Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Lifelong friends Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith read their comedy sketches into microphones. Oh...and that's where their talented friends come in.

Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 3, Episode 8 Transcript

March 1, 2022

MPS: Hello everyone, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.


Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman. Mike, did you ever wonder what it would be like if we were doing this comedy show in 1950? You know, it’s just after the second world war. The Korean conflict was right around the corner. America is feeling great. Every room is a smoke filled room and every dame has bourbon on her lips…


MPS: You’ve been thinking about this for a long time, haven’t you?


Ted: My friend, it’s all I can think about. Listeners, we present Ted and Michael as they would have been enjoyed in the year of our lord nineteen hundred and fifty!



—Martin and Lewis 1—


V.O: (Echoey) It’s the O’Gorman and Smith comedy hour, sponsored by Westerfield unfiltered cigarettes. For a smooth, rebellious flavor, look to the Wild Wild Westerfield. And now here they are, your hosts, the Maris and Mantle of sketch comedy, Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith! 


*Mike instantly falls over. 


MPS: Oh boy! Somebody tied my shoelaces together. Ted, did you do this? 


Ted: Kid, I was too busy sparking this Westerfield to bother with your laces. Now that is a smooth and mellow smoke. Exactly what my doctor said I needed. Thanks, doc. And thank you Westerfield for a great American tobacco product that would make Uncle Sam grin. Gee, if I’d had smokes like this during the war we could have beat back those Germans in half the time! 


MPS: Oyyyyy! Gillian? Did you tie my laces together?


*Audience applauds as Gillian enters


GPS: Oh Mike, the only shoes I know about have high heels. And the only thing I’m interested in tying is the knot… preferably with a rich, handsome doctor. After all, I’m just a secretary! 

Ted: Come on Mikey, get yourself together.


MPS: Aright. Hey Ted. I’m hungry. What are you having for dinner tonight? 


Ted: Well Mikey, I’m glad you asked. 


*Ted goes into a sponsored song.


Meatloaf and potatoes

meatloaf and potatoes

When my lady’s feeling lazy

And things are getting crazy

It’s meatloaf and potatoes

On my plate!


And when I think meatloaf, I think Harson’s. If my Mrs. doesn’t buy Harson’s frozen foods she’ll be going back to her maiden name faster than you can crash a car into a communist. Mikey boy, pour me half a tumbler of the amber solution and keep the ice light. 


MPS: Right away, Ted! 


*Mike breaks a bottle in his haste to pour the drink quickly. Ice clanks around in a glass.


MPS: I’m all thumbs as usual! Hahahaha. Thank you, thank you. Gillian, hey you want a drink? Ted’s having his 3 o’clock eye opener! 


GPS: Well I’d hate to force a gent to drink alone. I’ll take a gibson. And like Ted says to every woman walking past him, don’t forget to shake it! 


MPS: You got it Miss Gillian! One gibson coming up. 


Ted: So, Gillian, what’s the good word these days? Any prospects going? What are the fellas doing to put a rock on that finger? 


*Ted’s second song is an Italian-style ballad.


A woman needs a man

A good hard working man

Who comes home when he pleases

Who’s pain she eazes

He’s in charge

Don’t ask him where he’s been


Gillian: Oh, you know boys will be boys. They’re only interested in one thing. 


Ted: Really, what’s that? 


MPS: How would she know she’s just a secretary! Here’s your gibson, Gillian. I hope you like extra Jelly Beans. Or should I call them, Jilly Beans! 


GPS: Mike, you’re incorrigible. Say Ted, I don’t suppose you could spare a Westerfield for a dame in need of a little relaxation. 


Ted: If relaxing is the goal then Westerfield’s the way to go. Help yourself. I’ve got cartons of Westerfield’s on hand at all times. Smoking a Westerfield is like driving the coast road with the top down. Pure heaven in your lungs. 


GPS: You said it. 


MPS: Heeeeey Gillian, you want I should get you a fruit rollup? Some folks like a fruit rollup with their cigarette! 


GPS: No Mike. I don’t want a fruit rollup with my cigarette. But I do think I need to powder my nose. 


*Gillian excuses herself.


MPS: Oh my oh my! Ted, I’m head over heels for that girl! She’s the most beautiful dame I ever seen. I need your advice. You get girls all the time. How can I get her to go steady with me? 


