Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 4, Episode 12 Transcript

November 13, 2023

MPS: Oh. Why hello there! Welcome to “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael Paul Smith.

 

Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.

 

MPS: Ted, it’s a big day. Our new intern starts today. His name is Guy. Let’s not screw this up. Shall we? I can’t believe his college approved his internship. I’m begging you, be anyone but yourself. K?

 

Ted: Oooooh. Look who’s moving up in the world? It’s us. Because we got someone to do our dirty work! “Hey Guy, get us some more coffee! Hey Guy, do the dishes! We got errands for you to run, Guy!” How funny is it that we have an inter–

 

MPS: Hey Guy, do my taxes, bam! While you’re at it go get me Chinese food, but from the place on 23rd that has the funny fortune cookies, bam! Hey Guy, go get my car inspected! Ooooops forgot to tell you I don’t have a car you fuckin’ loser intern, now eat all the lemons in that bowl! Guy, hows about you shit your pants so Ted and I can laugh at your doody butt sittin’ in a poopy diaper! Guy, get me tickets to French Montana! Guy, figure out how to repair a marriage! Yo Guy, I want three pounds of quality fondant for a race car cake I’m baking for my nephew for if-slash-when he gets out of surgery!

 

Ted: What is it that you think an assistant does?

 

MPS: I don’t actually know but I am looking forward to hazing him. Is this what power feels like? I get it now. I reeeeeally get it.

 

Ted: Your pupils look like goddamn saucers right now. You’re pouring sweat. Are you on something?

 

MPS: Only the greatest drug known to man. The power to make another your complete subservient. The ultimate dominance. I’ve dreamt of it, every man does. Total control. I’m one step closer to–

 

GPS: Hey fellas. 

 

MPS/Ted: Yeah/what’s up?

 

GPS: That intern, Guy, called and said it’s not going to work out. 

 

MPS: Why pray tell would that be? 

 

GPS: Apparently his professor hadn’t listened to the podcast. And then he did… And now he knows what you’re like… The type of sketches you record…How it’s crass and vile… and weird. You’re both dumb… You’re vapid. That you drink while you record…then you cry a lot…Ted, do I have to keep going?

 

Ted: Nope! I get it.

 

MPS: I… I… So very close. Your chance will come, Smith. Even if you need to move the moon to make it so…

 

—

 

“Carbonated Clam Chowder”

 

Phil: Time! I need a break. Let me grab some water.

Opponent: It’s gonna take more than water to up your game. Man you’re playing like my grandmother, Phil!

 

Teammate: Let’s take five. Let him get a drink then we’ll see who plays like a grandma. Man, Phil, you’re stinking it up out there. What’s going on? You ok?

Phil: Oh man, I went out for an office party last night and to be honest I didn’t remember we were playing until my alarm went off at 8. I feel like death. You have any sports drinks in your bag? All I have is water. I need some electrolytes. Feel like I’m going to pass out.

 

Teammate: Well, why didn’t you say so? Here have a Triple C. It’s exactly what you need.

 

Phil: Triple C? 

 

Teammate: Yeah man, it’s Carbonated Clam Chowder. The perfect thing to drink when you’ve had a rough night but need to be at your best the next morning. 

 

Phil: Clam chowder? But why is it in a soda can?

 

Teammate: Triple C is new from Tyburn Industries. It combines the creamy richness you expect from a thick New England clam chowder with the effervescence of a high end sparkling water.

 

Phil: Really?

 

Teammate: Yeah, the chowder lines your stomach so you don’t feel hungry. Clams are naturally high in electrolytes, as we all know…

 

Phil: Well sure, we all know about the naturally occurring electrolytes in clams. But why make it carbonated?

 

Teammate: Are you kidding? You’d be nuts to reach for a can of regular clam chowder at a time like this. All that creamy, chunky goodness would weigh you down. But with Triple C’s patented carbonation you’re lifted up and don’t feel like you’ve just had a lukewarm bowl of mediocre chowder made by a hearty New England woman with a weathered face. Here, give it a try!

