Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 1, Episode 11 Transcript

June 26, 2019

Michael: Hey everyone, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I am Ted O’Gorman.

Michael: And Ted is not feeling super well today. But he made it out like a trooper for the recording.

Ted: I’m gonna buckle in, Mike.

Michael: Yeah. And so if Ted sounds un-enthusiastic, that’s not just his normal Ted persona. That’s actually his sickness…

Ted: The bronchitis ravaging my lungs.

Michael: Yeah, so thanks for being here, buddy.

Ted: No problem.

Michael: Thanks for sitting at a considerable distance.

Ted: Just Lysol this mic when I’m done breathing into it, would ya?

Michael: Oooh. You know I will. If anyone out there knows me, you know that I will be doing exactly that.

(Ted coughs)

Michael: There it is. Not planned. Not scripted. Enjoy episode eleven, you guys!

—

“Andre In The Ball Pit”

V.O And now we present–Andre the Giant standing in the middle of a ball pit at Chuck E Cheese.

Andre: Please someone help me. The children are playing around me. I worry if I take a step I will crush one. Well, at least one, maybe more. Please empty this pit of balls so I can escape.

Andre: I just woke up here. I’m trapped. These aren’t even my clothes. They are so tiny.

Andre: If I fall, that is the end of your children. They will burst like grapes when I land. Why do you not hear me!? Your children are in danger! Please let me out. If not for me, do it for them.

MOM: He must be one of those pederast giants. Well he’s lucky my husband isn’t here. Bob would kick his ass. You know he played football in high school.

Parent: What is he even doing here? Who invited him?

MOM: I don’t know.

Andre: Why are you talking about me like I cannot hear you? I can hear you! This is offensive.

MOM: Is he actually talking to us right now?

Parent: Oh my God.

MOM: Oh my God.

Parent: Move slowly, that way he can’t see you.

MOM: Oh my God. Ok, let’s go let’s go.

Parent: I’m gonna have to buy all new clothes.

Andre: I am from Grenoble, France!

Parent: Did you hear his voice? Oh my God.

MOM: I heard it. I’m disgusted by it. We have to go now.

*Andre groans angrily.*

Parent: Why does he even speak?

Andre: Can you at least throw me some pizza?

MOM: I don’t know. We have to go now.

—

“Sandals Paradise”

V.O: Beaches, swim up bars, 5 star restaurants, spa, live music day and night…

However, your wife will cry the entire time.

Because our resort will trigger some sort of deep-seeded secret from her past. That’s right. Your wife is somehow allergic to the most basic vacation activities. Lounge in your personal cabana while handing your wife cocktails in a vain attempt to calm her down, while wondering “Why didn’t she tell me? We could have gone anywhere.” Indulge in all-inclusive liquor while you decompress in your suite’s very own jacuzzi while thinking, “Seriously, what happened to her? Was she almost murdered on a beautiful beach in paradise before I met her?” Take a complimentary ride on one of our katamarands and feel free to ask our certified guides if they think it’s possible that your wife could have been the perpetrator of the “paradise killings”, which you’re now calling them to yourself, instead of the victim. Dance the night away in our reggae lounge after dinner while gazing into your wife’s watery eyes and daring to think, “Is it me? Am I next? Are those the tears of someone compelled by some irrepressible force to murder again?” And enjoy a couple’s massage in our spa while you squint towards the lady you thought you knew and whisper–just loud enough to cut through the new age music, but soft enough so that our top notch massage therapists can’t quite place what you’re saying…

Husband: Are you going to kill me?

V.O: And soak in the lavender and eucalyptus aromatherapy as her frown turns into a smile for the first time all week as she answers…

Wife: YES.

V.O: Sandals Paradise. Just for you. And the skilled homicidal maniac that you’ve shared a home with for years, and who you’re now hoping against hope is just a traumatized good sport, after all.

—

“Abduction”

G-man: Have a seat, Darrell. I’m special agent Thompson. Nice to meet you.

Darrell: Hi special agent Thompson! it’s nice to meet you.

G-man: You know, you can leave anytime you want. We just really appreciate you being here to talk to us.

Darrell: These chairs are comfy.

G-man: Thank you for meeting with us so soon. You have a very unique story. A very unique case here. You claim to have been abducted by aliens, is that true?

