Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 2, Episode 1 Transcript

April 22, 2020

Michael: Welcome to “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” season two. It’s here! You guys, it’s here.

Ted: We’re baaaaack.

Michael: Ted, I’m psyched. Are you psyched?

Ted: I am. I’m very psyched. We got some good stuff, we got some bad stuff, we got some in-between stuff.

Michael: We do. We have the whole range of quality of stuff. We also have some really exciting special guests this season. From tv, from theatre, and a lot of sketches this season involve you and I and Gillian playing like versions of ourselves. And the first sketch of the first episode of season two is exactly one of those, so…Having said that, none of those fancy special guests are in this first sketch. That’s just us.

Ted: No, that’s just…have you heard this?

Michael: I have. Have you?

Ted: No.

Michael: Oh. Well let’s listen to it.

Ted: Ok.

“If We Didn’t Know Each Other”

MPS: Ted?

Ted: Yeah Mike.

MPS: I was thinking about some feedback that we got from our very good friend Nik Walker. He said that he’d like to see and hear more about us.

Ted: Be careful what you wish for, Nik.

MPS: And it occured to me that a lot of our audience doesn’t know a lot about us outside of playing silly characters, aside from one or two things.

Ted: It’s true.

MPS: So I thought today we could start off the episode with a little glimpse at who you and I are as people. For instance, if you saw me walk in a room and didn’t know me at all.

Ted: But I’ve known you for years.

MPS: I know Ted, but this is pretend. So, if you and I had never met…

Ted: I’d be sad if we never met.

MPS: First off, no you wouldn’t be, because you wouldn’t know that we hadn’t met. Just as a point of fact, there are more people in the world you haven’t met than those you have.

Ted: That makes me sad too.

MPS: Let’s just get back to the game. You and I have never met. You’re at a party and you’re having a great time. Then you look across the room and see me enter. What’s the one word you’d use to describe me?

Ted: Hmmmmm… Swole?

MPS: Are you asking me or are you telling me?

Ted: Swole. I’m sure of it.

MPS: Just out of curiosity, and I’m sure I’m going to regret this, why swole?

Ted: Because when I close my eyes and imagine I’m at a party and we never met before, when I see you for the first time you’re really muscular. Not freakish, just swole. You spent all the time not knowing me at the gym… getting swole.

MPS: Jesus Christ.

Ted: Swole.

MPS: I feel like if I didn’t know you I would have a healthier lifestyle, but not that I’d necessarily spend all that time lifting weights.

Ted: Ok now do me! What would your word be if you saw me for the first time? What’s my essence?

MPS: Obviously…. Man child.

Ted: I knew you were going to say that! But that is so off. My essence is Cardi B.

MPS: I’m amazed you even know who Cardi B is, and I don’t think you get the game.

Ted: Well it’s your game and I think I played it very well.

MPS: Oh yeah? Well we have a neutral party here. Hey Gillian can you come in here for a minute?

Gillian: What’s up?

MPS: If you’d never met Ted before and saw him at a party for the first time, what would your first impression of him be?

Gillian: Man with the essence of Cardi B. No brainer. In fact, if Ted was a character in Harry Potter his Patronus would be Cardi B. In fact if Ted unzipped his face right now and Cardi B had been in a Ted-skin suit the whole time, that wouldn’t surprise me. That’s how Cardi B this man is!

(Sound of Ted and Gillian high fiving)

Ted: Thanks Geeps. She gets me.

MPS: Ok smart guy. Well watch this. Gillian what would my essence be?

Gillian: Swole. But only if we had never met and you spent a lot of time working out.

MPS: I wouldn’t have had to spend that much more time working out…

Ted: More time than you think…we’re not saying fit Mike. We’re saying swole.

Gillian: You happy, Nik Walker?

MPS: You wanna see me do some fuckin’ pushups? I’ll do 40 good pushups right now.

Ted: Don’t hurt yourself.

MPS: I’m not gonna hurt myself cause I am pretty swole.

