Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 4, Episode 3 Transcript

September 11, 2023

MPS: Hello everyone! Welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: I’m Ted O’ Gorman.

 

MPS: We’ve got some new “money keeps rolling in” news for you listeners. In Season 3, we did a Morning Show sketch in which our friend, and real-life Tony winner James Monroe Iglehart played a villainous hypnotist/diet expert. People went nuts for it.

 

Ted: What we didn’t count on…were JMI’s industry connections.

MPS: Which we should’ve, quite frankly. Because he won the Tony for playing the Genie in Aladdin. 

 

Ted: And his Disney connections got a hold of that sketch from last season. So guess who’s gonna be the newest Avengers supervillain!?

 

MPS: And we have the trailer!

 

—

 

“Avengers: Age of Albescue”

V.O: He came onto the scene by taking over a morning show.

Donna: It almost feels like I have a mouth full of…of…human teeth! A whole mouth full of someone else’s loose human teeth!

*Marius laughs

V.O: And he revealed himself to be an evil hypnotist bent on world domination.

 

Marius: You will all taste teeth! TEETH! HAHAHA!

V.O: But now he’s taking on…The Avengers.

 

Marius: Look into my eyes, Dr. Banner. This won’t take long.

 

*Crashes, screams, explosions, etc.

Marius: (Cont.) Now eat this bagel. Hahahaha! Not so incredible with nothing but teeth in your big green mouth, hahahaha!!! Nothing but teeth!!!

 

Thor: (Chewing) This will not stand, Dr. Albescue. Why does this banana feel like I’m eating a mouthful of infant teeth?

Marius: Not the god of thunder anymore! Only the god of teeth!!!! Hahahahaha.

*The Avengers are meeting at their headquarters

 

Captain America: Wait a sec. Wait a sec. Are you telling me his superpower is hypnotizing you into thinking that once you bite into food, any food, it has the taste and texture of a mouthful of loose teeth?

Dr. Strange: Precisely, Falcon/Cap. It’s an evil we’ve never confronted.

Thor: I’ve never seen an equal to his power. Not even in Asgard.

Captain America: Ok, well just off the top of my head. And I’m just spitballing here. Don’t stand still and let him hypnotize you. Like if he goes, “Stand there a second.” You say, “No.” And then you move out of the way and hit him. What kind of armor does this guy have?

 

Thor: None. That’s what makes him so dangerous.

Dr. Strange: My diagnosis–He’s mad with power, that’s his armor.

 

Captain America: I really think this doesn’t even call for us. This seems like a “put a sniper on a roof” type situation or a “wait outside his favorite coffee shop and then when he walks out you hit him over the head with a bag full of quarters” type situation.

 

Thor: Captain America doesn’t get it. That’s the American education system for you, right Dr Strange?

Dr. Strange: Precisely. Fist bump?

 

Thor: You know it.

*The Scarlet Witch is chewing gum.

Scarlet Witch: I’ll take care of this.

Hawkeye: Not alone you won’t, Scarlet Witch. I’m coming with. Just let me finish my cereal.

 

*Hawkeye coughs and gags. More crashes.

Marius: Hawkeye! More like Hawkteeth! Hahahahaa!!! Hawkteeth! Hawks don’t even have teeth! But YOU Hawkeye have a MOUTH FULL OF TEETH!!!

Scarlet Witch: You’d better release your hypnotic spell on my friends. You don’t know who you’re dealing with, Marius. I can do THIS.

*Marius is being choke-lifted by Scarlet Witch.

Scarlet Witch: From twenty feet away, with my eyes closed. Game. (Suddenly she has a full mouth) Set. What the hell. What the (bleep)  ith in my mouuuuf?!? The gum I was just chewing turned into…EWWWWW!

*Marius laughs maniacally.

Marius: All I ever wanted…was to be loved. But you cannot hypnotize someone into love you. So this…will have to do…

*Marius laughs in a quiet, sinister tone.