Ted: Pump the breaks there, pally. You’re speeding along like Patton to Berlin. A woman like Gillian needs to be wined and dined. Take your time. 


MPS: Ok Ted. But you’ve got to help me out. You always say you’ve had more humps than a herd of camels. I need you to teach me the ways of… of… the woman. I mean, I’m dyin’ here! She’s the star in my sky. Can you help me, Ted? Women are like puddy in your hands, and me…I’m all thumbs as usual! 


Ted: You’re a good guy, Mike. But a woman like Gillian is a Cadillac and I think you’re still riding a Schwinn. Maybe sit a couple plays out. 


MPS: No! It’s gotta be her. It’s just gotta be! Don’t you guys watching at home think that Gillian and I would be great together? I’d really treat her like a prized filly! 


Ted: Alright Mike. Let me see if I can help you out. Let me call a favor in. 


*Rotary phone dials 


Ted: (Cont.) Leonardo, how the hell are you? Oh, I’m fine. Yes, yes. Say fella, I’d like a table tonight for my friend Mike. The one by the large fig tree. Well I don’t care where you need to move Ronnie Reagan. He’s a two bit hack of an actor and I once shit on his lawn. Good. That will be fine. And I’d like champagne on the table when Mike and his date arrive. Alright, then. Thanks Leonardo. 


*Hangs up phone 


Ted (Cont.) Ok, Mikey, the eyetalians will do their part, and this one will help you seal the deal. 


MPS: But what if she says no? 


Ted: That’s easy. Just tell her her job depends on it! She is just a secretary after all. Here’s how it’ll work. I’ll hide behind the fig tree near the table. Then when you arrive, just say what I say. You’ll be in like Flynn for the win! 


*Transition music  


Ted: We better take a break, here. Time to pay some bills, folks.



—Zac Efron—


MPS: And we got two new Twitter followers this week, so…that’s it for old business. I guess we can move on to new business. Ted you had spoken last week about a sketch you wanted to do. I believe the title was “Queen Elizabeth II can’t stop farting.” I don’t have anything else here in my notes for that particular sketch. Can you give us the broad strokes? 


Ted: Ummmmm It’s pretty much just as it sounds. It’s the queen of England…


MPS: Yes. I got that part.


Ted: And she can’t stop farting.


MPS: Ahhhh, I see, right. So the joke here is that a woman of her national importance and regal demeanor has flatulence. Unstoppable flatulence.


Ted: That’s pretty much it. Ummmmm, can we talk about the giant poster of a shirtless Zac Efron you’ve hung in your apartment? I feel it’s weird that we haven’t mentioned that. It seems like something that requires a little bit of an explanation.


MPS: Yes of course. Ted, meet my new lifesize poster of world treasure and matinee idol, Zac Efron. I thought it’s mere presence would be self-explanatory. But apparently not. Having that in the apartment just frankly forces me to up my game. Look at how the sweat on his pecs glisten in the sunlight. You can’t photoshop that. That photographer really knew what he was doing. Mmmmmmm.


Ted: How exactly does a…


MPS: Mmmmm.


Ted: Sorry.

Ted: How does a giant poster of Zac Efron do that? Make you up your game? 


MPS: Well, when I wake up in the morning and pour myself a cup of coffee I stand directly in front of that beautiful body. A physical form so perfect it’s as if he was sculpted from Gibraltar itself. And as I think of what my day might bring, I ask myself, W.W.Z.E.D. What would Zac Efron do? And do you know what the answer to that question invariably is, Ted? Think really hard. What would Zac Efron do? Do you know?


Ted: I honestly don’t.


MPS: He’d sparkle, Ted. The man sparkles. He’s the human equivalent of a disco ball.

So I challenge myself everyday to be more like Zac Efron. I want to light the world with my smile. I want my hips to power a high school musical. Three of them, in fact! I need to climb the Everest that is Zachary David Alexander Efron. If I can achieve even a fraction of that man’s natural charisma I will conquer the world. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted. So when it comes to the Zac man, you can either Efron…
or Eff-the-fuck-off. What will you choose to do, you silly little ginger gum drop? 


Ted: I don’t know. In fact I didn’t know you were this into Zac Efron. 


MPS: I’m not into Zac Efron, Ted. Zac Efron is within us. You just need to let him shine. Let your inner Zac Efron out. Be the man you see in that poster.


