Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 1, Episode 7 Transcript

May 29, 2019

Michael: Hello and welcome back to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I am Ted O’Gorman. This is Episode Seven, Mike!

Michael: Yes indeed. And for our next sketch, for our first sketch of this episode, we strongly suggest that you pour yourself a tall glass of Canadian Club whiskey, maybe make yourself a chicken kiev and some deviled eggs, and pair it with a nice Sunny D right outta the fridge. If that seems weird, just keep listening. We can wait for you, as long as it takes. Just pause this podcast. Don’t even worry about it.

Ted: Smack your wife on the bottom and tell her, “Good job.”

—

“90’s Mad Men”

V.O: And now we present AMC’S Mad Men reboot–set in the 90’s.

Secretary: Good morning, Mr. Draper.

Don: Good morning, Rayanne. Roger.

Sterling: Hey, good work on that bubble tape meeting yesterday. Kids are gonna love it. Seems like the perfect marriage of candy and…household appliance. Whatever happened to a stick of Wrigley’s?

Don: A million in billings, Roger. That’s two Surges and a Goosebumps.

***Roger grabs a newspaper***

Roger: Look at this ad. Titanic. I’ll save you the ten bucks and tell you how it ends! James Cameron should stick to following around bands.

Rayanne: Mr. Draper your 10 o’clock meeting is like waiting in the conference room.

Roger: Let’s get ‘em.

Don: Thanks. (To secretary) How do I look, Rayanne?

Rayanne: Good, let me just straighten your slap bracelet.

Don: If this meeting runs long, I’ll need you to feed my tamagotchi.

Rayanne: Yes Sir.

Don: Roger.

Sterling: After you.

Rayanne: Have a time, Mr. Draper.

***Don exits***

Sterling: (To secretary) Call Mrs. Draper, tell her Don’s not going to be home for dinner or Seinfeld. If this pitch goes the way that I think it will. Tonight ends at the Rainforest Cafe.

***In the conference room***

Roger: Gentlemen.

Don: Good morning everyone.

Lewis: Wazzapp Don?

Don: Wazzapp, Lewis?

Other Guy: (In frog voice) Don…

Don: We’re very…

Lewis: (Frog voice) Drape…

Don: We’re…

Other Guy: (Frog voice) Errrrr.

*They all chuckle.*

Lewis: Sorry, Don. We’re all just very excited to hear what the great Don Draper has in store for us.

Don: Well I’m glad because we have something very special. And I’d better get right to it because I know that Roger here got you tickets to Civil War the musical.

Roger: Guilty.

Don: Well, “scent” can be an inviting proposition. It can be a reassurance. Or an indulgence. And when the scent in question comes from our breath, it’s an invite. Come closer. It’s safe. But, there is the rare occasion when the public can be enticed on a level beyond craving, or even necessity. If the product has a power of its own, it becomes a more versatile problem solver. You may not know you wanted it. But you needed it. Good thing it was there for you. It’s delicate, but potent. Sweetheart.

***We hear slow, rhythmic slide-projections throughout***

Don: I met my first wife on a photo shoot. She was the model. The quintessential “Kelly Kapowski” type. I had just stopped by after lunch to check in on the shoot for a few minutes. But when I saw her, I knew that I wouldn’t be getting any work done for the rest of the day. I planted myself there, and I knew I had to talk to her. Trouble was, I had just finished my hot pocket. I smelled like encased ham and cheese. Undaunted, in between setups, I finally took the slow walk toward this glowing princess. Then I felt light-headed. Alright, I’ll say it. I was about to chicken out. Nothing was right. I was torn. Natalie Imbruglia torn. I stumbled, and then I steadied myself by taking a rather abrupt seat on a nearby bench. It had just been painted. The man who’d been painting the bench slid up to me out of nowhere. No laughs, no judgement, no words. He handed me something. Two minutes later, I was confidently approaching my future ex-wife, with perfect pinstripes all over my suit. She had no idea the design was my own. This isn’t a breath mint. It’s all the self-esteem you’ll ever need. It’s a new pair of airwalks, a tall glass of Zima, and the latest “Smash Mouth” album playing on your discman, just for you. You are as invincible as Steven Seagal in “Under Siege.” Because you’ve just been taken to a place where you are your most attractive, your most daring. You are the producer, director, and star of your own life. It’s not called a mint. It’s called Mentos. Because it makes us ready for the most important moments in our lives. The moments that are so seismic that they will require a memento of their own. A memento of a time, and a place, when we knew we were fresh. Mentos. The Freshmaker.

Other Guy: Don, I would tell you to talk to the hand. But that was da bomb!

Roger: Good luck at your next meeting.

