Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Lifelong friends Ted O’Gorman and Michael Paul Smith read their comedy sketches into microphones. Oh...and that's where their talented friends come in.

Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 4, Episode 4 Transcript

September 18, 2023

MPS: Hello once more to our loyal listeners. Welcome back to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith.


Ted: I’m Ted O’Gorman.


MPS: We’ve got some news today for you folks. Ted and I have long felt that we were destined for more than mere comedy.


Ted: We’re better than you.


MPS: Well, Ted…We’re not better than anyone. We just have aspirations beyond podcasting. And that’s always left us with a hole in our hearts.


Ted: I actually have several pinholes in my heart. My doctor says it’s from doing whippits in grade school. If only someone had told me about the risks…


MPS: Ted, nobody cares! How many times? Nobody cares about the whippets you did in grade school that left pinholes in your heart! I don’t care. Gillian doesn’t care. Your parents don’t care. And I KNOW Hallie couldn’t give a fuck, because last month at the Podcast Pancake Mixer, Hallie walked right up to me and said, and I quote, “If I have to hear one more time that Ted’s heart is leaking precious blood into his thoracic cavity because of whippet related pinholes, I will kill him. I will stab him in that rotten sweat sock he calls a heart.” That’s what she said. So enough! ENOUGH. Every fucking time! When does it end?? Fuck. Sorry, listeners. Spend ten minutes with this guy and I promise you, you’d commend my restraint. Anyway, Ted, do you want to tell the audience about our new endeavor, now that the wind is completely out of my sails?


Ted: I’m sorry Mike, I didn’t mean to upset you. Anyway, Mike and I have a new project we’re really excited about… shit I forget now. What was it?


MPS: Un-be-fucking-leaveable.



“Celebrity Smash Bros. 8”


V.O: And now we present Ted and Michael unlocking hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.


*Game V.O: Challengers approach!


Oogie Boogie: (Sung) I’m the Oogie Boogie man!

Ted: Oh damn. A true villain.


MPS: The literal stuff of nightmares. Is something wrong with the screen? Because this is not good timing…


Ted: I think so. Yeah. No picture.

Oogie Boogie: And if you’re not shaking, there’s something very wrong!

MPS: But the sound is loud and clear. Let me check the inputs…


Oogie Boogie: And now with your permission, I’m gonna do my stuff.

Ted: Wait, no. It’s not a black screen. It’s sort of textured. Like we’re in Yoshi’s POV, and there’s a sack over his head or something…


MPS: You’re starting this match in first person captivity?

Ted: Yup. That doesn’t seem fair.


Oogie Boogie: It’s hopeless, you’re finished you haven’t got a prayer, cause I’m mister Oogie Boogie and you ain’t going nowhere.


MPS: He’s kicking your ass, man. You better get outta this thing.


Ted: Lemme try something.


*Ted mashes buttons


Ted: Ok, I’m out.

Oogie Boogie: Well well well what have we here? Ted, huh? Ooh, I’m really scared!

MPS: Dude, he knows who you are.

Ted: (Scared) This isn’t fun anymore.


Oogie Boogie: He’s ginger, he’s ugly, I don’t know which is worse!


Ted: Wow, and now he’s getting personal.


MPS: Yeah. Don Rickels over here. Insult him back, I guess right? Maybe he can hear you.

Ted: Uh…at least I have a face, you worthless bag of bugs!


Oogie Boogie: Will you shut this fella up?


MPS: Great insult, man. You got him.

Ted: Yeah, if only I can slide into him or something. I’m all defense, here.


Oogie Boogie: Now that’d be just fine.

Ted: Oh, damn. This is not going well.


Oogie Boogie: You’re choking you’re choking, I can’t believe my eyes!


Oogie Boogie: Hahahahahaha Oooooooh!

MPS: Giant scissors! GIANT SCISSORS! Cut him open and eat the bugs!!!

Oogie Boogie: (Interrupting) Hah ! Yeeeeeeah!


Ted: It’s working! I can’t believe this! I’ve never felt more alive!


Oogie Boogie: Whooooa whooooa!


MPS: Keep cutting before the scissors disappear! They’re blinking! They’re blinking!

Oogie Boogie: WHOOOOOOA!!! Hold on. Hold on. We don’t have to go that far, do we?