Ted: Ok.

MPS: An un-swole person would hurt themself.

Ted: What’s the thing you do with your butt? Twerk! I can twerk with the best of them?

MPS: “What’s the thing you do with your butt?” That’s a loaded question. Lots of things.

Ted: Yeah, there are lots of things you do with your butt, I suppose. Take dumps?

“Hogwarts Canada 1”

O.G: Have you had it up to here bein’ the last to know aboot cool goin’s` on in the world? Do you feel like life is passin’ you by one centimeter at a time? Well don’t worry aboot it, ‘bud`. Because Hogwarts is comin’ to Canada. Here’s some testimonials, if you don’t believe me. Soarry if that sounded harsh, there.

GPS: I was the chef in a failing restaurant in Muskoka. I couldn’t even sell poutine to U.S tourists! So I enrolled in Hogwarts Canada, where I excelled in potions class. Now my gravy is just perfect, and it makes people fall in love with ya!

Mike Houston: The Canadian Hogwarts uniform is blue jeans with a denim jacket. And don’t worry about school interfering with your normal schedule. We have never, and will never ever have classes scheduled during Hockey Night in Canada. That would be a travesty. I’d punch ya right in the mouth.

MPS: We love Quidditch here at Hogwarts Canada. The rules are the same, except fighting is allowed. But if you get injured, you got nothin’ to worry aboot. Our world famous health care system will see you back to playing form in no time. And hey, it’s not free. We pay for it with tax dollars. But the average citizen saves money. Do the math, America. It’s not hard. Hell, knock on any of our doors and we’ll talk ya through it!

OG: Here at Hogwarts Canada, discipline is a key part of your education. Misbehavior such as staying out after curfew will earn you a detention. And your detention will be served by doing Tim Horton’s runs for the faculty. Just don’t drive like Tim Horton did on the Q.E.W.

JJC: We have a little joke at the Canadian Hogwarts campus. Ok, you ready? It goes like this, ‘Canadian hogwarts is great. Don’t believe me. It’s Trudeau.’ Because, you know, of Justin Trudeau. (Laughs) Well ok, look. We can’t all be Norm McDonald.

OG: (Out of breath) *ROAD SOUNDS/WEATHER SOUNDS* Hey Mitch! Mitchell! Hey Mitchell! You dropped your wallet aboot 2 kilometers back. Oh, it’s no trouble. I just ran along with the traffic for a while there. The visibility bein’ so bad and all. Oh, no. I couldn’t. Just glad I could get it back to ya. Have a good one, now! (To audience) First plow I ever owned was from Mitch’s father, who…we used to…anyway. Enroll in Hogwarts Canada today. Act now, and get a free pencil crayon, and a pint of Molsen’s butter beer, with higher alcohol content, would you believe it, than the English or American butter beer. We can’t send you an owl. You have to send us one. Use your time turner and call five minutes ago and receive a free DVD copy of “The Score” with Robert DeNiro and Edward Norton. There’s no special features…and we don’t have Blu Ray up here yet. But…just, anyway, still worth a look.

I went to Hogwarts
And I got sorted
And I got sorted
And I got sorted
Get sorted
For life

OG: Keeners always welcome!

—

Ted: Time to swim in the deep end of the pool where Ted and Michael keep their weirdness, and alligators.

Michael: I have no idea how to intro this sketch, so I guess that’ll have to do. Listen to this.

—

“Nazi Philharmonic”

*AN ELEVATOR DINGS AND OPENS*

Guy: Hi, I’m…I’m not sure I’m in the right place…is this the…3rd floor?

Girl: Sure is. What can I help you find?

Guy: I’m here for…I don’t…it’s kind of weird to say out loud.

Girl: Well I can’t really help you unless you say what you’re here for…

Guy: (Under his breath. Inaudible) The Nazi rally.

Girl: That what?

Guy: (Under his breath. Still inaudible) The Nazi rally.

Girl: I’m still not getting it.

