Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 3, Episode 1 Transcript

January 28, 2022

MPS: Hello hello, welcome to Season 3 of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith and with me of course is Ted O’Gorman. It has been a while, but man is it great to be back! Ted and I were able to record this whole season from our own homes thanks to those modern recording technologies that we’ve finally gotten up-to-date with. So we’ve managed to stay covid safe and in terms of quality, I don’t think you’d ever know we weren’t in the same room.  Right Ted? 

(Long pause) Ted? Ted? I can see you bud, but…not a word. Oooookay. Seems like for the first time ever we’re having a little technical difficulty. That was sarcasm. Ted, not sure you can hear me. We’ll just roll right along with the first epis—

Ted: That’s right, man. The quality is unmatched. We haven’t lost a step, even though we’re hundreds of miles away!

MPS: Ahhh, there you go! Ted, I didn’t think you could hear there for a sec. You’re also a little blurry. But I’m glad to see that’s been resolved. 

(Long pause) Has it been…? Ted can you hear me now? Ted? Alright, don’t know what’s going on here. We’ll get it sorted out. Without further adieu here’s this season’s first ske–

Ted: Ohhh yeah man you’re coming in crystal clear. Crystal clear. Sharp as a tack, that audio!

MPS: I see what’s happening. Ted, somethings wrong, you’re just on a bit of a delay. I’ll just intro the sketch and then Gillian will troubleshoot your issue. You don’t have to talk anymore. Ok? I’ll take this one bud. Ok, without further adieu–

Ted: Delay, I’d don’t think so. No delay on my end Mike.

MPS: Please be quiet. I promise you’re on a delay and you keep interrupting me when I’m speaking. I’ve got this intro pal. Thanks. This sketch is called Late Night in Billy’s Stomach. We wrote this sketch years ago when we performed–

Ted: Mums the word pal, take it away!

MPS: MOTHER OF GOD!!!

—

“Late Night In Billy’s Stomach”

Announcer:Live from the greatest tummy in the world it’s Late Night in Billy’s Stomach, the only talk show that takes place in the belly of an irresponsible nine year old! Here’s your host: Spearmint Gum!

*Enthusiastic applause

Spearmint: Welcome everyone to another episode of Late Night in Billy’s Stomach. As always, I am your host Spearmint Gum. Please welcome my sidekick: a piece of wax fruit Billy ate back in 2015! So, Waxy, what did you get up to this weekend?

Waxy: Not too much. Hung around, relaxed. Went out to this new bar that opened recently called The Peptic Ulcer. Weird crowd, fun time.

Spearmint: Yeah, I heard about that place, little hole in the wall joint?

*Laughter

Waxy: That’s the one. And let me tell you, I’m no doctor, but Billy is way too young to have an ulcer that can fit a crowd that big! The place was hopping! The stomach lining was out the door! Yowzah!

Spearmint: Sounds colorful.

*Applause

Waxy: He must be in crippling pain!

Spearmint: Let’s hope so! This kid is terrible. Glad to hear The Peptic Ulcer was a good time. I’ll have to check it out. I went to that new Gastric Pub a few days ago. Didn’t love it.

Waxy: Not a fan, huh?

Spearmint: Took forever to get a drink at the bar, and the food was in such small portions.

*Laughter and applause

Spearmint: Hey, look who it is. Let’s say hello to the best band in the biz: Bubblicious and the Rubber Band!

*Musical flourish

Spearmint: Whadda say, Bubs?

Bubblicious: Ohhhhh, hey Spearmint, how’s it stickin’?

Spearmint: Bubblicious we’ve been doing this show for a long time, haven’t we?

Bubblicious: Oh, long time, baby! Since Billy’s 6th birthday, and he’s already nine and a half!

Spearmint: Time flies, right? We’ve broadcasted within several hospitals and reformatories. This kid’s rap sheet and medical history is as diverse as it can get! 

Bubblicious: But makes for great TV though, don’t it!