MPS: There’s one more bug hiding behind the bush! I don’t know if it can reproduce or something.


Ted: On it. I got it.

*Game V.O: Game!


Ted and MPS: Yes! That was close!, Etc.


Ted: I’m not gonna sleep through the night for a while, man. That was…unnerving.


Oogie Boogie: Congratulations. You’ve unlocked the Oogie Boogie Man. Enjoy this moment. Cause it’s only gonna happen once. Oogie Boogie!


MPS: Yeah keep the bathroom light on or something. A few days. You’re going to want to be a little more careful with whoever’s next.


Ted: Agreed. I got out of there by the skin of my dick.


*Game V.O: Challengers approach!


JV: Hello there fella. It’s me, famous Minnesotan and former professional wrestler Jesse the Body Ventura.


MPS: Aaand you’re fucked.


Ted: Oh shit. 


JV: I’m about to Reform your ass.


MPS: He’s referencing his successful run for governor of Minnesota on the Reform party ticket.


Ted: I know what he’s referencing!


JV: I’m a sexual tyrannosaurus! You think you can take me? I ain’t got time to bleed. Look at the size of you. What are you some kind of half-man bastard? Oooooh, the body slam! What’d you think of that one, McMahon!?

MPS: It’s 1980’s Vince McMahon, hiding in a pile of cash! His hair is freshly dyed. You see him on the top of the mountain?

Ted: He’s just gonna throw money at me? Shit, I can’t see. How come McMahon’s not talking?

MPS: He’s too damn rich to talk. He has people who do that for him.




MPS: Jessie’s knocking the snot out of you!


Ted: Oh yeah, check this out. Who’s the predator now bitch?!


*Sounds of Ted/Yoshi on the attack.


MPS: Wait what’s he doing?


Ted: Shit. He’s trying to unionize the other characters! I gotta get him while his back is turned.


JV: If I learned anything in my time in the navy as a frogman, it’s the importance of teamwork. By forming a strong union we can win! 

MPS: He’s got half the game’s characters writing signs. You better finish this before they start coming for you.


JV: You got me on the ropes. Apparently, I do have time to bleed.


*Game V.O: Game!


MPS: There it is! Wow! You got him! You turned it back around on him there. Very slick. Very slick.


JV: You beat me fair and square, so I won’t protest this decision. Congratulations you’ve unlocked a loyal and trustworthy friend Jesse Ventura. Now let’s make cannabis legal nationwide and put an end to waterboarding.


MPS: What a wild range of things to say.


Ted: He’s a very interesting fellow.


V.O: This has been Ted and Michael unlocking hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.



“Monster Truck PSA 2”


V.O: BROS! Are you in public? Maybe work? School? Gym? Feel a cough coming on? COVER YOUR MOOUUUUUTH!!! No one thinks you’re extra manly cause you didn’t pick this up in kindergarten. Sorry your teacher was TOO FOCUSED ON PLANNING HER WEDDDDDINNNNG!!! People get sick when pieces of your spit and flem fly into the air, even if you feel fine! What are you doing now? Coughing into the top of your fist like you’re holding an invisible microphone? You gotta DRACULA THAT SHITTTTTT!!! Take your coughs and sneezes right into your elbow pit. Then glance around the room and say “Excuse me.” It’s so fuckin’ badass!!!


“Risotto Snorting”


Ralph Cooper: Tide pods, cough syrup, glue, Whip-its, alcohol-soaked tampons, butt chugging. Teenagers have been looking for household items to use as a means to rebel against polite society for decades. Thankfully, strict government enforcement and a zero-tolerance approach at home, have managed to eradicate each threat. But when good citizens look away for a moment, new dangers to our children and step-children inevitably take their place. This time, the vice that’s gripping our young people comes from the unlikeliest of sources–Italian cuisine. Specifically risotto. Ever since a TikTok video of reality star Gemini Tobalowski lining up some Michelin-starred risotto with her black Amex went viral, America’s youth have taken it to the next logical step. It’s called “Risotto snorting.” Aka “Zote snorts” “Ridin’ the rice” “Vacuuming the Vialone Nano” and “Sniffin’ the Secondi.” The trend has spread like wildfire, and the effects on society have been severe. We spoke to several people on the front lines of this epidemic.

