Fuck! You’re freaking me out! SOPAPILLAAAAAS! Ok? Can we move on!?

Ted: Good sesh, Mikey. I gotta get goin’. I think Procter and Gamble are about to announce a big move. I haven’t been wine’d and dine’d yet, so they’re gonna have to take their collective condom off, if you get my meaning. I’ll bill you for the time.

MPS: NO! NO! YOU’VE GOT ME ALL HYPED UP NOW AND MY TIME ISN’T UP! DON’T YOU DARE HANG UP THIS PHOOOOOONE!!!

Ted: (Same time) Sopapillaaaaaaaaas! Mikeeeeeeeey! Don’t fuck me.

*The line stays open, but we hear scurrying footsteps. A door slams.

MPS: Hello? Hello!?

Carol: Hello Mr. Smith?

MPS: Carol? Are you…actually real?

Carol: Yes, of course! Mr. O’Gorman gets awfully temperamental before lunch. You’ll have to excuse him. The only thing that will calm him down now is a martini with four large olives and a hefty dose of diazepam. He’s like clockwork!

MPS: Carol. Oh, Carol. I don’t know you, but you can do so much better employment-wise. I…how does Ted even pay you? Carol, you gotta get outta there!

Carol: Oh you.

*She giggles, hangs up.

MPS: Carol? Carol! Hello!?

*Sound of disconnected line.

MPS: He…fucked me. What a douche.

—

—Singing Bully 2—

V.O: And now we present, Carter Fredericksburg…the singing bully.

Harry: Hey Desmond, I’ll trade you my fruit roll up for three of those chocolate covered graham crackers.

Desmond: I don’t know. Let me think about it.

Harry: Think about it? Lunch is almost over! Come on. I’ll throw in…my Hi C.

Desmond: You already opened it.

Harry: Yeah, but it’s almost full!

Desmond: Sorry, Harry. We’re friends and all, but I don’t want your germs.

Harry: What if, instead of my Hi C, I gave you my Gushers, too?

Desmond: Whoa! Your mom gives you a Fruit Roll Up and Gushers? So cool!

Harry: Yeah, she’s the best.

Desmond: It’s so much sugar, though.

Harry: Yeah, but I’m hypoglycemic.

Desmond: You are? I didn’t know that.

Harry: Yeah. If my blood sugar gets even a little low, I can pass out.

Desmond: Wow.

Harry: Yeah, one time I hit my temple on the corner of my desk, and I woke up in the hospital, and…

Carter: Hey boys!

Harry: It’s Carter!

Desmond: I know who it is!

Carter: Who’s hungry? Oh, that’s right. It’s me!

Desmond: Well, we’re…hungry, too.

Carter: What was that?

Desmond: Nothing.

Harry: He said that…that he’s hungry, too. And so am I.

Carter: Hungry for a song, I bet!

Desmond and Harry: Oh, no!

*Carter starts stuffing his face

Carter: Don’t worry, fellas. A song or two will provide all the sustenance you growing boys could ever need.

Harry: Well, Carter, um, sir. The thing is, I’m hypoglycemic, and…we were actually just talking about this…

Desmond: Yeah, that’s actually a really nice coincidence. You were just telling me…

Harry: Yeah we were…I was just telling Desmond that, I could pass out, if…

*Harry is interrupted by the sound of a cartoonish punch*

Harry: (Cont.) Ow!

Desmond: Oh!

*Carter eats for a few more seconds, then begins singing (“Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”) and punching.

Harry: I’m…so hungry. Light…headed.

Desmond: Just cover up, Harry. It’ll be over soon.

Carter: Excuse me! I AM SINGGING!!!

Harry and Desmond: Sorry.

*Carter changes songs, sings “Rhinestone Cowboy”, as the beatings continue.

*Harry sighs and we hear the sound of him falling, and a table breaking.

Carter: Why, oh why must you children be so reckless with the school’s valued furniture. I must get to class, and it looks like you boys are going to have to answer for this haphazard destruction of school property.

Desmond: Oh, man.

Carter: But first–lunch money. Give it up.

Desmond: But I already bought my lunch. And you ate it. All I have now is my allowance.

Carter: That’s perfect. As I am allowancing you to live through the day. Look at your friend, there. You wanna end up unconscious like him?

Desmond: Well, that’s cause he’s hypoglycemic, so…

Carter: What, are you trying to exscape?

Carter: (A la “Tainted Love”) Uh-uh-uh.

*Carter starts singing “Tainted Love” and punching*

Desmond: OH, SON OF A BITCH!!!