V.O: Avengers: Age of Albescue. Coming this Friday…the thirTEETH.

—

 

“Unfunny Ghost”

 

*Front door of the apartment opens. 

 

Ted: Hey bud I got your text. They were all out of grapes so I got you a jar of grape jelly and I figured we could look up how to reverse engineer it back to grapes. Maybe remove the sugar to start with? I don’t know. Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize you had company. Ummm. Hi I’m Ted.

 

MPS: Ted this is Edmund. Edmund, meet Ted. Ted, this is the guy I told you about. He’s my newest writing partner.

 

Edmund: A pleasure to make your acquaintance. I am Edmund Livingston of Virginia, Captain of the Virginia Grenadiers, and serve at the express request of his excellency General George Washington.

 

Ted: (To himself) Yup, this is going to be a thing. Mike, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a quick minute. Really great to meet you Edmund.

 

*They walk to the kitchen. 

 

Ted: Uh I have a few questions. One; why is that guy dressed like a soldier from the revolutionary war. And two, and this one is kind of a biggie; why can I see through him?

 

MPS: Well you’re in luck because the answer to both of those is the same. He is a ghost. I scored us a ghost to help with the podcast. Can you believe it?

Ted: How did you get a ghost in your apartment? And how does that help us with a sketch comedy podcast?

 

MPS: He came with the apartment. Apparently this building was constructed on the site of a Revolutionary War battle. Must’ve been a real lopsided victory for the British. Edmund was killed while fleeing. As such, his attempted desertion has cursed him to wander the scene of that battle for all eternity. And I guess that extends to apartments above the battlefield. Edmund, did I get that right? Shot while in the act of desertion so you’re cursed to wander the battlefield for all of eternity, right?

Edmund: Yes indeed, sir. I was shot while abandoning my men. The price for this act of cowardice must be paid by my confinement to the battlefield for all of eternity.

MPS: Yup I got that right. So I figured since he’s going to be hanging around, we can use him in the writer’s room. Also, did you hear his voice! Nobody talks like that anymore. He sounds like a Colonial James Mason.

Ted: (Snaps fingers) Colonial James Mason, that’s who it is! Ok, but we have; a ghost in the apartment, being eternally tortured, for a momentary act of self-preservation. And he wants to write comedy sketches with us?

 

MPS: Listen bud, this could really set us apart from other podcasts. We’ve got a guy in there who literally knew George Washington. I can’t believe I’ve got to convince you to give this a shot! I thought you’d be over the moon about this! Everytime I talk with you, I have to hear about some new History Channel show that nobody gives a fuck about. This is your chance to finally get one of your historical sketches that Gillian and I keep vetoing, on air.

Ted: Ok. You’re right. Let’s give him a chance. Is he funny?

 

MPS: In a way. I think comedy was a bit different in 1780. Also, he has no knowledge of pop culture and he has some pretty un-PC things to say about anyone who isn’t a land-owning white male.

Ted: Good to know. 

 

MPS: Edmund, Ted’s on board, baby!

Edmund: This is excellent news. I haven’t been this excited since young Gwendolyn Townsend’s father promised me that upon my return from the war I could have his daughter’s hand in marriage. With any luck my new good fortune will not be dashed by a bullet to the back while I run screaming from cannonfire! 

 

MPS: Let’s hope so!

Ted: Jesus…

 

Edmund: In advance of our prospective collaboration, I put quill to parchment and came up with a few ideas that one might find humorous. 

 

MPS: Quick funny note, when I first met Edmund, I completely evacuated my bladder, I was so scared. And I tried to explain what we do, in hopes that he wouldn’t, you know, possess me, or literally scare me to death. And he just said, (Edmund impression): “Wonderful, another tenant in the building that wishes to tell me about their podcast.” And then he disappeared for like five days because he didn’t wanna hear about it anymore. So he definitely knows what a podcast is.

Edmund: Quite. I’ve penned a sketch which I think you will find is dotted with the humorous trappings your audience has come to expect.

