Lifelong friends Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith read their comedy sketches into microphones. Oh...and that's where their talented friends come in.
Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones
March 22, 2022
MPS: Hey listeners. Welcome to Episode 11 of Season 3 of Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. Ted…do you wanna start us off by telling the listeners something about yourself that they don’t already know?
Ted: Well, normally the answer to that would be no, on the grounds that I don’t want to. But this time, the answer is no on the grounds that I have much more disturbing news on my mind.
MPS: Yeah, I was…I was trying to stall and possibly distract myself from that news.
Ted: Just get into it, Mikey.
MPS: Fair enough. Ok, so…some personal news, as they say…Ted and I have found ourselves in a bit of a pickle. We always thought we’d maybe get some flak on social media for something we’ve done, but this is not anything we could’ve possibly anticipated.
Ted: Yeah. Internet comments you expect, but this is, uh…this is not looking good for us.
Ted: We may have crossed a line.
MPS: It was made abundantly clear that we’ve offended someone so much that he thinks we deserve to be punished. See folks, apparently, I’m just gonna say it, method actor Christopher Walken did not like the couple of sketches we had featuring him all the way back in season one. So I guess it just took a while to find his ears. And he left us this voicemail to explain, you know, how he plans to exact revenge for the perceived slight. And of course Ted and I would like to play the message for you. So get ready. And in case anything happens to us please make the authorities aware of this recording.
Voicemail: You have one old message. Thursday, 2:09pm.
Walken: Hello, this is method actor Christopher Walken. Hopefully I’ve reached the right voicemail for Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones, if not please disregard this message. Ted, Michael, I’m coming for you. You boys really stepped in it this time. Old Chrissy boy isn’t the teddy bear he plays on screen. I’m fueled by a boundless fury to avenge wrongs done against me. You think I make a funny Santa Claus? You bastards are dead. Simple as that. Chris Walken doesn’t like being made a fool of. I’m going to kill you both. And I’m going to take my time. I want you to feel the pain that I experienced listening to that ham fisted impression of me in your so-called sketch.
MPS: Let’s pause here just for a moment to say, this is where things get weird. They were actually normal up to this point, comparatively.
Ted: Yeah, you know I thought getting a voicemail from Christopher Walken would be the weirdest part of our day. In fact, it’s the strangely specific manner of how he wants to kill us, that is the weirdest part. This guy took a few minutes out of his day to really plan this out.
MPS: Yeah just by his confidence you sense that he has the means and the ability to pull it off.
Ted: Oh I don’t think it’s the first time he’s danced this particular tango.
MPS: Ok, back to Chris’ message.
Walken: Boys, I have plans for you both. You know those people whose corpses are discovered because their neighbors can’t stand the smell? That’s about to be you. Ted, I’m going to smash your skull in with a Buddha statue that was gifted to me by Marty Sheen. Then I’m going to dress you in the clothes of anime character Sailor Moon. Your suicide note will detail how the cancellation of “Fuller House” on Netflix left you with no choice but to bludgeon yourself to death. Mike, don’t worry sweet boy, I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m going to fill your ass to the brim with kitchen twine and hang you from the ceiling by said twine. Your suicide note will say this was your attempt at re-creating an action sequence from “The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” with your main man: Ted. You’re going to die hanging there, from your ass, with plenty of time to contemplate the life-saving importance of CGI in the production of Hollywood blockbusters. At your side will be a manifesto you wrote about your distaste for women in the workplace. You’ll be remembered as an autoerotic arachnid who was also…a chauvinist. You fellas messed with the wrong hombre. And it doesn’t end there. Ted, after you’re dead I’m going to date your mom. And do you know what happens when Chris Walken gets to date number three? If the Chardonnay is crisp enough, and my main man Sergio over at Cafe Roma impresses her with his tableside branzino preparation…Oh yeah, she’s gonna get Walkened! Let that image keep you warm at night. Ok boys, I’ll sign off now. Sleep tight with the promise of me, Chris Walken, in your nightmares. Oh, and if you guys see Gillian please tell her I’m a big fan of the Hamilcast. Never missed an episode, real quality stuff! Ok, Walken out.
