Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

May 8, 2019

Michael: Ted, do you wanna do this one?

Ted: I like you doing it.

Michael: Alright.

Ted: I think you’re a happier guy.

Michael: (Laughing) It’s true.

Ted: I think the audience is gonna like you a lot more.

Michael: I’m glad we’re rolling on this. Hey guys (stammers) thank you in advance…

Ted: Great one. Great one there.

Michael: Yeah. Killin’ it.

Ted: Good job.

Michael: Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I am Ted O’Gorman.

Michael: And a lot of this episode is based on a very pervasive ad campaign of the ‘80’s and ‘90’s.

Ted: It was everywhere.

Michael: And we hope we don’t have to say the name of what it is. We hope that it’ll just come through. Enjoy.

—

“Gingers 1”

V.O: More than just the number 1 musical in America. More than just a history of gingers in the United States. More than the most thrilling theatrical event. Come share in the music and the fear. Gingers. Now and forever at the Winter Garden Theatre.

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“Trump Guess Who 3”

V.O: And now, Donald J. Trump and Stephen Miller playing another round of the board game “Guess Who.”

TRUMP: Ok. Was your person raised by stable parents who respect law and order?

MILLER: No. Is your person clean shaven?

TRUMP: No. Was your person raised by his grandmother?

MILLER: Yes. Is your guy a macho guy who would be very nice to you?

TRUMP: Yes. Is your person wearing a flannel shirt? Do they even wear flannel shirts? I’m not sure if they wear flannel shirts.

MILLER: Yes! Would your person cheap-shot a protestor that’s already being escorted out of one of your rallies?

TRUMP: Oh yeah, I mean, he’d knock the crap right out of him. Or her. Is your person Tyshawn?

MILLER. Yes!!

TRUMP: Ooh! I mean, Stephen–I knew it. Ok? Many people are saying that I’m the greatest Guess Who player who’s ever lived. In history. Ok?

MILLER: I certainly am.

TRUMP: Many many people are saying that. If I walk down the street and I say, “Hey, can you name the greatest Guess Who player? Guess who it is. It’s me. Ok?

V.O: This has been Donald Trump and Stephen Miller, playing Guess Who.

—

“Gingers 2”

V.O: Gingers. Now at the Winter Garden Theatre. Tony Goldberg from the New York Times says he’s “never seen so much orange in his life.” Barry Cohen from the LA Times raves “‘The Curtains Match the Drapes’ was an unparalleled showstopper.” Aaron Copeland from the Boston Chronicle writes, “‘Getting Screened for Melanoma’ is a musical number for a generation.“ Daniel Markham from the Tallahassee Gazette says, “What’s the point?” We say, that’s what everyone thinks about Tallahassee, Daniel. So shut up. Gingers. Now at the Winter Garden Theatre.

Chorus: Oh no the Ginger’s coming they’re coming right down the hill. And they’re not gonna stop ‘til they get your food.

Actor: DISGUSTING!

Chorus: I spy the gingers coming now, they’re on the hill and running down. They want all our kids as food!

—

“Shower With Mike 2”

V.O: Alright listeners. It’s that time once more. Head to the dimmer switch and lower those lights. Light your candles, lay back in your favorite chair. It’s time…to shower with Mike.

Michael: Let’s get some conditioner goin’ up in here. I usually use my face wash while the conditioner is in. But don’t worry–this time is no exception. *Starts scrubbing*

It’s an oatmeal scrub, so I gotta really get zealous with the exfoliation.

Michael: You know what I just realized? When someone lets someone cut them in line, it really shouldn’t just be their call. They’re cutting that person, and everyone behind them. It should have to be unanimous.

Michael: By the way, I pee in the shower. I won’t now. But I do. Actually, now I have to.

V.O: This has been another installment of Shower with Mike.

—

“Gingers 3”

V.O: Gingers. Now at the Winter Garden Theatre.

