Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Lifelong friends Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith read their comedy sketches into microphones. Oh...and that's where their talented friends come in.

Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 3, Episode 7 Transcript

February 22, 2022

MPS: Hello listeners, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.


Ted: I. Am Ted O’Gorman. Mike, were you on the third season of “Succession”?


MPS: Aww, jeeze. No. No. It must’ve been someone that looks like me. Couldn’t have been me. Sounds like a cool guy, though. Thanks for asking.


Ted: Yeah, I figured. I mean, that show is GREAT. Not really…up your alley. Someone mentioned it to me that they might have seen you on it. But I knew it was bullshit.


MPS: Who mentioned it?


Ted: Just Diane Macafee from High School.


MPS: Diane?! THE Diane Macafee!?


Ted: Yeah. I guess she felt too shy to ask you directly. I’ll tell her it was just a rumor.


MPS: But the thing is…it’s not a rumor. I was on it.


Ted: Nice try, Mikey. Don’t worry. Your time will come. Don’t take credit for someone 

else’s work though. Ok? That’s not cool, bud.


MPS: I’m not! I was just being fake humble a minute ago. I thought that was obvious!


Ted: Sure, Mike. Whatever you say. Let’s just roll the first sketch.

MPS: Season 3, Episode 3! I had a scene with Kendall! I was even on several “Next time on” promos! Diane! DIANE! Is it too late for me to be friends with one of the cool kids!? COME ON!!! IMDB IT!!!



—Australian Bad News: 1—


V.O: And now we present Australians delivering bad news.


Australian guy: G’day Gwennie, haven’t seen you in a while. Hope all is well. Just calling to let you know that I was recently diagnosed with chlamydia so you may want to have your doc pop the hood and have a look around. Alright, cheers. Hope your day is tops! Hope to see you at the pub real soon.


Australian gal: I was hunting in the bush and mistook my cousin for a hog deer! He’s dead and I’m under inquIry for murder!


Australian guy: Hey guys uh, not sure I can make it to the Men at Work Concert. I slipped on some poo and my shinbone is poking out of my leg. Isn’t that topsy turvy?! My inside parts are on the outside. Go figure! Does them good to get a bit of fresh air!


Australian gal: Well the results of your bowel biopsy came back. High five, mate, we’ve never seen cancer this aggressive. Beauty!


Australian Guy: Fran! Are you there? I pulled my back out doing a tim tam slam. I don’t know how I did it. Are you there? Fran? Fran, if you’re there, please pick up. Fran? Why don’t you have a mobile? This is…inefficient.


V.O: This has been Australians delivering bad news.



—Inner City—


MPS: Ted, did you re-write your bio for the website?


Ted: Yeah, I put something together. You know I hate these things, though.


MPS: Yeah, me too. I kept mine nice and short. But you know Gillian…she’s been on us about it.


Ted: Ok. Me too. I kept mine pretty tight. You wanna hear it?


MPS: Please. G, Ted finally wrote his new bio. You wanna hear it?


G: Sure.


Ted: Ok. Ted O’Gorman is a writer, actor, producer. He loves music, but hates singing in public. He lives in Queens with his wife Hallie and enjoys a good Scotch almost as much as he enjoys writing with his main man Michael Paul Smith. Ted’s best kept secret is that he cried watching every single Bridget Jones movie. Every. Single. One. She’s just looking for love…


MPS: I like it. You worked in a little tongue-in-cheek lightness to it. I hope.


G: Very nice. That’s all we need. Maybe ditch that last part…?


Ted: If you insist.


MPS: Cool. Can we add that to the site this week, G?


G: Yup. I’ll get it up there. 


Ted: Sounds good.


MPS: So what do you wanna work on first? I got a few ideas.


Ted: Oh, tututututut. I don’t get to hear yours?


MPS: Oh! I didn’t realize you wanted to. Mine’s like really straightforward.


Ted: I’d like to, yeah. We’re doing this now. Gillian, have you heard Mike’s?