MPS: So…yeah. That’s where we’re at. Christopher Walken is going to kill us.
Ted: I can’t believe he’s going to bed my mom. That just seems so… uncalled for…
MPS: Sorry buddy. I hope your dad’ll be ok with it.
Ted: He’ll be fine. Alright, you wanna go get a taco?
MPS: Oooh, yeah.
—Fraud Kits: Volunteer—
MPS: Hey there white, cis-het, straight, single guy! Are you sick of people treating you like you’re an average person, but not as amazing as you’re sure you are? Would you just love to take full credit for doing important volunteer work in your community, without spending all that time that you don’t have…or that you have, but don’t wanna spend working for free? Introducing the new Tyburn Industries “Volunteerism” Fraud Kit. It will provide you with all the materials you need to make it look like you’re the most selfless do-gooder there is, and your full-blown narcissism can remain your little secret. For just six easy payments of $19.99, we’ll send you a carefully designed package with everything you’ll need to win that dream girl, get those awards, and present to a sentencing judge when you’re pleading for leniency for any crime you can imagine. Your kit will include: -A dirty smock with “Charitable of America” on it, and a dirty bushel of kale in the front pouch that you…
Ted: …forgot to put in the crate when I was unloading donated produce to the food bank…
Ted: I’m sick about it because this bushel of kale could have provided a bushel of hope to a family in need. Great, now I’m tearing up over it.
Gillian: That is so…sweet.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah it is.
MPS: Your kit will also include a stack of pamphlets to place in a slightly messy pile in your home because …
Ted: I’ve been passing them out all weekend. If we want to eradicate childhood deafness we need to encourage small donations. Even a waterfall starts with a trickle, you know?
MPS: And an official certificate of appreciation from your local police precinct in recognition of your outstanding citizenship, complete with a picture of you with the police commissioner himself! – A dozen thank you notes written in crayon, with backwards “R’s” for maximum cuteness, all written by hand in our Tyburn Industries factory, by our staff that’s certified and trained in child handwriting.
MPS: But that’s not all. Keep digging. Your kit will include a new street in lower Manhattan named after you. Yes you! Complete with full press coverage! -And a small but tasteful pin for you to wear on dates and humbly downplay when your dates ask you what it signifies. All you have to say is:
Ted: Oh, that? It’s funny, I…didn’t even know that was on there. It’s just a little charity that I do some work for sometimes.
Gillian: Wow, really
Ted: No, not really. I just started it, and run it. And saved thousands of kangaroos from being used as drug mules. Those pouches are for baby kangaroos, not low grade Australian methamphetamine. I just feel like…gah, it’s just never enough.
Gillian: So…you wanna get outta here?
MPS: And as a final added bonus, you’ll be inundated with tons of junk mail from real charities, because they all share your information and they love spending their limited budgets on things nobody will ever read. Fraud kits. Buy before you lie.
MPS: Well that was disturbing. And now on to something disgusting. The letter of the day is “D.”
—Morning Show: Penis Inhaler—
Kip: Welcome back. Thanks again to our wonderful segment reporter Kevin Franklin for bringing us that wonderful story from Seattle, Washington. So nice to see people solving a problem that has plagued the city for years. Just a great story. Top to bottom, left to right. Start to finish. Warms the cockles, is what it does. Doesn’t it, Donna?
Donna: Indeed. So moving. Hope in humanity renewed!
Kip: And just so you know, if you’d like to help, the “Mascara the Masses” project is accepting donations at community centers around the city. You’ll see their information right there on your screen there. And they will use your unwanted or gently used makeup to beautify the area’s homeless population. So Donna, I know most of your makeup really gets a once over, so you’re just gonna have to hold onto your supply.