GPS: (From another room) Hey Mike?


MPS: Yes darling? 


GPS: Remember when we had that little talk about how creepy it is when you talk about Zac Efron and wanting to harness his sparkle?


MPS: Vaguely. 


GPS: It’s still super creepy. You need to not do that so much, ok? I let you put the poster up. That was supposed to be the compromise, remember? Compromise? Remember how you cried? First, tears of desperation, and then they were happy tears? Remember? 


MPS: She doesn’t quite get it. But she will. Oh yes she will. 


Ted: I’m going to leave now.


MPS: You know if you squint just right, it’s like he’s licking his lips.


Ted: Ok. I’ll see you next week. Don’t call me before then, ok? Thanks bud!


MPS: Even his portrayal of Ted Bundy was infectiously disarming. If that was really Ted Bundy, and I was on that jury, he’d be free as a bird!


*Door closes. MPS moans softly to himself. 


Gillian: Ted! Can I go with you? 


*Door closes again.


MPS: What’s that Zac? You’re right. I guess there’s no reason why we can’t both be shirtless. 



—Martin and Lewis 2—


V.O: Today’s Westerfeld Comedy Hour isn’t just a slippery situation for Ted and Michael. Because today’s episode is also sponsored by Hermolev: soap for women. If used regularly, it virtually guarantees you won’t find yourself the only twenty five year old in your town without a husband and several children. Wash that old maid right off of your face to reveal the healthy, fertile woman you are, with Hermolev soap. 


Woman: I thought my adult years were destined for the conventional workplace. Thanks to Hermolev, I found Harold. And we’re already looking for a house in the country!


V.O: Hermolev: Soap for women who at least want to make an effort. 


Leonardo: Here is your-a table a Mistera Smith. Just as-a Signore O’Gorman requested. And the champagne is a-compliments of a-the house. Enjoy. 


MPS: Thanks Leonardo. I can see why Ted likes this joint. You guys are real classy! Oh, let me get your chair Gillian. 


GPS: A bottle of bubbly wine. What’s the occasion Mike? 


MPS: Well you’ve been working so hard at the office I thought you deserved a nice meal. 


GPS: Well, I’ll be darned Mike. Who knew you two rascals paid attention to your secretary? 


Ted: Pssst. Tell her she looks lovely. 


MPS: Ahh! Who’s there?! 


Ted: It’s me, pal. Just keep your eyes front. 


MPS: Oh! It’s you! I get it now! 


Gillian: Everything alright? What do you mean, “it’s me.” 


MPS: I mean…I mean…uhhhhh. Oh boy… 


Ted: You mean it’s her that should get all the credit for the success of our show. 


MPS: I mean it’s her that should get all the credit for the success of our show. 


Gillian: Her who? 


MPS and Ted: YOU! 


MPS: You, uh…just you. 


Gillian: Well thanks. That’s awful nice of ya. 


Ted: Gee Gillian you sure do look lovely tonight. 


MPS: Gee Gillian you sure do look lovely tonight. 


GPS: Thanks Mike, you’re a sweet kid. I only wish Ted noticed me. 


MPS: You mean, you…you like Ted like that? 


GPS: Sure. Who wouldn’t? What a dreamboat! 


MPS: Oh, I see. 


*Audience: “Awwwww”


Ted: Well Ted’s a terrific guy! 


MPS: Well Ted notices lots of women. Sometimes two at a time. 


Ted: Well, Ted’s a terrific guy! Say it! 


MPS: There was one time I walked into the office and this woman had him bent over the desk and she had something stuck all the way in his you know where. 


Ted: She was a nurse! It was a thermometer. I thought I had malaria. Different topic! Different topic! 


Gillian: Really? You don’t say. What in the world…? 


MPS: Ummmm, anyway he’s real smooth with the ladies. 


GPS: I’ll say. It’s a lucky girl that gets to hand him his slippers at the end of the day.


MPS: Wow, I didn’t know you felt so much for him. But I guess it makes sense, lots of women like Ted. There was one time I came into the office and Ted was dressed in a diaper and this woman was smacking his bottom…


Ted: That’s not true! What are you telling her?! You better watch what you say if you know what’s good for you, pally. 


MPS: Ooooh…um…so what looks good? 


GPS: I think I’ll start with a glass of this champagne. 


