Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

May 5, 2020

Michael: Hello hello. Welcome to “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” I’m Michael…

Ted: There you go again with that snide tone. People don’t like that. I apologize, guys. I’m Ted O’Gorman. Mike didn’t mean to take a tone with you. Welcome to episode three. Let’s just dive right in. Mike, can I talk to you off mic for a second?

Michael: I thought I was the nice one.

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“Reading Rainbow 1”

Theme song: (Sung) Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high.Take a look, it’s in a book. Reading Rainbow. I can go anywhere. Friends to know, and ways to grow. Reading Rainbow. I can be anything. Take a look, it’s in a book. Reading Rainbow. Reading Rainbow, Reading Rainbow…

Billy: My name is Billy Eastman, and I read “Dogs and Donuts. This book is about, um a bunch of dogs, puppies really, that were caught by a dog catcher and the dog catcher takes them to the pound. When he leaves to catch more dogs. Fido, the oldest of the dogs figures out how to get out of his cage, and lets the other dogs out of their cages and they eat the dog catcher’s donuts before going back in their cages and locking the doors so the dog catcher won’t know that they stole the donuts. And then when the dog catcher comes back, he sees them with powdered sugar on their faces, and boy is he mad. I give this book a “D”, because they tell me that’s what dog starts with.

“Hair Fuzz Cap”

Narrator: Hey there fella, are you tired of hearing this…?

Woman: Oh my god look at that guy with the thinning hair. He’s so gross.

Narrator: And then in the same breath, you hear this…

Woman: But Jason Statham and The Rock are like hot bald guys, because when it grows in a little bit you can totally tell they decided to shave it themselves.

Narrator: Introducing the Hair Fuzz Cap. The newly designed hair piece that looks like you chose to shave your head, but havent for a few days. Making you look like a confident man with hair who decided to shave it as a fashion choice. The system couldn’t be simpler. First shave the rest of your existing hair down to the skin. Make sure you’re shaved clean. Next apply our Hair Fuzz epoxy, a proprietary blend of industrial adhesives that will keep Hair Fuzz Cap on for 2 days at a time. Once you’ve slathered your scalp in glue, begin to slide on the Hair Fuzz cap. Don’t worry, it’s supposed to be snug. This might look like a normal bald cap, but when you get it fully in place you’ll notice your scalp has the appearance of a 5 o’clock shadow. You’re one step closer to looking like a man who chose to go bald. Lastly, match your skin tone with our included concealer and cover any places where the seam of the Hair Fuzz cap doesn’t look natural. Now instead of hearing this:

Woman: He’s balding, so gross!

Narrator: You’ll hear this…

Woman: Excuse me cutie, can I give you my number?

Narrator: Hair Fuzz cap. Look like you chose to go bald.

Disclaimer voice: When using Hair Fuzz cap, do not stand long in direct sunlight as this might cause the epoxy to cure, thereby leaving the cap permanently glued to your scalp. Hair Fuzz Cap can diminish existing hair growth or stop it permanently. Discontinue use of cap if erectile dysfunction lasts for more than 2 weeks.

All: (Singing) Stop lookin’ like crap, use a hair Fuzz Cap!

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Michael: Well hold onto your hats, ladies and gents…

Ted: Or your hair fuzz caps.

Michael: Very good. Well done. Because we have more literacy, children, and PBS comin’ right up.

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“Reading Rainbow 2”

Ralph: (Sneezes) Hi. My name is Ralph. My book that I read is called Grandpa’s Ghost. It’s a (Sneezes) book about a boy whose grandpa dies one day while the boy was at school. And the boy was very sad, until he gets a visit from…you (Sneezes) guessed it, grandpa’s ghost! And even though the boy was scared at first, he still got to play with his grandpa one last time. I liked this book because my grandfather was hit in the temple by a baseball bat, at one of my baseball games that he was umping, so it was pretty much my fault that he died. I give this book a (Sneezes) “B” for baseball. Excuse me. I’ve sneezed all over the microphone.

—

“Surprise Scalding Hot Water”

Narrator: Is that morning cup of Joe leaving you feeling a little flat by 3PM?
Do you find yourself reaching for a midday coffee or energy drink? So much caffeine can have consequences on a person’s health. High blood pressure, interrupted sleep patterns, jitteriness, and caffeine withdrawal are all just a few of the side effects that should concern you. But don’t think for one second you have to go through the day without something to put some pep in your step. Introducing “Surprise! Scalding Hot Water.”
*SFX OF WATER SPLASH FOLLOWED BY SCREAM*
You’ll always be your sharpest when the constant threat of having scalding hot water thrown into your face looms, like an extremely dangerous authority figure, standing over you, watching your every move. Our specially trained technicians will lurk in the shadows of your home and office, waiting for the moment you let your guard down to douse you in nearly boiling H2O. Listen to these happy customers!