Raspy woman: I’ve been in the nightclub business for 30 years. I started at CBGBs and I’ve never seen anything like this. Now I got the cops crawling up my ass thinking I’m dealing the stuff. And I gotta tell em, look in my kitchen I don’t have a single grain of rice!


Tough guy: These club kids are getting bad shit. Dealers are cutting it with store bought broth. That accounts for the rising number of o.d.s. This shit is laced with extra sodium to keep them coming back for more.

*Outdoor/park/playground SFX


Ralph Cooper: But don’t you understand that risotto was meant to be eaten??


Kid: I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not going to waste. It’s just entering my face like three inches north of where my know-it-all parents tell me to put it. I’M NOT A CLONE, MOM!




Kid: (Cont.) I’m the fuckin’ man!

Tough guy: These rich kids have it good though, I’ll tell ya. They’re hooverin’ that top-notch, farm-to-table, organic riz. Must be fuckin’ nice.

Social worker: I’ve seen all kinds of adverse reactions to risotto snorting here at the clinic. Mushroom risotto is especially popular. The mushrooms are just regular cremini, no psychoactive properties, but they present a very real choking hazard.

Ralph Cooper: Fascinating.

Boston guy: My buddy’s kid just got pinched for having a kilo of arborio rice in his locker at school. They’re calling it attempted distribution. He’s looking at 10 years. So sad when they’re that young. Plus his mother’s got non-Hodgkins. And it’s the bad kind. We’re gonna make a casserole. Bring it over.

Mom: I knew my daughter dabbled in grits. I mean what’s a few grits when you’re away at college? I admit, I used grits to get me through finals when I was in law school. All those late nights, you needed something to keep you up. And a couple lines of grits was the ticket. But me and my friends never got close to anything like the risotto these kids are snorting today.

Social worker: Anyone that tells you that grits isn’t a gateway dish is kidding themselves. Grits will get you in the door, paella will keep you there. And then sooner or later someone’s gonna come along and say, “Hey–if you’ve snorted the pi, why not snort the ris?” And then it’s all too late. Start carving your fucking tombstone.

Ralph Cooper: Now, you’ve been an EMT for 14 years, is that right?

NY EMT: Yes it is, Ralph. And I’ll tell ya, it’s the 3 cheese risotto that has me most concerned. It’s too creamy! The human nasal passages were not meant for that much cheese! I’ve been on a hundred calls. It’s all dancin’ and partyin’ until some prom queen calls us up and I’ve got to zip up her precious Matthew in a body bag. Poor bastards never knew what hit them…Well, I guess they did… it was the risotto.

Teenage girl: My friend Sara was so keyed up on risotto one night she just couldn’t stop. When we ran out (of risotto) she snorted a line of pearl barley and then went for a swim in the ocean. That was the last we ever saw of her. If only we’d known what we were doing was so dangerous. And you know what the worst part is? We learned how to make it in our food and nutrition class! Those sons of bitches gave us the recipe and just walked away without telling us how dangerous it was to snort!



Ralph Cooper: There’s even been calls for new legislation. As this concerned mom voiced at a local town hall.

Concerned Mom: What’s next lentils?! Are lentils next?! Is it ramen? I’ll bet a block of uncooked noodles would be a real challenge! STOP SNORTING FOOD YOU CRAZY FUCKS! Risotto took my boy! 

Mayor: Ma’am, this is a zoning hearing…to decide if Paul can add some outdoor seating at his bakery.

Concerned Mom: (Crying) Call somebody who gives a shit, Tom! Ask Paul if he can bake me up a new son?!

Mayor: Make me, Rhonda! And while I have this gavel, that’s Mayor Tom!

Concerned Mom: You think it’s no big deal, MAYYYYOR TOM? Then watch this!

*She proceeds to snort risotto while gagging.

Mayor: Rhonda is that…put the tupperware back in your purse. No. NO! Don’t you do it Rhonda! Oh God, I’m gonna be sick. It’s all over your face. Oh…stop. I can’t do this.

*The mayor starts gagging, as does everyone else.

Ralph Cooper: So far, restaurant-grade risotto remains accessible, and enticing. With no less than our children, and their noses, at risk. This is Ralph Cooper reporting. Kip and Donna at the studio, back to you.