G: No. But we’re here. Might as well.


MPS: Hey, you got it. Ask and ye shall. (Reads) Michael Paul Smith is an actor, writer, producer based in New York. He lives and works in the inner city with his wife, Gillian, and is the proud co-host of the popular comedy podcast “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones.” Most of the writing for the podcast takes place in Michael and his wife Gillian Pensavalle’s inner city apartment.


G: Wait.


MPS: He also…oh. I wasn’t done.


G: I know. Why do you keep referring to our neighborhood as the “inner city”?


MPS: What’s wrong with that?


Ted: I think technically to be in the “outer city” you have to have a view of one of the rivers. So by that logic you’d be considered inner city. Mike does that sound right? Am I missing something here?


MPS: No. That’s exactly right. We’re inside the city. Inner city. May I go on?


GPS: Uh-huh.


MPS: Most of the recording for the podcast also takes place in Michael and his wife Gillian Pensavalle’s apartment, located in the inner city…


GPS: It just really doesn’t sit right with me.


MPS: Well let’s go over it shall we?


Ted: I love it when you guys fight and I’m not the cause.


MPS: Shhh.


GPS: Ted, this would be a good time to stop talking.


Ted: Right oh.


MPS: Alright, I changed the wording.


GPS: Thank you.


MPS: How does this sound? (Reads) Most of the recording for the podcast also takes place in the slum in which Michael and his wife Gillian Pensavalle reside. The sketches are largely slum-conceived, slum-written, and slum-recorded.


GPS: Why? No! It’s not a slum, either. There’s a Whole Foods like two blocks away!


MPS: The floors are slanted, there’s garbage piled up on the street…


GPS: It’s on the curb, cause it gets picked up today.


MPS: One time we had ants…


GPS: Everyone has bugs in their apartment once in a while. It just happens. It’s New York!


MPS: It happens in slums…


GPS: (Sighs) Continue.


MPS: I’m just saying. This place is also tiny. We have one closet.


GPS: It’s…yeah, the closet thing is an issue. And yes, the floors are slanted. But you have to be careful how you say things.


MPS: Sorry, G. I’m sure you’re right. It seems life in the inner city has turned me into a bit of a ruffian.


GPS: STOP IT. Just stop it, please.


Ted: Yeah Mike. No need to go off. You used to be much more refined.


MPS: You think so?


Ted: Delicate, even. Until you were swallowed whole by the inner city… in this terrible slum.


MPS: Thank you.




MPS: I will NOT!


GPS: YOU NEED TO RE-WRITE THIS ENTIRE THING! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but BE MORE LIKE TED!!!


*G exits and door slams


MPS: He also appears on “The Hamilcast”, and records all his self-tape auditions in the inner-city slum in which he and Gillian reside! Proud spouses, showrunners, and slum-livers both. You can find Michael on Twitter and Instagram @mpsmithnyc! 


Ted: I like it, man. But don’t tell her I said that.


GPS:  I’m still here!!!


Ted: Oh. I thought you were far enough away that you couldn’t…


MPS: (Interrupting) Exactly my point! Slum.





—Bedtime Corsages—


Man: Hey babe…(no answer) babe…hey babe.


Woman: Shhh. Please. I’m sleeping.


Man: Come on, baby. Don’t go to bed angry.


Woman: It seems like that’s all I ever do these days, thanks to you.


Man: But I just wanted to…nevermind.


Woman: Just shut up and go to bed.


Man: Jeeze.


V.O: Hey bro’s, are you tired of your potential newest sidechick turning out to be a mere one night stand? Are you sick of your devoted girlfriends and “baby mommas” insisting that you man-up and propose? Nah. Well Tyburn Industries just may have a solution for them all. Bro. Class up your evenings with Tyburn Industries’ new Bedtime Corsages. Impress your one night stands with a lovely post coital token and convince them you’re relationship material. Placate your girlfriend with a non-engagement ring gesture of romance, for just a fraction of the price.