 

Phil: Oh man, that is good. I think I can feel it working. 

 

Teammate: That’s clam power my friend.

 

Phil: Wow, there’s some really big pieces of potato in here.

 

Teammate: Just give the bottom of the can a whack and those little beauties will come tumbling out.

 

Phil: So thick. Just the punch of dairy I needed to rev my engine! Wow! I’m feeling better already. 

 

Teammate: And that’s made with real heavy cream, pal. Tyburn isn’t messing around.

 

Phil: Oh my god. I feel like I could run a marathon. Who knew carbonated clam chowder was just what the doctor ordered?! Thanks man. 

 

Teammate: You got it. Now let’s show those guys a thing or two about how to play the game.

 

Phil: I hope they’re ready. They’re about to see me chow down on their defense.

 

Opponent: You dorks ready to play? Or are you still busy polishing your calculators?

 

Phil: I think we’re just about ready (Burps). Oh, god.

 

V.O: Carbonated Clam Chowder, from Tyburn Industries. Hope you’re ready for a clam dunk!

This soup is not kosher.

 

Phil: Hey pass me the (Burps) rock.

—

 

“Monster Truck PSA 5”

 

V.O: BROS! Hey, I know you. You’re the guy with an awesome ride that turns heads. Your vehicle is an extension of your personality. It screams, “Look at me,” and “give me praise for superficial reasons because I am superior.” Know what’s really superior? What separates the men from the little boys? It ain’t the size of your rims, or your towing capability; it’s USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL!!! Show everyone you know exactly where you’re going in life by SIGNALING IN ADVANCE!!! Nothing shows more confidence! When you change lanes people will notice! And then they will respond in accordance with the rules of the road to safely allow for your lane change. You said you were going to do something and then you did it. You’re a man of your word and that speaks volumes about you! All because you USED YOUR SIGNAL BEFORE CHANGING LANES!!! Good thing you work your lats. A normal man wouldn’t be able to take all the pats on the back coming your way!  

 

—

 

“Lines That Gillian Doesn’t Want 5”

 

GPS: And now we present…lines that I–Gillian Pensavalle…do not want to say.

 

—

 

GPS: Mike, I’m done! Gonna need the plunger for that one. Make it snappy. Old Gillian is reloading!

 

—

 

GPS: I’ve been slowly poisoning Ted for 11 years. That guy has swallowed more antifreeze than a ‘91 caprice wagon.

 

—

 

GPS: Why are tampons a thing when we have quick dry cement?

 

—

 

GPS: Mike’s hammer is so huge and hairy it should climb the Empire State Building and swat at biplanes.

 

—

 

GPS: I just farted something I can only describe as very Axl Rose.

 

—

 

GPS: I own a large share of Hobby Lobby stock.

—

 

GPS: You ever spend the night doing blow and discussing the Criterion Collection with your old college roommate Delvin, and then when his wife Beth comes to pick him up the next day and you accidentally blood sneeze onto their 8 month old…? But she’s named “Sunrise”, so it’s kind of a freebie.

 

—

 

GPS: I’ve got a belly full of motor oil, a head full of crazy, and a… a… Mike… I don’t think I should have drank all that motor oil. 

 

—

 

GPS: Mike, if Audrey doesn’t fluff the pillows next time she cleans, I’m sending her back to Milwaukee.

 

—

 

GPS: Is it me or has the quality of hard drugs gone down since grade school?

 

—

GPS: This has been…lines that I–Gillian Pensavalle…did not want to say.

 

—

 

“Quick To Be Cool”

Jake: Well, what would you have me do? Do I need medication? Yeah, I can come in tomorrow. Whenever you can fit me in, I’ll be there.

 

*They crash their respective carts into each other. 

 

Jake: Oh man./I hung up on my doctor.
(Same time)

Troy: I might have dinged your cart wheel there. 

 

Jake: Troy!

 

Troy: Hey! Of all the guys to crash into, huh?