Guy: (Barely audibly) The Nazi rally. I’m here for the Nazi rally.

Girl: The gnarly Raleigh? Like in North Carolina? I’ve never been. I’m sure it’s very nice.

Guy: No the (barely audibly) Nazi rally. (Slightly audibly) I’m here for the Nazi rally.

Girl: The…Nazi rally?

*Pause*

Guy: Yes. Thank you!

Girl: Well, you’re in luck my friend.

Guy: Really?

Girl: Yeah, come on in. Make yourself comfortable.

Guy: Awesome! Cause I was sure I was in the wrong place.

Girl: It’s not a rally, so much as a small gathering/recording session. Cedric’s with the band. SEDGE! Get in here! (To Guy) He’ll be right in.

Guy: How’s the band? Are they awesome?

Girl: Oh my God. Unbelievable. Best band we’ve recorded…maybe ever.

Guy: Oh, I can’t wait. I just love hateful music.

Girl: Totally. SEDGE! Get…oh.

Cedric: I’m here. I’m here. Hey, I’m Cedric. Nice to meet you. This is Kelly.

Guy: Hi. I’m Tom.

Kelly: Hey Tom.

Cedric: Tom! Great Nazi name. Nice and simple.

Tom: Thanks. Maybe that’s what initially drew me to the movement.

Kelly: Tom’s really interested in the band, Sedge.

Cedric: Oh. You are?

Tom: Yeah, I actually…I thought this was gonna be a rally/party kind of a thing. That’s why I wore such raggedy clothes. I know the skinhead mosh pits can get pretty crazy.

Cedric: Well, yeah. The party is open to the public, but we don’t really have the rowdiest of attendees these days. Come on into the studio. It’s just us and the band for now.

Tom: Oh, cool. Thanks. It’ll be like a private show!

*They walk into the studio. DOOR OPENS Cedric speaks into a microphone so the band hears in the “booth”*

Cedric: Hey guys. We have a new audience member here in the studio. His name’s Tom. (He listens) I know! Good Nazi name.

Cedric: (To Tom) They say hi.

Tom: Oh, please…tell them I said hi.

Cedric: Tom says hi back, fellas. So guys, let’s give our new friend here a taste of what we’ve been working on. Kind of show him a peek into the kitchen, if you will.

*They play a lovely CLASSICAL SYMPHONY*

Cedric: Really nice guys. And classically hateful. I mean just so beautifully anti-anything other than white. So hateful.

Tom: Oh, I didn’t…I was under the impression, this would be more of a…scream-core type of band. As they…universally are.

Cedric: No, we’re branching out from that. This is the Nazi Philharmonic. A classical interpretation of our ethos that we’re hoping will market us toward a savvier, more educated kind of racist.

Kelly: The urban, red-hatted racists, if you will.

Tom: I see. Interesting. What’s this song called?

Cedric: It’s called “The Holocaust is a myth…that we wish was actually real.” You see, it captures the wistful complexity of denying something so popularly acknowledged, and yet wishing it were so.

Kelly: Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Tom: Wow. So many…levels.

Cedric: Exactly. (Into the mic) Hey guys, let’s play a few bars of the next one. And Marcus, you have a high-hat for a reason, yes? Thank you. Let’s remember we’re professionals. (To Tom) Darling gents, but just lazy sometimes.

*The band plays a few bars of a jaunty, NUTCRACKER-ESQUE SYMPHONY*

Tom: That’s pretty, too. What’s it called?

Kelly: It’s called “99% Aryan is not 100. You also must be cleansed.”

Cedric: It’s about…

Tom: Oh, no. I got it.

Cedric: Yeah. Good. You like it?

Tom: It’s certainly…upbeat for a song of such…conviction.

Cedric: That’s right, Tom. It is.

Kelly: You hungry, Tom?

Tom: I could eat, sure.

Kelly: Great. We have patte, beluga caviar, and a nice Riesling that should be aerated by now.

Tom: Mmmmm. Riesling. Of course!