Darrell: True? I just got back.

G-man: Will you take a polygraph to that effect?

Darrell: I will. But can I get something to eat first? They didn’t offer me anything up there.

G-man: Of course. Darrell, forgive me. I’m sure you’ve been through a terrible ordeal.

Darrell: Even a danish would be just…amazing right now.

G-man: Look around, Darrell. I’m sorry to tell you there’s no danishes here. You’re in a, you’re in a steel room. You’re lucky we have furniture. But I will tell you that you’ll be able to go home soon. We just need to verify…

Darrell: Maybe a biscuit.

G-man: We just need to verify that what you told the agents at the scene is accurate. It seems you were a little hysterical and maybe didn’t know what you were saying. So, I’m just going to ask you the same questions.

Darrell: Ok.

G-man: Darrell, is it true that on Tuesday the 5th of July of this year, you were abducted by extraterrestrials and taken aboard an alien spacecraft?

Darrell: Yes.

G-man: And approximately how long were you onboard the ship?

Darrell: I can’t say for certain. When I was returned I was in kind of a trance. I think I was back by the 7th.

G-man: And do you remember how you were brought aboard the spacecraft?

Darrell: There was a beam of blue light. It was magnificent. It cradled me. I felt safe. Almost like being in a womb.

G-man: Do you remember any sounds you might have heard while being brought aboard? Any loud screeching? A dull hum? Perhaps a loud motor?

Darrell: No, it wasn’t so much that as it was more…(singing) Hey baby I hear the blues are calling! Tossed salad and scrambled eggs!

G-man: (Interrupting) Ok let’s just…

Darrell: (Still singing) And baby I seem a bit confused, but I got you pegged!

G-man: Now, now hold on…

Darrell: (Still singing) And I don’t know what to do with these tossed salads and scrambled eggs!

G-man: (Interrupting) Darrell, can you, can you just…

Darrell: (Still singing) They’re callin’ again!

G-man: (Interrupting) Can you do me a favor and just not be a dick!?

*Pause*

Darrell: Goodnight everybody! Mercy! You see, that’s the theme to Frasier. Frasier was a tv show that aired on NBC from 1993-2004. It featured lead actor Kelsey Grammer in the title role.

G-man: I know who, I know…yeah.

Darrell: This was a continuation of the same character he portrayed on “Cheers.”

G-man-1: I understand what a spinoff is.

Darrell: A spin off, if you will. And man do aliens love Frasier!

G-man: Ok, we’ll get back to the Aliens’ affinity for Frasier. For now, we’ll just keep Frasier at arm’s length, ok?

Darrell: Of course. Take another call, if you will.

G-man: Did the creatures take you to an exam room? Could they read your thoughts? Were they able to communicate?

Darrell: Are you sure you want me to talk about this?

G-man: Darrell, we want nothing from you but the truth.

Darrell: It was a replica of the set of the TV show Frasier.

G-man: (To himself) Oh my God.

Darrell: I mean, they didn’t forget a single detail. The African sculptures mixed with modern decor, the gray fireplace, the telescope, and of course the grand piano! Oh boy it was something, I mean really something!

G-man: Again, Darrell, I need you to please put the references to the TV show Frasier out of your mind for a minute. Lets just chalk this whole Frasier thing up to maybe being a coping mechanism for you, because you just went through a very traumatic experience. Now, without mentioning Frasier, when did you first recognize that you were being held by aliens?

Darrell: Without mentioning the (whispers) f-word. It was when I came to–in Marty Crane’s chair.

G-man: And who is Marty Crane?

Darrell: You’re going to get mad…

G-man: No…I’m not?

Darrell: He’s Frasier’s dad who comes to live with Frasier in the pilot episode of the eponymously named series. He brings his recliner, which is hilariously held together with duct tape, to Frasier’s apartment. It’s used as a physical manifestation for the personality differences between Frasier and Marty Crane, his father on the tv show Frasier.

*A snap is heard.*

Darrell: Sir, you just broke your pencil with your hand.

G-man: Yes. Yes I did, Darrell. I’m feeling a little frustrated at the moment.

Darrell: Frasier would say you’re coping.

G-man: What did the Aliens look like, Darrell?