 

Old man: Do you fellas wanna move your carts over, please?

 

Jake: Lemme get these eggs cleaned up for ya.

 

Troy: Don’t worry about that. Someone will come around.

 

Jake: Alright. So what’s new?

Troy: Not too much. But look at you. You look fantastic. You have…frankly you have a glow.

Old man: Even…gee, six inches would do it. In any direction, really. I just gotta squeak by.

Jake: No, no. I’m sure that’s not true./And I’m sorry about this crash here. I was on the phone with my…

Troy: It is true. Oh, please. Don’t be modest. Don’t worry about it. Is something wrong? 

 

Jake: I just…it’s nothing…I shouldn’t… 

 

Troy: Come on! You can tell me. What is it? Are you and Shirley still seeing each other?

 

Jake: I…ugh. I don’t…

Troy: Not going well? I thought she was perfect for you. 

 

Jake: I thought so, too. But…it’s sexual.

Old man: Oh my God.

Troy: (To Old Man) Hey keep it movin’, old timer. Nobody’s talkin’ to you./(To Jake) That’s a shame though, buddy.

Old man: (Interrupting) That’s what I’m trying to do!

Troy: (Continuing) Is it…chemistry?

Jake: I didn’t think so at first, but…it’s just too much. We were up all last night. I never sleep anymore!

 

Troy: What are we gonna do with you, my young friend?

Jake: What is it?

Troy: You haven’t heard?  YOU haven’t heard?

Jake: Heard what?

Troy: Get with the times, man. It’s no longer cool to go all night, in fact—you gotta be quick to be cool.

 

Old man: That’s it. I’m coming through.

 

Jake and Troy: Excuse ME sir, what a rude person, we’re living in a society, Fuck right off there, Father Time, etc. 

 

OG: (Singing)

Oh, I can’t take another whole night,

Oh it’s all this time spent, I’m at my wit’s end. You say my love is bona fide, but I wanna be done as soon as I get inside. And when I ask you how it was, I want you to say,

You gotta be quick to be cool. Only five seconds, quick to be cool: make me a sandwich, quick to be cool, let’s watch Sportscenter. Maybe…

 

OG: A Seinfeld rerun, you gotta be quick to be cool.

News Anchor: We have breaking news coming in. Apparently, there’s been a cure for cancer found in the past few minutes, NASA reports a planned mission to Mars, and Snickers are now calorie free! People everywhere are getting important work done. Leaders in the field of human sexuality say the reason for these accomplishments is a change in the bedroom-leaving people more time for important work. These days you’ve gotta be quick to be cool…thank goodness.

 

OG: Well I do my next to make you think I care. But I’m getting some texts, and my phone’s just like right there. I think about Miss Adelaide, you know my teacher from 10th grade, and whoops there it is.

All: And when I ask you how it was, I want you to say,

You gotta be quick to be cool. I already held ya, quick to be cool, I wanna play Zelda. Quick to be cool, I’ve got work tomorrow.

Go home, cause you can’t stay here.

You gotta be quick to be cool.

 

MPS: Ted.

Ted: Mike.

MPS: Good job on season four.

Ted: Hey, you too, pal.

MPS: Wanna say anything over acoustic guitar accompaniment?

 

Ted: Um…sure. How come you can’t go “over” when you guess a price on contestant’s row of The Price Is Right? Shouldn’t it just go to whoever’s closest, whether they’re over or under? And that way, you wouldn’t have those $1 assholes trying to game the system.

MPS: You know what, I hate to admit it, but that’s a really good question. Drew Carey, we await your response.

 

Ted: Yeah. FIX IT!

 

OG: Oh, I can’t take another whole night,

Oh it’s all this time spent, I’m at my wit’s end. You say my love is bona fide, but I wanna be done as soon as I get inside. And when I ask you how it was, I want you to say,

You gotta be quick to be cool. Only five seconds, quick to be cool: make me a sandwich, quick to be cool, let’s watch Sportscenter. Baby, finish yourself off.