 

Ted: Great, let’s hear it. 

 

Edmund: We open on a young drummer boy fleeing carnage. All we hear is his panting as he runs from the sound of cannons in the distance. Trees rustle around him, there is a shroud of smoke. He pauses by an elmwood to catch his breath and inspect the bayonet wound in his shoulder. Then he sees the light of a farmhouse up ahead. He runs, more panting. Suddenly the boy tumbles falling and we hear a terribly loud thud. He’s been knocked unconscious.

 

Ted: That’s a good way to start a sketch. A young boy running for his life while wounded. And the shroud of smoke is a nice touch. It should be really easy to convey in an audio medium…

Edmund: And then we hear birds chirping to indicate morning has come. The boy lays still, too weak to rise, but a farmer and his daughters come upon him while doing their chores.

 

Ted: And they help him, and tend his wounds, and then something funny happens?

 

MPS: Will you shut up and let him talk?

Edmund: They do come upon him. But the girls shriek and one says, “Father this idiot boy has gone face first into one of our pumpkins! Look, his whole head is inside the pumpkin!” The boy stirs to let them know he is still alive but his voice is muffled by the flesh of the pumpkin. The farmer responds to his daughter gruffly, “Worry not young child I shall cleave the pumpkin from this boy’s head with my ax!”

 

Ted: Nope! We can’t have a farmer hit a kid in the head with an ax. That’s too much. And that’s me saying that.

 

Edmund: You’ve not allowed me to reach the section wherein the farmer deftly splits the pumpkin from the drummer boy’s head, owing to his many years of practiced manual labor.

 

Ted: Sorry. I jumped the g– I spoke too soon. What happens next?

 

Edmund: The farmer discovers that the boy is on the side of the Red Coats!

 

Ted: Real quick, what happens then?

 

Edmund: It does not go well… but only for the boy. Everyone in the town is gleeful and laughs at what happens to the boy!

 

Ted: Mike!?

 

MPS: Alright. Edmund, the thing is, this is a little off-brand for us. You know?

Edmund: In my day that fiction won me Jokesman of the brigade! I think it’s still relevant.

 

MPS: No doubt we could tweak it a bit, but maybe let’s just move on to another idea you have.

Edmund: Of course. We open on a young milk made in a barn in the throws of ecstasy, getting an enthusiastic humping—

Ted: Nope! Next please.

 

Edmund: I present the story of Mary Driscoll: an Irish laundress who’s Papist ways God has punished by rendering her deaf and mute after a large branch fell on her head. Later on, mysteriously her arm falls off–

 

MPS: Edmund! Thank you, sir. That is all for now.

Edmund: But we’re coming to the punchline. A gout ridden pickpocket, suffering chalkstones, mistakes her for his sister. His sight had gone milky years before–

 

MPS: Quite enough, Edmund! I think maybe take a break and work on those over the next week or so. Ted and I would love to have you at the next writer’s meeting once these ideas are more fully formed. I’m sure you have a bunch more ideas in that notebook. Is that a notebook? Is it vellum? I think vellum is what they had, right?

Ted: And maybe the people could be fully formed too, and healthy. And none of the characters should be getting plowed in a barn… or be dead child soldiers. That’s just off the top of my head, one writer to another.

 

MPS: So those are our notes for today…

Edmund: I see. Ted I shall see you at our next gathering. Michael, if you’re looking for your knife you’ll find it lodged near the 240 year-old musket ball in my back! Good day. 

 

*He vanishes

 

MPS: I think we hurt his feelings.
 

Ted: Sooooo sensitive! (Pause) You think he got shot by his own guys?

 

MPS: Oh, I’ve known it since the first day he walked through that wall. Yeah, he is not for everyone. That’s for sure.

—

 

“Lines That Gillian Doesn’t Want 2”

 

GPS: And now we present…lines that I–Gillian Pensavalle…do not want to say.