MPS: Please allow me! (*Champagne sprays Gillian) Oh no! I’m all thumbs, as usual! 


GPS: It’s fine Mike. I’ll just take a quick trip to the little girls room to dry off. If the waiter comes by, start me with a caesar salad. 


*GPS exits


Ted: Are you trying to blow this thing? Just say what I tell you to say. And stop talking about times you walked in on me when I was entertaining women. Just keep it smooth. 


MPS: Ted, I’m so nervous! I’ve got butterflies in my belly. My palms are sweaty. You wanna feel? Feel ‘em! I don’t know what to do. She’s the prettiest gal I’ve ever laid eyes on. 


Ted: I’ll walk you through this. I know how to talk to the dames. Look sharp. She’s coming back! 


MPS: My throat is so dry!


Ted: We’ll be back after these words. Don’t go anywhere.



—33 + Me—


Woman: I always wondered what makes me who I am. Is it nature? Is it nurture? Maybe it’s a combination of both. I never thought I’d find out all the answers. But then I heard about 33 & Me; a unique service that decoded my ancestry and conclusively answered the most important question of all: am I related to Larry Bird?


LB: Hi, I’m NBA Hall of Famer Larry Bird. 33 & Me is a groundbreaking genealogical test that allows you to know if you share any DNA with me, number thirty-three, Larry Bird. Get the answers to questions you’ve always asked yourself: am I related to the only forward in NBA history to win three MVPs in consecutive years? Do I have a Dream Teamer in my family tree? Did my relative’s rivalry with Magic Johnson reignite fan interest in basketball in the 1980s and bring television viewership of the game to new heights? Questions like these and so many more can only be answered by 33 & Me.


Guy: I swabbed my cheek, sent in my sample and waited 2 weeks to find out if I’m related to Larry Legend. The results couldn’t come soon enough.


Woman: I’m a long time Larry Bird fan and the thought of having him among my relatives was too good to pass up. I’d finally have something on my neighbor, Barbara. Her cousin once slept with one of The Beastie Boys and she never shuts up about it.


Icelandic guy: When I arrived in Boston someone told me about 33 & Me. They say, “Magnus you’re tall and blonde. You should take 33 & Me.” I didn’t understand what the test was at the time. When they started mocking me for being an Icelandic immigrant, I give in and took the test. I don’t have many friends here.


LB: With 33 & Me you’ll find out if your fiery competitive streak is a family trait you share with me, the Hick from French Lick. Maybe you’ve excelled at sports your entire life or couldn’t understand why your jump shot came so naturally. Or maybe you just have a creepy little blonde mustache. Whatever the reason, 33 & Me compares your DNA with mine and then scientists… do some science stuff and tell you if we’re related. If we are, tell your friends you’ve got a 3 time NBA champ in the family. Trust me, they’ll be impressed.


Guy: I found out that I have quote, “almost no DNA shared with 12 time NBA All Star Larry Bird.” Unquote. “Almost none.” I see what you did there, 33 & Me. Larry, I guess I’ll see you at the next family reunion. My kids are going to be so psyched when I tell them on their next supervised visit. I’d say 33 & Me is a real swish!


Woman: It turns out I don’t have any shared DNA with Larry Bird. But Chris Mullen is maybe a cousin or something. I don’t know. I threw out the paper as soon as I saw Chris Mullen’s name. Ugh… I feel like I need a shower. Chris fucking Mullen…seriously?


Icelandic Guy: As I suspected I don’t share any DNA with Larry Bird. To be honest I didn’t know when I submitted my application what was a Larry Bird. I’m not a basketball fan. Also, I know for a fact I’m 100% Icelandic. So this was a waste of $800. Welcome to America, Magnus. Olafur told you this would happen.


LB: Send for your testing kit today and get the answers you’ve been searching for. And for a limited time, each package of results will come with an autographed picture of me that I printed at home on my Epson Stylus, and stamped with my signature. I’m number 33, Larry Bird. Welcome to the family… maybe.



—Martin and Lewis 3—


Ted: Now here she comes. Remember, just repeat what I say to Gillian, and you’ll be tops! 


MPS: Right, boy-o. I’ll do my level best. 


GPS: This woman in the bathroom looked just like Audrey Meadows! I couldn’t believe it wasn’t her. I made her show me identification, or it was “TO THE MOON!” She didn’t appreciate the threat. Her name turned out to be Lois. Say, mind if I have a Westerfield? 


