Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Lifelong friends Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith read their comedy sketches into microphones. Oh...and that's where their talented friends come in.

Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 3, Episode 12 Transcript

March 29, 2022

MPS: Hello listeners, welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.


Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.


MPS: You know Ted, sometimes when I ask for your help with something show-related, I look at your slack-jawed vacant expression and I just think you’re the male equivalent of a deviant’s homemade sex doll. And then you speak, and I realize you have even less to offer.


Ted: Hm?


MPS: And that is my way of saying thank you to our production team. Without you this season would not have been possible. I know we say a lot that it’s just you, me, and Gillian working on the show. But this season especially that is not the case. We have been helped every step of the way this season by our new friends Ameeta Ganatra and India Hooi from Audio Muses. So thank you so much for everything you’ve done, and please know that your contribution has stayed my hand from slitting the throat of one Ted O’Gorman, the most useless podcast host anyone could be cursed to partner with. Ted, thank them for keeping me from killing you.


Ted: Sorry, I was feeding my tomagotchi. What’s up?


MPS: Nothing, pal. Just…just unbelievable.


—Diet Ria—


DAD: Nice catch champ! Why don’t you grab us a couple of sodas?!


KID: You got it dad!

DAD: You know years ago, I used to play catch with my dad. I can still smell the fresh cut grass of the ball field, the cool breeze of a summer evening, and of course, the classic taste of Ria Cola! For years, Ria Cola was the first and only refreshing soft drink to be made with all natural ingredients like pure cane sugar and all natural flavors for a great taste that makes you feel good. Ria Cola was so natural that the good people at Ria didn’t think they could make it any healthier. Until now. Introducing new Diet Ria. Ahhhhh! That’s some great Diet Ria. But don’t take my word for it. Listen to what these people have to say about the smooth delicious taste…of Diet Ria.

GUY 1: Well, I drink Diet Ria with lunch every day. The all natural ingredients give me a much better mid-day boost than a cup of coffee!

WOMAN 1: My kids love Diet Ria, they have no idea that it’s diet. Absolutely, no idea that I’m sneaking Diet Ria into their glasses so they drink it!

JIMMY: My mom used to make me split Diet Ria with my sister, but now that I’m ten, I drink my OWN Diet Ria!

MAX: Hey Sully! You hear that? Fucklebuck here drinks his own diarrhea!

SULLY: Oh really? GET HIM!

JIMMY: No! It’s a soda! Please!

MAX: Here’s what we do to weiners that drink their own diarrhea!

JIMMY: Nooo! Nooo! Please! That’s my thumb! Nooooooo —

DAD: Yup! He can’t get enough Diet Ria. Neither can these folks.

WOMAN 2: Don’t even talk to me in the morning before I’ve had my Diet Ria.

LITTLE GIRL: I used to have to share my Diet Ria with my brother, but then when I turned–Oh my God, Jimmy! What happened to your thumb!?

CONSTRUCTION GUY 1: Having Diet Ria’s a big deal here on the construction site. And Diet Ria comes in so many flavors that sometimes we’ll share each other’s Diet Ria. I’ll have some of Wally’s Diet Ria. He’ll have a sip of Sam’s Diet Ria. Next thing you know, everybody’s drinking everybody’s Diet Ria!

CONSTRUCTION GUY 2: Hey man! Pass me some Diet Ria!

CONSTRUCTION GUY 1: One Diet Ria coming at ya!

CONSTRUCTION GUY 2: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. That’s good. That’s good, right there.

DOCTOR: Mrs. Covax?

MRS. COVAX: Yes, Doctor. How is he?

DOCTOR: Your son’s going to be fine. His thumb is broken in three places, but we’ve set it and all is well.

MRS. COVAX: Oh thank God.

DOCTOR: We’ll have him out in a moment, and then we just need you to sign a few forms. Can we get you or your daughter anything?

MRS. COVAX: No, thank you. We’ve had all the Diet Ria we can stand.

DAD: Diet Ria. The best feeling is finishing one. 

Jingle: Next time you need a pick me up, don’t reach for that coffee in your cup.
I’ll see ya…
Next time we have a Diet Ria!


—Churchill Plays Candyland—


V.O: And now we present Winston Churchhill playing a timeless children’s board game.