Spearmint: Sure does. Perfect segue, Bubs. Thanks for that. (To audience) We’re thrilled to be broadcasting live for you this evening. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Billy always eats the most interesting guests. Marbles, pennies, evidence of his many heinous crimes, you name it!

Waxy: Kid’s for sure a sociopath! Yowzah!

Spearmint: You know it. Good thing there’s no “NCIS: Billy’s Stomach!” Am I right?

*Laughter

Waxy: (Through laughter) Not yet anyway!

Spearmint: Powdered donut hole is here tonight! 

*Applause

Spearmint: Billy swallowed it whole for breakfast this morning. Didn’t even taste it. What an idiot. And later tonight we have the musical stylings of latin rock sensation frijoles negros! 

*Applause

Spearmint: Billy ate them last night when his father was on the phone with his mistress! Folks all I’m saying is that if it’s true that some people eat their feelings, Billy must be the most empathetic kid on the planet! He scarfed those beans down quicker than he did that Cotton Candy he ate, back when he found out he was repeating 2nd grade! 

Waxy: Yowzah!

*Applause/laughter/rimshot

Spearmint: You know it. But first we thought we’d do a little top eleven list. Let’s try that. 

*Theme music and applause

Spearmint: The uh category tonight is “Top 11 Reasons Billy Will Surely Die Before His 13th Birthday.” Billy is 9, and it’s no secret he’s not exactly health conscious. So what we’ve done here is compiled a list of reasons that he will not live to see 13. Here we go, number 11:

11) His imaginary friend is bleach. Number ten.

10) He fell thirty feet out of an oak tree attempting to play quidditch. Number nine.

9) He tried to write his name in the snow with his pee and wound up in Pittsburgh. 

Waxy: Hahaha, Pittsburgh.

Spearmint: Number eight.

8) He once tried to climb into the oven telling his mom “I want to see the cookies bake, I want to see the cookies bake.” Number seven.

7) His lifelong dream is to dance with lava. Number six.

6) His affinity for shooting squirrels with his bb gun and swearing to high heaven that squirrels live in his face. Number five.

5) He once poked his trachea swallowing a toothpick and then fell into the pool. Number four.

4) 2 weeks ago, Billy ate shit on a dare. Only it wasn’t a dare. He just ate the shit. It’s true! We had it on the show that night. Good guest. Number three.

3) His love for climbing in bat caves looking for treasure. Even though he is allergic to bats, and caves…and treasure. Number two.

2) He lost a bet for a buffalo nickel that he could successfully vomit into his own asshole.

Waxy: (Over audience laughter) A buffalo nickel? Who even uses those anymore? I’m a little drunk.

 Spearmint: And the number one reason Billy will surely die before his 13th birthday:

1)He’s nine, he’s a moron, and someone keeps letting him drive!

*Laughter/applause/musical flourish.

Spearmint: And now it’s time for our first guest tonight. Please welcome a powdered donut hole Billy swallowed at breakfast. Come on out here!

*Applause, music. PDH banters with the audience.

Spearmint: Can’t tell you how excited we are to have you on the show tonight.

PDH: It’s great to be here. How about that band!?  Bubblicious and the rubber band, you guys really know how to make a guy feel welcome!

*Applause

Spearmint: Well let’s get right into the questions, shall we? You were swallowed whole this morning. Billy in his infinite wisdom and lack of fear of choking hazards didn’t even attempt to chew you.

PDH: That is correct. He just popped me in and swallowed. I don’t think I hit a single tooth. I mean he gagged a bit, but not much.

Spearmint: Wow! So what happened there?

PDH: Well Billy’s mom was trying to get her son to eat a bowl of heart healthy oatmeal. But he threw a tantrum and kicked her in the shin while sitting at the breakfast table. She screamed in pain, relented and placed a box of me and my buddies on the table for Billy to eat. Then he selected me from the bunch. And when his mother turned her back to check the quickly forming bruise on her shin, he popped me in his mouth while at the same time punching his sister as she sat in her high chair.

Spearmint: Jeez. Well I can’t say that’s surprising. 