MPS: By all means. 


Ted: You know Ted isn’t seeing anyone at the moment. 


MPS: You know Ted isn’t seeing anyone at the moment. 


GPS: Is that a fact, cracker jack? 


Ted: He’s a really great guy and very sensual. 


MPS: He’s a really great guy and very sensual. What!? Why would I say that? 


GPS: You ok there, Mike? 


Ted: Oh, Ted’s a swell guy! 


MPS: Oh, Ted’s a swell guy! 


Ted: You should go out with him tomorrow. 


MPS: You should…hey wait a minute. 


*Stomping sound




Gillian: What? What?


MPS: I mean…oh! You should…go out with him tomorrow? 


Gillian: You really think he’d ask me? 


Ted: Oh, I guarantee it. 


MPS: Oh, I guarantee it. 


Ted: What time are you gonna be home? 


MPS: What time are you gonna be home? 


Gillian: What kind of question is that?  


MPS: I…(turns around) yeah, what kind of question IS that? 


Ted: Turn around. 


MPS: What? I can’t here ya! 




MPS: But what’s the big idea? I thought you were supposed to be helping me! 


Ted: Just turn around and repeat what I say. 


MPS: Hey, that’s it bub! Even I have my limits! 


*They struggle. The table flips, 


Leonardo: My table!


Ted: I oughta bust you right in the nose. 


MPS: You can’t hit me, when you’re always looking at three of me, you boozer! 


*They struggle more, the tree falls, 


Leonardo: My fig tree! 


MPS: I got spaghetti on my head! 


Leonardo: I made it out of Italy with that tree under my arm while the a-fascists were right up a-my asshole! 


Gillian: Ted? 


MPS: We’re awful sorry, Mr. Nostra. It’s just that Ted was supposed to help me talk to this pretty girl, here, ya see? Instead, he drove me right over a cliff. 


Leonardo: Signore Ted is a good and handsome man. He come into a-my place every week, he spend a lot of a-money, and he never a-complain. He always should getta the girl, and you gotta shit for brains! This is what a-happens! 


*He pours champagne on MPS


MPS: Gee, I never had champagne poured on me, before. I feel like the ‘55 Dodgers after they won the series! 


Gillian: Ted, did you really hear all that? I’m so embarrassed. 


Ted: Why don’t be, Gillian. Sorry for the cloak and dagger. Hey Leonardo, is it too late to have you fire up a steak pizzaiola for two? Mike here was just leaving. 


MPS: You were supposed to be my friend! And now Gillian will never date me! She must think I’m a buffoon! Gillian, I’m sorry. I wanted tonight to be special. But I ruined it. 


Ted: Go easy on yourself there, kid. 


GPS: Yeah, Mikey it’s going to be ok. Truth be told I thought you were a buffoon before tonight. And there’s just no way I’d date you. You’ve got that annoying high pitched voice. And look at Ted, he looks like he just stepped out of a brill cream ad. 


MPS: Oh man… just my luck. 


GPS: Nonsense Mike. I’ve got just the girl for you. My friend Beth is perfect for you. She has psoriasis and her scalp peels constantly. How about I hire her as your personal secretary!? Then, you can use your position as her male superior to make her fall in love with you! 


MPS: That sounds like a romance for the ages! 


Ted: What say we have a Westerfield to celebrate Mike’s good fortune! 


MPS/GPS: Yeah! 


Ted: Boy that tobacco sure is smooth. Just like a Wisconsin sunrise. 


Gillian: Like James Dean with the ladies. 


MPS: Like Frankenstein’s monster with the townspeople. 


Ted and Gillian: Huh? 


MPS: Sorry. I’m all thumbs as usual! 


*Audience erupts


Gillian: Ted, after steak pizzaiola, would you accompany me home? I think you might be…running a temperature.


Ted: Why yes of course. Better safe than sorry! 


Ted: (Singing) Somewhere there’s a someone for everyone,

Somewhere there’s a someone for me

MPS: And so I’ll search my whole life through, until I find somebody like dis… oops! I’m all thumbs!

Ted and Gillian: For I know some-a-where a-there’s a-someone…

ALL: For me


V.O: This has been the Westerfeld Comedy Hour starring Ted O’Gorman, Michael Paul Smith, and featuring Gillian Pensavalle, and Giuseppe Manicotti as Leonardo. Special thanks to Hermolev soap for making this episode possible. And next week, Michael inherits a house…in Transylvania.     