Kelly: (To Cedric) He gets it.

Cedric: He does. He really does.

*They exit*

Cedric: (Into the microphone) Ok guys, let’s take “Joe Louis must have been cheating” from the top. Sieg heil, guys. Great work so far.

—

Michael: Speaking of…creepy Germans, here’s the next sketch? No.

Ted: Here’s a continuation of a series of sketches we had in season one.

Michael: That I would say is the most unlikely fan favorite sketch series we could’ve imagined.

Ted: Well, we’ve got odd fans, Mike.

Michael: Yeah. We love you guys.

Ted: This is for you.

—

“Werner/Zahn 5”

Werner: Hello and welcome back to another episode of “Werner Herzog interviews Steve Zahn.” With me as always, Steve Zahn. Steve, please blow a kiss to our loyal listeners.

Zahn: Werner, I’m so thirsty.

Werner: If you’re interested in drinking water, you’ll blow the audience a kiss.

Zahn: Alright, uh…MWA.

Werner: Thank you, Steve. Steve you played DJ Davis McAlary in the HBO series Treme, may I say you were Treme-ndous. Give us a giggle for the joke, Steve. Something from deep in the belly.

Zahn: Uh…hee hee hee.

Werner: The sheer force of your performance has caused the floodwaters to recede, the levies to be rebuilt, and the institutional corruption to be rooted out. Congratulations, you saved New Orleans. More importantly…You saved jaaaaaaazzzzzz.

*Werner scats over Steves response*

Zahn: Well Werner, jazz is a living tradition of 120 years. And there’s still corruption and the levies still need infrastructure help. What are you doing?

Werner: Sorry, Steve. Along with beatboxing, one of my other favorite forms of mouth music is that known as scatting. I was scatting under what you were saying to honor all those thousands of musicians that were displaced by the terrible hurricane in New Orleans.

Zahn: Oh, because…

Werner: MUSICIANS, you owe Steve Zahn a debt of gratitude. Bow down when you see him, and clear your street for the parade on Zahn day, that will soon be declared.

Zahn: Instead of Sunday?

Werner: Yes instead of Sunday. Of course. We’ll have a weekly parade for you in the city. Steve I’d like to say good-bye to our listeners. Since they’ve already heard me perform, perhaps you would scat as I did the intro. Scat Steve! Scat for your hundreds of fans. Ladies and gentlemen, this is…SCAT STEVE!

*Steve proceeds to scat*

Werner: Thank you. Keep going or I feed your peanut butter and jelly sandwich to the dog again. Thank you for listening to another episode of Werner Herzog interviews Steve Zahn. Steve I’m turning off the recorder now!

Steve: (Over Werner) Send help. I think I saw a sign that said Magnolia Blvd.

—

Michael: Well, we promised you guys that if you didn’t like season one, you probably wouldn’t like season 2 either.

Ted: You’re gonna hate it.

Michael: So we’ve been nothing if not consistent. Wouldn’t you agree?

Ted: I do.

Michael: Cool. Ted, I’d like to dedicate this episode to the screaming children in the schoolyard across the street from my apartment. Their unnatural and untethered reactions to each other, and lack of volume control, assure us of two things: 1) That we’re sure to spend some quality time together each week when it’s too loud to record. And 2) That we’re making the right decision by not having children ourselves.

Ted: Mike, don’t get me started.

Michael: Stay tuned for outtakes.

Ted: Free of charge, you lucky bastards.

Michael: The whole episode’s free of charge.

Ted: We’re not gettin’ paid for this shit?

Gillian: NO!

Michael: No.

Ted: Alright. If Gillian’s not getting paid. No one’s getting paid. I know that much. I definitely know that.

Michael: Well in other news, we have a new episode coming out next week. You can hear me on Gillian’s podcast The Hamilcast, from time to time. You can find that show on Twitter and Instagram @thehamilcast. And she also has a True Crime podcast called True Crime Obsessed, and you can find them on Twitter @truecrime obsess (no e-d). And you can follow us on Twitter at…no, you already say that. So I’ll just leave it at that. We’ll end it at “no-ed.”