*Laughter

PDH: That was my first time meeting him, and I gotta say that top 11 list was spot on. He will never see 13. I mean, right after he punched his infant sister he slipped out of his chair and cracked his head on the linoleum floor. He slipped. From a seated position. At the breakfast table. Who does that?!

*Laughter

Spearmint: Well enough about putrid, putrid Billy. Do you have any plans while you’re in town? What are you doing? 

PDH: Well, I’m doing a standup show at the Colon Cabana tonight. Kind of a big deal for me.

Spearmint: That’s one hell of a venue. Lot of beautiful gut flora in that venue. I heard the management spared no expense.

PDH: Oh yeah, the venue is great but you’ll always play with the occasional parasite in the audience. But what can you do? Billy eats a lot of undercooked foods.

Spearmint: Ain’t that the truth!

*Laughter

Spearmint: That kid once ate a Salisbury steak he found behind the dumpster at school, or as he calls it his “stronghold.” And boy were the results bad. We called It Apocalypse Cow Reflux! Yikes!

*Laughter

PDH: (Gets sad) It sucks. I was next in line for an order going out to a “Law and Order” shoot. I could be sitting in lovely lovely Mariska Hargetay’s small intestine by now. I hear it’s pristine. And smells of lilacs. Instead…I’m here. You know? Life throws curveballs at you sometimes (Starts crying) oh fuck.

*Audience gasps

PDH: Why didn’t I listen to my donut parents? I could’ve been something tastier like a croissant. I could’ve been a whole donut! 

Spearmint: Well thanks for coming by, PDH. This “time to meet the donut” has been well spent!

PDH: Well thank you, Spearmint. This has been a…a real honor.

*Applause, brief exit music.

Spearmint: Well that’s almost all the time we have. This kid’s metabolism can be unpredictable for those of us that are in fact, you know digestible. But first, to play us out, please welcome our musical guest: here to play the title song of their new album, “Sonidos Hacemos Billy Hace” which translates to “Sounds We Make Billy Make.”

Please welcome Latin rock sensation, “Frijoles Negros!”

*Applause. The band begins. It’s just fart noises.

V.O: This has been “Late Night In Billy’s Stomach. Property of the Digestive Broadcasting System, produced by DBS Productions, a subsidiary of Gutcom. See you tomorrow, folks. And remember: if you gotta change, don’t do it chemically.

—

“Ted and Michael Holidays”

MPS: Hi Everyone. As we all know, this last year was such a weird time in pretty much every conceivable way. One of them was we didn’t get to participate in the usual holiday traditions because of the pandemic. For me and Gillian that meant most of our time was spent together because we didn’t want to get family sick. We tried to keep our bubble real small.

Ted: Same for me and Hallie. We didn’t get to see anyone in person for any of the major dates. It was a weird year. Video chats helped but, it’s definitely not the same.

MPS: Gillian and I actually had time to think about our favorite holiday traditions and how we can’t wait to get back to them. So Ted, I know I’m kinda springing this on you, and I know this isn’t something we normally do, but I thought let’s just get sentimental for a little bit and share holiday memories or stories with our listeners. Maybe help people get back into the spirit of celebrating together. Doesn’t that sound good? Doesn’t that sound like we’re doing a little bit of good? Putting a little bit of good out into the world for once?

Ted: Sounds great, man. Sounds great.

MPS: Cool. I’ll start. And you know what, maybe New Years is the best place to start and we can go though the whole year. New Years Eve is a chance to welcome a new calendar of opportunities. A chance to let go of past mistakes, and to look back on the previous year’s accomplishments. And for my money there is no better way to ring in the New Year than by kissing your soulmate at midnight, and that happens to be in my case, my beautiful bride, Gillian. I can’t help it. I’m a mush! Some things are cliche for a reason, you know? Ted how about you? Any New Years-specific memories or traditions?

Ted: That’s beautiful man. Really sweet. Yeah, I suppose my family had some things they did each year. My parents had an annual tradition they celebrated on New Year’s Eve. I’m sure a lot of you had similar things to this: I loved the annual celebration of “Skip the First.”

