Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

April 24, 2019

Ted: Hi guys. How we doin’? Welcome back to the second episode of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Ted O’Gorman.

Michael: And I am Michael Paul Smith.

Ted: Mike can you tell us about the first sketch we have up today?

Michael: Yes. This first sketch was inspired by a friend of mine who told me that he liked to play the board game Guess Who, in a very politically incorrect, sort of buffoonish, style. And it got me to thinking–who’s the biggest buffoon in the world that I can have playing the board game Guess Who?

— “Trump Guess Who”

V.O: And now, Donald J. Trump and Stephen Miller playing the board game “Guess Who.”

*Whenever appropriate, we hear the “click” of them flicking down their panels as they narrow down their respective searches.*

MILLER: Is your person a man?

TRUMP: Yes. Would your person belong to my country club?

MILLER: Which country club?

TRUMP: Mar a Lago.

MILLER: No sir. Is your person wearing a hat?

TRUMP: No. Would I let your person clean my bathrooms?

MILLER: You most certainly would, sir. But you would not let him or her use them.

TRUMP: Ok that doesn’t really help me, Steve. Ok? If they’re not white enough to join my club, they’re obviously not white enough for a beautiful golden toilet.

MILLER: Sorry, sir. Of course you’re right. Does your person have a mustache?

TRUMP: Yes.

TRUMP: Well just shit.

MILLER: Is something wrong?

TRUMP: Stephen,l you have only one panel left. All you have to do is ask me if that’s my person.

MILLER: Don’t worry, sir. I’m having a lot of doubts about this one…

TRUMP: Oh, good. Is your person bringing guns and crime? A rapist, who some I assume are good people?

MILLER: Yes. Hmmmm…you know sir, I’m just so undecided here…I’ll have to forfeit my turn if…

TRUMP: (Interrupting) Is your person Julio??

MILLER: Yes! Congratulations, sir. You win again!

TRUMP: Tremendous. Just tremendous. I won so big. I knew right away. It took me zero turns. Ok?

MILLER: That’s right, Mr. President.

V.O: This has been Donald Trump and Steven Miller, playing Guess Who.

—

“Things You Should Never Ever Say on A First Date…or Probably Ever”

V.O: And now we present: “Things You Should Never Ever Say on A First Date…or Probably Ever.”

Person 1: I’m as good at sex as Katherine Heigel is at collaborating.

Person 2: I still sit on my dad’s lap when I want something.

Person 3: I get attached really quickly to any man I think might like me even just a little…yes, that now includes you.

Person 4: I need my friends to find you attractive, or else I won’t anymore,

Person 2: I recently started smoking cigarettes to cope with the loss of my ferret, Aloysius. I like it! Who knows what I’ll get into when Neville follows. Or Nigel, or Bertie, or Edith. Or Nigel Jr. Or Nigel the third through the fifth. Or Bertie Jr. Or Bertie non-binary…

Person 5: I’m what’s known as a doomsday prepper. If you’re not willing to spend four months of the year practicing drills for the nuclear apocalypse with me and sharing one compostable toilet in our bunker then I guess you don’t deserve me.

Person 3: I know a lot of girls will say that their favorite movie is something stupid like legally blonde. Not me. My favorite movie is Backdraft.

Person 1: I was actually in Charlottesville. And yes, there were bad people on many sides. Many sides.

Person 3: I don’t mean to be telling tales out of school, but just look at how many prescription bottles I have in my purse? All different names.

Person 5: When’s the last time you ate spaghetti o’s out of a dog bowl while wearing maternity overalls? Tomorrow your answer to that question will be, yesterday.

Person 4: Sometimes I think about you and wish I were talking to a gravestone. I know we just met. These are those sometimes.

Person 5: When I saw Joe Theismann’s leg snap, I climaxed.

Person 1: So, uh…we gonna do this thing?

V.O: This has been: “Things You Should Never Ever Say on A First Date…or Probably Ever.”

—

“Baby Bench”

V.O: Coming soon to ABC…you’ve seen kid doctors, kid ballplayers, kid detectives, and kid cops. But starting this fall…

Judge: Council approach the bench.

V.O: It’s time…

Lawyer: You are out of order!

Judge: YOU ARE OUT OF ORDER!

V.O: For a kid judge.

Judge: I hold you in contempt, sir.

V.O: He’s young…

Judge: Not in my court, councilor. Bailiff, remand that man into custody.

V.O: He’s cranky…

Judge: (Getting cranky) You’d better start observing some reasonable decorum in my courtroom…unbelievable.

V.O: And he’s gotta be in bed by 8.