Man: Hey babe…babe…hey babe.


Woman: Shhh. Please. I’m sleeping.


Man: Just a sec. I just need a second.


*Light turns on


Woman: Come on! Please! Turn it off!


Man: But I just wanted to give you…this.


Woman: Oh my God. 


Man: Hang on…


Woman: Oh my GOD!


Man: Allow me.


Woman: Of course.


Man: It looks like…exactly what you deserve.


Woman: Awww! I knew all my friends and family were wrong about you.


Man: Goddamn right, they were.


*They start making out.


V.O: It’s the fuckin’ bedtime corsage: Cause all of this shit is like high school anyway. By Tyburn Industries. Your express train to placation station. And coming soon: Just for fun Bedtime tophats, monocles, and pocketwatches! Tyburn Industries-helpful products for horrible people. Wait, who’s the horrible…hey, what the fuck??



—Celeb Smash Bros. 7—


V.O: And now we present, Ted and Michael unlocking more hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.


*Game V.O: Challengers approach!


Dora: Hola! Soy Dora!


MPS: Oh, wow!


Ted: I love Dora!


MPS: You know, I’ve been working on my Spanish.


Ted: Me too!


Dora: Vamos, hombre. Put ‘em up!


Ted: Isn’t she adorable?


MPS: Totally. You can see why she’s so popular! 


Dora: I’ll have your huevos in a sling!


MPS: What did she say?


Dora: This is my friend, backpack!


Ted: Fuuuuck! That just took half my life.


MPS: That thing was like a boomerang!


Ted: This Dora is not. Fucking. Around. Good thing neither am I.


Dora: I’m losing! Soy nervioso!


MPS: (Repeating) Soy nervioso.


Dora: Oh! No bueno!


MPS: (Repeating) No bueno.


Dora: No me diga!


MPS: (Repeating) No me diga.


Ted: Stop doing that.


MPS: Ok, sorry. Just thought I’d get a couple reps in.


Dora: Socorro! We did it!


Ted: She keeps stomping on my tail!


MPS: I saw that. It’s so fast.


Dora: Boots, we’re losing! Come mierda!


MPS: Oh. She’s pissed. She’s cursing.


Ted: Whoa. I’ve never seen her angry before. Her whole face changes, man. That is like a different person.


MPS: She’s like a, like a Chucky doll, like in the movie, when the mom…


Ted: Ahh! Shit! She’s biting me! She’s biting me!


MPS: It’s cause she’s almost done! It’s gotta be.


*Game V.O: Game!


Ted and MPS: Yes! That was close! Etc.


Dora: We lost! Hijo e puto!


Ted: She was one of the toughest opponents we’ve had here.

MPS: That was the closest we’ve come…

Ted: Who’d have thought that a two foot child was gonna be so vicious.

MPS: Yeah. Two hits with the boomerang backpack, and you could’ve been out of it.

Ted: Man.


Dora: Felicidades! You’ve unlocked Dora the Explorer! Come on, stay with us!


MPS: No-can-do, Dora. Cause we’ve got ourselves a date with…


*Game V.O: Challengers approach!


Ewan: Ha! It’s me! Ewan McGregor!


MPS: Holy shit.


Ted: Yeah. I feel…starstruck. I love this guy.


Ewan: Be careful. You’re about to get a Moulin bruise.


*Ted and MPS laugh for a while.


Ted: Moulin bruise. That’s good. I like that.


MPS: That was clever.


Ewan: Come on. Stop being a wanker. I can’t believe I’m losing. I’m Obi Wan-fucking Kenobi!


MPS: Don’t let him run up that hill.


Ted: I’m trying! I’m trying, I’m looking at it. I’m watching.


MPS: You gotta cut him off.


Ewan: Ha! I have the higher ground! Haha! I’m Ewan McGregor, and I just put you to Dr. Sleep.


*Ted mashes the buttons


Ted: Wake up, Yoshi. Wake up!