Gillian: We’re keeping all that in. It’s cute.

Ted: Yeah. You are cute. In those workout pants.

Michael: Thanks pal. I appreciate it.

Gillian: Welcome to season two.

Ted: Welcome to season two, we’re filtering less.

—

“Outtakes”

Michael: So thanks for sticking around. We appreciate you.

Ted: Eh.

Michael: Well I…That was Ted appreciating you. Just then.
—

“If We Didn’t Know Each Other”

Ted: Well it’s your game and I think I played it very well.

Michael: Gillian can you come in here a minute?

Gillian: You know what? I’m gonna actually get up and do the…

Michael: Great. Do you wanna just read your lines?

*Gillian laughs*

Michael: No. I’m just saying. No shade.

—

Ted: He’s so handsome. What’s his name? That’s a Cardi B song.

—

“Hogwarts Canada”

OG: The room of requirement’s only 27 meters from the, uh…shit.

—

OG: The room of requirement’s…the room of requirement’s…the room of requirement’s only 27 meters from the real janitor’s closet for P’s S.

—

Alison: If you seen him, just let him know that all my…all his family…oh shit.

—

Gillian: So for Hogwarts Canada, I’m just gonna do line reads, cause I don’t know what I’m doing. You guys just tell me what to say.

—

Gillian: Is that the Hogwarts? Haagwarts?

Ted: HAGwarts.

Gillian: HAGwarts?

Michael: So not. But I love it. All the Canadiens are gonna be like, “These fuckin’ assholes.”

Gillian: Well they can join everybody in Boston. How ‘bout that?

—

Michael: “And he said ‘what do I know, I don’t arrange that kinda thing?’” Remember that guy from “Fargo”? He’s like one of the neighbors, and he’s like, “‘He asked me where I can go for some action’ and I said ‘what kinda action’ and he said ‘woman action, what do I look like’ and I said ‘what do I look like, I don’t arrange that kinda thing.’” I’ll try it like that.

—

Mike Houston: I’ll put you in Azkaban if you did that. I’ll punch ya right in the schnoz. I’d take on Hagrid, I would. I’d take him right on. Right in the mouth.

—

OG: Have a good one, though! Give my best to Mary Beth!

—

OG: (Out of breath) That air is cold. Cold in your chest.

—

OG: Oh. Hi. You’re back. Mitch, Mitch and I went to school together. The first plow that I ever owned was from Mitch’s father. Believe it or not. Anyway. Knee slap.

—

“Nazi Philharmonic”

Gillian: Marcus.

Ted: Try it once more?

Michael: I love Marcus

Gillian: It reminds me of “About A Boy.”

Ted: I was just watching “About A Boy”!

Gillian: England, the world, the universe.

—

Cedric: I’m looking at you, viola. I don’t hear the hate coming from your strings. I need anti-semitism from your strings. Alright? So let’s take it again. And, uh, really ramp it up this time guys. Ok? Thank you.

—

“Werner/Zahn 5”

Werner: Steve you played DJ Davis…(Ted) How do you say it again?

Michael: Macallary.

Werner: DJ Davis Macallary in the HBO series “Treme.” And may I say, you were tremendous.

Michael: “Treme”ndous.

Werner: “Treme”ndous.

—

Michael: And all that…

Ted and Michael: Jazz.

Michael: “This has been Werner Herzog”…I mean, that’s it.

—

Werner: “Treme”ndous.

Gillian: I think Werner is really proud of that joke.

Michael: Yeah.

Gillian: He’s really…

Werner: You’re not laughing, Steve. Give me a giggle. Something from the belly.

Michael: Oh! So gross.

Gillian: “Give me a giggle.” That’s disgusting.

Zahn: Uh…hee-hee-hee.

Werner: Thank you. You’ve been a wonderful audience.

—

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.