“Space Trip”


GPS: Hey, listeners. So recently Ted and Mike decided to join Jeff Bezos and a few other billionaires in the private space-race game. They took out an enormous loan and bought themselves two tickets on a sub-orbital flight. They’re supposed to be here with me recording a sketch called Dookie Detective: The Poopy Puzzle Solver. But they’re still incarcerated. Charges are pending, but I think we can all assume that whatever happened was their fault. I’m going to listen along with you now to the clandestine recording of Ted and Michael trying to be the first comedy podcast to travel to space.



Space Attendant: Good afternoon passengers, thank you for flying on Copernicus 1 (Continues with instructions).


Ted: This is so cool.


MPS: Right? What did I tell you? We become the podcasting comedians who went to space, and once word gets out, we’re living the high life, man.


Ted: Ooh yeah. Bottled water all the time.


MPS: All the time. Even the kind that has bubbles.


Ted: Ooooooh, I like that kind. I had a dream once where I was at a fancy party and they had the water in the glass bottles with bubbles. I really liked it in the dream. So I bet I’d like it in real life.


MPS: I’m sure you will, bud. All we have to do is play it cool and not make any waves and this flight will pay for itself. Just you wait.

Ted: That is a relief. Because as it stands we owe some pretty unsavory people five hundred grand for fronting us the money for this. And they made it very clear to me that if we don’t pay up they’ll cut off our toes. And that five hundred grand was before the juice started running. And we had to pay for these tickets way in advance of today so the juice has been running for quite a bit.


MPS: You know what? Don’t let some knuckle dragging loan shark worry you. We’re headed to space, my friend. The final frontier.


Ted: Suborbital. That means we don’t orbit.


MPS: Still space, man! Come on. It’s still space. And then once we touch down we just watch the money roll in.


Ted: How do you figure?


MPS: Look at Bezos, he’s worth billions since he got back from space. Billions. With a B.


Ted: Yeah, but he had that money before he went to space. 


MPS: What’s that now?


Ted: Jeff Bezos is the founder and CEO of Amazon. The website we all use but hate the labor practices of. It’s super convenient, but you feel a little guilty everytime you place an order. Started out selling books but now pretty much owns half the world. You know, Amazon.


MPS: Huh. And Jeff Bezos is a big shot there?


Ted: Yup. He’s our generation’s Rockefeller or Carnegie. One of ‘em, anyway. Hey, did you figure out how to get your seatbelt to work?


MPS: No, you don’t need to wear your seatbelt.


Ted: Oh. Ok.


MPS: So his money came before he flew to space?


Ted: Oh yeah. Big time. Didn’t even fly into space until he had over a hundred billion dollars to his name. And that’s after he lost half his wealth in a divorce! He went from super rich to half super rich then made all his money back and is the richest man in the world. That guy drinks bubbly water all the time. Like he probably brushes his teeth with bubbly water. You give that guy regular water and he’s going to say, “Hey, where’s my bubbles?” And then you have to bring him a whole different drink. Bottom line though-before he was going to spend half a million dollars on something nobody needs to do, he had over a hundred billion in the bank. 


MPS: Uhhhhhhhhh. Shiiiiiit. Ted, we need to get off this rocket and get a refund for our tickets. I didn’t know he was that rich before space. I really didn’t. I thought this particular financial model was: go to space, come back a hero, cash in and live the easy life from now on. Fuck, this must be how you feel all the time!


Ted: What do you mean?


MPS: Really stupid. I feel like the dumbest person in the world. I imagine you feel like that most of the time given your penchant for idiocy, and dangerous idiocy at that.


Ted: Yup, it is not pleasant. But it gets easier over time. Although I’d imagine we’ll both feel pretty stupid when Gustavo the Gill Slicer cuts off our toes. Egg on our face for that one.


MPS: You borrowed money from a guy whose name is Gustavo the Gill Slicer? What does that even mean? Does he get mad at fish and cut their gills?


Ted: No, when people don’t pay him back he slices gills into their necks. Kind of his trademark. But that’s after he cuts off your toes. It goes toes, which you lose, then gills which you gain. Problem is, the gills kill you.


MPS: Ok, you’re not helping. You’re not helping. Fuck. Think. Think, Smith, think. God knows you’re in this one by yourself!