News lady: And now we go live on BBC radio as Prime Minister Winston Churchhill addresses the nation on our current international affairs.


Churchill: Turning once again, to the question of invasion. I would observe that there has never been a period in all these long centuries of which we boast when an absolute guarantee against invasion, could have been given to our people. There was always the chance, and it is that chance which has excited and befooled the imaginations of many continental tyrants. I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves once again able to defend our Island home, to ride out the storm of war, and to outlive the menace of tyranny, if necessary for years, if necessary alone. We shall fight in the Peppermint Forest, we will wade through the Licorice lagoon, we will stop at “Almost there”, we shall reclaim Nana’s Nut House, we will endure a winter in the Frosted Palace, and we will meet King Candy at his castle and defeat him. We shall fight to reclaim our Candy Land. Never Give up, never surrender. This shall be our icing on the cake.

V.O: This has been Winston Churchhill playing a timeless children’s board game.


—Ted and Michael See A Shrink—


Ted: Welcome back everyone.


MPS: Yes, welcome back. So it’s been a long and difficult year. Just like the year before. And Ted and I, like most people we know, had a really rough time. And like everyone, work was an issue. Money was tight. We didn’t know what the future held for us. It was a complicated sort of mess. 


Ted: And we’re not saying we had it as hard as other people. We certainly didn’t. Just hard for us, because we’re white middle class men and we’ve never really dealt with adversity before.


MPS: Yes, so true. And we tried to deal with our new obstacles in an adult way. So when Ted and I found ourselves taking out our aggression on each other, and when the shouting matches became too much to bear–


Ted: When the name calling became about real insecurities that are deeply held…


MPS: We did the only thing two men can do when it becomes time to put the machismo aside and make amends for the sake of everyone involved. 


Ted: We went to couples therapy.


MPS: Yes we did. And some might find that odd, but when you work this close as a duo, you have basically the same dynamic as a couple.


Ted: A non-romantic couple who need to bridge troubled waters to get back their spark. To light the flame of creativity and appreciation that has long since fizzled out into a depressing…kind of mush…


MPS: Ted, I think that’s enough. I told you you could say some things. I didn’t say you could just ramble.


Ted: Gotcha.


MPS: The following is an excerpt from our last therapy session. We did a lot of work to get here. And we’d like to give a heartfelt thank you to Dr. Gregory Miller. His guidance is what got us back to writing and performing sketches after a really difficult time.


Ted: Thank you Dr. Miller. We owe you one. 


*Changes to a zoom call.


  1. M: Welcome back gentlemen. Thank you for joining me.


MPS: Good to be here, doc.


Ted: Hey guys! I have more drawings to show you, doctor. 


MPS: Jesus H. Christ. Already?


  1. M: Now Michael, try and be patient with Ted. Ted, you’ll remember from last time I said we didn’t need any more drawings. 


Ted: I remember. No more drawings.


  1. M: That’s good, Ted. That means you’re listening. Now, Ted, do you remember what I did ask you to do for this week? 


Ted: Something about dreams. Have dreams? Was that it?


MPS: You see what I’m fucking dealing with, Doc? Do you hear this nonsense? I mean it’s gotta be frustrating for you, too. Because I hear your instructions just as clearly as he does. And believe me, he hears them, too. Dream journals! Journals, you fuck! He asked us to work on dream journals! It’s not that hard! There’s no wrong answer! Fuck!


  1. M: Michael, Michael, please. Michael. I thought we made some progress with your hostility. If you keep this up, the chest pains are more than likely to return.    


MPS: Sorry, he’s…he’s just so infuriating, Doc.


Dr. M: I know. I know. Let’s concentrate on our assignment. Now Ted, did you happen to write any of your dreams down?   


Ted: Oh yeah those, I have that right here.


MPS: Oh my God, then why didn’t you give them before, when he said the words dream …


Dr M: It’s alright. It’s alright. Mike. Michael…I’m going to give you a minute to calm down and we’re going to listen to Ted’s dream journal first. Ted, please begin.  