Person 1: It was like being on safari. I’ve never seen such strange and exotic creatures up close.

Person 2: I thought it was great. Up until this moment, I’ve only seen gingers in biology textbooks.

Person 3: I don’t think they need to show how gingers were made. That was disgusting. I got kids. They’re not here, but I have them.

Person 4: I’m red-green color blind so the whole thing was lost on me. But the singing was ok I guess.

Person 5: As a ginger myself, it was nice to hear someone tell our story. I better get outta here.

Person 6: It’s for everybody. It’s for kids, it’s for adults…oddly enough, it’s really not for gingers. If I was ginger, I would have been deeply offended by this musical. Truly I would fear for my safety.

Person 7: I thought it was, uh…I thought it was good. The music was very catchy. Very original. (A cast member appears)

Cast member: Hey, can I sign your Playbill for ya?.

MPS: OH, UH, AHHH! No thank you.

V.O: Gingers. Now at the Winter Garden Theatre.

—

Michael: Guys, thank you so much for listening. Ted do you have anything to add?

Ted: Before we get any responses or hate mail, Mike and I wrote this together. And I’m a ginger. So I can say whatever the fuck I want about gingers.

Michael: Those sketches really could’ve just been called “Ted’s self-loathing.” Parts one to three.

Ted: A lotta sketches could be called “Ted’s self-loathing.” Self-loathing. I can’t even say it.

Michael: Ted, I’d like to dedicate this episode to gluten. Hey gluten. Ted can’t have you, but I sure as hell can. So don’t listen to him. Keep being yourself.

Ted: Today’s episode is also dedicated to The West Wing. There’s no joke here. Michael and I just really like the show the West Wing.

Michael: Team Toby.

—

“Outtakes”

–Gingers–

Ted: “Cats”…I’m sorry. “Gingers” at the Winter Garden Theatre.

—

Chorus: My hate for them is passionate, and I’m not being obstinate, their black hearts I shall run through.

Michael: Alright, let’s just…I just can’t. (Laughing) Ted just send me this and it says “And I’m not being obstinate.” That’s a lyric in the song.

Ted: All I had to do was look at myself in the mirror to know what to write.

Michael: Alright.

Gillian: Ready?

Michael: 5, 6, 7, 8…

—

Nick: I like that they give you little vomit bags in case the gingerness of the whole thing makes you sick. Cause, trust me it will.

Michael: That is why you’re a fucking star!

—

Nick: I like that they give you little vomit bags in case the gingerness of the whole thing makes you sick. Cause, trust me it will. (Apartment buzzer goes off) Pizza’s here? Pizza’s here. Check. Check on pizza. Check on pizza.

Michael: Welcome to the outtakes!

Nick: Welcome to the outtakes. Here we are, guys. We’re livin’ in it.

—

Gillian: It’s looking good. I have the limiter on, so it shouldn’t be too…

Michael: Cool. I like the way they smell. (Smells the mic)

Gillian: But if you, uh…

Michael: They rubbery smell.

Ted: (Smelling his mic) Mmmmm.

Michael: Right?

Ted: You gotta get in there, you know?

Michael: Yeah, you gotta get in there.

—

Michael: I have to hope that most of these actors are wearing wigs. The idea of them having to go home after this with ginger dye in their hair is just terrible. Who would look them in the eye? God I hope they’re all in wigs.

—

Hallie: My favorite song was “Ginger Snap.” Where they snapped that ginger right in half! It was such a cool, 50’s-style number, and I’ll be doing that dance for weeks!

—

Michael: I thought it was, uh…I thought it was good. The music was very catchy. Very original. (A cast member appears)

Cast member: Hey, can I sign your Playbill for ya?.

MPS: OH! UH! AHHH! No thank you…(To himself) They use real Gingers in the cast? I thought it was just special effects.

—

Ted: Gingers. See it now, before they’re bred out of existence. Gingers.

—

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.

Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.