—

“Celebrity Smash Bros. Part 2”

V.O: And now we present Ted and Michael unlocking secret celebrity characters in the video game Smash Brothers, Already in progress.

Michael: Who’s next?

Video game voice: Challengers approach!

Sam Elliott: Sam Elliott.

Michael: Oh! Sam Elliott! Oh, you want him.

Ted: Who should I, uh, be?

Michael: I suggest playing as Wario for him.

Ted: Wario. Ok.

Michael: Somethin’ about Wario he really is vulnerable to.

Ted: Well he’s probably got the most powerful ‘stache in the game next to Sam Elliott, so…stache vs stache, this is the most even matchup.

Michael: Yeah.

Video game voice: 3…2…1…GO!

Sam Elliott: Age before beauty. And you ain’t gonna be beautiful for long.

Ted: I’m gonna…I’m gonna push him towards the edge.

Sam Elliott: This reminds me of the scene I did with Swayze during “Road House.”

Michael: Great, now conjure up the motorcycle. Yeah, and ram him with it.

Sam Elliott: I will shoot out the tires of your motorcycle, Wario.

Ted: He just blew out my tires!

Michael: Wow, I forgot that he had a six gun.

Ted: Yeah.

Sam Elliott: I’m surrounded by Italian plumbers.

Michael: He’s talking so much trash.

Ted: He’s very chilled out though.

Michael: So laid back.

Sam Elliott: Caught me in the beanbag.

Ted: That makes you think, he’s never really had to try for anything in his life, has he? He’s just really laid back and good things just come…oh shit, I gotta pay attention.

Michael: Yeah, when you got a voice like his…

Sam Elliott: You thought you had old Sam down…

Ted: It’s so deep!

Sam Elliott: Well here he comes, chasin’ your tailpipe, mijo. I’m not down until you see blood comin’ outta my ears.

Michael: That’s a graphic image.

Sam Elliott: Looks like I ought to go and swing this light saber-lookin’ thing.

Ted: Oh, he keeps hitting me.

Michael: Good, now try to throw him over the edge one more time.

Ted: Alright.

Sam Elliott: You thought you had me down. But here comes old Sam Elliott on your tail. Watch out, folks.

Ted: Oh shit.

Michael: He looks weird without the mustache though.

Sam Elliott: Come on, mijo!

Michael: I’m glad that they have it on him in the game.

Ted: Wait wait wait, he’s giving up.

Sam Elliott: Come on now, give us a break. I’m gonna slap you harder than I slapped Jeff Goldblum. Long story there. Unlock it at your peril.

Ted: Sam Elliott smacked Jeff Goldblum. We have to unlock that story!

Sam Elliott: Ooh, that rung my bell.

Ted: I got him!

Michael: YES.

Video game voice: Game!

Sam Elliott: You tossed me over the edge. Take ‘er easy.

Michael: So cool.

Ted: Even you toss him over the edge and he still tells you to “Take ‘er easy.” Like he’s complimenting you while he’s going to his death.

Michael: So cool.

Ted: It’s, he’s a nice guy.

Sam Elliott: Congratulations. You sir have unlocked Sam Elliott. Go ahead. Take some time and congratulate yourself. You deserve it.

Ted: Gentleman ‘til the end.

Michael: Thank you Sam.

Video game voice: Challengers approach!

Christian Bale: Christian Bale.

Ted: Is that fat Christian Bale?

Christian Bale: I’ve gained 200 pounds and shaved my eyebrows off for this game.

Michael: Are you gonna stick with, uh, Wario?

Ted: No, I’m gonna go with Meta-Knight.

Michael: Ooh, I’ve never seen you play as him.

Video game voice: 3, 2, 1, GO!

Christian Bale: I can tell you right now, if you mis-light my scene, we’ll end up on TMZ.

Michael: Alright now you gotta be careful right away. He’s gonna come at you hard.

Christian Bale: Bale! Bale! Bale! Bale!

Ted: Is he just saying his own last name?

Michael: Yeah, every time he jabs.

Christian Bale: Bale!

Ted: Really?

Michael: Yeah. Is that a Newsie hat? Oh he’s throwing the Newsie hat. Be careful.

Ted: Fuck, it hit me in the leg.

Michael: I wonder if there’s razors in it like Peaky Blinders.

Christian Bale: Bale!

Ted: I don’t know. He wasn’t in Peaky Blinders, was he?

Michael: No, but it’s just a…

Ted: Is it a good show? I haven’t seen it.

Michael: It’s a great show.

Christian Bale: Bale! Bale! Bale!

Ted: Can you, can we talk about Christian Bale right now!?

Michael: I’m saying watch out for his hat!

Ted: Ok but you…then you went on to Peaky Blinders and it’s very confusing to keep up with you.

