Ted & Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones

Season 4, Episode 9 Transcript

October 23, 2023

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MPS: Hello again lovely listeners. Welcome to Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones. I’m Michael Paul Smith

 

Ted: And I’m Ted O’Gorman.

 

MPS: Ted I’m sorry buddy, can you hold on a second. I’m getting a really loud ticking on my end. Can you hear that?

 

Ted: Yeah, what is that?

 

MPS: I’ve never had that while we’re recording. Hold on, let me look at my setup here. Mind hanging while I troubleshoot this?

 

Ted: Yeah no problem. Oh, is it this?

 

MPS: Yes. I think so. What is that? 

 

Ted: It’s my new watch.

 

MPS: That is the loudest watch I’ve ever heard. Why would you buy something like that?

 

Ted: Thanks man, yeah it’s pretty cool. I thought with us doing so well I could afford to treat myself. Actors and athletes all get those really big gaudy diamond watches. They just want everyone to SEE how well they have it. But nobody sees us. So I had the guy at the jewelry store customize this one for me. That way our listeners can HEAR how well we have it. Pretty great right? Hallie loves it so much she makes me put it in a lead lined safe at night. Funny thing though she keeps changing the combination and forgetting to tell me. 

 

MPS: You sound like the goddamn crocodile that swallowed Capt. Hook’s hand and clock.

 

Ted: Oh, man that’s really sweet of you to say. But enough chit chat. Shall we take this back to one?

 

MPS: Nope. Too late. Here’s the first sketch.

 

—

 

“Celeb Smash Bros. 9”

 

V.O: And now we present Ted and Michael unlocking hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.

 

*Game V.O: Challengers approach!

 

Andre: I am Andre the Giant!

 

MPS: Oh man. Look at his damage meter. That’s not fair.

Ted: Yeah it’s twice as big as mine. I don’t even know how to approach him. He’s so big.

 

Andre: Come on, you little peanut.

 

Ted: I…I don’t…

 

Andre: Come on. Climb up me, and we’ll fight!

 

MPS: He wants you to run up his leg.

Ted: Which means I probably shouldn’t. Right? Screw it. I gotta try something.

 

Andre: I’m going to win! I mean, who are we kidding? I always win. I’m like five times the size of a normal man.

 

Ted: Ok, bad start. Bad start.

 

Andre: I can hold a helicopter on the ground even when it’s trying to take off!

 

MPS: We get it, Andre. You’re very strong. You don’t have to keep selling us.

 

Andre: I caught Robin Wright Penn when she jumped out of a window!

 

Ted: I can’t eat him. The reason I play as Yoshi is cause he can eat his opponents!

 

Andre: Yoshi, you look like the frog’s legs that they serve in my native Grenoble, France. 

 

Ted: And now he’s trying to eat me! Shit.

MPS: Keep moving, whatever you do. That’s it. Stick and move. Apollo Creed style.

 

*Sounds of Ted/Yoshi on the attack.

 

Andre: I am the dread pirate Roberts. There will be no survivors!

 

Ted: Well, I’ve pissed him off at least.

 

Andre: What is this? I cannot believe I am losing. I’m like 20 times the size of you.

MPS: I do think he loses energy if you make him chase you. 

 

Ted: It’s like cardio.

 

Andre: Ah. I’m losing. Sacre bleu!

Ted: He’s starting to look thinner!

MPS: Is that good or bad? Probably bad. Try eating him again!

 

Ted: Here we go.

 

*Game V.O: Game!

 

Ted and MPS: It worked! Nice!, etc.

 

MPS: Here, have a bugle.

 

Ted: Oooh. Don’t mind if I do. You forget about these things.

 

*Ted crunches on a bugle.

 

Ted: You forget about these things.

 

MPS: You do. But they’re the perfect video game snack.

 

Ted: Very nice.

 

Andre: I can’t believe it. You beat me! 

 

MPS: It was disturbing that Yoshi had to climb on top of his head and eat him in a downward motion. But…he did it!

 

Ted: Yeah. I’m a little naus.

MPS: And that’s the largest egg I’ve ever seen.

 

Andre: Congratulations. You’ve unlocked Andre the Giant!

 

MPS: Well done, man. You’re rockin’ and rollin’. Want a refill?

 

Ted: You better park it for now. Look!

 

JL: I am an antichrist! I am an anarchist! 