Donna: I’m not packin’ a box. I’m not given’ it away. I’m not givin’ it away!
Kip: Don’t give it away. Don’t do it! You need all of it.
Donna: I’m not givin’ it away!
Kip: You need every ounce of it. And what a great slogan they have by the way, Donna. Have you heard their slogan?
Donna: Is that so? What’s their slogan? What’s the slogan? What’s the slogan?
Kip: Their slogan is-“Sometimes all a vagrant needs is a strong foundation.” Really great stuff, isn’t it? Just makes you proud to be a member of the community.
Donna: And what a difference makeup had for that filthy bag lady from the segment. Harriet’s new look is turning heads and turning her squeegee business a profit.
Kip: Sure does help when there is no overhead at all. I’d invest in that! But it’s illegal. And now we move on to a more serious topic as we delve deeper into our month-long series on men’s health.
Donna: Mmmmmmmm, such a serious topic. And one you boys just don’t want to talk about.
Kip: It’s true. It’s true. Please welcome our new friend Bruce Klein. He is a leader in the field of penile and testicular health technologies. Bruce, we’re happy to have you on the show. Bruuuuuce Bruuuuuce! Welcome to Top O’ the Mornin’.
Bruce: Happy to be here.
Donna: Oooooh, I feel like I’m in the boy’s clubhouse!
Kip: Oh, stop it.
Donna: So what exactly are “penis technologies.”
Bruce: Well basically a penis technology is anything that helps the overall health and well being of the actual penis. It’s a growing field and we like to say the competition is stiff.
Kip: Oh! Yeah. I get it. I see what you did there!
Donna: What am I missing?
Kip: Haha! Nothing, Donna, it’s a guy thing.
Bruce: It certainly is. So what I’d like to show you today is over here. If you’ll follow me…I think your crew was kind enough to set up the model. This is an anatomically correct rubber cross section of an adult penis and testicles. And what we’re going to talk about is genital health. What do we do to make our bodies healthy? We exercise, we eat right, we pay attention to the scale. Now what can we do to help the health of our penis and testicles? The answers are a lot the same. We want to eat right, keep ourselves in generally good shape, right? But sometimes we get too concerned about the health of the penis, and forget about the testicles. That’s where the new Penis Inhaler comes in.
Kip: What’s that now?
Bruce: As we all know the testcles are the lungs of the penis.
Donna: I did not know that.
Bruce: And just like our real lungs our penis lungs sometimes feel sluggish and congested. Let’s say you’ve had a late night. We’ve all woken up after one too many at the club the night before. Am I right, Kip? Haha!
Kip: Yeah, sure haha. I suppose.
Bruce: And look, we don’t talk about it, but it has an effect on Mr. Downstairs. Ya know, we go to the bathroom and all that comes out is a small cough and a weeze from Mr. Penis.
Kip: Good Lord…
Bruce: This is the kind of situation where you want to reach for your Penis Inhaler. Simply insert the plastic applicator into the urinary meatus also known as the external urethral orifice, that’s the penis mouth for you and me. And you want to go in about an inch. Then depress the inhaler and take a big testicular breath. Your penis lungs will thank you. And the great thing is, this little inhaler, same size as a standard asthma inhaler, fits right in your pocket. You can use it anywhere. You. Can use the Penis Inhaler. Anywhere.
Kip: I… uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. I can’t…I gotta tell you Bruce, I don’t know who did your, your pre-interview. But I did not know that this was where this conversation was gonna go. I thought it was gonna be more about…just sort of preventative care…um…You know what? Let’s just move on…
Donna: Is that norm… Does my husband…. Do we have maybe a commercial to go to?
Kip: Thanks Bruce let’s hear a word from our sponsors.
Bruce: When we come back I’ll show you how to affix the Penis Apnea Machine for a restful genital night’s sleep!
Donna: Go to commercial, Jim! I’m upset!
Kip: Was this guy vetted at all?