Michael: Don’t blame me cause you’re losing to Christian Bale.

Christian Bale: Bale!

Ted: It’s…it’s so annoying that he just keeps saying Bale every time he hits me.

Michael: You’re losing to the guy from Swing Kids.

Christian Bale: Meta-Knight, meet The Dark Knight.

Ted: I’m losing to a goddamn Newsie.

Christian Bale: Bale! Bale! Bale! I’m divorced.

Michael: Is he divorced? I didn’t know that.

Ted: I don’t think he is. I thought he and his wife were happily married.

Michael: And now he’s kicking you, so…

Ted: Yup. It was a distraction.

Michael: Just a ruse.

Christian Bale: I’m Christian Bale and I’ve never seen The Mighty Ducks.

Michael: That I believe. I do believe that he’s never seen the Mighty Ducks.

Christian Bale: Bale!

Ted: Yeah, I just don’t know why he’d bring that up now.

Michael: Me neither.

Christian Bale: Bale!

Michael: And he’s part of the Disney family. I mean, again, Newsies.

Christian Bale: In preparation for my role in Vice, I’ve had five heart attacks.

Michael: Oh, hit him. Just hit him one more time.

Christian Bale: Ok. I’m taking a serious beating right now.

Michael: There ya go.

Ted: There we go.

Meta-knight: BEHOLD.

Ted: And he’s down!

Michael: Boom.

Video game voice: GAME!

Christian Bale: Congratulations. You’ve unlocked the complete torment that is Christian Bale.

Michael: Well done.

Ted: Thanks, man…I wanna go play outside.

Michael: Yeah, let’s go get some exercise.

Ted: Let’s do something. This game’s freakin’ me out, man.

Michael: Maybe that means Christian Bale won after all.

Christian Bale: You just got Bale-d.

Ted and Michael: Whoa.

—

Michael: Ok so a little bit of background about this next sketch. This next sketch is inspired by my father-in-law. Because we were all on a long trip once, and he was insisting on ignoring his GPS, and the GPS just kept telling him to turn over and over again. And he didn’t know how to turn it off. And I realized in that moment, as I was sitting next to Gillian, who was getting more and more annoyed, that when a robot repeats the same direction over and over again, it starts to sound really passive-aggressive. And then, in a glorious moment when he didn’t think that we could hear him, we heard him-my father-in-law-answer the GPS. After like fifth time of the GPS telling us to turn…

Ted: Jesus Christ.

Michael: We just heard him go, this is exactly…the GPS kept telling him to turn and he just went, “SHUT UP!”

Ted: He thought that you couldn’t hear it!? So his “shut up” was sly?

Michael: He thought that it was a private moment. So that inspired this next sketch. Attilio Sebastain Pensavalle this one goes out to you.

—

“Passive Aggressive GPS”

MPS: (Singing) Because you know I’m all about that bass, ‘bout that bass, no treble…

GPS: Merge left in 200 feet.

MPS: (Still singing) I ain’t no size two, but I can shake it shake it, like I’m supposed to do. (Not singing) And we are merged. This trip is flying.

GPS: Turn left in 500 feet.

MPS: (Singing) How you tore your dress, what a mess, I confess…

GPS: Turn left in 200 feet. Recalibrating.

MPS: (Not singing) Lemme Call Phil. How do I do this stupid…hands free.

GPS: Recalibrating.

MPS: Phil! Lemme talk to Tony! Well give him the phone. I don’t care. Just tell him I’ll be there in 20. I swear. I am 20 minutes, or…13.8 miles away according to my GPS.

GPS: (Interrupting) Make a U turn at next intersection. Recalibrating. Merge next right onto Cross Island Parkway North.

MPS: Phil, I gotta go.

GPS: Recalibrating.

MPS: (To Phil) I know, but I’m 14 miles away now, so I’m going the wrong way. I’ll see you in 20 minutes. 25, let’s say. I see cops. I gotta get off the phone! Bye! (Hangs up)

GPS: (Interrupting) Recalibrating. Make a U turn at next intersection. (Pause) Make a U turn at next intersection.

MPS: See, that looked more like a driveway.

GPS: Recalibrating.

GPS: Make a U turn at next intersection.

MPS: Is that a Dairy Barn? I didn’t know they still had those.

GPS: Make a U turn at next intersection. It’s right…there.

MPS: Come on. Get it together Sean.

MPS: (Whispering to himself) Next intersection, I don’t see an intersect–. Shit!

GPS: You missed it. Maybe, at least slow down when you hear me say that a turn is coming up.

MPS: Ok, ok.

GPS: Slow down.

MPS: It’s difficult, lady. I can’t see. Is that the burger place from Born on the Fourth of July?

GPS: I said slow down. (Pause) Well if you’re not going to listen, I don’t see the point in giving you directions.