MPS: Ted, I’m scared! I think that caretaker that showed us in is still here! 


Ted: Don’t be silly, pally. We saw him drive away. 


MPS: But something flew in that window! 


Ted: Here, have a swig from my hip flask. You’re just a little ornery. 


Vampire: Did someone say “eerie”? 




Vampire: And if you offered me a Westerfeld, I wouldn’t…bat an eye! 


V.O: That’s next week, on the Westerfeld Comedy Hour with Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith.



Ted: This episode goes out to women everywhere. Thanks for almost never being the serial killers, rapists, dictators, drug kingpins, or generally horrible people that have screwed up the world for generations. Mike and I fully support you leading the way from here on out, because women are great. They’re better than men. They just are.


Gillian: MOST women. 


Ted: What’s that, Geeps?


Gillian: Oh, I’m just refining your very kind words to “MOST” women, as some women are terrible. I’ve met some of them. Just…trust me. Some of them are just… they’re real bad. 


MPS: Wow.


Ted: Yeah, you heard it here. Our female representative has scaled back our feminist dedication.


Gillian: Hey, what is it that we do here? We keep it real, that’s what. Boom. 


MPS: Seems like you’re getting bro-ier by the second.


Gillian: Hey hug it out, bitch. Let’s watch Spike TV. Does that still exist?


MPS: Huh.




“Zac Efrom”

Ted: Are you making yummy sounds?

MPS: Mmmmmm…Pretty much. That’s “moans softly to himself.” How did you imagine it?

Ted: I don’t know. But I love it.

Ted: That Vanessa Hudgens is full of some shit.


MPS: That Vanessa Hudgens is full of some shit. (Laughs) It’s full of SOME shit, I love.



MPS: I look at you, Zac. And I know exactly what you’re telling me. You’re sayin’ “You got this, MPS. Bet on it.” You’re sayin’ “You gotta get your head in the game.” And I’m saying “I am and it is. Zac”


Ted: Mike, this might be my favorite thing you’ve ever done.



MPS: Keep calm and Ef-ron.



MPS: When it comes to Efrons. There’s Zac and only Zac. There is no Nora.


Ted: Mike that’s…that’s your Hamlet.



“Martin and Lewis”

MPS: I’m just gonna punch this line up a little bit. “If my misses doesn’t buy Harson’s frozen dinners, she’ll be going by her maiden name…before you can say…” Before you can say…get back to the supermarket. How’s that sound?

Ted: How ‘bout “Before you can crash a car into a communist”? Before you can crash a car into a communist!

MPS: Yup. That’ll work. I’m glad we stopped.


Ted: You’re nailin’ it.

MPS: Oh thanks, pal. I’m annoyed at myself.

Ted: That’s how you know you’re doing Jerry Lewis right.

MPS: Yeah I find myself…I’ve never found myself more annoying.


MPS: Ted I’m so noyvis! I got butterflies in my belly! My palms are sweaty! My knees are weak! My arms are heavy! There’s vomit on my sweater already! Oh, it’s mom’s spaghetti. That’s not Leonardo’s. I’m noyvis but on the surface I look calm and ready to drop bombs! But I keep on forgetting these words that I wrote down. They grow so loud. When I practice I open my mouth but the words won’t come out. I’m chokin’ now everybody’s…everybody’s laughin’. Time’s up! Over! Blow! Sorry. Snap back to reality. Oops, there goes gravity. Ah! I’m all thumbs as usual!


MPS: Fascists right on my asshole!

Ted: Fascists right on my asshole! That’s the line of the night. “Fascists right on a-my ass-a-hole!” Line of the fuckin’ night. Fascists right on my asshole.


Jelly: Rolls off the tongue.



“33 & Me”


Ted: I’ve yet to write a single sketch where I go, “You know what? That’s smart.”



MPS: And when you say Chris Mullen, think Woody Allen.


GP: Oh, gross. Is that-is he on par?

MPS: No but…


Ted: Not at all.


GP: Oh. 


Ted: He’s actually by all rights, a very lovely guy.


GP: He’s a lovely guy, right! Sure sure sure sure sure. But to me, he’s Woody Allen. Got it. Understood.


MPS: Yes.



“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!

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