Donna: And you know what Jim, the worst part is? I can’t even have a slice of cake. I’m over here havin’ a conniption fit, and because of last week’s segment, I can’t even have a slice of cake. Thanks a lot, Jim! Really knocked that one out of the park again.
Kip: Here she goes. She goes into these tirades when you have…
Donna: Oh, Kip. I don’t wanna hear it, pal. You’re right up there with him.
Kip: I’m sorry, Donna.
Donna: I got your balls in a sling with corporate. So you better kiss my patoot. Now someone get me a cup of tea!
Kip: Can someone just get her a LaBatt?
Donna: Get me a La Batt!
—Ted’s Home Alone—
Ted: Hey guys. I’m here at Mike and Gillian’s apartment. They told me they were stepping out for dinner, so I thought this would be a good time to let myself in to play a little prank on them. Mike and Gillian really love Christmas, so I’ve got a little surprise. I’ve tricked out their apartment to be like a scene from “It’s A Wonderful Life.” They’re coming up the stairs now. Let’s see how this goes!
MPS: My point, which was parenthetical at best, was Sarah can’t complain about not having a dating life when she continues to say things like, “I.D.K.,” instead of I don’t know. How much time is she saving? It’s like all her speech is a text message. It’s not cute.
GPS: No, I get it. I hate her, too. She’s one of the only people I’d really love to witness being hit by a bus. You know? What did I just step on? I felt a crunch. Turn on the light.
MPS: What the hell? Are those Christmas decorations on the floor? Thank God you didn’t take your shoes off. Those things would have sliced your foot to ribbons.
*A paint can hits MPS in the face.
MPS: JESUS CHRIST! What the fuck was that?
GPS: Oh my God Mike, are you ok?
GPS: Where did a paint can come from? You’re bleeding, let me get you a towel from the bathroom.
MPS: Hey, was our doorknob always red?
GPS: Fuck! I burned my hand! Someone heated the doorknob!
MPS: What the fuck is happening? When that thing hit me in the face I fell backwards onto all the jagged ornaments we stepped over. They’re embedded in my back. I’m just coming out of shock now. So much pain!
GPS: My goddamn hand looks like a fucking hamburger! Let’s get some more light.
GPS: What in the hell! An iron just hit me in the face! A fucking IRON! We don’t even have an iron!
MPS: Hold on, love. Don’t touch anything, I’m coming. Let me get you some ice. Let me just stand up first. I can do this. I can do this. Ok…ok I’m up.
GPS: Look out! Here comes another paint can!
*Mike is floored by another PAINT CAN TO THE FACE.
MPS: FUUUUUUUUUCK! Where do these things keep coming from?
GPS: What kind of person would do this?!
Ted: Hey guys! Surprise!
Ted: Just like your favorite movie, “It’s A Wonderful Life”, am I right? Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
MPS: You are the dumbest man I have ever fucking met. “It’s A Wonderful Life” is the one with Jimmy Stewart. What you just did was “Home Alone”. HOME ALONE! I want you to die!
GPS: I swear to God I am going to drown you and sacrifice you to The Drowned God of the Iron Islands.
Ted: Jeepers guys, I’m sorry. I thought “It’s a Wonderful Life” was the one where the kid terrorizes those burglars with improvised home defense. I put the ornaments on the floor, and I rigged the paint cans. And I heated the doorknob, and then I rigged an iron to fall on one of your faces. There’s a bag full of feathers hooked up to a box fan by the bed, but you guys didn’t trip that one up yet.
MPS: Well yeah, I think those two movies are pretty easy to confuse. They only came out…oh, I don’t know…45 FUCKING YEARS A-FUCKING-PART YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!!!
Ted: Wow, Gillian you have the imprint of the iron, right on your face like in the movie. I would have called B.S. on that but, here we are. You look like that iron really did a number on you!
MPS: If I could stand, I would strangle the breath out of you. And no jury in the world would convict me.
GPS: I’m going to smash your testicles with a tack hammer until they are mush. I hate you.