 

MPS: It’s the Sex Pistols’ Johnny Rotten. 

 

JL: That’s John Lydon to you.

 

MPS: Can the game still hear us? It seems like the game can still hear us.

 

Ted: I don’t know. Shit he’s coming in hard, swinging that mic stand. 

 

JL: Come on, then. Let’s have it.

 

MPS: Block! Hit back! EAT HIM! SPIN YOUR TAIL FIRST! EAT HIM! SPIN YOUR TAIL FIRST AND THEN  EAT HIM. OH, GOD.

 

*Sounds of Ted/Yoshi on the attack.

 

JL: You hit like a Nancy…Spungeon that is! No future for youuuuuuuuuuu!

 

Ted: He’s so pale and wirey. How do you deal with someone so angry?!

 

MPS: He’s also…sickly. Fights like a guy who’s got nothing to lose. 

 

*Ted mashes buttons

 

JL: Oh! Give it to me! Once more on the chin, dear lad.

 

MPS: There you go! That hurt him! Good combo. There’s a reason he’s this late in the game, though. You know? He’s hard to get a hold of.

Ted: He is. It’s almost like he’s covered in vaseline. He’s a slippery guy.

MPS: Yeah. He doesn’t really dance. But he moves. 

 

Ted: And the mismatched flannel is almost like a kind of camouflage that makes him difficult to see.

 

JL: You’ve ruined my public image limited. Oh! This is not going well. Looks like I’m the one with no future.

 

*Game V.O: Game!

 

MPS and Ted: Great job, etc.

 

JL: Congratulations you’ve unlocked Johnny Rotten. It turns out I’m pretty vacant! 

 

V.O: This has been Ted and Michael unlocking hidden celebrity characters in the video game Super Smash Brothers.

 

—

 

“Air B&B&B”

 

V.O: Hey hardworking adults! Are you and possibly your partner ready for a vacation? Tired of the same boring tropical retreats, or worse, the cultural quests that send you home with nothing but a collectible shot glass and some disgusting blisters? Is the modern hotel experience just too safe and relaxing? What about renting a house? Gross! Texting with a polite stranger when you’re having trouble turning off the smoke alarm? No thank you. Where’s the challenge? Where’s the life experience? The self-knowledge? Introducing Air B&B&B-the first service that invites you to rent someone’s home, as well as their baby! All with just a click of the mouse! 

 

Wife: My partner and I couldn’t wait to try Air B&B&B. We’d been together for a couple years, saved our money, read some top-rated baby books, and even threw a shower so we’d have no shortage of supplies! Our 48-hour stay confirmed what we already knew deep-down. We’re ready to be parents! We left that cute little rental baby even healthier than we got him. We thought it’d be tough to say good-bye, but…nope! Time to make a little version of “us”!

 

Single woman: I’m a single career woman, and I’m addicted to stress. But my union job with the New York City transit system was so cushy, I could do it in my sleep! So I booked two weeks of paid vacation at an Air B&B&B in the heart of noisy Times Square. 

It provided the stress-boost I knew I needed. I barely slept at all! I’d like to give the baby back, but…the owner of the apartment and baby haven’t returned any of my texts. Plus there was no furniture or personal belongings…just a naked baby on the living room floor. Is this mine now? Was this my life all along? WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!

 

—

 

Couple 1a: We booked an Air B&B&B because we wanted to go to Mountain Jam 23, and all the hostels were booked up and all the good tents were sold out. We gave the accommodations 4 stars. But, man, that baby was a nightmare.

 

Couple 1b: Yeah, we missed every band we wanted to see because our rental baby had whooping cough. Our host was an anti-vaxxer, I guess. 

 

Couple 1a: And apparently doesn’t believe in phones. That’s a Bummer. That’s a real bummer.

 

Couple 1b: Such a bummer

 

—

 

V.O: Ready for an extra challenge? Try Air B&B&B Gold: where you’ll have neighbors popping in throughout your stay, and giving unsolicited opinions. Want more? Try Air B&B&B Platinum: where the home entertainment system is set to play nothing but Kidz Bop on the stereo, and Paw Patrol on the TV. There’s even Air B&B&B Platinum Plus: in which the sole bathroom in the apartment is under renovation from a loud contractor and his crew of workers. The noise will keep the baby from napping during the day, but the long walks down the block to take a 2 at PinkBerry will keep you in shape. You’ll be furiously annoyed at the whole thing! It’s Air B&B&B–from Tyburn Industries. And coming soon–Air B&B&T–which includes a sarcastic teenager to defy your every word, refuse to sit at the table, and storm off shouting “I’m not a clone like you!” If you get a goth kid, you get a free night! You’re financially responsible for all allergic reactions, all babies are available for purchase via cryptocurrency. 