You gotta be quick to be cool.

Quick to be cool. Only five seconds, quick to be cool, what’s the eta on that sandwich?

Sportscenter is starting,

Look I’ve got work tomorrow,

Baby, you gotta be quick to be cool.

 

I already held ya, 

I just wanna play Zelda. 

Look, I’ve got work tomorrow.

Baby, you gotta be quick to be cool.

In and out one time.

My dong prefers sunshine

It’s a very very very quick splooge.
You gotta be quick to be cool.

 

—

 

Ted: This episode is dedicated to cigarettes. Say what you will, but when you live in a crowded city and you’d like the sidewalk to yourself, there’s nothin’ like it. So while you’re refreshing your podcast app, waitin’ on season 5, give it a try sometime. 

 

GPS: Ted, did you just encourage our listeners to take up smoking?

 

Ted: I sure did, Geeps. And I did it from the heart.

 

GPS: Oh, Jesus. Well, that’s a wrap on season 4. Thanks for listening everybody!

 

—

 

“Outtakes”

 

—Lines That Gillian Doesn’t Want 5—

 

GPS: Mike if I have to wait another minute for my coffee you might as well pour it into your dick! And I’m on the phone! Savana, what else did you get for your birthday, sweet girl? No, unfortunately Mike can’t come to the phone, he’s… you’re six, you deserve the truth. Honey, he’s about to have a penis full of hot coffee.

 

—

 

If jelly beans were hate, I’d have the most jelly beans for freedom of the press.

 

—

 

—Carbonated Clam Chowder—

 

Dave: Hey pass me the (Burps) rock. Oh, I didn’t say “cock”, did I? I think I did. That’s not what I meant.

 

Ted: Or IS it?

 

Dave: Or IS IT?! CLAM CHOWDERRR!

 

Ted: Pass the cock!

 

Dave: Pass it!

 

—

 

—Dedication—

 

Ted: Fix it! Goddamn system’s broken.

 

MPS: The show’s been on the air for 48 years.

 

—

 

MPS: I’d be really mad if someone said “One dollar” right next to me.

 

Ted: I’d be LIVID. It’s a broken system.

 

MPS: Or when they say your price plus a dollar. Like if I say…

 

Ted: Oh man! That gets my goat. That gets my goat.

 

MPS: You’re screwed. Unless you have the price exactly right, you’re screwed.

 

Ted: Oh, man. It should be a criminal offense. 

 

—

 

—Quick To Be Cool—

 

MPS: Come on. You can tell me. We go way back! What is it? Are you and Shirley still seeing each other? I always thought she was…wonderful for you…unless you’ve already broken up, in which case I hated her.

 

—

 

MPS: How’d that sound?

 

Ted: Probably not great, but passable.

 

Chelsey: I thought it was beautiful. 

 

MPS: Oh, thanks, Chelse!

 

Ted: Chelsey, you’re a terrible liar.

 

MPS: Let’s do that chunk one more time.

 

Ted and MPS: Again and again, and when I ask you…

 

—

 

—Carbonated Clam Chowder—

 

JMI: (Laughing) Wait a minute! Holy shit! Carbonated Clam Chowder! That is so…that is so terrible. Oh, God!

 

—

 

Torpey: Yeah, buddy. And that is made with real heavy cream. I don’t even think they process it.

 

MPS: Wow, it’s right outta the utters, huh?

 

Torpey: I went to the factory and they were shooting it straight from the teet into the can!

 

—

 

Torpey: Try and not burp the rest of the day. 

 

MPS: Oh, ok.

 

Torpey: If you burp, you lose some of the power.

 

“Credits”

 

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because Mike loves jazz, and he’s sad he never learned the trumpet.

 

This season of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. This season was also produced in association with our dear friends over at Mischief Media.

 

You can find full credits – including all of our incredible voice talent – plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and look–I know they’re two straight white guys with a podcast. But they’re two of the good ones. So do us a solid.

 

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

 

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