Woman: I’m a stay at home mom. With the new baby’s arrival, sleep was hard to come by. I feel like I’m never well-rested anymore. And I found myself needing to nap every time she did. My days were being wasted! But then I found out about “Surprise! Scalding Hot Water.” It started working the very first day. I was cleaning up little Beth’s toys when I felt that familiar fatigue. I opened my mouth to yawn and got a face full of smoldering water. It went down my throat and got in my eyes. I’ve never felt more awake or scared to live in my own home (*Nervous laughter dotted with sobbs).

Guy 2: I was a 2 pot a day man. People would always laugh, “Ugh, don’t talk to Martin. He hasn’t had his coffee yet.” I was a real bear without it. But then the wife started worrying about what all that caffeine could be doing to me. Without telling me, she signed me up for “Surprise! Scalding Hot Water.” Imagine if someone you love cared about you so much to hire a stranger to always keep a large pot of water simmering nearby so they can throw it in your face if you even present the hint that you’re sleepy. I mean, I’d seen the commercials but I just didn’t think it would work. Boy was I wrong. The day I stopped drinking coffee was a rough one. I was really dragging. But then I had a large stockpot of scalding hot water poured over my penis while I dosed at my desk. Talk about a wakeup! No more looking tired at work for me! I’ll also need skin grafts if I want to make love to my wife again! So thank you honey, and thank you Surprise Scalding Hot Water.

Narrator: (Whispered) Never get a case of the sleepies again with “Surprise! Scalding hot water.” Ooops–got to go, I think I see somebody nodding off.

*SFX OF WATER SPLASH FOLLOWED BY SCREAM*

Guy 3: (Finishes screaming and laughs) Oh man. Thanks for that. Wow. Yeah you caught me. I was nodding off there. Wow that burns. That really hurts the old ear canals. Wow, I can’t hear. I can’t hear anything. Am I making sound right now? I don’t know. My mouth was open and everything. I can feel my tongue callusing as we speak. I’ll never taste again. Thanks Surprise Scalding Hot Water.

V.O: Hey, anytime.

*SFX OF WATER SPLASH FOLLOWED BY SCREAM*

V.O: It’s “Surprise! Scalding Hot water.” Available at Sur La Table.

“Reading Rainbow 3”

Phillip: My name’s Phillip, and my book was called (Trying to pronounce) Me…Me in…Me in…Kam…Pf. Me-in-Kam-pf. But it’s not a book about summer camp. This book is about someone who thought that he was born to be the leader of his country, even when he tried to get elected and they sent him to time out. He never gave up because he said he was superior. I liked this book because even though sometimes my parents can’t afford nice clothes for me, it made me feel that my jeans were superior, too. I have blue and black ones. This book was long but it made more and more sense the more I read it. I give this book a ZEEBHAN!

“Mustachio Ice Cream”

V.O: Hey there Ice cream lovers! Is rocky road not rocking your world? Has cookie dough become a cookie don’t? Does the thought of coffee ice cream leave you drowsy? You’re not alone. Millions of people are tired of having to choose from the same boring flavors day after day, year after year. When will something new come along?! McClure’s Creamery is proud to present Mustachio Ice Cream, the world’s first ice cream with chunks of real mustache mixed in Don’t believe us, just listen to some of our satisfied customers!

Woman: Oh my God, It’s like I’m eating Tom Selleck’s upper lip. But like, with a mouthful of cold dairy fat. I didn’t know what I was missing until I tasted this. So good!

Man1: I’m getting Joseph Stalin with hints of that waxed pointed thing that Salvador Dali rocked. I’m amazed. I’m not usually a fan of facial hair. But when it’s in my ice cream, sign me up!

V.O.: As with all Mclure’s flavors, Mustachio Ice Cream lives up to the high standard you’ve come to know and love. We promise you’ll never taste a wisp of sideburn or goatee, and if you find a soul patch, your next gallon is on us! Our closely guarded recipe will put follicles in your freezer!

Man2: My kids got me an ice cream maker for father’s day. And of course the first thing I did was shave my mustache and try and make ice cream with it. Well after tasting McClure’s I’m leaving it to the experts. Mine was nowhere near this chock a block full of mustachey goodness!

Man3: (Spitting) Jesus christ! Why would anyone do this to themselves? Is this a prank show or something? My whole BLEEP mouth is full of hair. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and I was once stuck in an elevator with Alex Jones! There’s still a ringing in my ears! Seriously… this is BLEEP terrible. What kind of sadistic BLEEP does this to people? BLEEP you, BLEEP you, and BLEEP you! I’m outta here!