V.O: This has been Carter Fredericksburg…the singing bully.

—

Ted: I’d like to dedicate this episode to my own stellar performance in Mike and Gillian’s webseries “The Residuals.” I played an aggressive name-dropper, and my improvised lines created some of the most memorable scenes in either season of the series. For which I received little thanks, little compensation, and even less formal credit. Dick move, Mike. Dick. Move.

*Toilet flushes. MPS returns to mic.

MPS: Alright, I’m back. So you wanna do a Dedication?

Ted: Nah, I don’t really have anything right now.

MPS: Oh ok. Gimme a second, I’ll find something.

—

—Outtakes—

“Phone Meeting”

Ted: Linda! Quit screwin’ with my calendar. You got me…(Laughs)…sorry.

MPS: You’d actually be good at this job. Weirdly enough.

—

Ted: Don’t fuck with me.

MPS: It’s “don’t fuck me.” It’s gotta be “don’t fuck me.”

Ted: Sorry, sorry.

MPS: It’s “don’t fuck me” or bust.

—

Ted: yeah, sure. Those snorts, man. How do people do real coke? Just snorting dry like that is bad for ya. That can’t be good. Oh, god.

—

MPS: Are you…? I can already hear, it sounds like I was just laughing. Which I was.

—

Ted: I think my nose is gonna start bleeding.

MPS: You don’t have to snort again. We got it.

Ted: I have to.

—

Ted: You got a fist up my ass, and you’re playing me like Kermit the Frog. Don’t fuck me, Mikey.

MPS: Ah. Jesus Christ. Ok! Jesus. That’s really graphic.

—

Ameeta: I like the “Sopapillas” section. So like, right after you…snort the cocaine…(Laughs)

—

MPS: Oh, I’m gonna let Fiona out into the living room. She’s freaked out by all this yelling.

—

Ted: Sopapillas, Mikey! Dulce de leche. Flan. Flan like an eagle!

MPS: Baked Alaska.

Ted: Baked Alaska baby! Baby want a baked Alaska? Baby want a baked Alaska?! Dulce de leche? Yeah? (Snorts) Oooooh, daddy sugar!

MPS: (Laughs) Oh, man.

—

MPS: I think you can Hepburn it up even more.

GP: Yeah, Alright, let’s do it.

MPS: You were raised on a million dollar horse farm…

GP: Great.

MPS: Well, that’s not a lot of money anymore. A billion dollar horse farm. That’s a ridiculous horse farm. Somewhere in between.

—

Ted: I like it cause in this version, Carol is also obviously on drugs.

GP: Right. Crazy.

MPS: Ted found her at a bus station.

—

“Sriraching”

Ted: Tyburn Industries: solutions for every occasion.

MPS: One of those was kinda sexy.

Ted: Only one!?

—

Eddy: I said I don’t like vanilla, what are you deaf?

Ted: What a shitty little kid.

Eddy: I know, right!?

Ted: Man, are you hittin’ that perfect.

Eddy: Thanks.

—

“Phone Meeting”

GP: That’s a…wow. Fantastic. What’s next?

—

“Singing Bully 2”

OG: Why, oh why must you children be so reckless with the school’s valued furniture. I must get to class, and it looks like you boys are going to have to answer for this haphazard destruction of school property.

MPS: Great. Let’s try one Mike like he’s already getting back into Eddie Haskell mode. Even though there’s no authority figures around yet.

OG: Right.

MPS: It’s like he’s already getting into character again so he can play the innocent.

OG: Ok. So less Penguin from “Batman Returns.” Got it. Note taken.

MPS: (Penguin voice) Could be worse!

—

Ted: I would never say this about anything else, but if we can inspire a nationwide epidemic of singing bullies, I’ll feel that we’ve done our job.

OG: Lester Holt just comes on NBC Nightly News. “A new trend in bullying.”

Ted: “Tragically another singing bully. This time, Hartford Connecticut. The victims-six children. The song-’Rhinestone Cowboy.’”

—

OG: (Singing) “I wanna hit that hiiiiiiiigh! Yeaeeaaaeeeaaaah!” We’re not gonna get rid of that frog, sorry.

Ted: Carter should see a specialist!

OG: Are you ok? Too many margaritas last night.

—

OG: I’m gonna beat you…(Sings) “Like a rhinestone cowboy!” Sorry…I started too high.

MPS: That was a key change. Yeah. That was the encore key change. The chorus girls come out…

—

—Credits—

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!