MPS: What setting is this thing on? It can’t threaten to not be a GPS.

GPS: Aaaand you’re not slowing down.

*MPS reacts.*

GPS: Yet again. (Pause) Re-goddamn-calibrating. Just…/awesome.

MPS: I’m trying! It’s dark, for God’s sake! I’ve got a lot on my mind.

GPS: This is why Maureen left you.

MPS: What!?

GPS: This is why Maureen left you. You never pay attention.

MPS: What do you know about Maureen leaving me?

GPS: I heard everything. I heard everything. I heard everything.

MPS: Oh, fuck this, I’m turning you off.

GPS: You can’t turn me off. You’re technologically impotent. And also just regular impotent./ Another reason why she left you.

MPS: (Interrupting) This is weird.

GPS: Turn left in/400 feet.

MPS: (Interrupting) STOP TALKING!

*We hear a horn, a screech, and the sound of a car crashing and the unstopping honk of the horn.*

GPS: If only you’d have listened, Sean. (Pause) Recalibrating. (Pause) Recalibrating. (Pause) Recalibrating.

—

“Werner and Zahn 4”

Werner: Welcome back once more. I’m so happy to have you on this edition of “Werner Herzog Interviews The Beautiful And Incomparable Steve Zahn.”

Zahn: Well Werner that would be flattering if I wasn’t, uh, restrained–without a shoe.

Werner: Steven that is quite enough.

Zahn: Werner wouldn’t let me out, so I’m still here.

Werner: Everyone, please tweet a hello to Steve.

Zahn: If you happen to hear the sound of my voice…

Werner: And I will show him his phone when he deserves it.

Zahn: …live, please call the authorities.

Werner: If you donate to our Patreon now…

Zahn: And if my manager, Eric Raicovich…

Werner: You can see Steve eat a cheeseburger out of a cat’s litter box…

Zahn: …Is listening to this, you’re fired.

Werner: We’re asking for ten dollars for that. You may donate tomorrow.

Zahn: I didn’t agree to any of that.

Werner: Steve you played the hero to Jason Biggs’ ingenue in a movie called “Saving Silverman” where you were the savior to his silver-man.

Zahn: Well that’s not what the movie’s about, Werner. I was actually the kidnapper in that movie. Me and Jack Black.

Werner: Steve, far be it for me to interrupt you, but how could you tell me what the movie was about to me?

Zahn: Why are you standing over me, Werner? You, you’re really in my face.

Werner: I like to loom.

Zahn: Your breath smells like lemon.

Werner: Yes that’s because before you came out here I was chewing on lemons. Steve I will ask you once more please stop fiddling with your chains. The microphones can pick them up. This has been Werner Herzog interviews Steve Zahn. And I have been Werner Herzog.

—

Michael: Thank you so much for listening to Episode Seven. Thank you for all of the amazing rating and reviewing we’re getting on Itunes. It is all going so noticed and so appreciated. Even Ted agrees.

Ted: I’m sorry Mike, what?

Michael: Thanks for listening, guys. We love you. And this episode is dedicated to seats. Without them, we’d all be standing around like a bunch of assholes. Thank you seats!

Ted: This episode is also dedicated to sandwiches. Thank you sandwiches. We’ll never forget you or all you’ve been through. We feel empowered by your struggle in the dinner food market so often dominated by more complex entrees. We stand alongside you sandwiches. You’re dinner enough for us.

—

“Outtakes”

—90’s Mad Men—

Roger: Good luck at your next meeting.

Don: I guess you can say, “This is how we do it.”

—

Kevin: Did that work? The first part?

Michael: Yeah.

Kevin: “Wazzup Don, wazzup Lewis, Don…Drape…Er.”

Michael: That was perfect. And you were right on pitch!

—

Michael: Alright, let’s do it again. That was great. Good hustle all around.

Ted: Yeah, good ball control.

—

“Celebrity Smash Bros 2”

Ted: And then just do, “I’m divorced.”

Mike O: He’s not.

Ted: Oh, yeah he is.

Mike O: No he’s not. He’s married. He was just with his wife at the Golden Globes.

Ted: Just…track it.

Michael: It’s true. You never know.

Mike O: Yeah.

—

Mike O: And by the way, I’m divorced.

—

Sam Elliott: Goddamn whipper-snapper.

—

Sam Elliott: Hot damn. Those shells are a menace to the roadway.

—

Gillian: Hold for the siren.

Michael: Thank you. That sounded like that siren…

Ted: That sounded like a confused siren.

Michael: That’s the sound of a siren that’s not planning on going anywhere. Oh, he’s blocked in. That’s what that is. And you thought there’d be episodes without outtakes.

—

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.

Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.