V.O.: McClure’s Creamery Mustachio Ice Cream, we admit, it’s not for everyone! Find it in your freezer section.

“Reading Rainbow 4”

Billy: Hi. My name is Pat Damon. I’m 4th grade, and I read the book the Kam…..a Sutra….Kamma Suttra…the camera suitor. And in the camera suitor, it was a very good book. It had lots of nice pictures of people hugging. And smiling. And, doing…wheelbarrow races. And it was just really…it was neat. And my favorite part of the book was the climax. Which they talked about a lot of times, but I never really knew when it was, except they needed towels after. I give this book an A minus.

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Michael: So shout out to Ted’s brother Mike for not only voicing one of the kids in Reading Rainbow, as he’s in a great many of our episodes, but he put together all the music for Reading Rainbow, and just rocked it. It was like opening a present when he sent us that.

Ted: Yup. Appreciate it, buddy. He did a lot of work on that.

Michael: Fantastic.

Ted: And we’re very appreciative to have Mike be part of the team.

Michael: Ted, this episode goes out to the Majestic Diner. One of few places in Nassau County that’s open twenty-four hours. We’d write our second-rate material there, while drinking coffee ‘til all hours.

Ted: Are they paying us for this?

Michael: I’d be very surprised.

Ted: Then I’m not saying anything else.

Michael: Here’s to you, Majestic! One half of this show’s hosts are willing to endorse you on the record, for free. Stay tuned for outtakes, all you beautiful people, as Ted and I are deeply deeply flawed. And of course we have a new episode coming out next week. You can hear me on Gillian’s podcast The Hamilcast, from time to time. You can find that show on Twitter and Instagram @thehamilcast. And she also has a True Crime podcast called True Crime Obsessed, and you can find them on Twitter @truecrimeobsess (no e-d).

Ted: And I’m Ted!

Michael: Ted’s middle child syndrome is acting up again.

Ted: It’s like “Here’s all the stuff you can get from Gillian…” Wait a second! Don’t forget me!

Michael: You guys!

Ted: Hey you guys!

“Outtakes”

“Hair Fuzz Cap”

V.O: A propriet…this is the tough one.

—
V.O: Once you’ve slathered your scalp in glue…

—

V.O: Once you’ve slathered your scalp in glue…

—

V.O: Once you’ve just slathered your scalp in glue, begin to slide on the hair fuzz cap. Don’t worry. It’s supposed to be snug.

Hallie: That’s good.

Gillian: That’s perfect.

Ted: JUST slathered!

MPS: It’s just one word that did it.

—

Disclaimer voice: When using Hair Fuzz cap, do not stand long in direct sunlight as this might cause the epoxy to cure, thereby leaving the cap permanently glued to your scalp. Hair Fuzz Cap can diminish existing hair growth or stop it permanently. Discontinue use of cap if erectile dysfunction lasts for more than 2 weeks.

Hallie: Woo!

Ted: Nice!

Gillian: One take!

—

Nick: Relax myself, you know? Yeah.

—

Nick: I started to nod off at my desk and bam! A face full of hot water so hot…blah. A face full of hot water so hot. (Singing) Outtake soooong. (Spoken) That’s…not funny enough for the outtakes.

—
Nick: I used to try and grab a quick nap at my desk after lunch. You know, just a little recharge. But, my boss caught me. He told me, “One more time and you’re fired.” I was scared to lose my job, so I signed up for “Surprise! Scalding Hot Water.” My membership paid for itself the very first day. I started to nod off at my desk and bam! A face full of water so hot I thought it was lava. It worked so well my tear ducts are melted shut! I haven’t taken a nap at work since. And now I’m not even distracted by women wanting to date me so much anymore!

—

Gillian: I’ve never felt more awake or scared to live in my own home (*Nervous laughter dotted with sobbs). I, just…I can’t even make the tears.

—

Julian: V.O: It’s “Surprise! Scalding Hot water.” Available at Sur La Tabluh.

—

“Credits”

Gillian: Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones was written by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improvisation because this is a comedy podcast, guys. We’re not tied to the page. The podcast was produced by me, Gillian Pensavalle, and edited by me and Michael Paul Smith. You can subscribe everywhere you get your podcasts, and we’d really really appreciate it if you rate and review us on apple podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest, you don’t wanna be on Ted’s bad side. Follow the guys on twitter @tedandmichael; individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Visit www.tedandmichael.com for episodes and full credits, including voice over actors and music tracks.
Thanks again for listening. Stay weird, friends.