 

—

 

GPS: Every morning I wake up, crack an egg into my Guinness, have a bowl of corned beef hash and hit the weights for an hour. Then it’s off to gamble on the ponies.

 

—

GPS: How to describe Ted… Well, he’s the kind of guy that had a curse placed on him years ago and doesn’t know how to reverse it. Put it this way, he’s definitely looked at his own reflection in a puddle and wept. 

 

—

 

GPS: Gaslighting just feels good. Like you control the loss of someone’s mind. Ultimate alpha move. And yall know G-money is an alpha dog. (Barks) 

 

—

 

GPS: Do you know who I am? I’m Gillian Pensavalle. I’m fucking famous, biznatch!

 

—

 

GPS: I’m a woman who just thinks bras should be worn after you get home for the evening. I sleep in mine. Even when they’re ill-fitting. Because that’s a big part of my identity as a woman. BRAS!!!

 

—

 

GPS: I’m the baddest muthafuckin’ podcaster of all time!

 

—

 

GPS: I just got my gumbo to a simmer and momma remembered where she hid the spoons! If you know what I mean.

 

—

 

GPS: I am the cheese in the motherfuckin’ danish, bitch!

 

—

 

GPS: I don’t know everything about the ladies but let me tell you this: the only thing a woman loves more than Lettuce Wraps from PF Changs is a man she can gag during sex. Aaaoooooogah!

 

—

 

GPS: Fuck that Betty Spaghetti and her dead husband George!

 

—

GPS: This has been…lines that I–Gillian Pensavalle…did not want to say.

 

—

 

“Instant Thought”

 

V.O. Hey, home cooks! We’re all familiar with the world famous multicooker: The Instant Pot. It’s long been the biggest name brand in kitchen technology. After all, when one device operates as a pressure cooker, slow cooker, rice or porridge cooker, yogurt maker, sauté/searing pan, steamer, and food warmer what else could you need? We’ve got your answer. Introducing a brand new product from Tyburn Industries: Instant Thought! Instant Thought is the first multi-cooker that injects your food with facts and knowledge. By linking the Instant Thought to your wireless connection, your meals will be infused with all the intelligence the internet has to offer. Place your food to the desired time and setting, and your meal will be just saturated with info from around the web.

Guy 1: I got the Instant Thought to make bone broth in a fraction of the time of traditional cookers. But after my first serving, I learned that the 2020 election was free, fair, and beyond reproach! Who knew?! I mean, everyone on my television, and countless faceless Twitter commenters seemed REALLY CERTAIN that our democracy was under siege. Not to mention ‘ol 45 himself! Turns out, I was just listening to the jumbled ramblings of a narcissistic reality show host. I can’t believe this nutrient-rich bone broth. But I also can’t believe I swallowed so much hype from a man who can barely read!

 

Guy 2: With my Instant Thought, I can make spring asparagus risotto in fish stock, 

 in under an hour. And remember when Dick Cheney shot a 78 year old guy in the face!? Think if Biden had done that! Hannity would still be talking about it! Biden would have been ripped to shreds in a dual session of Congress. But instead Republicans kind of just went “Well guns aren’t usually dangerous. Oops.” But we know guns are dangerous, and so is this risotto. It’s going right to my thighs. Maybe next time I’ll make some quail. That’s a Cheney joke. Because you see he mistook a full grown man in blaze orange hunting gear for a quail. What a world!

 

Woman 1: For years I thought that Avatar was a great movie based solely on its box office performance. But then I started making pina colada rice pudding in my Instant Thought and I realized it’s just “Dances With Wolves” with blue people! Thanks James Cameron for really pushing the envelope and making the handsome white guy the hero! So original. Maybe stick to deep sea exploration from here on out, super chief.