Judge: I’m inclined to grant the counselor’s request for a continuance. We’ll reconvene Monday morning, 9am.

V.O: It’s “Baby Bench.”

Judge: Sir, are you aware you’re still under oath?

V.O: Featuring Sam Elliott…

Sam Elliott: That’s the man. That’s the Englishman who shot the break dancer. I’d recognize those tiny, circular eyeglasses anywhere.

Lawyer: No further questions your honor.

Judge: You can step down, witness.

V.O: Michael Caine…

Michael Caine: This man is lying for his own selfish purposes. Everybody knows I go rock climbing at 5pm every weekday. I never could have made it to the crime scene in time.

Judge: You don’t have to veer from the question, sir. Stick to the topic, and we’ll all get out of here a lot sooner.

V.O: And Ray Romano…

Ray Romano: What!? Ugh. Your honor, I’m sorry! I didn’t see it!

Judge: I’m telling you, Mr. Reggiano. You may NOT signal the jurors. They didn’t teach you that in law school?!

Ray Romano: I’m sorry!

Judge: I’m not your wife, counselor! We aren’t having an adorable argument!

V.O: Don’t upset him, or…

Judge: I tell YOU how it is or you can get your ass out of my courtroom! Am I understood!?

V.O: He’ll hold you in contemper-tantrum.

Judge: (Upset) Are we understood?!? (Starts crying) Nobody respects me. You guys are so mean!

V.O: Coming this fall to ABC.

Judge: Officer, get me the Juicy Juice!

—

“Shower With Mike”

V.O: Alright listeners. Head to the dimmer switch and lower those lights. Light your candles, lay back in your favorite chair. It’s time…to shower with Mike.

Michael: Hey babe, why don’t you climb on in here. The water’s fine. And so are you. (Pause)

Michael: Hey, why don’t I give those shoulders a rub while you soap up? Ooooh, you have a knot right here. I’d try to get it out, but your shoulders are slippery from the soap. Ok, now do me. (Pause)

Michael: Time for me to maintain my shine and bounce. If you thought I was handsome before wait till you see me with a head full of shampoo. Now, if you’d be so kind, pass me that bottle of No More Tears. (Pause)

Michael: Remember “Psycho”? Looks like we’re both on the hook to be Janet Leighs, am I right?

V.O: This has been another installment of Shower with Mike. — Michael: You guys that was our second episode. Thank you so much for listening.

Ted: Thank you so much for stoppin’ by.

Michael: Ted, I always…

Trump: Ok. I just wanna say…

Michael: Oh.

Ted: Ok.

Trump: …That I never agreed to be a part of this very un-funny, low-rated, failing show.

Ted: He’s more orange in person than you’d think.

Trump: Ok, Ted and Michael are losers.

Ted: He’s not gonna stop.

Trump: Their fathers killed Kennedy.

Michael: Just let him. He’ll tire himself out.

Ted: Do you think he even knows we’re here?

Trump: And they are both the Zodiac killer. Everybody knows this. Many people are saying this. Very sad! Ok?

Michael: That was weird.

Ted: That was strange.

Michael: Yeah. You just gotta let him talk himself out.

Ted: Yeah.

Michael: Ted I’d like to dedicate this episode to our very first girlfriends. Thanks for being the relationship guinea pigs we needed so that we could get some experience, and then take those skills with us to the women we’d come to actually love. Ladies, we couldn’t have done it without you. Stay tuned for outtakes and for our fancy outtro. We have a new episode coming out next Wednesday, and you can hear me on my wife, our producer, Gillian Pensavalle’s podcast, “The Hamilcast.” You can follow her on Twitter @thehamilcast. And she also has an amazing true crime podcast, with our friend Patrick Hinds, called “True Crime Obsessed.” You could follow then on Twitter @truecrimeobsess. No e-d.

—

“Outtakes”

–Trump Guess Who–

Miller: Which country club?

Trump: Mar-A-Lago, you half-bald dummy. — Trump: Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen…is your person Julio? — Trump: Tremendulous. Just tremendulous. I won so bigly, I knew right away, it took me zero turns.

—Baby Bench—

Braedan Mundy (as “Judge”): I’m telling you, Mr. Reggiano. You may not signal the jurors. (Breaks character) I don’t know that word.

Michael: Jurors. The people in the jury.

Braedan Mundy: Jurors. Alright.

—Shower With Mike—

Ted (As “V.O”): This has been another installment of Shower With Mike.

Michael: Now give me your sexy voice.

Ted: (Sexy voice) This has been another installment of Shower With Mike.

Michael: Great.

Gillian: No hesitation. “Oh, sexy voice? You got it. I know exactly what that is.”

—

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks. Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.