 

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“Smash Mouth 007”

 

MPS: We’ve got something kind of interesting for all of you out in the pod-verse today. Ted and I have received something once thought destroyed.

 

Ted: Thought thrown into the audio equivalent of Mount Doom, if you will.

 

MPS: Mmm…and I will. So, what we’re about to play for you has only been heard by the people who recorded it and a few very unsatisfied studio execs. Sent to us anonymously and mysteriously. 

 

Ted: So bad, this recording was deemed, that anyone who heard it was subject to sign a contract stipulating they never listened to it.

 

MPS: Ted, you’re a James Bond fan am I correct in saying that?

 

Ted: Why yes Mike, and You?

 

MPS: I am.

 

Ted: Shall we tell the listeners what we have here?

 

MPS: Ok, first a little background… Listeners, if there are fans of the Bond franchise among you, you certainly know how coveted a Bond theme can be for recording artists. Ted, name some people who have done Bond themes.

 

Ted: Sir Paul McCartney, Shirley Basey, Tom Jones, Duran Duran, Chris Cornell, A-ha, Madonna…

MPS: The list goes on and on.

 

Ted: Well it can really only go as high as the number of movies in the James Bond franchise––

 

MPS: Ok, now you’re splitting hairs. Point is, many revered artists have lent their talents to this famous character’s opening theme song. 

 

Ted: Right.

 

MPS: Recording artists all over the world submit their best work to the producers hoping that their song will be grand enough to open the next James Bond film. 

 

Ted: That’s how I understand it.

MPS: Now we don’t know what year this submission is from. But If I had to guess, I’d say sometime during Pierce Brosnan’s tenure as 007. Like late 90’s, early 2000’s.  And that is again just a guess.

 

Ted: But this was a real submission to EON productions. The company that holds the film rights to Ian Flemming’s famous character, James Bond.

 

MPS: Listeners, what we’re about to play for you was a prospective James Bond theme written and performed by American band Smash Mouth. Let’s listen.

*Music kicks in

 

So, London once told me that M was gonna scold me

I’m a very suave secret agent 

I was look’n for some fun with the ladies in the sun 

Driving ‘round in my Astin Martin

Well, the bullets start coming and they don’t stop coming

Double oh seven in the car you can’t out run him

Did it make sense not to bring my gun?

I’ll use Q’s toys, they’re so much fun

Women to kiss, bad guys to slay

So what’s wrong if my name starts with a J,

I tell you if you really don’t know

I’m a bad mother-effin’ double 0

Hey now I am James Bond

Get my gun on, go slay

Hey now I am James Bond

Find a Bond girl, get laid

Martinis shaken not stirred

I am so handsome it’s absurd

He’s a villain, and keeps getting bolder

Blofield wont stop ‘til he sees the world smolder

But the terrorists can’t be the winners

Moneypenny knows Agent Bond is no quitter

The girl he loved, was Vesper Lynd

She drowned in Venice because she couldn’t swim

Hey now I am James Bond

Get my gun on, go slay

Hey now I am James Bond

Find a Bond girl, get laid

Martinis shaken not stirred

I am so handsome it’s absurd

Martinis shaken not stirred

I am so handsome it’s absurd

 

*Fade out on whistling 

 

MPS: Oof. Just even worse than I would have imagined.

 

Ted: Awful. Even worse than Smash Mouth was normally… which was terrible.

 

MPS: They didn’t even bother to write a new melody!

 

Ted: Yeah. Really just phoned it in.

 

MPS: Crazy.

 

Ted: But who are we to talk?

 

MPS: That’s true. Let’s move on to the next sketch. Shall we? I need a q-tip to get that shit out of my ears.

 

—

 

“Old Lady Names”

 

V.O: And now we present, the nighttime roll call at the “Tall skies retirement village.”