Darrell: They were small gray things with big heads. They had very large eyes. And there was virtually no way to tell them apart aside from their clothes.

G-man: Well, now we’re getting somewhere. We gonna ask you to make some sketches and then we’ll have our experts try and discern any meaning behind the clothing.

Darrell: I already drew what they looked like while I was waiting. Here you go.

G-man: Darrell, this is a drawing of little gray beings with large eyes…. Dressed as the cast of Frasier. Do you know that my division is getting its funding cut year after year after year?

Darrell: You might say–they’re callin’ again.

G-man: Darrell, I’m gonna have to ask you to wait here for a few minutes and we’re gonna bet you evaluated by someone…with a psychiatric background. This is not me trying to get revenge, we just wanna make sure that…you know…that you’re ok.

*A buzz us heard*

G-man: Oh my God. Madame Secretary! We’ve never met, I’ve only seen you on C-Span. I didn’t know you were coming by!

Superior: Alright Thompson, calm down. Let’s go talk in here.

*They go into the next room and close the door.*

G-man: She knows my name!

Darrell: Madame Secretary, if you wanted danishes, Thompson doesn’t have any!

Superior: What did this guy tell you?

G-man: His name’s Darrell. He claims he was abducted, basically onto a perfect replica of the TV show Frasier. I’m sorry to say this, Madam Secretary. You came a long way for no reason. He’s a nut. We gotta cut him loose soon, I think. Unless you wanna lock him up…

Superior: (Interrupting) Oh my God. Thompson, you’re about to enter the inner circle. Trust me, I wish it was anyone else but you. But here we are. We gotta do this. Just come with me.

G-man: (To himself) Oh my God, it’s happening.

Superior: Just, can you just relax?

G-man: Am I getting a higher security clearance?

Superior: Maybe not. We’ll see.

G-man: (Whispering) Do you need to scan my retina?

Superior: Can you please!?

G-man: Sorry.

*They walk back into Darrell’s room.*

Superior: Nice to meet you, Darrell. Let’s talk about Daphne.

Darrell: Daphne!

G-man: Who is Daphne?

*Superior sighs*

Darrell: She was a character on the tv show Frasier…

—

“Apollo 11”

Will Lyman: 2019 marks the 50th anniversary of the first moon landing. After years of preparation and training, Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the lunar surface. The date was July 20th, 1969. Astronauts Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins became instant national heroes, living embodiments of the resilience of the human spirit and a reminder that mankind will strive to reach new heights and meet our goals.

While most are familiar with Armstrong’s famous line that accompanied the first human step on the moon, newly discovered audio reveals a slightly less reflective tone as the astronauts were on the first leg of their journey. On this episode of Frontline we can hear some of their private communications for the first time. This recording has never been made public before.

Houston: Columbia, can you go ahead and give us a read on your CO2 monitor?

Armstrong: Houston we’re having an issue up here. Aldrin keeps using my moisturizer. I’m ready to turn this thing around right fuckin’ now, I swear.

Buzz Aldrin: Houston, Neil is being a baby. I took, like a dollop of lotion, he’s got a 24 ounce bottle. Over

Houston: I’m sorry Neil, come back I’m not sure we copied that correctly. Did you say that Buzz was doing something with the oxidizer?

Armstrong: Get the dicks outta your ears, fellas. Buzz keeps using my moisturizer. MOISTURIZER! That stuff was a gift from my wife and I don’t want him using it! It’s got real bits of aloe in it. It’s not like I can get more of that stuff on the moon. And when we launched, I had like a quarter of a bottle. You guys know I get space-chapped hands. I’m peeling like an asshole up here. Houston be advised, I may have to punch Aldrin in the face.

Houston: Neil we’re having some trouble hearing you. Did you say Buzz was feeling punchy in zero G? Takes some more time to get used to than others, over.

Armstrong: That’s not what I…

Houston: And we’re still waiting on that CO2 reading.

Michael Collins: Well hey fellas, sounds like there’s a ruckus up here in the command module.

Armstrong: Collins, I swear to God, I will smash your face in if you don’t get back to the LEM and make sure that checkdown list is complete. If I find one switch out of place, I’ll slap your son as hard as I can on his third birthday.

Collins: Ok. This feels personal.

Armstrong: BACK TO THE LEM NOW!