MPS: I wish you’d never been born.
Ted: Well that’s harsh, Mike. Even for you.
MPS: That was an actual reference to “It’s A Wonderful Life” you…you know what? Just get out of my house. Do it now.
Ted: Ok, I guess we’ll chalk this one up to a little oopsie on my part.
MPS: You’re still saying words.
Ted: I’ll just let myself out. Oh, And full disclosure the tarantula got away from me. So, he is here somewhere…
MPS: GET OUT!
Ted: Sorry, you guys will figure it out. Bye!
MPS: What. An amazing. Asshole.
Ted: Oh, one more thing. I forgot to do this. Merry Christmas!
MPS: Ow! He shot me with a fucking BB gun! Fuck! And I’m still on the floor.
GPS: Lock the door!
MPS: What kind of person does it take to walk up to a man laying on the floor and shoot him, point blank range, with a bb gun?
*Sound of fireworks
GPS: Fireworks in the kitchen! Of course! Oh, perfect! There’s the tarantula!
MPS: This episode goes out to the passive aggressive tactic of saying the exact same phrase in the exact same way, to the person who wasn’t listening the first time. Give it a try sometime. It’s right up there with the classic “As per my previous email…” Ted, do you have a dedication?
MPS: Ted, do you have a dedication?
Ted: Jeeze, Mike. Breathe a little. I’m sorry. I found your rubix cube.
MPS: Until next time, everybody!
MPS: Yeah let’s do a-let’s do a looser one. I was already pretty loose.
Ted: Yeah, let’s get goosey on top of our loosey on this one. I’m loosey goosey!
MPS: Just a little nasaley here.
Ted: Don’t you get Fiona sick.
MPS: No, never.
“Ted’s Home Alone”
MPS: Get out!
Ted: Sorry. You guys’ll figure it out. Bye!
MPS: How often do I get a chance to do a full Gleason? GET OUT!
MPS: Just from “You’re bleeding.” And maybe you hate blood. So it’s actually pretty gross.
Ameeta: “Fuck. You’re bleeding!”
GP: Yeah. Oh! Gross, you’re bleeding! Now I have to get you a towel from the bathroom!
MPS: You don’t have to say it like that! Just give it to me in the tone.
Ted: So much blame.
MPS: NOW I have to get you a towel from the bathroom.
Ted: You’ve inconvenienced me yet again, Mike.
GP: I took it too literally.
Ameeta: We’re gonna use that. We’re definitely gonna use that line.
MPS: I think I clicked this microphone a couple times.
Ted: Yeah, I dropped my phone at one point. It’s just a…just a cavalcade of bad things goin’ on here. We’re ruining the day.
“Morning Show: Penis Inhaler”
Eddy: But sometimes, we get too concerned about the health…of our. Oh yeah. Are/their penis? Or the…in the script…
Ted: “Our penis.” Ok.
MPS: Ok, we’ll go with “our.”
MPS: Sorry about that.
Eddy: No, it’s all good.
Ted: Or you could say just “the penis.”
Ted: This whole fuckin’ thing is an outtake.
Eddy: Literally. “The penis.” Ok.
Ted: Turning heads, and turning her squeegee business, a profit.
MPS: (Laughing) Every time! It’s the pause before “profit.” Yup. I just gotta laugh it out when I hear that.
Ted: We can edit it out later, Mike. I’m glad you like it.
MPS: Thank you.
MPS: Here she goes. She goes into these tirades when you have…
Ted: Oh, Kip. I don’t wanna hear it, pal. You’re right up there with him.
MPS: I’m sorry, Donna.
Ted: I got your balls in a sling with corporate.
MPS: With “carrpritt.” I thought you meant carpet. Like you’ve made a sling out of carpet. Out of used carpet.
Ted: Nah, that’s just how Donna says “corporate.” Especially when she’s upset, her diction really, really goes out the window.
MPS: Oh my goodness.
“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!