 

Orderly: Alright ladies and…Harold. Hope you all enjoyed your day trip to Woodbury Commons. Just wanna make sure we all got back in one piece, with the obvious exception of Gwendolyn, who we hope makes a speedy recovery. Dottie, stop laughing please. That could have happened to any of you. Yes. Any one of you could slide under an Aquafina machine. Well any of you with Gwendolyn’s bone…malleability. Anyway, time to take attendance.

Let’s start with…Bertha. Hello, Bertha. Dottie, you were laughing before. So you’re obviously here somewhere. Doris…ok. Ethyll? Harold I saw before. Mildred? Mildred. Well, stop talking to Doris, and you’d hear your name. Edith? Edith I need your deposit for your room upgrade. Ok? Can she hear me? Mildred, can you tell Edith what I said? Scream it to her.

Hassie? Hello Hassie. Please cover up. And move away from Harold. Thank you.

Codprod? Codprod? Codprod sit up straight, please. Your osteoporosis isn’t that bad.

And Clitorid. Clitorid? Where is she? Well has anyone seen Clitorid? There you are. I can never find you! Fida? Fida, please stop talking about shepard’s pie. We all know your thoughts on shepard’s pie. We don’t need another dissertation about the restorative benefits of shepherd’s pie! Now please sit down in your chair instead of standing on it. Saul? Saul? Oh right. Saul passed last week while on the toilet. That’s why Harold’s stock has gone up so much. You should thank Saul’s right ventricle for your good fortune, Harold. We both know you’re no Ricardo Mantalban. All you used to get was Saul’s crumbs! Showvitz? Showvitz, stop twerking, Harold’s heart can’t take it. The man’s a hundred and two and he fought in Korea. We owe our veterans more! Have a good evening, everyone. Dinner will be ready soon. Your chicken and vegetables have been boiling since early this morning.  Enjoy “Maury.”

V.O: This has been the nighttime roll call at the “Tall skies retirement village.”

 

—

 

MPS: Ted, you know what I’d like to dedicate this episode to?

 

Ted: I do not. Please enlighten me.

 

MPS: Balloon arches at weddings. Nothing says this isn’t gonna last like an archway made of fucking balloons. Is this a wedding or am I at a pizza party for Natalie’s seventh birthday? Here’s a tip, singles–if you don’t spring for the arbor, they’re saving it for someone they really love. 

 

Ted: Well said. You deserve better. You deserve the arbor.

 

MPS: Don’t settle.

 

—

 

“Outtakes”

 

—Air B&B&B—

 

Ted: And can I just ask that you hit “Take a two” a little harder.

 

GP: Yeah.

 

Ted: Thank you.

 

MPS: Really squeeze that two outta ya, there, Geeps. Rock back and forth while you do it. 

 

Ted: Bring more than one mag.

 

—

 

—Celeb Smash Bros. 9—

 

Andre: I cannot believe that you beat me. On the bright side, my penis is still huge!

 

—

 

Andre: This is my grunt that happens when I jump!

 

—

 

MPS: Ok put yourself in a shell. Put yourself in a shell.

 

Ted: Alright. Alright.

 

MPS: Alright. That’s somethin’, but that’s not a long term solution, you know?

 

—

 

—Old Lady Names—

 

Ted: Alright anyway, time to take attendance. Let’s start with…Bertha. Hello Bertha. Thank you, yes. Just raise the stump. That way I know you’re there.

 

—

 

MPS: Great. Done!

 

GP: Kaboom.

 

—

 

“Credits”

 

“Ted and Michael Read Sketches Into Microphones” is written and directed by Michael Paul Smith and Ted O’Gorman, with some room for improv because Mike loves jazz, and he’s sad he never learned the trumpet.

 

This season of Ted and Michael Read Sketches into Microphones was recorded by Chelsey Cohen, with editing, mixing, and sound design by Tom Kelly at Clean Cut Audio. This season was also produced in association with our dear friends over at Mischief Media.

 

You can find full credits – including all of our incredible voice talent – plus episodes, transcripts, and more at tedandmichael.com. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and we’d really appreciate it if you could rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts. Those reviews help a lot, and look–I know they’re two straight white guys with a podcast. But they’re two of the good ones. So do us a solid.

 

Follow the guys on Instagram @tedandmichaelpodcast. and individually @ted_ogorman and @mpsmithnyc

Mike has a TikTok! It’s @mpsmithnyc, there, too!

For feedback of all kinds, use tedandmichael@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening, and stay weird, friends!

 

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