Ted: Sure. My dream was pretty weird. But here goes. I was laying in a giant clearing in the middle of a vast forest. I felt so peaceful. The sky was baby-blue and there were these little puffy clouds. I could hear the babble of a stream nearby, I could hear the wind in the trees and the soft song of the birds. I didn’t know how I got into that clearing or what I was supposed to be doing… but there was no fear.


Dr. M: That’s good, Ted. That’s very good. What else?    


Ted: And as I was laying there I heard a sound that didn’t fit the rest of the scene. It was an angry screech far off in the distance. It sounded like a scream that had escaped from hell through a crack in the Earth’s crust. A scream of a thousand sorrows and a million hates. A bloodlust scream that had an unquenchable thirst for vengeance. I stood up and searched for the source of the sound. And then I found it. I saw the winged beast responsible for that terrible noise far off in the distant sky. I could hear the flap of the creature’s wings as it flew closer. It had the body of a man and the wings and talons of a giant pterodactyl. The sky darkened and I started to run. I thought if I could make it to the treeline, I could escape that terrible flying thing. 


Dr. M: My gosh, Ted. That must have been terribly frightening.  


Ted: It was. I ran with all my might, but it was like my feet were stuck in mud. No matter how hard I tried to move faster the beast closed the distance. Its screams grew louder as it got closer and I could sense my time was up. The man-pterodactyl creature snatched me up in its giant sharp talons. Talons that I could feel tear into the flesh of my shoulders as he drove me high into the sky. The animal’s screams turned to a deep laughter now as we traversed ever higher until…


Dr.M: Until what, Ted? Until what?     


Ted: He dropped me. Released me from that iron grip. And I plummeted to the earth and saw that the field I had been resting in had transformed into a valley of jagged rocks. I would be dashed among the boulders. As I tumbled through the air I thought about life. And just as I was about to be splattered on sharp stones I woke up. Just like that. 


MPS: Wow. That is super weird.


Dr. M: Michael, please try not to judge.    


MPS: Sorry. No, Dr. Miller, I mean it’s weird because I wrote down my dream and it’s super similar to Ted’s. Like eerily similar.


Dr. M: Well, I normally would want to tackle one dream at a time, but out of curiosity I’d like to delve into yours, Mike. What was your dream?    


MPS: Well… In short… I was a giant half man-half pterodactyl. And I saw Ted in a field and I flew towards him and picked him up because I wanted to take him high into the air and drop him on a bunch of sharp rocks. Because he makes me angry and in real life I’d like to drop him on sharp rocks from a great height.


Ted: Sooooooo…


Dr. M: Well for starters it seems like you have some kind of sympathetic dream system. I’ll need to email some colleagues and get some sleep experts on this right away.     


Ted: But if we’re in the same dream, that means that we’re on the same page right? Like, we’re good to start writing again?


Dr. M: Well in a way, but I don’t understand how two people can have the same–   


MPS: Sounds like all systems go to me, buddy!


Ted: Thanks Doc! You cured us!


MPS: You’re the best doc! We’ll Venmo you.


*Ted and Michael sign off*


Dr. M: No,, no Ted Mike you cannot go. No this is not…no, no, don’t, don’t…  


*Back outside the Zoom call*


MPS: There you have it. Ted and I were cured by mind science. We trusted a qualified professional with our deepest secrets and we are all good now. 


Ted: One hundred percent. Mike?


MPS: Yes?


Ted: Do you still want to throw me onto a bunch of jagged rocks?


MPS: I do, yes. But a little less than before. And for me, that’s as close to cured as I’m gonna get.


Ted: I’ll take it!


MPS: Cool.


Ted: Because I copied your dream journal.


MPS: Oh, fuck you!


*MPS keeps chastising Ted*


Ted: What? What’s the big deal? It’s just homework. I used to copy your homework in high school all the time!, Put some ice down your trousers and cool off, etc. 


MPS: This episode is brought to you by “Wonder Years”-style nostalgia! Ted and I were just two friends working our way through high school and all its uncertainties. Summer was upon us, along with all its exuberance, as well as the anxious possibilities of our upcoming junior year. But when we whiled away the hours at the Maine beach house, all we did was laugh. When the sun went down, and Ted wrapped himself in that dusty quilt and curled up in the giant papasan chair by the window, and pretended to be a crazy old kook who shouted “POOP!” at unsuspecting passers by as they headed back to their cars after a day at the beach…I knew at that moment, that our friendship was deeper than the times we were in. True story.