Michael Collins: (Kindly laughing it off) Okey dokey boys.

Houston: Neil, we’re hearing a bit of commotion down here. We’d like to have you stay on task and keep the mission objectives in mind. Ok?

Buzz: Houston, Buzz here. Neil’s acting like a real Nancy over his moisturizer.

Armstrong: What did you say?

Buzz: Hey, hey let’s clear the air here. Let’s all get on the same page.

Houston: Columbia, still waiting on that CO2.

Buzz: Because…if you must know…cards on the table…I didn’t even use the moisturizer on my hands.

Armstrong: Jesus Christ! That’s disgusting, you prick!

Buzz: You have 24 ounces!

Armstrong: It’s only a quarter of a bottle! Do the math! You’re supposed to be an astronaut!

Houston: Hey there fellas, Houston here. Can you repeat that?

Buzz: You heard right, Houston. I didn’t use the lotion on my hands. I used it for a space jerk.

Michael Collins: Hey fellas, I was just doing the checkdown list in the LEM. And I heard some more noise up here.

Buzz: Collins, why don’t you do me a personal favor and eat shit and die? I hate you and everything you represent.

Armstrong: Fuck off, Collins. There’s a reason Buzz and I will land on the moon and you’ll just orbit it like an idiot. You’re like a college freshman who watches his roommate have sex with his girlfriend.

Michael Collins: I didn’t say…

Armstrong: (Continuing) Buzz just admitted to stealing my hand lotion as a lubricant for getting his moonrocks off. Who knows where he even found the privacy, and I still respect HIM more than YOU. If there was a door on this tin can, I’d throw you out of it, shift into reverse and run you over! Keep in mind you piece of shit, there are no laws in space. I wouldn’t be charged with a crime. And I bet they’d throw me a parade. Your wife would find herself a brand new astronaut in the time it takes to come back from commercial on “Laugh In”! Let that swish around in the empty space between your ears.

Michael Collins: Neil, you’re a real cut up. I’ll give you that. OK fellas, back to the old dungeon for me.

Buzz: Christ, I hate that guy.

Armstrong: Just the worst. Buzz, can I ask you a question?

Buzz: Shoot.

Armstrong: You drunk?

Buzz: Yeah, you?

Armstrong: Oh, yeah. Wanna go see if we can scare Collins so much that he shits his pants?

Buzz: Deal.

Houston: Hey guys, not to put my head in the lion’s mouth here, but I’m still waiting on that…

Armstrong: Sixty four! Jesus H. Christ, Houston! Our CO2 reading is sixty goddamned, son-of-a-bitchin’ four!!!

Will Lyman: When we return, we’ll listen to the crew of Apollo 11 rate each others wives in order of hotness, or what Buzz Aldrin refers to as “doability.”

—

Michael: Alright guys, thank you for listening to Episode Eleven.

Ted: Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike.

Michael: What?

Ted: We had an Apollo 11 sketch in our eleventh episode.

Michael: We ended episode eleven with Apollo 11.

Ted: Yeah.

Michael: Wow. I didn’t even plan that.

Ted: I plan nothing.

Michael: This feels very zen right now.

Ted: All is right with the world, Mike.

Michael: Yeah. Let’s go to the beach.

Ted: Top down.

Michael: Well, Ted this episode is dedicated to my first car. You knew her very well.

Ted: Mmhmm.

Michael: She was an ‘89 Jeep Cherokee with 157,000 miles. And Ted called it “The Chief” and would greet it before each trip by saying, “What’s up, Chief?” And it rang like a school bell with every turn, but it drove Ted and me from the pool hall to the diner without incident.

Ted: Wonder where it is, now.

Michael: I doubt she survived.

Ted: Unless she made it to Cuba.

Michael: Ted do you have a dedication?

Ted: I do, Mike. I’d like to dedicate this episode to rattlesnakes: the most polite of all the venomous snakes. Some snakes will just bite you with no warning and you’ll be dead before you can reach a hospital. Not rattlesnakes, that familiar (he rattles) sound warns us humans that we’re getting too close to you, and you’re ready to strike. And even if we can’t see your well camouflaged serpentine form, the rattle is a great way to know to step back and rethink our route.