 

Guy 3: A multi cooker is perfect for me. I hate having to clean a mountain of pots and pans, so the single pot design really saves on cleanup. And with two kids I can prep for the week in one day. And It’s a funny thing, after cooking some easy osso bucco in the Instant Thought, I came to the conclusion that gay marriage does nothing to demean my own heterosexual union. It honestly couldn’t affect me less. I’m sorry I was such an asshole and stood out on the freeway with those terrible signs. So go on, and get gay married! I just hope I’m invited and it’s a potluck!

 

V.O. Instant Thought—it’s about time you eat your education!

—

 

Ted: This episode goes out to tortoises. You’re majestic beasts and the world will never know all your secrets. You are all that is right in the world. Your virtue knows no bounds and your human underlings revere you and accept your rightful place as our leaders. We salute your shelled perfection.

 

MPS: You are the strangest person I’ve ever met.

 

—

 

“Outtakes”

 

—Avengers: Age of Albescue—

 

Luke: Avengers: Age of Albescue. 

 

MPS: Good. Give it to me again. You tripped up “Albescue” a little bit. 

 

Luke: Avengers: Age of Albescue. 

 

MPS: It doesn’t sound right. Albescue.

 

Luke: Albescue?

 

MPS: Right. 

 

Luke: Albescue.

 

MPS: Like Al Bundy. Albescue.

 

Luke: Avengers: Age of Albescue. It’s the “of” that’s throwing me off, I think. Avengers: Age of Albescue. It’s a stupid word.

—

 

Luke: Avengers: Age of Albestue.

 

—

 

Luke: Age of Albescue. Oh, there’s a “T” in there!

 

—

 

Luke: Age of Albescue. 

 

Luke: Age of Albescue. 

 

Ted: There we go!

 

Luke: That’s what I’ve been saying.

 

Ted: Well…

 

MPS: Well…

 

—

 

—Instant Thought—

 

GPS: Well, there you go. Aren’t you glad you showed up to work today, and you get to be as stupid as you wanna be?

 

MPS: This room has a echo.

 

GPS: A echo. I love it.

 

—

 

—Lines That Gillian Doesn’t Want 2—

 

GPS: Gimme a DMX sound.

 

*MPS barks.

 

GPS: It really is an “arf”, or…it doesn’t start with an “R”…it’s an arf?

 

MPS: I would go with an arf.

 

Ted: Yeah.

 

GPS: X gonna give it to ya…ARF ARF! Isn’t it in the throat?

 

MPS: Gimme some falsetto, yeah he goes up with it, too.

 

GPS: Alright. ARF ARF! ARF ARF! Sorry, Fiona. 

 

MPS: ARF ARF!

 

GPS: ARF ARF!

 

—

 

GPS: If I had my druthers, I’d sell Ted to the deepest part of the ocean for the price of… a very heavy anchor. Get it?

 

—

 

—Unfunny Ghost—

 

Ted: …Getting an enthusiastic humping. I present the story of Mary Driscoll…

 

MPS: Ted, let’s hit “humping.”

 

Ted: Bet you didn’t think you were gonna say that today.

 

MPS: Yeah.

 

Ted: …Getting an enthusiastic humping.

 

—

 

—Avengers: Age of Albescue—

Luke: I have a Garage Band problem. “System overload. The audio engine was not able to process all required data.”

 

Chelsey: Well, that’s fun. Do you have a bunch of other applications open at the time?

 

Luke: Spotify…Final Cut…

 

MPS: Yeah, that’ll do it.

 

Luke: Calendar…Notes…I’m such a pro.

 

MPS: You did have a billion things open.

 

Luke: Preview. Ok. I probably don’t need Preview…System Preferences…a couple of windows in my web browser I can probably get rid of, too. Two Dropbox windows! A little overkill. 

 

—

 

“Credits”

 

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because Mike loves jazz, and he’s sad he never learned the trumpet.

 

This season of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. This season was also produced in association with our dear friends over at Mischief Media.

 

You can find full credits – including all of our incredible voice talent – plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and look–I know they’re two straight white guys with a podcast. But they’re two of the good ones. So do us a solid.

 

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

 

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