Ewan: Argh! Wanker! Well the joke’s on you. Cause I’ve brought backup.


Carlyle: You’ve unlocked Scotland’s own Robert Carlyle. Oh, the wee player got blasted! No player leaves here ‘til we found out what player did it!


Ted: Oh shit, you know Begbee’s a brawler.


MPS: He gives so few fucks that he just came out and broke the fourth wall. What’s in that crate?


Ted: Oh, good. It’s Guinness. That’ll keep him busy.


MPS: Dodged a…headbutt on that one.


Ted: Who knows for how long, though.


Ewan: You’re winning. Well there are last hits, and then there are last hits. What sort is this to be?


MPS: I say go for broke, man. Hit him with the super dragon!


*Game V.O: Game!


Ted: It worked!


MPS: I cannot believe how good my advice is!


Ewan: Ah. You’ve beaten me, What a shyte state of affairs.


Ewan: Congratulations. You’ve unlocked Scotland’s favorite son-Ewan McGregor.


Ted: Alright, let’s head to the store. I need some uh…some Mountain Dew.


V.O: This has been Ted and Michael unlocking more hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.



—Casper Mirage—


CM: Citizens of the world, it’s time for another edition of “Listening to Magic” with your host Casper Mirage. I’m Casper Mirage. And I am renowned for being the world’s number one radio magician. Today I’m with the cast and crew of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones. Shall we start with a card trick?


Ted, MPS, and GPS: Yeah/sounds good/great, etc.


CM: Gillian please pick a card.


GPS: Ok.


CM: And please put the card back in the deck. Thank you. Gillian, do you love your husband?


GPS: Yes of course!


CM: Please kiss your husband Michael.


MPS: Gimmie the good stuff babe!


GPS: Ok… 


*They kiss 


MPS: What the fuck! There’s a playing card in my goddamn mouth!


CM: And what is the card, Michael?


MPS: It’s covered in phlegm. So fucking gross. This thing was really deep in the…ugh. This is not sanitary.


CM: Michael. What is the card?


MPS: It’s a 7 of clubs.


CM: Gillian, what card did you select?


GPS: A 7 of clubs… Mike, your mouth is full of paper cuts. How long was that in there?


MPS: I’ve got no earthly idea. How would I know? I think we’re good, Casper. This is a bit much…


Ted: Mike, that was a really cool trick. That must have been in there for like days or something. Or maybe even a week. So neat!


CM: Yes, Ted. It was neat. What an amazingly expressive vocabulary you have, Ted.


Ted: Thanks!


MPS: I’m kinda pissed, man. I think it’s really time for you to leave.


CM: Well, Mike, it’s quite obvious you’re pissed. In fact you’re covered in it!


MPS: Ahhh! What the fuck! I’m covered in piss. How did you get me to piss my pants!


Ted: Amazing! He made Mike pee his pants!


GPS: Oh no, Mike’s finally become incontinent. I thought we had more time.


CM: Worry not Gillian, this was simply magic! 


MPS: This must be water. This is like, still kinda clever, but… (Sniffs) Nope that is genuine human urine. Disgusting. What the…?


CM: What you’re listening to, folks, is genuine magic on display. 


MPS: You’ve got some nerve there, pal. First you cut the shit out of my mouth with a playing card and then you cover my pants with piss.


CM: Oh piss posh, Michael. I’m so sorry. Allow me to help with your mouth. When was the last time you saw a dentist?


MPS: About a month ago.


CM: And did you get a clean bill of health?


MPS: She said my teeth were in great shape. Why? What’s the deal?


CM: I assume she didn’t tell you that your molars needed to be removed?


MPS: What? Ahhhhhhhhhhh!


Ted: Wowy!


GPS: Hey Mike, your mouth is bleeding!


MPS: He just ripped out my molars with magic!


GPS: Mike that’s insane, that’s not possible.


CM: Well if it wasn’t magic, what’s this in my palm? 