MPS: I’m sorry, “Skip the first?” What is that?

Ted: I’m sure you guys know this one. That’s when before your parents go out to ring in the new year with their friends your mom gives you a bunch of jelly beans that make you sleepy. Then you sleep right through New Years Day. I admit I lied one year when mom asked how much I weighed. I wanted her to think I was bigger and stronger than I was. What a dope! I ended up sleeping all the way through the 3rd because she thought I needed more delicious, sleepy jelly beans. I woke up in what’s called an “I.C.U.!” I thought it was a game, like “I spy.” No. Even the police came to say hello! Happy Skip the First!

MPS: Ooooooh sweet Jesus. Ted I’m not sure that’s the happy memory you seem to think it is. 

Ted: You say tomato I say tomato!

MPS: You just said it the same. You said tomato twice. I can’t. Ok. Let’s just move on. Groundhog Day falls on Feb. 2nd. Not a major holiday, but I happen to like it. And on every Groundhog Day Gillian and I watch, you guessed it, Groundhog Day. The Bill Murray classic is a yearly requirement on Feb 2nd in our home. Ted, I shudder to ask; do you have a tradition for Groundhog day in your family?

Ted: Not so much Groundhog Day per se, but my parents did celebrate a holiday every year in early February.

MPS: Well if it’s weird, just skip it…

Ted: It’s “Outside Pajama Night!” The night where your mom and dad tell you to go outside and find the prettiest stick in the yard. Then they lock you out and you make yourself a bed of leaves in the snow! What’s this holiday always missing? Shoes! You’re the winner if you can get your parents to let you back in the house by the next day’s lunch, after they are done with their adult tomato juices and sparkling O.J.! Tisk tisk! Did you just ask for pancakes? Back outside with you!

MPS: I feel like I’m going to cry. Not because of what happened to you. But because of how stupid you still are to describe that with a smile on your face. Listeners, I wish you could see Ted. It’s fascinating. This guy is grinning ear to ear talking about being left outside by his…so very sad… Let’s move right along. For obvious reasons we’ll be skipping St. Patrick’s day.

Ted: But–

MPS: Right past St. Patricks Day we go! You know what, we’re going through March, April, and May as well. And June! Lets just talk about the 4th of July. How ‘bout that? A time for pool parties, hotdogs, and fireworks. A chance to celebrate some Americana.

Ted: 4th of July! Or as dad calls it: “Clinton Never Served in Uniform Day.”  Dad’ll say, “He was too busy getting laid at Oxford on a Rhode’s Scholarship.”  Better refill dad’s glass with another 3 fingers of amber happiness, things could turn south any minute. This game is fun! And all the while Mom is upstairs with the air conditioning repair man. When did the air conditioning break? Beats me! What a fun holiday!

MPS: Christ. How about Halloween? Is there anything remotely pleasant about Halloween from your clogged toilet of a childhood? Maybe a costume you remember? A favorite candy? You know, something that won’t make people sad?

Ted: Not Halloween, but the day after was always memorable. November first! “Hairspray Eyes Day!” Your mom and dad are still sleeping in their costumes from the Halloween party they attended the night before. You try to wake up your mom with a request for oatmeal. In response she sits straight up in bed, screams in your face and shoots your eyes full of hairspray from an aerosol can. Oooops! Double whammy on this one. Sure your eyes sting. But, good luck prying them open in front of the mirror with all that sticky hairspray gluing them shut. And here’s a pro tip-don’t try and heat them open with a match! Ouch! We’ve all learned that the hard way. 

Mike: Great. Just wonderful. That’s fantastic. Thank you. Thanksgiving was actually always truly my favorite holiday growing up. I loved all the food, but there was just something really special about having the family all together. Ted please ruin Thanksgiving for everyone keeping score at home.