Ted: You think these windows are tempered glass?

MPS: Just shut up! Shut up! Goddamn you! Alright, I got it. I guess there’s only one thing left to do…?


Ted: What’s that?


MPS: When there’s no chance someone will let you off a flight, what’s the best way to stay grounded?


Ted: It’s alarming you ask that like the answer is obvious.


MPS: You get the crew to kick you off the flight. Follow my lead! SCORPION! I just saw a scorpion! You said this flight was safe and it’s got a scorpion on it! There’s a scorpion, it’s right here!

*People start reacting and screaming


Ted: I’ve been stung! It came out of nowhere! Damn you, scorpions! The most evil-looking mini-monster of the entire insect kingdom has struck me down in my comedy prime! There must be thousands more in the walls of this metal death tube! 


MPS: That is a very well established rule about scorpion infestations! If you see one, thousands lurk in the walls! Silent Killers! Nobody google it, we don’t have time! Just trust us!! Open the door or we all die this day!

Ted: Everybody panic…. and FORNICATE!!!


*Other passengers begin to panic. Ted and MPS begin screaming wildly.


GPS: And that’s where the recording cuts out. As I mentioned earlier Ted and Michael are now incarcerated awaiting charges. And I have a large man that tails me around the city courtesy of Gustavo the Gill Slicer. So basically what I’m asking for is anyone who has the name of a good foot surgeon to please DM me. Ted and Michael are going to need a guy. Their toes are not long for this world.


*Door opens


GPS: Oh good, they’re back.

MPS: Hey, babe.


GPS: Yes. Hey.

Ted: So we straightened things out with Gustavo.

MPS: He’s gonna use the tickets actually, so…phew! Huge space nerd!

Ted: Thanks for holding down the fort, Geeps.

GPS: Anytime. I’m…in this.


MPS: Yeah. Did you get to the Swiffer? I texted I asked you to Swiffer.

Ted: It seems dusty in here. I gotta say it.



Ted: I’d like to dedicate this episode to flushable wipes. Thanks for helping me realize how filthy I’ve been my entire life until very, very…very recently.


MPS: Yeesh.





—Celeb Smash Bros. 8—


Ted: Congratulations you’ve unlocked Governor Jesse “the body” Ventura. A loyal Minnesotan who also has a residence in Baha, where I make my own fish tacos. It’s true. He does.


MPS: Yeah. You know what? I didn’t doubt it for a second. I didn’t know it, but didn’t doubt it either.



—Risotto Snorting—


Mike O’G: Plus his mother’s got non-Hodgkin’s. Which, I don’t know why they call it that. Because she’s filled with Hodgkin’s!



—Space Trip—


Aneesa: If we burn up on re-entry, your family will be given a small portion of the spacecraft as a souvenir.



Aneesa: Please do not touch the exit doors once we have reached orbit, as you will be sucked into the vacuum of outer space.



Aneesa: There will be no snacks on this flight, as we can’t have peanuts just floating around in zero gravity.



GPS: They’re supposed to be here with me recording a sketch called “Armpit Humping: Tales From Daytona Beach” but they’re still incarcerated.



GPS: They’re supposed to be here with me recording a sketch called “Pet Pep: Cocaine for dogs”, 



Ted: They’re supposed to be here with me recording a sketch called “My Baby Was Mashed Potatoes All Along.”



GPS: They’re supposed to be here with me recording a sketch called “My Baby Was…” Fuck! 



MPS: Can you get the whole sentence though?


GPS: GPS: They’re supposed to be here with me recording a sketch called “My Baby Was…” no, I can’t!



GPS: They’re supposed to be here with me recording a sketch called “Dookie Detective, the…” (Laughs) 



GPS: They’re supposed to be here with me recording a sketch called (Laughs) ok, wait. I can totally do it.



GPS: They’re supposed to be here with me recording a sketch called (Laughs)–I don’t know if it’s gonna happen. I don’t know…Ok…





“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because Mike loves jazz, and he’s sad he never learned the trumpet.


This season of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. This season was also produced in association with our dear friends over at Mischief Media.


You can find full credits – including all of our incredible voice talent – plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and look–I know they’re two straight white guys with a podcast. But they’re two of the good ones. So do us a solid.


Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!


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