Ted: He’s got a palm full of teeth! 


MPS: It hurts so much. But that is pretty fuckin’ amazing. Why couldn’t you give me some magic anesthesia?


CM: Michael, I’m a magician. Not a board-certified anesthesiologist. 


MPS: Did I, like do something to you, man? What is this?


GPS: Ted, put the teeth in a plastic baggie and help me get Mike to the hospital. Casper no more magic! Please and thank you. That was amazing.


Ted: You got it Gillian! Nice job Casper! Really cool to meet you. Let’s hang soon.


MPS: I would like very much to never see you again. I’m going to have to explain to an oral surgeon why I’m covered in urine! So thank you very much for the show!


Ted: Mike, just tell him you pissed yourself when your teeth were forcibly torn from your jaw. He’ll buy that. Bye Casper.


MPS: Thank you, Ted. Everyone’s got great advice for me!


CM: Michael, don’t go punching yourself in the testicles.


*MPS does exactly that.


MPS: Fuck you, man!


CM: And with that I leave. Good day!


*A small explosion is heard


GPS: Did he just disappear in a cloud of smoke?


Ted: Damn right, he did. Class act. What a pro. Alright Mikey, let’s get you to a doctor. Did he seem taller than me? I think he was taller than me.


MPS: Shut up! No more talking!


GPS: Ok Mike, we’re gonna get you right to the hospital. I hope you enjoyed your birthday.



—Australian Bad News: 2—


V.O: We now return to Australians delivering bad news.


Australian guy: There, there little one. You were right. Your Granny was still in the house when it caught fire. Sorry we didn’t listen to ya. Crikey, we adults should trust kids more! That’s what I…will say from now on.


Australian gal: Wacky thing, just found a piece of a kid in ya fender. Guess you should have ubered home last night after the fourth round of King of the Pack Footy!


Australian Guy: Snugglepot! I’m home! I’ve just come from the doctor. He says my wiggly-dinga is like Nicole Kidman in the Baz Luhrmann film “Australia.” It still looks good, but it promises never again to put on such a stiff performance! By the way, what is that enticing smell? Is that Coqueau Vin? It smells like Coqueau Vin. Lemme take my shoes off and I’ll be right in to give you a “Hin” with the Coqueau Vin. Alright. Be right in.


Australian gal: Sheila was true blue. You could tell by the way she would drink a stubby. So appropriate she died lighting fireworks on Australia day. The only way she would have wanted to go.


V.O: This has been Australians delivering bad news.



MPS: This episode goes out to the mafia. Congrats on your nationwide post-9/11 resurgence! When the feds have other priorities, whadda you do? You pick yourselves up, dust yourselves off, and re-group. La Cosa Nostra, you’re an inspiration to us all. And thanks for keeping all the cigar lounges open, and the Sinatra impersonators in well-paying gigs.


Ted: Ottimo lavoro ragazzi.





“Casper Mirage”


MPS: First you cut the shit out of my mouth with a playing card and then you cover my piss with pants. Then you cover my pants with piss, I mean.


Ted: Oh piss posh, Michael.


Ted: I’ll be on my way, Michael. But don’t go…punching yourself in the testicles.

MPS: Why would I…OH!

Ted: Magic!

MPS: Oh, you fuck! You fucker!


Ted: And with that, I leave you. Ta.


MPS: It’s like instant herpes. It’s like insta-herp.



MPS: THAT WAS NOT NECESSARY AT ALL! YOU FUCKER!!! OH YOU FUCKER!!! FUCK YOU, MAN! (Breaks character) That was a little “40 Year Old Virgin.” The waxing scene.



“Celeb Smash Bros. 7”

Aneesa: We lost! Carrajo!



Aneesa: We lost! Ay conio!


“Bedtime Corsages”

Ted: Yeah would you mind doing one where just to kinda accent it a little bit more, just kinda talk like outta the side of your mouth…

Jelly: Aww, yeah.