Ted: My favorite Thanksgiving tradition started when I was old enough to sit at the table for all the middle children in the family. Since I’m the only middle kid it was just me there at that little card table in the basement. But I wasn’t alone. I had sawdust to keep me company. When dinner came I got to lick the bag the turkey organs came in. And for dessert I got a whole salted lemon all to myself! Yum yum in my tum tum! 

MPS: I shit you not he’s still smiling. Its fucking astounding. Gillian, how would you describe that smile? It’s frozen onto him! 

GPS: That’s the smile of a crazy person. That’s the smile that every actor who ever played The Joker tried in the mirror and then looked at himself and said, “Wow dial it back. It’s just The Joker.”

MPS: Yes indeed! Ted, you look utterly insane, old pal. Why don’t we take this full circle and favor us with some batshit crazy Christmas memory. What was the tradition? Did your mother shoot you in the back with marble from a slingshot? Maybe your parents made you eat rocks for dinner? What was it Ted? Cause now I’m making up scenarios in my mind that are worse than… Please tell us…

Ted: Oh, Mike! Christmas Eve will always be special because that’s the night my dad would hand me a saw and say, “All right kiddo, get out there and don’t come home until you’ve taken down at least 8 stop signs!” And he really liked it if I removed them from a four way intersection. He just loved car crashes. Loved it more when they happened on Christmas Eve. I miss that guy. 

Mike: Well, luckily your folks live close. Why don’t you go out for a visit?

Ted: My dad said next time he and I are in the same room one of us is leaving in a pine box. I guess that’s a new holiday tradition. You know, because of pine. And winter stuff. 

MPS and GPS: Fuuuuuuuck. 

MPS: This is why he is the way he is! I’ve told you. 

GPS: What is happening? This explains so much.

—

“Sag Bag”

V.O. Hey there! You look a little uncomfortable. Constantly adjusting your pants to keep that hot, sticky ball bag from touching your thigh. And who can blame you? It’s awful to have those ever-simmering testes clinging to your unoffending leg. Introducing the Sag Bag from Tyburn Industries. The Sag Bag wicks away moisture while raising the profile of your scrotum to provide a more youthful testicular portrait. The Sag Bag is effectively the first brassiere for the most intimate of areas. Just listen to these testimonials. 

Guy 1: I had a fuckn’ Elmers glue level of stickage going on with my marble sack. Then I found out about the Sag Bag. Couldn’t be happier. These clackers are snug and secure inside a velveteen pouch that feels like an angel’s kiss. 

Guy 2: My pebbles were really roasting in my skinny jeans. But with Sag Bag I’m feeling comfortable and my under-luggage has never looked sharper! 

Woman: My boyfriend has so much more confidence since he started wearing the Sag Bag. His overall demeanor has changed so much. I mean his dick still doesn’t work, but his balls are like a ten!

Guy 4: For years I fiddled with my own design for a testicular pouch. I tried everything; hand towels, socks, bandanas, twinkie wrappers, a section of tarp, gaffers tape, packing tape, chopsticks, a ladle, a single serve muffin tin, a remote control for my Samsung, the box my wife’s ring came in, a soda bottle cut in half, an old loafer, sandwich bags, sandwiches… Nothing quite worked. But now, with Sag Bag, I feel like I’m walking around with the balls of a 20 year old. Look at that profile. If my balls could talk they’d be singing Lionel Richie’s “Hello.” 

Guy 3: Sag bag is great. But Jerry hasn’t come back home yet. Wait what is this for? 

V.O. It’s Tyburn Industries’ new sag bag. Keep that diddle satchel off your thigh and have the ball profile you’ve always wanted! Your nugget purse will thank you and your significant other will comment favorably on your newly hoisted plums. 

(Legal) Sag Bag is a proud sponsor of the Screen Actors Guild! Sag Bag or it’s subsidiaries are not responsible for any groin injuries endured due to curious onlookers tugging at your sag bag. We recommend that you keep your sag bag tucked inside your pants at all times. Please consult your physician if your testicles begin to sag down the leg of your shorts to the point others can see them. Use Sag Bag only as directed. 

—

“Werner’s Fever Dreams”

MPS: Ted.