Michael: Stay tuned for outtakes and our fancy outtro. We have a new episode next Wednesday. It’ll be the last episode of our first season. Our season finale. And you can hear me sometimes…

*Ted rattles*

Michael: Oh my God, it’s around here somewhere! And you can hear me on my wife, our producer, Gillian Pensavalle’s podcast, “The Hamilcast” from time to time. And you could find her @thehamilcast.

*Ted rattles again*

Michael: It sounds like that song: (Singing) Chickachickaahhhh!

Ted: (Singing) Mmmmmbowbow.

—

“Outtakes”

—Andre In The Ball Pit—

Andre: I just woke up in here! I’m trapped! These aren’t even my clothes. They’re so tiny! And whose daughter is between my toes!?

—

Parent: This big whale of a man…

MOM: Seriously. How did he even get in? This is an exclusive ball pit.

—

“Sandals Paradise”

V.O: Your wife will laugh maniacally the entire time. With no explanation. And to no one.

—

V.O: Enjoy any of our three-star Micheline-rated restaurants and turn around to find your wife sharpening knives when you say, “Honey, this cabana didn’t come with a kitchenette. Where did you get those knives? We’re going to dinner.

—

V.O: When your eyes clap open at two in the morning and she’s sharpening knives, wonder, “We already had the…” (Ted breaks character) Sorry. I thought I had some stuff. Let’s just…

Michael: I like it. I like it!

Ted: I’m just trying to give you creepy stuff to work with in that voice.

Michael: (Laughing) “When your eyes clap open.” It means he senses that something’s amiss. “Enjoy our plush down comforters when your eyes clap open at two in the morning…

Ted: Yes! Yes! That’s what it’s missing! That’s what it’s missing!

—

Michael: Can you just give me a super bassey “Yesss”?

Gillian: Yesss. Yess! (Breaks character) That was too bassey.

Ted: Like a ghost!

Gillian: Couldn’t split the difference there.

—

“Abduction”

Superior: I’m madame…I’m the Secretary of State.

Michael: Yeah, and I’m just a lowly agent.

Superior: Ok, just…tell me what you heard. It’s not…

Darrell: Madame Secretary, if you wanted danishes, Thompson doesn’t have any!

Superior: You what?

G-man: And you’re the Secretary of Defense. The Secretary of State just deals with other countries. (Laughing) I’m starting to wonder if you’re an alien imposter.

Darrell: Well she’s not dressed as Frasier, Thompson. So you’re in the clear.

Gillian: As I suddenly turn into a lizard. A lizard face. umm..ok, sorry

—

Superior: Just tell me what you’ve heard.

G-man: Should I salute you, or…

Superior: Well, yeah.

—

Darrell: Try waking up in Marty Crane’s chair. It’s not as comfortable as it looks like on tv. There was a spring in my bottom.

—

“Apollo 11”

Armstrong: Seriously, Buzz. Where did you find the privacy to do that space jerk?

Aldrin: I used Collins’ helmet.

Armstrong: UGH.

—

Collins: Hey fellas, sounds like there’s a ruckus up here in the command module. (Breaks character) I like that I just have to say it not like a person that’s never spoken before.

—

Collins: Whoa! Neil you’re a real cutup, let me tell you what. Alright boys back to the old LEM for ollllld (Breaks character) what’s my name? What’s my name in this?

—

Armstrong: That Raquel Welch is a…she’s a ten.

Aldrin: Yeah. Did I tell you how I woke Collins up earlier?

Armstrong: How?

Aldrin: He was floatin’ around in his sleep and I put a plastic bag over his head real tight and squeezed all the air out. And he freaked out like an asshole.

Armstrong: (Interrupting) So cool.

—

Armstrong: There’s a new actress on “Laugh-In.” Goldie Hawn?

Aldrin: I saw her.

Armstrong: Another real piece.

Aldrin: Not goin’ anywhere. Let me tell you that. Box of rocks upstairs.

Armstrong: Oh. I think she’s cute as a button.

Aldrin: Cute as a cutton, sure.

Armstrong: I heard she was up for “My Father The Car.” Didn’t get it, though.

Aldrin: No?

Armstrong: It was a spinoff of “My Mother The Car.” So maybe she did get it, but the show didn’t go anywhere.

Aldrin: Could be.

Armstrong: I don’t know.

—

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.

Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.