Ted: Like this side’s too cool to make sounds, so you just fuckin’ talk right over here.


Jelly: Yeah, the ladies wouldn’t be able to…

Ted: And like really get slow with it at certain points. You know what i’m sayin’? These are bedtime corsages.


Jelly: Shit. Yeah they are. They’re more like over here. Yeah.



MPS: I think “I Hope You Dance” was our prom song. Don’t ask me why I remember that.

Ted: Wow.



Jelly: Tyburn Industries-helpful products for horrible people. Hey I’m not horrible…ah, yeah. Fuck.



“Australian Bad News”

Jelly:  I was recently diagnosed with chlamydia. Itchy! So you may want to have your doc pop the hood and have a look around a little bit. Sniff around that piece. Alright, cheers. Hope your day is top as a wombat.


Ted: “Sniff around that piece.”

Jelly: That’s…really disturbing. That came out.


Ted: But it was delivered with great positivity.



Jelly: Oh, and he’s kinda yelling, and she doesn’t have a mobile. So is this, is this like a tape answering machine, or is he like yelling out the window?


MPS: I pictured it as an old school tape answering machine.


Jelly: That’s what I figured.

MPS: But now I have to hear it as you yelling out the window like Ralph Kramden at least once. “Norton!”


Jelly: Exactly.



Jelly:  It still looks good, but it promises never again to put on such a stiff performance! My dick’s broken! Me woggly dongo’s broken! Doesn’t matter how much you blow on this didgeridoo, ain’t workin’ anymore. No more tunes for tooney.

MPS: I love it. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I don’t think you were fully clear on “wiggly dinga.” 


Jelly: Yup. Yup. I think you’re right.

MPS: So…let’s just enunciate that as best we can.


Jelly: Yeah. Wiggly dinga!


Ted: This is so stupid!

MPS: I can’t believe that that’s my note. I love it.


Jelly: Yeah. I love it.


Jelly: He says my wiggly-dinga is like Nicole Kidman in the Baz Luhrmann film “Australia.” It still looks good, but it promises never again to put on such a stiff performance! It’s as if a dingo ate my boner. It’s as if a wallaby hopped off with my tasmanian devil. It’s like a kangaroo pounced on my joey. I’m running out of animals that are specifically located in Australia.



Ted: You’re right. It’s “coqueau van.” It has to be. It has to be “van.” 


MPS: That’s a shout out to Geeps, and anyone that loves Mad Men. Cause whenever Don comes home, it’s all Meghan’s ever cooking.

GP: It’s the only thing she can make when she wants to be…”I’m gonna stuff you with coqueau vin” when she wants to like, attract him. 



“Celebrity Smash Bros. 7”


Ted: That was maybe the best advice you’ve ever given. 


MPS: Thanks.


Ted: Wow.


MPS: I also told you to propose to Hallie, but…ok. I guess this is up there. In the ranks.


Ted: I mean I was probably gonna do the proposal anyway, but this one I wouldn’t have known.


MPS: That’s true. 


Ted: This is higher up.


MPS: Yeah. In terms of…


Ted: This was more…but you are not to tell Hallie I said that.


MPS: No problem.


Ted: Alright, let’s go to the store. I need some Mountain Dew.

MPS: You’re out already? I bought you like twelve of them.


Ted: Yeah. Yeah now they’re filled with pee in the corner over there. Cause I drank them all and then peed into the bottles so I wouldn’t have to run to the restroom.

MPS: You peed into cans?! Do you know how dangerous that is!?


Ted: Yeah, yup. You can just slice the tip very easily.

MPS: Ugh.

Ted: Yup. But that’s what Krazy Glue is for.


Ted: Alright, let’s go to the store. And this time we’re getting bottles, because I’ve done a number on myself. 


MPS: Jesus.



Ted: Hey Mike, on this one can you, um…teach me how to act? That would be helpful.

MPS: You’re doin’ great, pally.

Ted: Yeah. Sure.



“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!

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