Ted: Mike.

MPS: So where did we leave off with the now years-long saga of Werner Herzog and his increasingly unhealthy obsession with Steve Zahn?

Ted: I believe Werner was arrested and Steve was rescued, right?

MPS: Yeah, well remembered. But then he broke out.

Ted: Like Arkham Asylum, right.

MPS: Yeah, and he called Steve from a van.

Ted: (Interrupting) With his burner, cellphone. That checks. And he kidnapped the wrong family.

MPS: Kidnapped a perfectly innocent family, thinking it was Steve Zahn’s. Not that the Zahns aren’t perfectly innocent, they just…

Ted: I’m sure they’re as lovely as Steve himself. But the people he kidnapped were not the intended targets, you’re saying.

MPS: Exactly. And Steve calls Werner and tells him he kidnapped the wrong family, and urges him to turn himself in to the police.

Ted: And more importantly, Tom Hanks.

MPS: Exactly. Which…does he? I don’t know! But that’s all you need to know at this point. Listen to this.

*Jeopardy music

Werner: Welcome to the popular, long-running American game show Jeopardy. I am of course your host-Werner Herzog. Today once more, we have a veritable clash of the sorcerers, as we have 3 champions returning. Each having earned centillion dollars even. The contestants are—”That Thing You Do” Steve Zahn.

Zahn: Hi I’m Lenny and I’m from Erie PA.

Werner: “Rescue Dawn” Zahn.

Zahn: The name’s Duane. We’re gonna get out of this. Just stay fuckin’ calm! 

Werner: And “Stuart Little 2” Zahn.

Zahn: Yeah, hey. 

Werner: You’re all tied for first place in this game, and in my heart. So please choose the first category.

All Zahns: We’ll take, “Zahn-coms” for 500, Werner. 

Werner: Answer. He played Tucker opposite a for-once good-looking Matthew McConaghey in “Dallas Buyers Club.” And I must say he was the most captivating Tucker who’s ever Tucking Tucked. No pun intended, but it must have Tuckered him out to have McConaghey win an Oscar by standing on the shoulders of his performance. Matthew, I will meet you in Valhalla and I will right this wrong.

*Buzzer sound

Werner: “That Thing You Do Zahn”

Zahn: Who is…Steve Zahn. 

Werner: That is correct.

Zahn: Zahn-coms for 400, Werner.

*Werner wakes up in prison.

Werner: ANSWER! It seems I drifted off just after lockdown. The Friday night instant noodles course always plays havoc with my tummy. I’m sure “Stuart Little 2” Steve would have broken the tie, as he often does. Oh well. Perhaps we should see what’s available on the tiny transistor TV I was gifted by Charles Sheen, son of Martin.

Werner: Zahn passes to Zahn. Zahn in control of the ball, two defenders on him, he moves the ball, the genius of world soccer drives right, and he gets past the third defender, he could pass the ball but of course the world would ask why would Zahn give up control of the ball? … Genius… genius… genius! Goaaalll! Goaaal! I want to cry! Good God, long live soccer! Oh, what a goal! Steve! Zaaaaahhhhaaaaan! I can’t help but crying, forgive me. Steve Zahn in a memorable drive, in the greatest play of all time… an intergalactic lightning bolt. What planet did you come from, to leave so many Englishmen in the dust? To make the whole country into one great, clenched fist, shaking, shouting for Zahn? Zahn 1, England nil. The goal by Zahn was almost as brilliant as when Steve played the role of Marvin in the Eddie Murphy classic “Daddy Day Care.” The movie—a timeless masterpiece. The role—a revelation. The only thing daddy Werner CARES more about…is your comfort and safety. Steve someday soon when I tuck you in after your bedtime story, I will part your untidy hair, after all you’ve been playing on the swingset all day, and I will kiss you goodnight on your forehead. I will turn out the light and sit awake in the rocking chair on the other side of the room and wait for you to wake. But that is for another time. Back to the game. Where the score is Zahn 1, and England Nil.