“Diet Ria”

MPS: That was too good. That was…like, I would cast you in that commercial.

Ted: You’re a regular Kirk Cameron.

OG: Please do, I’m…is this a test? Is this actually…is this a casting, really?



Janice: I used to have to share my Diet Ria with my brother, but then…”brudda” was not intentional.

MPS: She’s a little Newsie!

Janice: I know!



“Ted and Michael See a Shrink”

*Laughing pterodactyl sound

MPS: How’s that?

Ted: Great.

MPS: You know? I can’t do Peter Lorre, but I can do a laughing pterodactyl.


Ted: Well neither can I, as it turns out.



JMI: So Ted had a dream about being snatched by a man-pterodactyl, and you had a dream of BEING…

MPS: Being the man-pterodactyl…

JMI: A man-pterodactyl, and snatching Ted, and dropping him on…sharp rocks…

MPS: Ted, specifically. I even yelled as I dropped him, “Think about life, you fuck!”


Ted: I heard that from the monster!

MPS: Yeah.


Ted: Ted: Yeah.


JMI: Wait, lemme get this straight. You said something in your dream, and Ted you heard it in your dream?

Ted: Yeah. “Think about life, you fuck!”“Think about life, you fuck!” I heard that.

MPS: And then you thought about life. Wow.

Ted: And then I thought about life, on the way down. Yeah.


MPS: Fuck.



“Diet Ria”


Jelly: That was super fun. 


MPS: Oh, so glad. It’s fun having you.



Jelly: Went “Boomp boomp” yeah like the onomatopoeia. I’m just drinkin’ this Diet Ria. Diet Ria out the front and the back and I love that shit yo “Get him!” Attack! Yeah. I got a bad Italian voice. Seriously I have made a lot of choices that were not very good. But that’s alright. I’m not hard as wood anymore. I need a Sag Bag. Um…yeah…I gotta call my dad back. What else am I gonna say “Fran!” Seriously damn, Fran is not the man. Fran is the woman over there. Um, hangin’ out…my derriere. Is actually very sweaty cause I turned my air conditioning off. Because is softly whispers into the microphone. Doesn’t really really help. Puttin’ the shit on the shelf. I’m gettin’ a little bit tired. Headphones are wired. I pull my nipples with pliers when I wanna get an erection. The end. That was silly.    



MPS: Hope you enjoyed that sketch. Ted did I ever mention to you that in my spare time, I enjoy making spaghetti and knitting. My friends call me Mikey Spaghetti.
Ep 3 pickups for timestamps 1:22-1:32

Ted: You’re still doing A League of Their Own. Just tell them the next sketch is weird. That’s all we need and then we’re out of here for the day.

MPS: If they’re listening to our show, they know the next sketch is gonna be weird…


Ted: JUST SHUT UP! Just shut up.

MPS: I’m just saying, we’re dumbing it down for them…

Ted: Shut the fuck up!

MPS: If they’re listening to season three, they know!


“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because this is a comedy podcast, friends. We’re not tied to the page. In addition to our hosts; Ted and Michael, this season features the voice talents of Andrew Bancroft-aka Jelly Donut, Aneesa Folds, James Monroe Iglehart, C. Julian Jimenez, Eddy Lee, Patrick McCartney, Janice McIntyre, Hallie O’Gorman, Mike O’Gorman, Emmanuel Polycarpe, April Sickler, Nik Walker, and me: Gillian Pensavalle. I’m also the executive producer. Season 3 of “Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” was recorded, edited, sound designed, and mixed by the badass team at Audio Muses: India Hooi and Ameeta Ganatra. This season was produced in association with our friends over at Mischief Media, as well as co-producer Jenson Parker Neal. Original music for “Ted and Michael” Season 3 composed by India Hooi. You can find full credits, plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and to be honest since it’s just us here, Ted and Michael need a lot of reassurance, and it would just make my life so much easier. Thanks. Follow the guys on Twitter @tedandmichael, individually @tedogorman, @mpsmithnyc, and use the hashtag #tedandmichael on all the things. For love notes and hate mail, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and hey–stay weird, friends!

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