*Werner wakes up

Werner: GOAL!

NN:  Werner, Werner… Hey Werner.

Werner: Wait where…where am I?

NN: It’s ok. You’re still in prison with me. You were talking in your sleep again. You screamed “goal” and started crying. Man, you’re really burning up. Let me get you another cold rag.

Werner: Thank you Nazi Ned. You’re truly a one of a kind cellmate. When I manage to escape again I will send you a nail file baked into a cake. Like in a cartoon Nazi Ned, like in a cartoon.

NN: Sure you will, buddy. Now hush and try and get some rest. Think of happy things. And when you’re feeling better again we can go over my number for the prison pageant. My girl is coming to see me and I want her to be proud.

Werner: Nazi Ned, you’re ready. The steps to Folsom Follies don’t live in your head… they live in your heart. Your performance will be almost Zahn like…(Drifts off to sleep)

NN: Thanks, man.

Werner (Already sleeping): Prisonering is a…complicated…profession.

NN: What a fucking weird dude.

—

MPS: I’d like to dedicate this episode to chair fart sounds: embarrassingly accurate, impossible to replicate. Few things demand as urgent an explanation. 

Ted: They’re ruining someone’s first date right now.

MPS: Oh yeah.

—

“Outtakes”

MPS: Ted and I have been working together since we were seventeen, and we used to go to the 24 hour diner and sit there and drink raspberry iced tea and talk about all the different ways that our fledgeling improv/sketch group could do shows and it was so exciting to be there at the beginning of something, and to just like be there with all the possibilities and to just like be creative and from the heart. And I’m just, I’m feelin’ that right now. And I just, I’ve been looking forward to today, and I’m just really really happy so thank you all in advance. There you go.

Ted: Footnote-I’ve never had a sip of raspberry iced tea in my life.

—

Ted: You guys all have much better lighting than I do. 

—

“Ted and Michael Holidays”

Ted:  I guess that’s a new holiday tradition. You know, because of pine. And winter stuff. 

MPS: Fuuuuuuck.

Ted: Mike, can you give that a little bit more body, like “FUUUUUUCK.” Not quite that low, but you know what I’m…somewhere in the middle.

MPS: Fuuuuuuck.

—

MPS: Fuuuuuuck.

Ted: That’s the one.

—

GP: And then how was your (laughs) how was your “Fuck” Mike, so that I’m not…mimicking you.

MPS: Just really…really long and drawn out. Just choose a note. That’s what I did.

GP: Got it.

MPS: Do “Hamilton”!

GP: I know. That’s in my head.

MPS: Oh.

GP: Fuuuuuuuck.

—

GP: Fuuuuuuuck.

—

MPS: Fuuuuuuck.

Ted: Can you go a little longer on that, Mike?

MPS: Mmmhmm.

Ted: Uncomfortably long, maybe? And then dial it back from there?

MPS: Fuuuuuuck.

—

MPS: For me and Gillian that meant most of our time was spent together because we didn’t want to get family sick. I’m gonna take that whole thing again…Hi everyone!

—

Ted: Happy Skip the First!

MPS: My ring light just fell. Which I’m not even using. There we go. Just laid it down gently.

—

“Sag Bag”

JMI: If my balls could talk they’d be singing Lionel Richie’s “Hello. Is it me you’re looking for? You can see it in my balls. You can see it in my smile.” 

—

JMI: Not “proud sponsor of the Screen Actors Guild” (Laughs)! I didn’t read that last part! That is so good! THAT’S…now that’s comedy.

—

“Werner’s Fever Dreams”

Ted: …Win an Oscar by standing on the shoulders of his performance. I just did “western New York Werner.” I did “western New York Werner” like a piece ‘a shit.

—

Ted: I can’t help but crying, forgive me. Steve Zahn is a memorable…(coughs)…fuck me.

—

MPS: If I had an index card, I’d throw it.

—

“Late Night In Billy’s Stomach”

*April cries grotesquely

MPS: That’s how a powdered donut hole cries.

—

“Credits”

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!